Something thats been bugging me.

[enlighten me]

My exgf keeps on making a big deal about me spending time with our son on my own. I have two other boys from a previous marriage and a lot of the time I have them down when I have my youngest (16 months old). My exgf makes a huge fuss that I don't have quality one on one time with him as my other sons are always down.

This has bugged me a lot as I see that if I show no favouritism and treat them all lovingly then we will still bond. I now realise that it is probably more to do with her childhood than with our sons. Her mum was a single mother who met her stepdad when she was 4 or 5. Her mum and stepdad had other children together. I feel that the fact that she never had a dad growing up and that when she eventually got one she saw less of her mum and then had siblings taking all the attention is what is really going on here.

Anyone have any thoughts on this?

[Swiggle]

Is she single. It could also be that she is saying these things to you because by spending more time with your other sons they are forming bonds/relationships that they aren't with her. Maybe when she spends time with your son alone it is not good and feels that if you spend time alone it won't be a good experience for you or him. Just some thoughts

[enlighten me]

I think she's still single but don't know. I work abroad so she could be with someone. She has always had a problem with my sons. I put it down to the fact that given a choice between her or them they would always win.

This feels different though. It almost feels like reliving her childhood through our son. The fact she never had a dad obviously is more of an issue to her than she has ever let on. The fact that she wants me to have one on one time with him feels more like her jealousy of her step brother and sister.

She has 2 other children her eldest was by a man she left when she was pregnant. The reasons she gave Im beginning to doubt now. She then got involved with her ex husband and had another child with him. Im starting to think that the sudden relationship may have been more to give her daughter a father.

[Turkish]

I think you are touching upon it in that she is reacting due to her past trauma. That's what the triggers are for most pwBPD. a current event which throws them emotionally into the past.

I got a lot of this from my Ex, trying to tell me how to be and do. I parallel parent in that regard now. It sounds like yours may be projecting her abandonment fears. pwBPD don't see their children as invididuals, but as need-fulfillment objects or extensions of themselves (my T even commented on this when I told him one story). It does vary by degree from person to person. My Ex trends towards the more normal part of the spectrum. You've probably read the other horror stories on the board that are on the other end.

It sounds like you are trying to understand what's going on, but are you also seeking help in how to talk to her or put up a boundary regarding this? Or do you lean towards doing what you are going to do and ignoring what she says?

Infancy and toddlerhood are critical times in the attachment process. Do spend as much time as you can with your son, with as much physical affection with which you are comfortable. Some kids need more; others, less. If your boys are very involved brothers, than that is all the better. The more love your youngest receives from many people, the more internally validated he will be and hopefully emotionally resilient.

If our children didn't have my Ex's family as a stable home to go to where they get plenty of attention from their uncles and grandma, I think things would be worse.

[enlighten me]

Hi Turkish

Its more about why she is making so much fuss about me having one on one time with him and the fact that she has in the past changed days I was to have him due to my boys being there.

Im pretty stuck with dates as I work away at the moment on a 6 week rota. Therefor I try to see all my children as much as possible which means that they will have weekends that cross. My eldest love their little brother and we shower him with affection but it has been made difficult by the exgf. I wasn't even allowed to bath him until he was 6 months old. She is very over protective of all her children.

I see what you mean about the children being an extension of her and do feel she is reliving her life through them. Trying to have it as she wanted it and not how she had it.

I don't think I will discuss this with her though as she isn't aware that she has BPD. I know I cant diagnose her but 7-8 of the 9 DSM and the ones that are ticked are in red and underlined.

[Mutt]

Its more about why she is making so much fuss about me having one on one time with him and the fact that she has in the past changed days I was to have him due to my boys being there.

I'm sorry it's frustrating enlighten me. It's fog and control. You have your other sons with you and you're 16 month old. You have all of them with you. Sounds like a family to me.

Do you think that you can appease her demands irregardless of what they are? Do you think if it's not this it would be something else she would complain about?

My ex is not diagnosed either. I see traits and having been out of the FOG for some time. I see Queen mode, Witch mode, Waif mode, emotional blackmail, projection etc in her email communique's and in person. I focus on toxic behaviors and traits and not so much on diagnosis. If I left it up to her to get diagnosed, the chances are very slim and it's more about what boundaries I have on the self than anything.

You're feeling fog enlighten me - emotional blackmail. Good call keep it to yourself.

I wasn't even allowed to bath him until he was 6 months old.

I'm sorry. I would be upset if I couldn't bathe my babies.

[enlighten me]

She's always got something to complain about . This though feels different. It feels more intense. Almost manic.

[Mutt]

She's always got something to complain about . This though feels different. It feels more intense. Almost manic.

Extinction burst?

[enlighten me]

No not that. Its just a really big deal that I have one on one time with our son without my others there. It feels deeper rooted than just a good parenting tip. Its hard to describe but she has made a huge deal over it and no-one I have spoken too thinks that one on one time at his age will be more productive than spending it with me and his brothers.

It just feels as if its her projecting what she wanted for her childhood onto our son. She has never really spoken of her childhood. I know she lived with her gran when she was young and her mum worked nights so she didn't see much of her. Im not sure if something happened to her as a child so there are a lot of blanks for me.

[Mutt]

It just feels as if its her projecting what she wanted for her childhood onto our son.

It sounds like transference. Take what I say with a grain of salt. I'm speculating.

Transference is a phenomenon characterized by unconscious redirection of feelings from one person to another. One definition of transference is "the inappropriate repetition in the present of a relationship that was important in a person's childhood."

[enlighten me]

That does seem to fit the bill.

Were all speculating when it comes to BPD. Only they know why they do things all we can do is make educated guesses.

[momtara]

He is a baby.  I don't think you need a -ton- of one-on-one time, but it seems to me that he is young and might feel good about some special attention from daddy at a young age.  Even a half hour to play on the floor might be good.  If she's demanding you spend an entire day, I don't think he needs it at that age.  But if you never play with him alone, maybe you are nervous about dealing with a baby?

[enlighten me]

No Im not nervous. I near enough raised my two eldest as my uBPDexw claimed to have chronic fatigue syndrome for 3 years.

I play with him one on one whenever I have him. She is on about me having him for entire weekends on my own. I have had him for 24 hours on my own a couple of times now.

Its the depth of the obsession that has me bugged.

[momtara]

Yeah, you're right.  That doesn't seem necessary.  He's a baby - a half hour playing with him is gold.  I'm sure when the other kids are around, he likes the attention.

[Turkish]

Hi Turkish

Its more about why she is making so much fuss about me having one on one time with him and the fact that she has in the past changed days I was to have him due to my boys being there.

Im pretty stuck with dates as I work away at the moment on a 6 week rota. Therefor I try to see all my children as much as possible which means that they will have weekends that cross. My eldest love their little brother and we shower him with affection but it has been made difficult by the exgf. I wasn't even allowed to bath him until he was 6 months old. She is very over protective of all her children.

I wasn't allowed to even help with bathing for the first few months with S4. In the beginning, her mom came over, or baths were at her moms. I think at 8 or 9 months, I was allowed to participate. Could be a cultural component mixed in there. When her friend from the same culture had a baby, she had to go back to the hospital after a month. Her husband (different culture) took care of the baby at home. We visited, and he was freaking out about the bathing, letting my Ex do it. I was frustrated... .probable triggered by my own experience, and I thought, "what's the deal? Don't drown it, burn it, or chill it. How hard is that?"

You sound anxious or taumatized by her though, and I feel for you man. If we had split when S4 was that age, I'd be bothered or nervous too. I had to watch the kids today on her day, and she was telling me how to have S4 do his homework. I did it my way and he was fine. Parallel parent in these cases.

[enlighten me]

Hi Turkish

Im not so much traumatised by things as irate. I have two perfectly healthy boys 11 and 13 that I did most things for. I fed, bathed, did the school runs, homework, taught to tie their shoe laces, taught to ride a bike, taught to ski, have taken them abroad on several occasions yet my exgf perceives me as some sort of incompetent. She has said that her family told her to give me some slack and not be so over protective though.

The reason for this thread though is more about whether it is her projecting her childhood wishes or whether people think her obsession with me having one on one time with an 18 month old child is just normal.