Out of Options...

[TiredOfDrama]

Timing sometimes works in mysterious ways.

Over the last few months, everything in our lives has been in a state of chaos. SD... .27, who was recently diagnosed with BPD, was no longer welcome to live with us when we got the confirmation (although I knew it for sure). So we knew... .she didn't. Great... .now what?

So... .what to do... .what to do? She won't get therapy until she knows she has BPD, but when/how will we tell her?

She was no longer welcome to live with us because she left town for a few days knowing that was against the rules we laid down for her when she came back to live with us for the umpteenth time. Since Labor Day weekend, she's been staying with a friend. It was supposed to be for a few days until BF came back to up to GA, they would move in together and live happily ever after (her thought process, not ours) We worried this might end badly, and it did. 6 weeks later he hadn't gotten here, and she wore out her welcome with BFF's roommate. So she was now sleeping on some guy friend's couch. Great.  :'(

She called and wanted to come over on Sunday for a visit... .to see all the cats, especially hers. We decided that this was our chance. She was in tears when she walked in the door (she cries A LOT) and we told her we thought we had some answers and some possible solutions.

Long story... .short, she knows she has BPD now. And we told her she can "stay here"... .not "live here" while she starts some therapy. Stuff stays in the garage... .we're giving her a bed and a shower and roof. And she must apply for food stamps and welfare.

Then we find a therapist who will work on sliding scale and who does DBT therapy.

Fingers crossed and trying to keep expectations reasonable.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[tristesse]

Tiredofdrama,

I can totally relate. My DD is turning 31 next month, and is living in my home. She is very low functioning and is no way able to keep a job, if she could even get one. There are other DX too, like ADD and PTSD, and she has severe anxiety, she passed out in Walmart a week ago when she went to pick up her meds, the pharmacy was really busy and it overwhelmed her, before she could make her escape she fainted.

I understand your need to be away from the drama, and I applaud you for sticking to the rules and boundaries you have set in place. If nothing else, it sends a clear picture that you will follow through if she crosses the line. I struggle with the enforcement part of the boundaries, so Kudos to you.

I 'm sure she does cry a lot as you have said, it goes with the DX, the crazy number of emotions and feelings that a BPD experiences all at the same time, would be overwhelming for anybody.

I'm glad she will be seeking Therapy, and that you are there for here, Remember to care for yourself and your own needs. And remember that while you are on this roller coaster, there are so many of us here to help and understand, Hang in there.

[TiredOfDrama]

Remember to care for yourself and your own needs.

Now THAT is a challenge. Spent 1/2 the night on the couch, watching TV, because I couldn't turn my head off... .as usual.  :'(

But having a "plan" is helpful.

Thanks for the support. It helps.

[nzmum]

Remember to care for yourself and your own needs.

Now THAT is a challenge. Spent 1/2 the night on the couch, watching TV, because I couldn't turn my head off... .as usual.  :'(

Oh my - how many of us do you think are channel surfing in the wee small hours to try to switch off?   

Our DD17 is just starting (fingers crossed she attends) therapy - long road ahead of us I guess.  Boundaries are yet to be set - all we've been able to do so far is lurch from one event to the next and keep everyone safe 

We are determined to make differences with what we do in order to help DD - hope she does the same for us 

[pessim-optimist]

This looks hopeful, TiredOfDrama! 

[TiredOfDrama]

AND... .looks like I spoke too soon.   

Yesterday was the day BPD-SD was going to settle in, apply for food stamps, catch up on laundry and get ready to come to work for DH and I doing some light filing, for which we'd pay her a little.

The "boy" she ran off with over the summer, and I say "boy" because he told her he was 21 and it turns out he's 19 (she'll be 28 in December) somehow made his was back to GA from FL and was going to pick up the life he led before he left in July. Surprise, surprise... .his roommates found someone to take his spot in the house they shared. His truck was going to be towed off , so his dad came to GA and took it to AL. Oh... .hmmmm, no vehicle, no place to live. So, of course, SD picks him up to take him to his local grandparents home to spend the night. Oh... .geeez... .grandpa in the hospital. Now what? Really? What a coincidence.

Last I heard before taking a sleeping pill (since I didn't sleep the night before) was she was dropping him off at a guy friend's apt at 11pm so he could sleep on the couch.

Her car is in the driveway, so I guess she made it home. DH went to sleep too, so more to hit the fan shortly I'm sure. Day 1, and we are already de-railed. REALLY?

Have I said how tired of the drama I am?         :'(

[tristesse]

Tiredofdrama, This too shall pass.

I am sure you're aware of the manipulations of the pwBPD. For some reason they seem to think we are all naïve or dumb when it comes to their antics. They will say and do ridiculous things in order to get what they want in that moment. I don't believe your sd is in a place mentally where she is able to control it. I'm sure she knows when she is doing wrong, and I'm sure she knows when she is lying, but we all know that a pwBPD sees things far differently than we do. So is she aware of her manipulations? perhaps,  but not necessarily. She is however aware of the boundaries and house rules, those are not open to perception, and are pretty black and white. So you need to ask yourself, did she violate a rule or boundary? If not, I'd say it isn't worth the battle, and if she did, well then you have to do whats right for you. I hope everything calms down for you soon, and you are able to get some much needed rest. Take care of you

[TiredOfDrama]

I hope everything calms down for you soon, and you are able to get some much needed rest. Take care of you

  Thanks!

We are pondering our next move at the moment. We have been going to NAMI Family-to-Family classes and we have one tonite. We might seek input from others there as well.

And of course, she knows she's dealing with smart people... .she's constantly surprised HOW smart.    While flipping channels like I do, I noticed a "recently viewed" movie that happens to be the BF's favorite (she told us that one time and I remembered). So, I took a picture of the TV screen showing the "recently viewed" movie listing, sent the screen shot to her in a text and asked... .what's up with this? HIS favorite movie on our DVR on a day you spent with him while we were at work... .hmmmmm. IF we find out that she had him in our home, I'm afraid you'll hear the fireworks from wherever you are in the world.

More to come, I'm sure.

[pessim-optimist]

Bummer... .there might be some fireworks on the immediate horizon either way - considering that the bf is back in town.

Wishing you a productive evening at the NAMI class.

[MammaMia]

Tired

NAMI's Family to family Course is great, but it does not address BPD.  See if they can recommend anything locally that does.  Having said that, it is still definitely worth attending the class since it will provide a lot of information on dealing with mental illness in general and how the brain functions.

Good luck.

[TiredOfDrama]

NAMI's Family to family Course is great, but it does not address BPD.

Our class does address BPD... .along with some other mental illness.

Having said that, it is still definitely worth attending the class since it will provide a lot of information on dealing with mental illness in general and how the brain functions.

Brain function was last night's class... .how did you know? You spying on us?        j/k

No fireworks... .thank goodness. BF was not in our home. Upon further investigation, the timing of when the movie was watched was earlier in the day... .before she saw him. Dodged an episode there.

The other piece of good news-while we were at NAMI last night she texted that she was going to go out around 8 and be home before 11. Of course she was headed out to see BF. A few back/forth texts with me and she changed her mind. I suggested that she needed to take this plan of ours seriously. She mentioned she felt weird that we were in this class because of her. DING, DING, DING... .I told her that's right, and I'd rather "go out" than be in a class after a full day of work. I asked her to consider that as "food for thought".

She texted back... .she was staying in. I suggested she start reading the book we bought for her "Get Me Out of Here". By the time we got home, she was thankful that I suggested she stay home, thankful about the book (she had a few "ah ha moments" while reading) and was ready to come to work with dh and I today for a few hours. Light filing and organizing some things is what she loves to do, so it's win-win.

So, hopefully we are back on track. I needed to emphasize that this effort to get her better was a priority for us and we hoped it was a priority for her too, or this plan of our wasn't going to work. A group hug and we'll see what today brings.   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[MammaMia]

Tired

I am thrilled to hear NAMI has incorporated BPD into its class. When I attended several years ago, they did not.  They also offer a telecommunication course specifically on BPD but in very few locations, and the waiting list is huge.

You are so lucky to have BPD support from this wonderful organization.  Thanks for letting me know this.