UN-FREAKIN-BELIEVABLE: help please

[Loveofhislife]

Well--I am now an official member of the club. For months I've been reading here all of the harrowing stories about why they abandon us, and I remained in a reverie that I was getting ST for something I had done. My last post was asking for suggestions for how to tell exbfBPD that 10 weeks later, I needed to assume the r/s was over.

WHAT A POLLYANA I AM! I was feeling so bad to be meeting the "love of my life" from high school for the weekend. I wrote exbfBPD and received NO RESPONSE until my son in law saw him on the road and waved, when exbf all but freaked out and started texting me as if I was having him followed. Threatening texts followed after exbf learned I had taken financial rememdies as advised by legal counsel. My son said he looked "very different."

I was walked out on August 1 after reminding him he had comitted to repaying me a large amount of money. No huge fight; no break up: he left my house; went radio silent; never paid me; and never said he was moving or changing jobs. He was GONE BOY, after a year of my taking care of his every need after being released from prison (something I did not know when we met and began dating).

NEWSFLASH--today my best girlfriend found him on a dating site where he has been (presumably) since he suddenly left me on August 1 (maybe before)--with no explanation, etc.

In his profile pictures, he is wearing all clothes that I bought him, and his self desription sounds like me instead of him--looking for a fresh start, values honesty in relationships, etc.

I AM REELING! I wrote days ago that I regretted the way our relationship ended and apologized for anything I might have said or done!

[FoolishMan]

Well--I am now an official member of the club. For months I've been reading here all of the harrowing stories about why they abandon us, and I remained in a reverie that I was getting ST for something I had done. My last post was asking for suggestions for how to tell exbfBPD that 10 weeks later, I needed to assume the r/s was over.

WHAT A POLLYANA I AM! I was feeling so bad to be meeting the "love of my life" from high school for the weekend. I wrote exbfBPD and received NO RESPONSE until my son in law saw him on the road and waved, when exbf all but freaked out and started texting me as if I was having him followed. Threatening texts followed after exbf learned I had taken financial rememdies as advised by legal counsel. My son said he looked "very different."

I was walked out on August 1 after reminding him he had comitted to repaying me a large amount of money. No huge fight; no break up: he left my house; went radio silent; never paid me; and never said he was moving or changing jobs. He was GONE BOY, after a year of my taking care of his every need after being released from prison (something I did not know when we met and began dating).

NEWSFLASH--today my best girlfriend found him on a dating site where he has been (presumably) since he suddenly left me on August 1 (maybe before)--with no explanation, etc.

In his profile pictures, he is wearing all clothes that I bought him, and his self desription sounds like me instead of him--looking for a fresh start, values honesty in relationships, etc.

I AM REELING! I wrote days ago that I regretted the way our relationship ended and apologized for anything I might have said or done!

I am very sorry this has happened. He's obviously very sick and not worth being involved with. He won't change, for you or anyone else except on the surface. You seemed to be moving on anyway. How does this change things? He's got BPD remember, he's not going to ever be honest with you. Him being on a dating site while he's apart from you is par for the course. I do more reading than posting and it seems crystal clear that it doesn't matter what u do or say, how much you love, help or enable them, they still treat you like garbage.

You've now got incontrovertible evidence he's not worth being in a relationship with. You don't have to torture yourself anymore. Go on a date with someone else. Spend quality time with your family. The convicted felon who deceived you is gone. Be glad. I had to lie to my exe to get rid of her, so she wouldn't take me back or try to ensnare me so I know how tough this will be for you. But it's for the best you know that.

Take care tonight, you will be feeling much better and safer soon with him out of your life.

[Nicolai]

Welcome to the club! Typical BPD... And if I might add, quite a give away! No healthy persons act this way. I can understand you have won regrets, we all have. No one is perfect... But here is the sad fact of these relationships. We where with children in adult bodies. It is sad, but true. Don't let the guilt suffocating you. It is an easy way to put yourself down. But if you think really hard on it, you might just realise that their was some manipulation, emotioal abuse and control from your partner.  That is why they can throw us away so fast. We are their toy. A plaything they will return to if they don't find any other toys. This is why we most be able to say no if they come back. We are humans, and we do not deserve this treatments. My ex haven't said if she dumped me or not. But her actions was pretty clear. And with these people words don't matter. Only action speaks of their character. So try taking away his words, and see only what he has choosed during this relationship. Do you see a complete different man now? That's how they are... They want us to be confused, it empowers them. What I like to think is that we actually never was in a relationship. We lived with them, and was intimately involved with them. But we never was in a true relationship. They didn't love us, they mirrored us. They didn't cared for us in the relationship works. And they don't end it in a healthy and kind way. They lacked everything. The whole relationship is an illusion. So don't think of him as your ex. He is a complete stranger that has been doing roleplaying for you at the beginning. The man you loved didn't exist, so the relationship didn't exist either. We where fooled, and we will learn from it. And we are better then them in every way. So be proud that you still have empathy towards him. It shows us that you are the healthy one. It is a sign of your humanity.

[Loveofhislife]

Nicolai and Foolish--THANK YOU SO MUCH; I am in so much pain and shame. Thank you for being here.

[fromheeltoheal]

his self desription sounds like me instead of him--looking for a fresh start, values honesty in relationships, etc.

That is telling.  Remember borderlines don't have a stable sense of self and are emotionally underdeveloped, so they assimilate and parrot what they hear adults say, hoping to make it their own, the same motivation as mirroring.  At least let yourself know he admired you enough to use your stuff as his.  Also, someone who is emotionally underdeveloped is incapable of perceiving and connecting with how an adult feels, they're aren't mean or cold, although it may seem that way, they simply aren't capable.

So that's him.  What are you going to do now to take care of yourself?

[Loveofhislife]

HTH--I constantly am a work in process--I feel so hurt right now: I have dealt with two parents with Alzheimer's related dementias, a sister with BPD, and a lot of narcissism. I cannot believe I bought into this world of hurt. ExbfBPD has betrayed me on every level. Thank you for your wisdom.

[FoolishMan]

Nicolai and Foolish--THANK YOU SO MUCH; I am in so much pain and shame. Thank you for being here.

The pain goes away after some months of complete NC. No FB no emails no items no hopes or dreams. It's so hard at first but as you feel stronger it gets better. It's been over 8 months now 7 NC on my behalf anyway. I've seen her a lot recently and have started to ruminate over how she felt, and how she smelt etc but as good as all of these things about her were, the distrust, lies, manipulations, fantasies, crazy dreams she had, up and down emotions. It was hell mostly. I almost willed her to be a good person, trustworthy and how she promised the world, she's never lied or cheated ever I've found out this is complete nonsense she's been through friends and boyfriends like a piraña fish.  She's bad news just like your ex.

I've used what I've read on this site to show myself what a future would have been like. You know, bending over backwards constantly to please and placate them. Spending fortunes only to have it thrown in your face. Sacrificing friends and family to please them, to find out you've been lied to and cheated on. That's what I found overwhelming, the sad and nitemarish stories on the staying and undecided boards. I've had plenty of healthy happy relationships that have ended amicably. I can have them again. So can you.

We both fell for Oscar winning performances. Others will fall for it too and be left feeling as we were. I'm just sad that he owes you money. That's going to tie you too him a bit and stop the pain from lifting. You might have to take a loss and instruct a legal process so you can stay NC. I hope you can take heart in the fact that you tried and he failed. That's nothing to be ashamed of. Be good to yourself today. :-)

[fromheeltoheal]

Wow Love, you've got a lot going on.

I cannot believe I bought into this world of hurt.

I got together with my ex when I was lonely, socially isolated and dealing with the death of a parent.  When we're under stress like that we're more susceptible to people who come at us in a 'too good to be true' way, and looking back at it now, I don't think I would have gotten beyond the second date with her if my feet were better on the ground.  So what's the lesson?  Be very careful when we're stressed, using the experience we just got, make decisions about who we want to get close to when our feet are more on the ground, and cut ourselves some slack for making a decision under stress that didn't work out.  Take care of you!

[peiper]

HTH--I constantly am a work in process--I feel so hurt right now: I have dealt with two parents with Alzheimer's related dementias, a sister with BPD, and a lot of narcissism. I cannot believe I bought into this world of hurt. ExbfBPD has betrayed me on every level. Thank you for your wisdom.

I can so relate to your story

[myself]

I am in so much pain and shame.

Sorry for your pain. Why are you feeling shame? Want to talk about it?

[Loveofhislife]

I DO want to talk about this--it's just inconceivable at this point.

[Pingo]

Loveofhislife, I can totally relate to the shock you are in.  I remember crying my heart out in such grief and guilt after our BU, worrying about him, wondering if I had made the right choice, wondering if it wasn't me with the real problem, missing him... .so much doubt and guilt about how things ended.  Then I found out he had lived with his exgf after our first BU and came back to me 2 mths later and never told me (and we were married!), then went to her again after our second (last) BU.  I found out he had been lying about a bunch of stuff!  It was his brother's wife that filled me in.  I was sick with rage, how could I have been such a fool?  How could I have loved him so much, a man capable of lies and betrayal?  It made me question everything!  I called him on it but was met with denial, projection.  I wanted him to suffer like I was and had thoughts of vengeance.

But I am here to tell you that it's been a few months since then and the shock wears off and as you move through the grief of seeing it for what it really was things get brighter.  The FOG lifts.  He will start to fade from your thoughts.  His memory won't be a constant intrusion.  Allow the anger, sit with the pain.  Each day gets a little easier.  As everyone here preaches, NC is the only answer for us to have peace.

[maternal]

That sucks.  And I know from experience how rough it is to find your not-quite-ex on a dating site... .I've been there.

Don't feel shame about it.  There is absolutely NOTHING you could have done or said for that man that would have made any difference.  It's a tough pill to swallow, but he won't ever change, and you're likely not the first person he's done this with and won't be the last.  I know what it's like to feel like "it won't happen to me," because I felt that way for quite some time myself. But it will never change.  If it's not you, it'll be the next one... and the next one after that... .and the next one after that.  Don't beat yourself up.

[Loveofhislife]

I can't stop crying; thank you AJ

[peiper]

I can't stop crying; thank you AJ

Im the same place you are except I cant cry. Its amazing how these people treat the ones the love, or loved.

[Caredverymuch]

I can't stop crying; thank you AJ

LOHL, you got  it right in the title of your post.  So much about this experience is indeed unbelievable.

Until it isn't.

Until we have to really succumb to the fact this is a serious mental illness.  That deeply effects those in an  interpersonal relationship with pBPD.

Weekends are still very hard for me. Yesterday I was ruminating and remembering the beautiful moments of the many weekend traditions I shared w my ex. I sat by a lake that we sat by very often and shared a great deal of just about everything there. 

I sat there alone knowing that my ex rarely goes there now and if he did, he would not remember the fondness of me or our moments shared there.  More likely, this is why he rarely goes there.

As I was was looking at the water and recalling so much, as tears easily flowed,  I thought: WHO DOES THIS? Who brings someone soo deeply into their life, opens wide up, draws you all the way in. Envelopes you in love and need and reliance and places such tremendous value on this very special bond.  Forms traditions in places that bcome " just ours", relies on you for their every breathe it seems.

Then... .Just walks away.  Runs away.  Completely cuts you out of their life. And just moves right on as if none of the very deep, very consuming, very real r/s even took place.  Leaves you in a place of such tremendous pain. Never checks back in to see if the very person who responded to their every emotional pain, their every need, was present  in such genuine love for them.  That very true person. That very real, loving person. Who only loved. Is left like this. 

WHO DOES THIS? A person with BPD.

You are realing in the pain those of us here have experienced. Being left as you were. Being consumed as you were.  Being relied on and placed in such place of value. Giving all of your caring, your  concern, and your good to someone who required that of you. While still holding onto hope that somehow this might all reverse itself back to a place of good.

When I was in that place, and actually saw my ex w his replacement, it was perhaps the harshest blow of the entire experience.  I NEVER thought he was capable of that.  Never. It truly hit me in the gut. And I was deep into the learning of the d/o but that moment defined it all to me. I recall pulling over after passing them, feeling faint and like I was going to be ill.  And telling myself there was no longer any doubt of what my r/s was with him. To him.

And no longer any realistic hope left.

I was used and eroded to the core. Discarded and replaced. Never checked in on. Asked about. Apologized to. Thrown away and erased. Replaced. 

We are here for you.  I hope you are feeling better today.  Take care of you now.

[Deeno02]

Caredverymuch,

I messaged you an opinion. Hope you dont mind