What should I do?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I posted a while back about how when I got a flu shot, the pharmacist who gave me the flu shot had talked with my BPDw and jokingly told her that I was with a blonde woman. This is absolutely false! I was by myself, nobody was with me whatsoever! Also, I am very faithful, and I wouldn't ever do something like that whatsoever! In turn, my BPDw told me that she told him and then me that she has been so busy, that it doesn't bother her that I would be with any woman whatsoever! She even laughed about it! I reacted with total disbelief that such a conversation would even take place. The fact that a professional who has enough work to do already would be so infantil and would stoop so low, that he would want to create chaos when nothing like that took place! In fact, one of his co-workers who is friends with my BPDw could verify that I was there all alone.

Well, I have been thinking about this so very much, that I decided to call the pharmacist himself. I explained who I was, how I came in for the flu shot, and how he supposedly had communicated with my BPDw. It turns out to be an absolute lie. I told him that if that had happened, it would be totally unprofessional on his part. He agreed. He remembered talking with her about a professional matter, but he did not say anything like this at all. I said that spreading rumors is a total waste of time, very hurtful, and very offensive. I told him that I am faithful to the core! I said to him that my BPDw likes to create chaos, and this is a good example of what I was talking about. I said to him that this is a personal matter now between my BPDw and me, and I said I would appreciate it very much, if he would not mention this to anyone, because it is a personal matter. He said "absolutely".

So, what should I do? I do not create chaos. I create peace, love, understanding, and harmony both personally and professionally. She has created "unpeace", hate, misunderstanding, distrust, and disharmony again.

So, bottom line, what should I do?

So, what shoul

[Samuel S.]

I posted a while back about how when I got a flu shot, the pharmacist who gave me the flu shot had talked with my BPDw and jokingly told her that I was with a blonde woman. This is absolutely false! I was by myself, nobody was with me whatsoever! Also, I am very faithful, and I wouldn't ever do something like that whatsoever! In turn, my BPDw told me that she told him and then me that she has been so busy, that it doesn't bother her that I would be with any woman whatsoever! She even laughed about it! I reacted with total disbelief that such a conversation would even take place. The fact that a professional who has enough work to do already would be so infantil and would stoop so low, that he would want to create chaos when nothing like that took place! In fact, one of his co-workers who is friends with my BPDw could verify that I was there all alone.

Well, I have been thinking about this so very much, that I decided to call the pharmacist himself. I explained who I was, how I came in for the flu shot, and how he supposedly had communicated with my BPDw. It turns out to be an absolute lie. I told him that if that had happened, it would be totally unprofessional on his part. He agreed. He remembered talking with her about a professional matter, but he did not say anything like this at all. I said that spreading rumors is a total waste of time, very hurtful, and very offensive. I told him that I am faithful to the core! I said to him that my BPDw likes to create chaos, and this is a good example of what I was talking about. I said to him that this is a personal matter now between my BPDw and me, and I said I would appreciate it very much, if he would not mention this to anyone, because it is a personal matter. He said "absolutely".

So, what should I do? I do not create chaos. I create peace, love, understanding, and harmony both personally and professionally. She has created "unpeace", hate, misunderstanding, distrust, and disharmony again.

So, bottom line, what should I do?

So, what shoul

[hurting300]

The only way you fight fire is with fire. Don't be a beta male. You tell her she did wrong! You draw the line.

[Samuel S.]

Yes, I will tell her that she did wrong. I am hurting quite a bit, and I do not deserve this manipulation. All I have ever given her is my love.

[hurting300]

No man or No woman deserves to be abused and manipulated. You tell her, in a stern clear voice that she is out of line and you will act accordingly. If she gets loud you get loud back!

[Surnia]

This is a tough situation, Samuel. I would be hurt too. Good you have had the talk with the doctor.

What I find interesting that this situation shows something from her beside her studies. Like when a huge wall got cracks over night... .

I have my doubts about getting loud back.

[hurting300]

Yeah maybe I should rephrase that. Don't literally get "loud" but do not let her get the upper hand. Let her talk then come down on her with your proof. Don't let up. Set boundaries and declare war if she crosses them. It's harsh but you need to stand up for yourself.

[Samuel S.]

I truly appreciate all of your feedback! Thank you for bringing sanity in this insane situation, one of many that we all have experienced unfortunately!

Bottom line, my step D18 is about to leave for college on Sunday. So, my BPDw and her D18 are going through all kinds of emotions. Also, seeing I was raised with parents who argued extensively, I am going to wait until my BPDw and I are by ourselves. Then, I like the idea that was suggested to summarize what happened in regards to the stupid pharmacist and my BPDw's extremely hurtful comments which are absolutely false. Then, I will tell her emotionally but not loudly how hurtful she was.

BTW, my BPDw has worked with a "medium counselor" for over 10 years to feel better and is studying how to be at peace via. her acupuncture studies, meditation, etc. Yet, her studies obviously are not something she is practicing.

[Samuel S.]

Here is an update as to what is going on around here.

I have decided to wait on even approaching my BPDw about her verbal abuse until after I talk with my counselor. She is only available in about 2 weeks, but I can wait. I need to sort out my emotions with my counselor in order to get her perspective. Granted, I am going to talk with my BPDw about her verbal abuse eventually, although I want to do it in the right, assertive way. Frankly, I am hessitant to the extent of being afraid along with being angry with her.

Secondly, my BPDw was just talking with a mutual friend whom she has not talked to for a long time. The mutual friend asked my BPDw what I have been doing. My BPDw said that I am writing so that I can be busy, and she then laughed. She has said something like this before as well. Yeah, it is true I am writing along with teaching, tutoring, and giving workshops. I am doing these things not to be busy, but to help, because I have a lot to offer, and many, many people know this as well. Maybe, I am being too sensitive, but it seems to me that this is just another form of verbal abuse and put-down and perhaps even being a form of jealousy, because she is so selfish.

[hurting300]

My friend... they are super selfish and two faced. You are NOT being overly sensitive.

[Aussie0zborn]

Hmmm... .maybe you haven't experienced this yet or just not aware of it... .that comment she made to her friend in your presence was actually quite polite considering what she tells everybody else about you behind your back.

When the hammer falls, you will more than likely realise that she was alerting you to her character assassination and abuse of you all along. People with BPD get great joy from such things as it occurs but more so when they hit you with the devaluation unexpectedly.

By ignoring these hints, we are actually aiding the devaluation process. If you are sensitive to these things now, how will you handle the destruction of you inner core when it happens?

My experience is that you can stand up for yourself on each issue as it arises, and back off on the less important issues just to keep the peace but what invariably occurs is that they find another way to achieve their objective - that objective being devaluation so you will have to watch your back each and every day.

By the way, they don't like getting caught out. Don't be surprised if she denies having ever said it and making out that you are crazy. I hope you find an answer to this problem.

[hurting300]

Aussie, you are so freaking correct. Mine talked about me BAD behind my back and denied it all until someone finally opened up and said look man, she making you out to be awful. And I'm telling you when it hits you like a ton of bricks and it will, you will be crushed.

[Samuel S.]

Here's an update as to the flippant remarks that the pharmacist and my BPDw said.

While my BPDw was at work, the pharmacist just called me. He was extremely apologetic. He admitted to me that he made the comment that I supposedly had been with a blonde woman. He said I was by myself. He said he did tell my BPDw jokingly that I was with a blonde woman. I then explained to him that I accepted his apology and that I appreciated the fact that he took the initiative to call me to apologize. He said the night that I had called, that he did not sleep well at all due to this joke and my subsequent phone call. I explained to him that while she is very professional and very well liked professionally, that her personal history has been bad, that she lashes out toward with verbal abuse whenever she feels like it. This particular situation was just the tip of the iceberg, that it was just an easy way for her to be more provocative and more hurtful. It was hard for him to hear what I said, but he did finally listen. He asked me if he should approach her about this, and I said I would prefer him not to, because it was a situation that I have to deal with, with counseling. At least, like one of you said, he realizes that she is two-faced and is willing to provoke due to the hurt she has experienced.

As for my BPDw and her remarks, it is like everything is fine. Yeah, right! (All sarcasm intended!). I am seeing a counselor on October 7th to sort my emotions and come up with a strategy. Yeah, I need to tell her, but right now, my emotions are too raw. I am very hurt. The only thing that is keeping me going is what I am doing professionally to help others. As for how I am dealing with her, I am being very cool. I am not being verbally abusive. I am not doing anything bad. After all, if I were to do so, I would be just as bad as she is. I can control what I do, and she cannot. I believe in humanity and being humane. Being abusive even with her is not going to resolve anything. That is why I am seeing a counselor soon.

[Samuel S.]

My BPDw and I did a rarely done walk around the lake for about an hour this evening. During her monologue mostly, she mentioned how she has learned to forgive her mother for having abused her by the therapy that my BPDw has done, how her mother has given presents to the family. She was almost to the point of tears, and I just listened and validated what she was saying. She continued by saying that we all need to forgive others for their actions and not to take them personally.

While I am happy that she has come to this realization for herself, what she practices is basically "pay it forward" or her own verbal abuse with me, like she has not really learned, that she still has a lot of anger in her heart. So, she needs to take it out in flippant ways as she does with me, like with the pharmacist's "joke" and countless other ways.

So, she obviously has not learned about how hurtful her own comments can be and the aftermath of them. That is why I am going to see my counselor. That is why I am going to sort my emotions with her. That is why I am going to try to find the courage to ask my BPDw to join me, although she is "too busy" with her studies and her work. That is why I am going to modify my will dramatically. That is why I am ultimately going to move out, unless she truly and honestly convinces herself to change her perspective about me. Otherwise, I am out of here, sad to say, but I can't live her negativity that much longer! And she studies acupuncture and meditation to feel better about herself, but most definitely not about me or us! 

[Samuel S.]

As parents, there comes a point in time in which we become empty nesters. Our children who become more adult-like go off to college, the military, or go to another town. Simply put, they move on and out.

This happened yesterday with my BPDw's D18 who thanked me very much for being here for her over the years and gave me a hug. That within itself touched my heart. I found out afterward from my BPDw that the two of them cried due to what her D18 said and done.

My BPDw took off to college yesterday and got her settled into her dorm room and left. My BPDw came back here and began to cry. Of course, this is totally normal to have happened, seeing how close parents can become over the years, but that is a part of life that we all experience sooner or later.

While I listened and validated what my BPDw was saying and empathized with her, this was one of the very few times in which she got very emotional with crying, a normal reaction under the circumstances. Frankly though, considering how hurtful she has been with me and with so many other people, I was sad for her, but this was her karma for being so vicious, so abusive, so insincere, so distrustful, so hurtful.

[Samuel S.]

I haven't heard from the "joking" pharmacist, and I have no need or desire to contact him or to go to his pharmacist, seeing that I don't frequent that pharmacy. Also, due to his insensitivity and even though he has apologized, it does not say too much about the guy to want to create chaos, just like my BPDw does.

Speaking about chaos that my BPDw created just yesterday, I came back late after a long, good day. Knowing how she is, I just put my books, etc., down and sat next to her, because it was readily apparent that she wanted to say things to me. So, that's what I did. Right at the very end, she hinted that I might have had a long, good day, but it was very well obvious that she did it out of courtesy and was not really in the mood to listen. Well, she rarely wishes to listen, anyway.

After she took her shower, I remembered some exciting news, and I wanted to share it with her. She immediately said that I should wait a couple of days when she returns, that she had to study, that she did not have time to listen to me. I responded with "Oh!" I was basically cast off for wanting to share something which would have taken no more than several minutes.

So, I just let it go. It was not worth arguing about, especially since it would interfere with her studies, if I would want to start arguing with her.

A couple of minutes later, she said that she was hot from using the hairdryer. So, she said that she now had a little bit of time to listen to me.  Gee, thanks! (all sarcasm intended!)

After she more or less listened for no more than two minutes, she said that sounds good. Then, she started doing her "yes, but" ideas, which in part are true, but mostly being negative. I kissed her good night, and that was it.

She might be happy for what I am doing, but only if it brings in money. She has proven that so many times in the past.

[Lucky One]

So truly sorry, that you are experiencing this in your life, from your partner who you obviously love quite a lot.

I have experienced similar distortions of facts and truth from my uBPDw.

It's amazing what they come up with sometimes. I have to wonder what's going on in their brain. The wiring seems all wrong. Or perhaps, one or two screws are loose.

But they have to fix it. NOT us.

I really wonder if a face on confrontation will help, but I also sometimes feel the intimidation from uBPDw bringing on my own personal fear, for yet another episode of angry chaos, in the household, controlled by uBPDw.

I'm a peace loving person, but it's NOT helping. So, things have to change-drastically.

I'm 38 years in my relationship. Married for 32 years or is it 33.

Absolutely faithful & loyal throughout. NOT interested in another woman, at all.

Did it help. NO. Love was not enough!


Who needs this?

[Samuel S.]

Lucky One, you are so right on! Who needs this? Who needs chaos?

Well, the contradictions continue around here! My BPDw came back after working last night. Another pharmacist, not the one who made the "joke", told her how unfaithful and how unreliable her husband is, that she plans to move out and to move on with her own life.

After my BPDw told me that, she "praised" me for being faithful, reliable, and honest, that I am not like the other guy. Well, the contradiction is is that when that other pharmacist who made that "joke" about me being with another woman which was totally false, my BPDw laughed and told him and consequently me that I should go out with another woman, because my BPDw is "busy" with her life of work and studies. I just looked at her wondering what H*** she is talking about. Indeed, I am faithful, reliable, and honest, but to "joke" around like that and then to praise me for being these ways, like you said, Lucky One, who needs this? I just wish she would be considerate consistently, but I guess that would be too much to ask of a BPD!

[Lucky One]

Sorry, to have to say it, but I don't think that "consideration for others" consistency, is part of a pwBPD's, demeanour. I mean - consistently - all the time.

They are mainly feeling "their emotions". Fight or flight. And then the strange behaviour appears, that we find so confusing!

This is my experience. Maybe it's different for others, because there are success stories. You can read them under "SUCCESS STORIES" on this website

We just need to get the whole picture, and then determine what needs to be done.