Did anyone else cheat?

[vortex of confusion]

Yes, I have cheated. I am not proud of it at all.

My husband says that it wasn't cheating because I had his permission and encouragement. My situation is/was very twisted. My husband is a sex addict but I had put it out of my mind because he hadn't really acted out to my knowledge in quite a few years. Anyway, a bunch of different stuff happened. I told my husband that I felt like I was drowning and needed help. I wanted him to help more with the kids and I wanted to feel like he was my life partner. I had been taking care of everything around the house and helping him with his health issues. When I approached him about wanting and needing some help in everyday things, he was rather complacent and acted like I had horns growing out of my head. He couldn't perform in the bedroom. He wouldn't take me on dates. I felt like a single parent living with an overgrown man-child instead of having a husband.

Anyway, I saw a personal ad and answered it. I talked to the guy for two days before I was overridden with guilt. I told my husband and instead of getting upset, he got excited. He told me that he thought he was bisexual. It turns out that the guy that I was talking to was also bisexual. Anyway, long story short is that I cheated with that guy but I had the stipulation put on me that I had to come home and give my husband the details. It was messed up. When I refused to give my husband details, my husband told the guy's wife and he never talked to me again.

I did find somebody else to cheat with. It is more of an emotional thing as we live pretty far away from each other. I don't have any explanation or justification other than it feels good to have somebody act like they enjoy my company and find me desirable. My husband tried to push me off on any guy that would have me. Even now, my husband can't get excited over me unless he thinks that there is somebody else involved. That hurts. It hurts a lot. My husband and I are still together but I think I checked out of the relationship emotionally the minute my husband started encouraging me to see other people. We had been married for almost 14 years when this happened and we have 4 kids together.

And when I look back at our history, I shouldn't be surprised. He chose to watch PPV porn on our wedding night instead of consummating our marriage. The early days of our marriage were filled with him choosing porn over me. I'd wake up in the mornings and find him on the computer looking at porn. Even after he quit looking at porn, things were awkward in the bedroom. It was more like I was his dumpster rather than his wife. After a while, that stuff eats at a person.

[Inside]

…I’ve read nothing but the lead question here (with apparently a lot of responses, but will).  Nope, never cheated on her, nor with my prior wife of 29 years…  I’d always assumed that if I cared about the r/s I was in, it wasn’t worth throwing away for what would likely have been only a few bouts of passionate lovemaking…  …perhaps I was wrong

I was convinced my uBPD(x)gf hadn’t physically cheated, while with me, or between our 7 recycles…  And though I’d spent time with a ‘normal woman’ between some of those BP shove-offs, I hadn't gotten physical either.  

The only thing I can admit to is having continued to look for someone else toward the last of those recycles … assuming my BPgf was doing the same … and prettywell convinced we weren’t going to last.  Had I found someone – I’d have abandoned the BP.  And she’d have earned it…  

[Mr Hollande]

has anyone else realized that this person brought the worst out in them?

With my first BPD, who I was with 15 years ago, yes. She absolutely brought out the worst in me. For many years after I asked myself who the person that inhabited my body during that time was? He wasn't someone I liked. He was violent, dangerous and at times out of control. It's not the person my parents brought me up to be. It's not who I wanted to be. I hope I never meet him again.

[silentscream]

New here, and between the "leaving" and "undecided" boards.

I cheated. At the time, I didn't consider it infidelity. My BPD husband and I had been separated (living in different houses) for five months, and I had told him the relationship was over. I hadn't filed papers yet, but had seen an attorney. In my mind, the marriage was over and the legality of it was just that ... .a legality.

My self esteem had been absolutely destroyed, as I'm sure many of you had experienced. And a friend of a friend absolutely swept me off my feet. He treated me like I was the most precious thing in the entire world - he was everything I had always hoped my husband would be and I fell pretty hard.

When I informed my husband that I was going to file papers, he absolutely did a 180 - went into intensive counseling, started taking the meds he was never committed to taking before. He has worked very hard to get me back. Whether or not the changes are sustainable is a topic for another thread, but now I feel absolutely awful. In his mind, the marriage was not over. I should have filed papers before I started dating.

So now I have a boyfriend that I'm crazy about and a husband who is fighting tooth and nail to keep me. I think he suspects that I was dating, but doesn't know for sure. I am absolutely sick with indecision. The rumor mill is now churning due to some pictures that were posted on social media, and my husband's family is absolutely rabid and convinced that my cheating is what caused the demise of the relationship. They have no idea about his illness.

I'm rambling now - I absolutely understand how and why those who cheat do - I feel like the new relationship kept me from sinking into complete despair and losing my mind - but to anyone who might be reading and considering it, I would say don't. Just file the papers - it's not worth the anguish it could cause. Even though I feel like I'm the wronged one in all of this, it has opened me up for so much criticism. I wish I had treated my husband with more respect - whether he deserved it or not - and stayed as blameless as possible.

[JRav59]

has anyone else realized that this person brought the worst out in them?

With my first BPD, who I was with 15 years ago, yes. She absolutely brought out the worst in me. For many years after I asked myself who the person that inhabited my body during that time was? He wasn't someone I liked. He was violent, dangerous and at times out of control. It's not the person my parents brought me up to be. It's not who I wanted to be. I hope I never meet him again.

I remember starting with so many healthy boundaries. No yelling, cursing, throwing things during a fight it shows complete disrespect. She did it anyways. She had inappropriate relationships with just about everyone. She even seduced one of her THERAPISTS. By the end, I was doing ANYTHING just to be heard and respected. Nothing. I hit a wall and cheated. I was not about to take it lying down. It woke me up. I dumped her. My affair saved my life.

[Mr Hollande]

During Christmas last year I had a Spanish hottie, some fake blonde floozy who likes my band, throw herself at me on FB. Miss BPD didn't like that, of course, but since she had conveniently ended our hopes of (for the hundredth time) patching things up by announcing she was now going to be with Drug Dealer Loser Guy (DDLG) I saw no reason not to take up Spanish Floozy's (SF's) offer. "How long have you known her?". A while but I had no interest until you announced your relationship with DDLG. "How could you? How DARE YOU?". Well dear, if you f##k around then so can I! "But, but I'm in a relationship!". Sure you are.

Long story short. She ditched DDLG and I cancelled SF. I wish I hadn't. There was no future with SF but there certainly wasn't one with miss BPD either. Had I honoured SF's invitation I would have had some hot sex without the deceit, games and ultimate heart ache. Live and learn!

[Dutched]

Mutt (as moderator), all,

I apologize for the way I expressed myself.

It was certainly not my intention to judge, merely to hold a mirror relating to the behaviour of the ex partners as discussed on this Board.

Dutched