Afraid of new relationships

[Lost23]

I'm sure this is common but there seem to be so many issues with a new relationship. I'll try to list them to stay on topic. This is the early stage of a relationship so some of it is over thinking, but it's hard nonetheless. And of course, this can apply to any relationship in the future. Things I think about.

1) The baggage and damage done. I'm afraid to open up. I don't know how to deal when things are good, without the ups and downs, the rollercoaster. I'm surprised when nice things are done without motive. I know she wants to help when I'm sad or stressed but I feel like it's wrong to have her affected by my life's continuing drama, yet I know just me being stressed and closed off IS affecting her.

2) I feel bad for her because I'll never be able to give as much as I gave to the uBPDxw. Some I just can't (kids), some I just won't (marriage again) and some I know I'll be unable since I am co-parent with ex. I'll never be able to fully give her the attention she deserves. I feel sad that I gave so much to someone who never fully appreciated it and now I can't give half that to someone who does.

3) My biggest fear. If it extends to something more serious, at some point my uBPDxw will know who she is. I've seen the backlash from that before. She will be attacked verbally, emotionally. She will be bad mouthed, scrutinized and smeared. She doesn't deserve that. If it drives her away, I would understand but of course be hurt. If she stayed I would feel bad that she had to endure it.

She has asked me several times for details, who she is, how I met her, who else knows who she is, etc. I give nothing which just fuels it. She must be a prostitute or something since I'm so "ashamed" that I won't tell ehr anything. I maintain that it's not her business. I know she is baiting me and it's hard not to succumb sometimes, but I have to remember she's not actually interested in being proven wrong, she just wants to know who to enact her wrath on if it's not getting to me. It's kind of terrifying.

[Rifka]

I'm sure this is common but there seem to be so many issues with a new relationship. I'll try to list them to stay on topic. This is the early stage of a relationship so some of it is over thinking, but it's hard nonetheless. And of course, this can apply to any relationship in the future. Things I think about.

1) The baggage and damage done. I'm afraid to open up. I don't know how to deal when things are good, without the ups and downs, the rollercoaster. I'm surprised when nice things are done without motive. I know she wants to help when I'm sad or stressed but I feel like it's wrong to have her affected by my life's continuing drama, yet I know just me being stressed and closed off IS affecting her.

2) I feel bad for her because I'll never be able to give as much as I gave to the uBPDxw. Some I just can't (kids), some I just won't (marriage again) and some I know I'll be unable since I am co-parent with ex. I'll never be able to fully give her the attention she deserves. I feel sad that I gave so much to someone who never fully appreciated it and now I can't give half that to someone who does.

3) My biggest fear. If it extends to something more serious, at some point my uBPDxw will know who she is. I've seen the backlash from that before. She will be attacked verbally, emotionally. She will be bad mouthed, scrutinized and smeared. She doesn't deserve that. If it drives her away, I would understand but of course be hurt. If she stayed I would feel bad that she had to endure it.

She has asked me several times for details, who she is, how I met her, who else knows who she is, etc. I give nothing which just fuels it. She must be a prostitute or something since I'm so "ashamed" that I won't tell ehr anything. I maintain that it's not her business. I know she is baiting me and it's hard not to succumb sometimes, but I have to remember she's not actually interested in being proven wrong, she just wants to know who to enact her wrath on if it's not getting to me. It's kind of terrifying.

Lost,

I think it will change with time and trust with the new person.

We are really emotionally drained and damaged when this battle ends. It would not make sense to just throw our everything on the line again after going through the battlefield of emotions with the exBPD exes.

I think you are very smart to avoid discussing the new with the old. I'm sure that would not turn out well.

I went on a first date this week! It was nice!

I wish you luck!

[Lost23]

Thanks. I have been seeing a girl for a month or so now. I know in a way it was pretty soon but I know myself enough to know it wasn't a rebound. The stage where I would have done that had passed. I wasn't looking for anything but I met her through other people and we had a lot in common. She has been so caring and patient and understanding through all this. She has been adamant that she would never want to be "that girl" that keeps me from my kids or family, so when I have to constantly reschedule things often to accommodate absurd demands, she's always maintained that she is happy when I have time with my kids and we can always plan something later.

[dutchmaster617]

I am in this boat with you OP, me and you, good to know we are not alone.

I can't give advice because I don't know how to treat another woman without my mind saying it is a trap, I wish you best man!

[Lost23]

I am in this boat with you OP, me and you, good to know we are not alone.

I can't give advice because I don't know how to treat another woman without my mind saying it is a trap, I wish you best man!

I was worried that's how I'd feel and maybe if I had met someone else it would have been, but this girl is literally the nicest human being that I think exists . So more frequently I just feel bad that I gave my uBPDxw like 250% and I'm giving this girl like 16%... .and that sooner or later the ex WILL come after her. I can only keep her away from the fire for so long... .

[dutchmaster617]

I am in this boat with you OP, me and you, good to know we are not alone.

I can't give advice because I don't know how to treat another woman without my mind saying it is a trap, I wish you best man!

I was worried that's how I'd feel and maybe if I had met someone else it would have been, but this girl is literally the nicest human being that I think exists . So more frequently I just feel bad that I gave my uBPDxw like 250% and I'm giving this girl like 16%... .and that sooner or later the ex WILL come after her. I can only keep her away from the fire for so long... .

Let me just tell you a quick story relating to your comment of how you can lose her and won't blame her.

I knew a girl from last september from school, 2 dates (dinner/movie), third date she cooks my favorite meal, puts on an action flick assuming it is for me as at the movies she said she likes horror, sampled imported beer for me. All the signs of making a move was there but I was stuck in the FOG, so I gave her a goodnight hug and left.

We talked about me teaching her to make a spanish dish (me being half hispanic) and it was good convo for a while. One morning I am getting breakfast for my kids and had my exBPD ride along, I went in real quick (leaving my cell in the car) to pick up and when I came back she had saved the girls number in her phone (read my texts).

Around Thanksgiving it was all happy holidays but... .why is your ex disrespecting me? I apologized and the whole 9 but we never really talked never saw her again. She was a good chick but I screwed up and that is that. I know what it feels like to give it all, but me and you have to learn boundaries so we can maintain something with the good and possibly healthy women we meet going forward, don't make my mistake.

I say good luck man, seems you still have a shot!

[WhatTheFrank]

She has asked me several times for details, who she is, how I met her, who else knows who she is, etc. I give nothing which just fuels it. She must be a prostitute or something since I'm so "ashamed" that I won't tell ehr anything.

I would have had such a hard time saying it's not her I'm ashamed of, it's you!