Opinions on how best to serve papers?

[ANewHorizon]

Hi,

So I got the call today that the process server will be calling me to set up the time to serve uBPDw.  She has D1 until Saturday when she will spend the day with me. 

Any thoughts on if it makes a difference on having her served when she has the kid or not?  Originally I was going to say without the kid but thinking she may be more grounded if D1 is there with her.

BTW she already knows I am filing.

[Nope]

She may be more grounded or she may not be more grounded. I wouldn't leave the child there to listen to the raging and think she is responsible for her mom. Even if the BPD knows you are filing it's still likely to trigger abandonment issues.

[maxen]

I don't think you should serve with the D there. otoh, she's only 1 yer old. otoh, your w has to be stable with the D around. even if she knows it's coming, it's always a shock to receive it.

does your w have a lawyer? can you have it delivered to the lawyer?

[ForeverDad]

Based on your prior posts I believe your filing will be seeking more parenting time than she wants you to have.  For example, she's been breastfeeding and though you daughter is already a toddler she is using that claim as basis to deny you overnights.  Does your paperwork seek overnights, more time than she is currently 'allowing' you, authority to attend daughter's doctor visits, etc?  If so then I'd expect her to be hugely triggered.  If it just is filing basic stuff and not what you're ultimately seeking then it would be less but I think still impactful to her.  One of your posts said you heard that she was asking people for help to get you to return back to the way things were.  Getting the notice would slam that door shut and she likely would get triggered.

One problem is that you get such brief times with your daughter.  If you don't have a custody order, then wouldn't you both have equal but undefined parenting rights?  What's to keep you from telling her, "You just got served, you seem stressed right now, I'll keep daughter until Sunday evening so you can have some time to unwind, relax and process it."

(Yes, that might trigger a terrible incident, maybe an incident at some point in time is unavoidable, but it's a possible option.  Just be very careful if you do try it.)

In my state, if there was no written parenting schedule or exchange order/agreement and one parent demanded the child and the police got involved, the first thing they would ask is "Where is the paperwork from court?  What does the order say?"  If none then my police would say, "Call us back when you get a court order in hand.  But while we're here, can't we work this out?  Our primary goal is to defuse incidents and avoid having to take action that no one wants.  This schedule or exchange issue needs to be resolved by the court.  Meanwhile, Father, will you return the child now?  No, you'll do it tomorrow evening?  Mother, why don't you do the exchange tomorrow evening, there's no order or paperwork to force father to return the child right now, he has equal rights as parent too.  It is in the child's best interests not to have an incident right now.  You would need to go to court to resolve the issue and work out a schedule.  Okay?  Then until tomorrow evening or unless there is an order before then, please stay apart so there's no incident.  You really don't want us officers to return and haul one or both of you in for the weekend."

Well, that's not exactly what what happened to me.  My ex was blocking ALL contact with my preschooler and I asked the police to help me see my son.  They told me they would not accompany me to her door, I was told to get a court order in hand before they would do anything.  However, when I said I was concerned that me just walking up alone to her door would prompt her to retaliate with a 911 call, the officer replied, "Of course we'll come rushing!"  I really didn't want to spend a weekend in jail, so I waited and didn't have time with my son at all for over 3 months until I got a court order in hand.  She was able to block me because she was in de facto possession of our child.  All I had was the empty house.

What turned out is that when I filed for divorce I requested full custody.  Wow, did that trigger her!  By then our prior protection orders against each other had all been dismissed.  So she had to retaliate and make me look worse than her so she went to civil court and filed for Harassment protection for herself and our son.  I'm not making that up.  (By the way, it took 5 more years but the court did eventually make me Legal Guardian.  Court believes very strongly in baby steps of improvement.  Our son was 4 when I filed and he was 9 when I finally got custody.  His precious early years were impacted but time means nothing to court.)

That scenario I gave might be possible in my state, I don't know what would happen in yours.  What does your lawyer recommend?

BTW, now at this momentous point in time it is especially crucial that you record yourself any time she is nearby.  She may try to make allegations of DV, child abuse, neglect or endangerment.  She will try to portray you as worse than the scum of the earth when really all it is is her trying to make you look worse than her.  And when it comes to a woman making allegations about a man, the system usually default to the preference of the woman.  (Thank you, Violence Against Women Act of 1974, but what about us men?)  If you had proof you weren't the one acting badly, then it could make the difference between getting stuck with a restraining order or getting the motion dismissed.

[ANewHorizon]

Thanks everyone for the input.  I just have to say without this family I would be completely lost and I can't thank everyone enough for all your support.

ForeverDad

First, I am so sorry you had to go through all of that.  Secondly, I agree with you and everyone else that I should stick with my gut and have her served without D1 as knowing the history it will trigger an outburst.  I have been documenting every conversation and situation with uBPDw since she was told I want out to best protect D1.

As many of us have seen there has been every instance of splitting, extinction bursts, blaming, accusations and then calm mixed in-between.  To say its been a rollercoaster is an understatement.  Luckily, the advice from this board and research has helped me bring the best case possible, IMO and L, to show when it comes time that her allegations are false.

I know this is going to be a while before I can comfortably reply with my ending story but for now I just want to again say THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU to everyone here!