Mirroring, Idealization: a bittersweet realization.

[Depression = 72% of members]

The thing that drew me in to my r/s with my pwBPD was the intensity of the honeymoon phase.  It was surreal the level of connection I felt.  Now the more I read, I realize that this is a halmark of BPD behavior.  The deep intimacy was a result of my pwBPD mirroring me.

  Here is a silver linning I have dug out.  If the mirroring was so good and it was a reflection, then that shows the strength and sincerity of my own heart.  I can at least look back and know that I have something great in me to share in a healthy relationship.

  So much of my self esteem has been eroded during my BPD experience.  Little things like this are how I rebuild myself.  I hope that this thought might help others do the same.

[ReluctantSurvivor]

The thing that drew me in to my r/s with my pwBPD was the intensity of the honeymoon phase.  It was surreal the level of connection I felt.  Now the more I read, I realize that this is a halmark of BPD behavior.  The deep intimacy was a result of my pwBPD mirroring me.

  Here is a silver linning I have dug out.  If the mirroring was so good and it was a reflection, then that shows the strength and sincerity of my own heart.  I can at least look back and know that I have something great in me to share in a healthy relationship.

  So much of my self esteem has been eroded during my BPD experience.  Little things like this are how I rebuild myself.  I hope that this thought might help others do the same.

[bungenstein]

We are great people, thats why they target us for the relationships, and they keep the not so great one's, as back ups/orbiters, if you are going to latch onto someone and attempt to consume them, they better be worth consuming.

[Compassion14]

I thought the same thing today. Totally agree. Take strength from the goodness that shines out in us, so bright it attracted others.  We are good people and deserving of real intimacy.

[Blimblam]

We are great people, thats why they target us for the relationships, and they keep the not so great one's, as back ups/orbiters, if you are going to latch onto someone and attempt to consume them, they better be worth consuming.

How does this story make you feel?

[Blimblam]

"I am human and I want to belong just like everybody else does" -the smiths

[ReluctantSurvivor]

We are great people, thats why they target us for the relationships, and they keep the not so great one's, as back ups/orbiters, if you are going to latch onto someone and attempt to consume them, they better be worth consuming.

How does this story make you feel?

That thought makes me feel good about myself.  I spent the better part of two years feeling rejected and lost.  The initial lovebombing was so intense that I stopped self validating.  As the devaluation rolled in the breadcrumbs became increasingly sparse I became vacant.

 Taking a moment to pat myself on the back is a beautiful thing.

[bungenstein]

We are great people, thats why they target us for the relationships, and they keep the not so great one's, as back ups/orbiters, if you are going to latch onto someone and attempt to consume them, they better be worth consuming.

How does this story make you feel?

What?

[Blimblam]

We are great people, thats why they target us for the relationships, and they keep the not so great one's, as back ups/orbiters, if you are going to latch onto someone and attempt to consume them, they better be worth consuming.

How does this story make you feel?

That thought makes me feel good about myself.  I spent the better part of two years feeling rejected and lost.  The initial lovebombing was so intense that I stopped self validating.  As the devaluation rolled in the breadcrumbs became increasingly sparse I became vacant.

 Taking a moment to pat myself on the back is a beautiful thing.

In sorry you lost yourself. I did too. I heard somewhere before you have to lose yourself to find yourself.

[tim_tom]

glad you can see the good in it...  I hate it, cause nothing else will compare

[Blimblam]

We are great people, thats why they target us for the relationships, and they keep the not so great one's, as back ups/orbiters, if you are going to latch onto someone and attempt to consume them, they better be worth consuming.

How does this story make you feel?

What?

We are all story tellers.  Telling ourself stories to make sense of the chaos. Trying to find stable ground on shifting sands.  

[bungenstein]

We are great people, thats why they target us for the relationships, and they keep the not so great one's, as back ups/orbiters, if you are going to latch onto someone and attempt to consume them, they better be worth consuming.

How does this story make you feel?

What?

We are all story tellers.  Telling ourself stories to make sense of the chaos. Trying to find stable ground on shifting sands.  

Its not a story, its true, and its not trying to make sense of anything, I am simply stating we are great, loving, kind people, are you trying to make out I'm fabricating make believe in order to make myself feel better?

[Blimblam]

We are great people, thats why they target us for the relationships, and they keep the not so great one's, as back ups/orbiters, if you are going to latch onto someone and attempt to consume them, they better be worth consuming.

How does this story make you feel?

What?

We are all story tellers.  Telling ourself stories to make sense of the chaos. Trying to find stable ground on shifting sands.  

Its not a story, its true, and its not trying to make sense of anything, I am simply stating we are great, loving, kind people, are you trying to make out I'm fabricating make believe in order to make myself feel better?

I am saying we all are.

[bungenstein]

So you think we are not great, loving, and kind people.

Maybe you should keep that to yourself. Not only do I totally disagree with you, I'm left wondering what you are trying to achieve with such a cynical and offensive response in a forum created for people to help one another?

[Chasing_Ghosts]

We are great people, thats why they target us for the relationships, and they keep the not so great one's, as back ups/orbiters, if you are going to latch onto someone and attempt to consume them, they better be worth consuming.

How does this story make you feel?

What?

We are all story tellers.  Telling ourself stories to make sense of the chaos. Trying to find stable ground on shifting sands. 

Its not a story, its true, and its not trying to make sense of anything, I am simply stating we are great, loving, kind people, are you trying to make out I'm fabricating make believe in order to make myself feel better?

I am saying we all are.

Blimblam isnt trying to be cynical or offensive he speaks truth in his words and obviously youre not in the stage of your healing to recognize this. Which is ok maybe with time you will understand this wisdom as you peer deeper into the depths. We all have our roles in this and we must accept the responsibility of what we have let befallen unto us.

[bungenstein]

We are great people, thats why they target us for the relationships, and they keep the not so great one's, as back ups/orbiters, if you are going to latch onto someone and attempt to consume them, they better be worth consuming.

How does this story make you feel?

What?

We are all story tellers.  Telling ourself stories to make sense of the chaos. Trying to find stable ground on shifting sands.  

Its not a story, its true, and its not trying to make sense of anything, I am simply stating we are great, loving, kind people, are you trying to make out I'm fabricating make believe in order to make myself feel better?

I am saying we all are.

Blimblam isnt trying to be cynical or offensive he speaks truth in his words and obviously youre not in the stage of your healing to recognize this. Which is ok maybe with time you will understand this wisdom as you peer deeper into the depths. We all have our roles in this and we must accept the responsibility of what we have let befallen unto us.

I read a post from the revered member 2010 who stated that Borderlines mirror and consume the identity of people and are then triggered heavily by them precisely because they were so lovable and precisely because they wanted those traits for themselves, exactly what I am saying.

I do not believe that to be a 'story' at all.

[maric]

I had read about this member 2010 a lot. How can I read his posts?

[Chasing_Ghosts]

We are great people, thats why they target us for the relationships, and they keep the not so great one's, as back ups/orbiters, if you are going to latch onto someone and attempt to consume them, they better be worth consuming.

How does this story make you feel?

What?

We are all story tellers.  Telling ourself stories to make sense of the chaos. Trying to find stable ground on shifting sands.  

Its not a story, its true, and its not trying to make sense of anything, I am simply stating we are great, loving, kind people, are you trying to make out I'm fabricating make believe in order to make myself feel better?

I am saying we all are.

Blimblam isnt trying to be cynical or offensive he speaks truth in his words and obviously youre not in the stage of your healing to recognize this. Which is ok maybe with time you will understand this wisdom as you peer deeper into the depths. We all have our roles in this and we must accept the responsibility of what we have let befallen unto us.

I read a post from the revered member 2010 who stated that Borderlines mirror and consume the identity of people and are then triggered heavily by them precisely because they were so lovable and precisely because they wanted those traits for themselves, exactly what I am saying.

I do not believe that to be a 'story' at all.

I understand the concept your stating and in no way disagree but do all of these "lovable" or our light attributes completely make up who we are. No. We have our dark too and the balance of both is what makes us whole and by focusing only on the positive aspect of yourself in this situation you will not further center yourself within.

The storys we tell are our truths but when we get past our truth and see the truth from both sides is the only time we can truly heal and piece together the broken.

 

[Blimblam]

We are great people, thats why they target us for the relationships, and they keep the not so great one's, as back ups/orbiters, if you are going to latch onto someone and attempt to consume them, they better be worth consuming.

How does this story make you feel?

What?

We are all story tellers.  Telling ourself stories to make sense of the chaos. Trying to find stable ground on shifting sands.  

Its not a story, its true, and its not trying to make sense of anything, I am simply stating we are great, loving, kind people, are you trying to make out I'm fabricating make believe in order to make myself feel better?

I am saying we all are.

I think I took the wrong approach in this I am sorry. Please understand what I mean to convey is that the pain we feels so personal that we relate it to how we view ourselves which in turn becomes a story about what happened because we have been conditioned in these relationships to not trust our guts. 

What I have found is along the way in my healing journey is the story I told myself to make sense if what happened constantly changed.  The more I clung to my story the more stuck I became.

[drummerboy]

This makes a lot of sense. My ex was always admiring things about me, how I could whip up a meal, how I could get things done, (just normal stuff like making a shopping list and then going to the store) how I could make a quick decision etc. She could sit around worrying about the ins and outs of anything but not actually doing anything. She used to often say "I wish I could just make decisions and do stuff like you can" We were once looking for somewhere to eat and there were 3 cafes, she studied the menus at each place, this was taking 20 minutes, I said, "this is the one" we went in, I ordered in a minute, she let me order for her, she said something like "How do you make good decisions so quickly, I wish I could do that"[/quote]
[/quote]
I read a post from the revered member 2010 who stated that Borderlines mirror and consume the identity of people and are then triggered heavily by them precisely because they were so lovable and precisely because they wanted those traits for themselves, exactly what I am saying.

I do not believe that to be a 'story' at all.[/quote]

[bungenstein]

We are great people, thats why they target us for the relationships, and they keep the not so great one's, as back ups/orbiters, if you are going to latch onto someone and attempt to consume them, they better be worth consuming.

How does this story make you feel?

What?

We are all story tellers.  Telling ourself stories to make sense of the chaos. Trying to find stable ground on shifting sands.  

Its not a story, its true, and its not trying to make sense of anything, I am simply stating we are great, loving, kind people, are you trying to make out I'm fabricating make believe in order to make myself feel better?

I am saying we all are.

I think I took the wrong approach in this I am sorry. Please understand what I mean to convey is that the pain we feels so personal that we relate it to how we view ourselves which in turn becomes a story about what happened because we have been conditioned in these relationships to not trust our guts. 

What I have found is along the way in my healing journey is the story I told myself to make sense if what happened constantly changed.  The more I clung to my story the more stuck I became.

No worries, but that is your personal situation, its not the same for everyone, I believe what I said to be a universal truth when it comes to BPD relationships.

[Fluff]

If i remember correctly, 2010 claim they mirror our false selves (that we project on to them). Confusing theories... .

ReluctantSurvivor, what did this mirroring look like in your r/s? I'm trying to see it in mine but it's hard. It must be deeper than the pwBPD changing their taste for music, clothes and superficial stuff like that. No?

(2010's posts: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?action=profile;u=38193;sa=showPosts)

[maric]

Thanks Fluff!

[Fluff]

!¤%/&# It took me weeks to read all of 2010's posts and now I might just have to read them again. 

I'll read the latest ones... .it's good stuff.

[ReluctantSurvivor]

If i remember correctly, 2010 claim they mirror our false selves (that we project on to them). Confusing theories... .

ReluctantSurvivor, what did this mirroring look like in your r/s? I'm trying to see it in mine but it's hard. It must be deeper than the pwBPD changing their taste for music, clothes and superficial stuff like that. No?

(2010's posts: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?action=profile;u=38193;sa=showPosts)

It was a long time ago I'll tell you what I remember.  We first started talking over facebook and text for 6 weeks before she drove 6 hours to see me.  We had similar circle of friends years before when she still lived near me, hence to facebook but we were only aquaintances.

  Looking back I think she was molding herself to appeal to me before we met in the real world.  She pushed every button in all the right places.  She was in my bed within 4 hours (I know, red flag... .).  We spent the weekend together seeing the city, her holding my hand, making perfect connections.  It was flawless.  At the time I just thought I had hit the lottery.

Now, as she left me I watched her first lose her identity (I was split black and she had no new source).  She resorted to anorexia, silence, excesive partying and substance abuse.  She was so desperate for something to idealize that she was telling people she was moving to Australia (she had met australians on snapchat).  This chaos continued until about 5 weeks later when she found a new mark.

  Upon finding a new target she began to morph, liking music and clubs that only a month before she hated.  Hell she had spent 10 months being the competition to these places in business, hosting events that were a polar opposite.  I don't recognize her.  Lots of mutual friends have said the same thing but there aren't many.  She keeps most of her friends very distant and rotates her time around them so that few spend enough time around her to see the cracks.

When I met her she was a single mom with a two year old trying to flee a violent home.  That part was real.  However something snapped along the way.  I think I saw her true self before the break up when her starvation and silence began.  She had the most viscious, wicked look in her eyes.  When she finally went ballistic on me she was yelling at me while crying.  I felt like it was a child yelling at her parent.  Then once she had pushed me far away she regressed back to her party girl days.  She went from 31 to 21 in a flash.

  Since finding a new source to mirror she is slightly less chaotic which is a relief.  She was so out of control that I hid away all the ammunition in the house for fear she might check out.  Anyway, I don't know who the hell she it.  We are able to handle what little business we have left (riding out a lease intil Jan).  She stays gone but still honors her financial obligations.  It is odd but she is not the typical BPD horror story.  She is more of a woman that self destructs like clockwork but part of her tries very hard to still be decent.  I will add that she was a great mother but gaining custody while being in another state failed.  Her only option was to move back to a county where she had no job and where two family members of her son's father have assaulted her.  Just a big confusing sh't sandwich.

[Fluff]

Thanks ReluctantSurvivor.

Hm. I just don't think there were any mirroring in our interaction. One of the things she said in idealization was "What I like about you the most is you don't try to be someone". Maybe there just wasn't anything in me for her to mirror. Or maybe "Not trying to be someone" is my false front... . IF she couldn't mirror because I lack a self maybe there's more to what my T said in our first session: "Are you sure you're not borderline your self? "

No. I try to be someone, like everybody else. She just couldn't figure me out.