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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: passive agressive insults.  (Read 6940 times)
Infern0
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« on: October 09, 2014, 02:55:14 PM »

How many of you went through this?

I was subtly put down constantly haha.

A lot of times she did it in sort of a funny teasing manner but sometimes it was just downright insulting.

Clothes,  hair,  being "short" (I'm 6'1" haha) weight,  smell etc. 

Oh and she'd also do things like say "I love guys with beards" when i am always clean shaven.

Just constant little digs designed to erode your confidence and self worth.

And not for a second did I consider responding with take a look at yourself love because you certainly aren't perfect.
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hurting300
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« Reply #1 on: October 09, 2014, 02:59:37 PM »

YES! Mine did this a lot. She wanted to buy me new clothes because I had no style Laugh out loud (click to insert in post). My response: you don't even have a job. It was always these little comments and it builds up.
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Flora73
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« Reply #2 on: October 09, 2014, 03:22:39 PM »

Hi inferno,

Yes I got this all the time... .I talk to much etc etc

Its all about sharing how they feel, also I found it was away of keeping me down so they felt more in control (you won't leave etc which goes back to there core wound of abandonment)

Chin up... .Im 4 months out and blacker than black... .

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Recooperating
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« Reply #3 on: October 09, 2014, 03:37:17 PM »

Cant really say passive aggresive... .

Sarcasm and loads of it! That was his thing. Always in a way that if I would comment on it he'd say I got it wrong and didnt mean it in a sarcastic way... .(Gaslighting)

And accusations... .Loads and loads... .You dont care for me, you dont love me, you love your ex more then me, your ___ing your friends, you dont want me in your life... .Bla bla bla... .

All this nonsense mostly over not responding to a text quick enough (within 1 minute).

Once he managed to send me 77 messages within an hour. Going on and on about how I wanted him to die and wouldnt even morn if he did... .When I asked him afterwards he said his reaction was totally normal, he was just expressing himself and I was too sensitive... .All his friends thought I was the one with a mental illness... .Projection and triangulation. He would also hit walls, bang his head against the wall, kick tables. I would tell him that made me uncomfortable and he again would say I was just too sensitive and he didnt do anything wrong. Better the wall then my cheek right? What the heck

These episodes occured every other day... .

Ehhh why did we put up with these ___ers? Sounds so insane once out of the FOG!
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Tom P

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« Reply #4 on: October 09, 2014, 03:40:32 PM »

Definately preaching to the converted on this one. She seemed to get a real kick out of the old put downs. Most were similar to what you guys all put up with.My height and build (yeah im only 5ft 8,and she had dated taller guys,but her BF immediately before me was only 5ft 4.And although i have a slim build i do take care of myself) My lack of dress sense (im a musician so i always tended to dress in a fairly rock fashion) that had to go, my wardrobe is now filled with clothes she chose.And i havent had the heart to dispose of them yet. I had the opposite with the shaving thing though, when she met me i was bearded (bit cobain-esque with my long blonde hair) soon i was hearing "shave please ,you look haggered" and "i wont kiss you unless you shave"etc etc. A lot of her friends took notice of these comments and its one of the main reasons some of them dont talk to her anymore. She would try to write it off as "oh its just the way i am,i dont say this whole "i love you thing,this is my way of saying i love you"

I feel sorry for her current supposed boyfriend/supply/parasitic host. The guy although smartly dressed in a suit,always wears the same thing (and i mean the same thing,same suit every day) not to mention hes not a looker.Its only a matter of time before the digs start at him and he finds his confidence being chipped away.
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Deeno02
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« Reply #5 on: October 09, 2014, 03:40:44 PM »

Yup. Been there heard that... .
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hurting300
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« Reply #6 on: October 09, 2014, 03:45:04 PM »

Cant really say passive aggresive... .

Sarcasm and loads of it! That was his thing. Always in a way that if I would comment on it he'd say I got it wrong and didnt mean it in a sarcastic way... .(Gaslighting)

And accusations... .Loads and loads... .You dont care for me, you dont love me, you love your ex more then me, your ___ing your friends, you dont want me in your life... .Bla bla bla... .

All this nonsense mostly over not responding to a text quick enough (within 1 minute).

Once he managed to send me 77 messages within an hour. Going on and on about how I wanted him to die and wouldnt even morn if he did... .When I asked him afterwards he said his reaction was totally normal, he was just expressing himself and I was too sensitive... .All his friends thought I was the one with a mental illness... .Projection and triangulation. He would also hit walls, bang his head against the wall, kick tables. I would tell him that made me uncomfortable and he again would say I was just too sensitive and he didnt do anything wrong. Better the wall then my cheek right? What the heck

These episodes occured every other day... .

Ehhh why did we put up with these ___ers? Sounds so insane once out of the FOG!

my ex said some really inappropriate things about her exes... I always thought she loved them more than me. And I brought it up...
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« Reply #7 on: October 09, 2014, 03:46:37 PM »

Shes known my replacement from college days, maybe bout 20 years or so. Hes bald as hell, not cool bald, but George Castanza bald from seinfeld. Dresses light old man. Not like me at all. But maybe hes more presentable to her snooty friends. Whatever.
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hurting300
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« Reply #8 on: October 09, 2014, 03:56:26 PM »

Shes known my replacement from college days, maybe bout 20 years or so. Hes bald as hell, not cool bald, but George Castanza bald from seinfeld. Dresses light old man. Not like me at all. But maybe hes more presentable to her snooty friends. Whatever.

lmao! Good for him Laugh out loud (click to insert in post).
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« Reply #9 on: October 09, 2014, 04:03:36 PM »

The subtle control and manipulation designed to keep me down/on edge/on a quest to improve myself seems so obvious and cruel and childish now I am clear of the FOG.  :)igs at my clothes, hair, feet?, smell, jokes, my driving, if I was ready to leave the house before her she would give me something to do and them be cross that I was then holding her up?,  laughing or aggression if I expressed sickness or pain, to my friends, family (untrustworthy), my home (she couldn't stay there as it would feel like being raped? or being forced to wear an ex-lovers underwear?), my work (I was supposedly a workaholic and cared for that more than her because I enjoy it and do a full-time job whilst she was off sick and taking her workplace, a charity, to tribunal for bullying/ victim mentality) to my personality (not strong enough, not assertive enough, a people pleaser). There is no logic to staying in a relationship where there is so much dissatisfaction. So her push and pull ran out of steam where her pull was no longer enough. I'm out with what self respect remains. Phew!
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hurting300
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« Reply #10 on: October 09, 2014, 04:09:16 PM »

The subtle control and manipulation designed to keep me down/on edge/on a quest to improve myself seems so obvious and cruel and childish now I am clear of the FOG.  :)igs at my clothes, hair, feet?, smell, jokes, my driving, if I was ready to leave the house before her she would give me something to do and them be cross that I was then holding her up?,  laughing or aggression if I expressed sickness or pain, to my friends, family (untrustworthy), my home (she couldn't stay there as it would feel like being raped? or being forced to wear an ex-lovers underwear?), my work (I was supposedly a workaholic and cared for that more than her because I enjoy it and do a full-time job whilst she was off sick and taking her workplace, a charity, to tribunal for bullying/ victim mentality) to my personality (not strong enough, not assertive enough, a people pleaser). There is no logic to staying in a relationship where there is so much dissatisfaction. So her push and pull ran out of steam where her pull was no longer enough. I'm out with what self respect remains. Phew!

sounds like my experience Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) did we date the same tall black girl?
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Spartacus

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« Reply #11 on: October 09, 2014, 04:25:58 PM »

Well she thought she looked like Angelina Jolie. I could never see that but she is a fine looking woman. That really annoyed her!
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hurting300
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« Reply #12 on: October 09, 2014, 04:29:43 PM »

Well she thought she looked like Angelina Jolie. I could never see that but she is a fine looking woman. That really annoyed her!

I'm Caucasian, and she's African American... she would bait me into race debates. Pathetic... my ex is hot i can't lie Laugh out loud (click to insert in post). And she is a sex addict.
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Waifed
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« Reply #13 on: October 09, 2014, 04:43:10 PM »

My ex was a waif and they control with PA behavior. The ironic thing was that I had controlled all my past relationships with my own PA behavior (her PA basically trumped mine and I became a love addict for the first time in my life but that's a different story Smiling (click to insert in post) ). I had a fear of abandonment and treated my partners horribly with mental and emotional abuse just like many of us have endured. I would have never become aware of my issue had I not hit rock bottom in this relationship. I've now been treated for PA and I'm very aware of myself and when it comes up I refocus and make better decisions.  It's pretty simple if you are aware. I am still dealing with engulfment issues.

Because I have lived my entire life with PA and abandonment/engulfment issues I think I can relate to how she felt at times during the relationship. I always carried a mask of indifference. I acted like I could take or leave my partner and it kept them hooked. If they left I would have been devastated but they would have never known it. I was left once and ironically I wanted out of the relationship before she left me. I was crushed when she left and it took me a long time to get over her. All the other times I left and because of the way I treated them they were crazy for a long time. I didn't realize exactly what I was doing but I knew I was in control.

Because engulfment seems to tie to PA I will say that if a pwBPD traits feels similar to the way I felt when a partner became needy and clingy I lost respect for them and began to really resent them. When this happened I would literally feel trapped and saw no future for myself especially with this person. It got worse and worse the longer it went on. I had to escape but I didn't want to be the bad guy so I would set them up to make them angry at me. I was hoping that they would leave but if not I would not feel so bad if I left them since they were angry. Basically I turned it around on them and in my mind I was leaving because they were crazy or whatever.  They usually were crazy after I put them through the ringer. A lot of my actions were subconscious. I am not borderline so I didn't have the swings back and forth from abandonment to engulfment, and I don't jump from relationship to relationship (and I would never settle for someone because I had to be with someone) but I think I can somewhat relate as to how she felt when she was engulfed and why she used PA behavior.

I am not proud of my past behavior and i am so thankful that I have improved myself and become a better person. I have to reiterate that I would have never become aware of my faults if I had not hit rock bottom.  PA behavior is disgusting to me now.
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hurting300
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« Reply #14 on: October 09, 2014, 04:53:19 PM »

I won't lie i had anger problems with mine towards the end. I had enough of the lies and bull. My therapist said my actions were completely normal under the circumstances. After all, no one likes being insulted or lied to. It's like poking an old dog, that nice dog once poked to many times will bite eventually.
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brokenbutalive
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« Reply #15 on: October 09, 2014, 05:01:26 PM »

Yeah I had so much of this. All the same stuff as had been mentioned, I swear these people must have their own schools where they learn the same crap. Nothing about me was good enough. My personality, I wasn't assertive enough, my balding head, my smell, I had ugly ears, my jokes weren't funny, I was the stupidest person she ever met, my driving, my dancing, my taste in music, my clothes, I wasn't muscular enough which she insisted meant I wasn't a proper man, I was the most annoying person she knew, I was no good at my job, I was tight with money (even though I paid for everything)... .just everything about me offended her. I was left a brittle and hollow shell at the end of it all.
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hurting300
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« Reply #16 on: October 09, 2014, 05:05:06 PM »

Yeah I had so much of this. All the same stuff as had been mentioned, I swear these people must have their own schools where they learn the same crap. Nothing about me was good enough. My personality, I wasn't assertive enough, my balding head, my smell, I had ugly ears, my jokes weren't funny, I was the stupidest person she ever met, my driving, my dancing, my taste in music, my clothes, I wasn't muscular enough which she insisted meant I wasn't a proper man, I was the most annoying person she knew, I was no good at my job, I was tight with money (even though I paid for everything)... .just everything about me offended her. I was left a brittle and hollow shell at the end of it all.

Gosh man I'm so sorry... like I said mine did all this too... .They must have a school to learn all this s***
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« Reply #17 on: October 09, 2014, 05:26:07 PM »

Interesting thread.  My ex picked at me, made me feel like I was always irritating him, could never do anything right.  But honestly I can't really remember what he did to make me feel this way.  It was all so very subtle!  And confusing!  He wasn't one to outwardly rage very often, his tactics were subtle threats and silent treatment.  He never called me names, he wouldn't put my appearance down in any way.  It was all so hard to put my finger on, the FOG was thick!  I felt wretched, always anxious, wondering what was wrong with me... .I couldn't recognise the abuse, he was very manipulative and good at it!

I am not proud of my past behavior and i am so thankful that I have improved myself and become a better person. I have to reiterate that I would have never become aware of my faults if I had not hit rock bottom.  PA behavior is disgusting to me now.

Waifed, thank you for sharing that, it gives me insight into some other r/ss I've been in and I also think I am capable of some PA as well.  Although not intentional but as a defense mechanism for sure.  I grew up with the queen of PA, my mother!  So I recognise it, hate it and am guilty of using it at times.  And you are right, without the pain of this r/s which I consider hitting rock bottom as well, I wouldn't have opened my eyes to all of this I don't think.
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« Reply #18 on: October 09, 2014, 06:41:12 PM »

My ex always used to tell me she treated other people the way she wanted to be treated. 

And i realized she was right about that.

Essentially she wanted to be treated passive aggressively teased and controlled.

For a while it was sort of a fun game teasing each other over trivial things. 

She was playing to win though.  It was really lose lose.

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Bak86
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« Reply #19 on: October 10, 2014, 11:01:34 AM »

Oh yeah too many to mention:

- I couldn't run, because that would make me skinny

- I reminded her of our 3 month anniversary, she said i sounded like a woman

- My butt had too much bone

- When we would play fight, she would always try to dominate me and hurt me in the process, called me a whimp.

Yeah nice woman  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
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ldeora

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« Reply #20 on: October 10, 2014, 12:55:59 PM »

You guys are kidding me, right? I'm not very active here because I'm more into reading than writing but this thread kills me. I can identify with EVERY response so far! She criticized my hair, because she preferes balding guys (I look more like the twin brother of Dave Grohl and in the beginning, she said she fell in love with me instantly because of my style). Another member here stated that she "forced" him to wear the "underwear" of her ex. Same here, but she tricked me to do so. How? She said my shirt was dirty (not at all) and she would give me one of her old shirts. We went out and in the middle of the night she told me that it's not actually one of her shirts but one of her ex lovers. Remember the thread about "the (evil, sardistic) smirk"? That's what I saw when she told me the truth. I didn't want to make a scene at this point, but I was pissed, because she would - of course - be if it would be the other way around. Brings me back to another thread where somebody was wondering if those hurtful actions are planned or spontaneous. They are planned, intentional, believe me.

(English is my second language)
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« Reply #21 on: October 10, 2014, 01:00:29 PM »

Yea lots of this in my relationship with my BPDxh.  Negative comments about my body, followed by 'I love you anyway'.  He told me that even though most men don't like overwight women, he loved my curves.  Often told that no other man would want me because I had kids.  There are many more examples but generally comments designed to chip away at my self esteem and make me feel bad about myself.  He also tried to make me believe that he was the best offer I was going to get.

Funny, I've been turning down better men than him since we split up.
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Gimme Peace
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« Reply #22 on: October 10, 2014, 01:22:00 PM »

Some familiar phrases: 

"You're lucky that don't have someone who mistreats you, a lot of women do."(when I wanted to discuss a decision he made, he refused to talk and said this)

"You really like "that outfit"(fill in the blank) don't you?" (wore it twice in a month, a conservative, not a sexy outfit but fashionable and I loved the skirt). This is his hallmark PA insult. 

"I understand why you don't give me your best." (in reference to him being bored one afternoon because I wanted to relax).

"I really wouldn't want to hike with a younger woman, I wouldn't be able to keep up. You're perfect for me."

(that was about 3 miles into an 8 mile hike and I wanted to turn around and go back).

"I think any man would react to you like I do. I'm just a normal guy".

"I'm a good guy and young women know this. But you've got me so you're the winner". 

"It doesn't matter what I want. I've got you".





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brokenbutalive
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« Reply #23 on: October 10, 2014, 02:27:03 PM »

She criticized my hair, because she preferes balding guys

Can I have her number?  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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hurting300
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« Reply #24 on: October 10, 2014, 03:00:38 PM »

Guys this thread has really opened my eyes. They are all the same.
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« Reply #25 on: October 10, 2014, 03:01:19 PM »

My ex uBPD gf almost never criticised me personally during our relationship--which isn't to say she wasn't a drama queen. An incredibly needy person, most of her jabs while dating regarded the amount of love, time, and attention I gave her. But after the relationship was over, added to my supposed lack of attention and support I was apparently angry, negative towards her, and overall just an unhappy and physically threatening person--to others, not her-- in general. Of course her six week on-again/off again affair, almost weekly break ups and recycles, broken promises, and outright lies had nothing to do with it. When I enrolled in a three-and-a-half week partial hospitalization program to battle depression following her first devaluation and discard for my replacement, it was because I was "manipulative."

Perhaps my idealization stage lasted nearly to the end of our relationship, because I was treated fairly well. But the last five or six weeks, after my replacement came along, I could do nothing right. Too old for her, too boring, too uptight. And too insecure, which of course had nothing to do with her horrible treatment of me. How she could tell me these things while continuing to run around behind my back--while still claiming to love and adore me--I will never understand.
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« Reply #26 on: October 10, 2014, 03:09:49 PM »

Wow, I forgot this one:

"Five guys totally flirted with me today. That's the great thing about having an affair--your self confidence goes up." 

~Statement by my ex after she had supposedly ended her affair with my married replacement. When I protested, I was told I was "too sensitive" to not understand she was "joking."
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maternal
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« Reply #27 on: October 10, 2014, 03:13:38 PM »

Constantly and always.  He would always "tease" me, but could get pretty mean about it at times.

He said it was in the boyfriend handbook.  Boyfriends are supposed to tease... .
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« Reply #28 on: October 10, 2014, 04:22:35 PM »

Mine did a fair bit if this after the split,when she was still pretending to want to fix it...

After she took glee in telling me she was 'involved with someone who makes me feel special' she said, 'Of course,mi suppose you haven't had that many partners so of of course he makes me feel good... '

This, from a woman so sexually inexperienced ( with men) when I met her that I almost gave up!

Much like a vampire... I was her 'maker' Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #29 on: October 10, 2014, 04:47:26 PM »

Does anyone want to expand on the non verbal aspect of it?

Durring the devaluing it felt like the rug had been pulled out from underneath and she dissapeared into the depths and I was clinging to side of a cliff and she would come along and do 1 little piggy 2 little piggy with my fingers

I remember so much of it had to do with timing and a look of disgust/disapproval. Or just being constantly annoyed with everything I would do. A bunch of well placed sighs.

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