Scared of pwBPD

[Lucky One]

I've just completed the Workshop on :

Dealing with Enmeshment & Co-Dependence and

a huge previous discussion on this site (2010) on the subject. 

All in all about 80 pages.

I've just realised after 32 years of marriage, 38 year relationship, that I'm SCARED of uBPDw, her rages, anger, threats, nastiness and intimidation, and etc. She's half my size. If she tried anything physical (violence) I could swat her like a fly! But she doesn't do that. It's all FOG, and isolation.

So WHY do I feel like this? Scared. And what to do?

I've determined from the above study, that I've definitely got many, and very  strong, co-dependent traits.

Is this a mental illness. If so, HOW can it be treated?

If you've experienced this, please let me know.

[anxiety5]

It's important to know that you are the victim. Don't beat yourself up about that. Be happy that you are doing the work now, and I congratulate you on that. You are already changing for the better. How many times did you avoid confrontation in order to keep the peace? Now here you are reading, educating yourself, introspectively looking at yourself and being accountable. This is about as confrontational as a person can be, and you should feel good about that. It proves you possess everything you need to break from the fog. Keep educating yourself. It's the biggest and best thing you can do.

I'm also a codependent. It can be treated through awareness, identification of the source, patterns, what you gain from it, why you became that way, etc. You may need therapist to help with that. I figured it out myself. Only realized it when two long term relationships went the exact same way. I was cheated on, and did not leave, along with a host of other behaviors. I'm a rescuer, a care taker and a fixer. Psychologically I had a great childhood. I identify with it's origin in the fact that one of my parents (to this day) is completely selfless and does everything for everyone around him. I learned early in life that's what love is. It's unconditional. It's selfless. He never wanted anything. ":)on't waste your money on me" He would say for christmas or birthdays. My attempts to pay him back or do something for him were always thwarted in this way. And as such, over time it made me feel guilt and shame always receiving someone's unconditional help with no way to pay them back. As it developed to modern day, I don't feel comfortable getting gifts or favors. I'm not comfortable receiving things because the person I grew up emulating gave, did not take. I learned that is what you do. He is a dynamic person, who springs to action during crisis. I'm the same way. As such, I have always been attracted to people who are in some form of need or distress. Often it's not situational or specific, just the overall damsel in distress nature about them. This person activates my "rescue" mentality. I can help them do this, or do that. I can give and give and because BPD's never reciprocate, and my nature of not feeling comfortable feeling weak or helpless or accepting of others gifts, I guess that was a fit for me. Someone I could give to, and help. The difference between me and my parent is somewhere along the way I developed a kind of low self esteem. I'm educated, have a good job, played sports and have friends but there is definitely a deep feeling of being inadequate for some reason inside me. Without healthy self esteem, and my give never take mentality, this personality type gets their sense of self worth from the reaction of those they help. That is the "reward" for being selfless. And it's why the idealization phase of a BPD female relationship is so captivating for me. I'm helping them, rescuing, and fixing, the giver, selfless, etc and they think I'm the best thing ever. I'm totally content in this moment, but it never lasts. The BPD's I've dated have cheated. This is a betrayal that cuts me to my core. Suddenly, this sense of selflessness takes a turn to resentment. After everything I've done, you do this to me? But in both instances, my enmeshment with this person, and feelings of inadequacy kept me around. Plus the selfless fixer in myself, turns towards this hyper fixation on fixing the relationship. There is no quitting! Carry on! But the BPD is a black hole. I was used. And when the devaluation starts and idealization stops, it further enhances my feelings of not being lovable. It further traps me. And my fixation goes deeper into trying to fix this relationship.  This is what I identify as my codependency with a twist of self defeating personality mixed in, just to give you an example of how I became aware of all this and the source. Could be entirely different for you, but you have to really think back to things like your childhood, previous relationships, etc and it's all there, just need to heighten you awareness.

In clinical terms, a co dependent is actually controlling as well. For if the other person did not need them or appear helpless, we would not gain our sense of being the hero. Therefore we actually utilize their helplessness in such a way that THEY become dependent upon US, and we are comfortable with that. In doing all this rescuing, we ensure a constant source and flow of self worth through fixing. This is what a psychologist would say, but I don't know if my issues were really that deep. If you ask me, I saw my parent at an early age act selfless to a fault, losing himself, and I interpreted that as the way to love. I did not do so to control or manipulate. I feel like my emotional sense of love got screwed up. I only felt it if I was chasing after or rescuing, yet my logical brain still wants the same things everyone wants. Stability, reciprocation, fidelity, trust, etc and a good relationship.

Co-dependents are like prey to these parasitic personalities. They seek us out to activate this response. For their feelings of being worthless and their needs for attention ensure a constant supply from someone infatuated and fixated on them at all times rather than themselves.

[EaglesJuju]

Hang in there Lucky One. I am a co-dependent as well.  I am also scared of my uBPDbf when he rages, intimidates, isolates, avoids, threatens, and manipulates me. The reason why I am scared, is because I too have a fear of abandonment. He threatened me with leaving a lot. When he would threaten me, my fight/flight response would become overworked and I would be left with panic, fear, and anxiety.  I would tolerate all of his behaviors, because I was afraid he would leave me.

My fear of abandonment stems from my childhood.  I had a father who basically denied my existence, ignored me, and kicked me out.  My mother has a host of mental problems, ranging from BiPD , Schizophrenia, and most likely BPD.  Both parents have many N traits. 

My mother would physically and mentally abuse me.  Although I knew this was not normative behavior, I endured it because I wanted her to love me.  I would endure all of the abuse, justifying it on her mental illness. Essentially, I am desensitized to abuse.  I learned how to cope with her behavior by pleasing her all the time.  Through my brother, I observed the "reward" of pleasing her.  If I pleased her she would not become abusive.  Both of my parents projected their anger towards me, and blamed me for their problems. I took this responsibility and started blaming myself, diminishing my self-worth.  I started using this learned behavior with my father.  I began to think he would love and notice me if I was "good."  My people-pleasing and helper mentality stemmed from this.  In addition, I felt abandoned by both of my parents.  I felt helpless and feeble and was looking for someone to "take care  of me."  My feelings were only strengthened when my father kicked me out of his house at 17.  I quickly adapted and my bf at the time, I got my "learned helplessness" from him.

I agree with Anxiety 5, I help and please people based on some of my feelings of self-worth.  It has been so instilled that I felt that  I am a bad person if I put myself first. Since I was taught and learned that putting yourself first is selfish.  I feel good about myself when I help someone. I do feel that I am smart, funny, pretty, and loving but, I doubt myself sometimes. I strengthen my self-esteem through helping. I am not clingy, but I have a need to feel wanted.  Being wanted is reliant on helping someone, especially "underdogs." I understand what it is like to be an "underdog," so I can relate to anyone who is going through problems.

Some of the literature on co-dependency states that this is a control or manipulative tactic, a form of N.  Honestly, I do not believe there is anything vindictive or manipulative with my behavior.  I only hurt myself in the end.  I do not actively seek people who are struggling.  I rationally know that I cannot fix my bf, but I do know I can be there for him. Through my empathy, I understand how he can feel alone and sometimes understand why he behaves in certain ways.

My T says, "EaglesJuju, you can tolerate crazy, but you have no place for selfishness in your life."  This is the caveat of being co-dependent/people pleasing/helper etc.  I love to help, but end up feeling sad or angry when it is not reciprocated.  It truly is a vicious cycle of selflessly giving and not receiving.  I have accepted that my traits of giving/helping is part of who I am, but through therapy I learned that it is OK to worry about myself first and establish boundaries.  I started setting boundaries with my bf, friends, and family.  They did not like hearing me say, "No," all the time. I was not completely dependent, I did establish some boundaries, but reinforcing more boundaries was something they were not used to. They did not like that I was putting myself first.  This was evident with my bf, he would tell me that I do not give him enough attention or make him feel unloved and unwanted etc.

PwBPD do latch on to co-dependents like a parasite. I felt like mine literally sucked everything good out of me. I instinctively knew that I could not continue a relationship with him, if I did not work on myself first. My T said,"He would have been the death of me, if I did not seek help."  Since my bf left a month ago, I have been struggling with my co-dependency more than ever.  I have been diagnosed with PTSD. His ST, distance, resentment, manipulations, trigger my abandonment fears and self-worth.  As a co-dependent, my first reactions to his behavior was begging and pleading for him to talk to me.  I felt that I needed him and my life did not have meaning if he was so far away. I am scared that he will never come back or does not love me anymore.  I am slowly beginning to learn that I want him in my life, I do not "need" him.  I can do things for myself that make me feel good. Although his departure has been absolute hell, it has been giving me the time and space that I need to finally focus on myself.  PwBPD do consume a lot of our energy and time. 

[anxiety5]

Thank you for sharing this. Not to jump in, but obviously as you responded to some of my post, we share some similarities. What do you think is the source of your irrational fear of abandonment? I have this too. It takes me so long to get over a break up. And no matter what happens, I stay in it until they leave. I can't figure out my fear of abandonment and latching on. My parents were always married. As a child, I remember having problems going to school. I was always depressed in the AM and didn't want to go. By the afternoon I was ok. I was with my mom basically for the first 5 years of life, she was stay at home mom. We moved a lot growing up. I remember that being very hard and traumatic to pick up and leave my friends. I also remember the anxiety I would feel at such a young age. I'd get so worked up having to walk into a school as the new person who knew not a soul. I was a chubby kid, kids are tormenting at that age. I internalized that very much. I wonder if any of this has anything to do with the self worth, etc. I know the one benefit of having codependent traits, is the empathy and intuitive senses. I can pick out a person having a bad day from a mile away. I can read it on their face and almost feel their level of distraught. One of the most rewarding things is this recognition, understanding almost intuitively exactly how that person feels and then acting on it by saying something nice to them, complimenting their shirt, or sharing a funny story. In High School I had a big group of friends. I don't care if someone was the biggest nerd ever (you know how people are classified at that age) If I saw a kid eating lunch by himself, I would ALWAYS go over to him and ask him to come sit with us. Do my best to include him in conversation, or politely ignore him in a way that he wants, wherein he just didn't want to be isolated, but doesn't necessarily have anything to say and doesn't want to be put on the spot. I'd simply make eye contact with him when telling a story, as to let him know, you are part of the group. It feels good to understand these things and be able to read them in others. Despite the hardships of having codependent relationship traits, I wouldn't trade it for anything. It can be viewed as damage, but it can also open your mind to so many things that others are unaware of or not in tune with like I said above. So if it's part of my journey so be it. I don't think any of us here should spend too much time trying to change who we are. It's just a matter of understanding it better as to eliminate and control some of the more self defeating aspects of it rather than trying to wish it away.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Anxiety 5,

I believe my irrational fears of abandonment are associated with my feelings of self-worth.  I feel unworthy if I cannot help someone or they push me away. If someone leaves me, I automatically take responsibility for everything. I blame myself, because in my mind I could have done more.  I help people because I feel good about being altruistic.  On the other hand, I am desperately seeking their approval.  Their approval in turn, makes me feel good.  If they abandon me, I feel like it was all my fault, therefore having feelings of low self-worth.  I feel like I am not "good" enough, if I am abandoned. From my childhood, I reinforced my beliefs and I associate not being "good" enough with abandonment. When I have the feeling of abandonment, I become hypoaroused with anxiety and panic. I do not let people go, because if I do then I "lose" my existence of self-worth. Much of my identity is reliant on someone needing me to help.  I hope that helps.

[hurting300]

Or you can just say; wow I was with a very bad person and they made me into something I'm not... now it's time for me to drop the clinical talk and realize I'm the victim of circumstances. Now I need to talk about it to everyone here until I'm healed from the hurricane called borderline personality disorder. And never look back. Take up a hobby, work out. Don't let a worthless person control you after they are gone. And yes, I'm so guilty of that. Believe me.

[EaglesJuju]

Or you can just say; wow I was with a very bad person and they made me into something I'm not... now it's time for me to drop the clinical talk and realize I'm the victim of circumstances. Now I need to talk about it to everyone here until I'm healed from the hurricane called borderline personality disorder. And never look back. Take up a hobby, work out. Don't let a worthless person control you after they are gone. And yes, I'm so guilty of that. Believe me.

I know you are hurting so much and I am sorry for your pain.    I do not think he is bad or worthless. I consciously knew he had mental health issues before I met him, but I did not understand the extent . Yes, I am upset with him, but I do not resent him.  I agree he is a hurricane, but my behavior/personality made me become a victim. I accept my role and shortcomings in the relationship. I cannot solely blame him.  Although I accept my responsibility, I am learning to not blame myself for everything.  It hurts like hell to be reminded of him on a daily basis. I am in limbo, not really knowing what our relationship is anymore. From my uncertainty, my own feelings of self-worth are being questioned. I am keeping busy, especially working out a lot, but the unknown cuts me to my core.     

[hurting300]

Or you can just say; wow I was with a very bad person and they made me into something I'm not... now it's time for me to drop the clinical talk and realize I'm the victim of circumstances. Now I need to talk about it to everyone here until I'm healed from the hurricane called borderline personality disorder. And never look back. Take up a hobby, work out. Don't let a worthless person control you after they are gone. And yes, I'm so guilty of that. Believe me.

I know you are hurting so much and I am sorry for your pain.    I do not think he is bad or worthless. I consciously knew he had mental health issues before I met him, but I did not understand the extent . Yes, I am upset with him, but I do not resent him.  I agree he is a hurricane, but my behavior/personality made me become a victim. I accept my role and shortcomings in the relationship. I cannot solely blame him.  Although I accept my responsibility, I am learning to not blame myself for everything.  It hurts like hell to be reminded of him on a daily basis. I am in limbo, not really knowing what our relationship is anymore. From my uncertainty, my own feelings of self-worth are being questioned. I am keeping busy, especially working out a lot, but the unknown cuts me to my core.     

yeah wrong choice of words. No one is worthless we are put here for a reason. My apologies

[EaglesJuju]

Or you can just say; wow I was with a very bad person and they made me into something I'm not... now it's time for me to drop the clinical talk and realize I'm the victim of circumstances. Now I need to talk about it to everyone here until I'm healed from the hurricane called borderline personality disorder. And never look back. Take up a hobby, work out. Don't let a worthless person control you after they are gone. And yes, I'm so guilty of that. Believe me.

I know you are hurting so much and I am sorry for your pain.    I do not think he is bad or worthless. I consciously knew he had mental health issues before I met him, but I did not understand the extent . Yes, I am upset with him, but I do not resent him.  I agree he is a hurricane, but my behavior/personality made me become a victim. I accept my role and shortcomings in the relationship. I cannot solely blame him.  Although I accept my responsibility, I am learning to not blame myself for everything.  It hurts like hell to be reminded of him on a daily basis. I am in limbo, not really knowing what our relationship is anymore. From my uncertainty, my own feelings of self-worth are being questioned. I am keeping busy, especially working out a lot, but the unknown cuts me to my core.     

yeah wrong choice of words. No one is worthless we are put here for a reason. My apologies

You are angry and that is very understandable. I am angry too. 

[anxiety5]

Yes that helps. Wow. I see a lot of me in that. I read somewhere that the nuclear bomb of human emotions is shame. It's the most intense emotion possible. I bet being abandoned in addition to self worth, triggers a feeling of shame. Guilt is feeling bad about making a mistake. Shame is feeling bad about BEING bad. It's when you interpret failures not as individual occurrences, but as proof that we, ourselves are bad. 

I don't have any history of abuse. My parents are great people. How the heck did I develop this?

So how does one create healthy self esteem and self worth? How do we do that?

[EaglesJuju]

Yes that helps. Wow. I see a lot of me in that. I read somewhere that the nuclear bomb of human emotions is shame. It's the most intense emotion possible. I bet being abandoned in addition to self worth, triggers a feeling of shame. Guilt is feeling bad about making a mistake. Shame is feeling bad about BEING bad. It's when you interpret failures not as individual occurrences, but as proof that we, ourselves are bad. 

I don't have any history of abuse. My parents are great people. How the heck did I develop this?

So how does one create healthy self esteem and self worth? How do we do that?

You could have developed this through socialization through school or outside environments.  Conversely, it could be a biosocial component.  Meaning during the development of your cortex (where attachments are stored) you were not being nurtured enough, you did not form an "attachment" or closeness of the relationship between your parents. Therefore, you became emotionally dependent.  Or it can be solely from biological factors, such as genetics , during the growth of your cortex. There are a lot of theories out there  . 

I am working on creating healthy self-esteem by doing things by myself and for myself.  It is very hard for me, because I feel "selfish."  I am letting go of the guilt and self-blame I feel by not helping people, by setting boundaries.   

[Lucky One]

So how does one create healthy self esteem and self worth? How do we do that?

I'd like to thank you all, anxiety5, EaglesJuju and hurting300 for your eye opening comments.

It's good to know that there are still some nice people around. Like you.

So sorry that you also, have to be experiencing this.

Could not participate further yesterday as uBPDw was very active around me. Near the computer. If I didn't have this fear, I'd have sat answering your responses, the whole day.

Thinking carefully over this, and what you guys have posted, I mostly can say that my story is similar to EaglesJuju.

The fear of abandonment comes into play. Big time. Also goes back into my childhood when my parents divorced when I was 13 years old.

My W threatens to leave. More than once.

I'm continuously getting the silent treatment. This one has lasted more than 3 months. With this, I already feel abandoned.

She's so nice and talks to everyone else, but me she ignores.

I'm the breadwinner in the family but even this means nothing.

No intimacy. No hugs no kisses. In her eyes I'm worse than "Rover" the dog.

According to her I've been unfaithful, when I know I'm not. But she doesn't believe me.

She's gone through all my cell calls and all my emails, business and personal, on the computer. Looking for something to nail me with. She's found nothing.

And lots more. All things she's looking for something to confirm her suspicions about me.

But she's wrong. I've always been a one woman guy. I don't play games. Even long before I met her.

She's NOT really interested in getting help. According to her it's all my fault.

In the meantime, I'm learning a lot on this site, and trying to work on myself, and trying to come to a decision, WHAT to do -  whilst dealing with this emotional pain.

That saying -  "That big boys don't cry, It's NOT true". You have my word on it!





 

[EaglesJuju]

So how does one create healthy self esteem and self worth? How do we do that?

I'd like to thank you all, anxiety5, EaglesJuju and hurting300 for your eye opening comments.

It's good to know that there are still some nice people around. Like you.

So sorry that you also, have to be experiencing this.

Could not participate further yesterday as uBPDw was very active around me. Near the computer. If I didn't have this fear, I'd have sat answering your responses, the whole day.

Thinking carefully over this, and what you guys have posted, I mostly can say that my story is similar to EaglesJuju.

The fear of abandonment comes into play. Big time. Also goes back into my childhood when my parents divorced when I was 13 years old.

My W threatens to leave. More than once.

I'm continuously getting the silent treatment. This one has lasted more than 3 months. With this, I already feel abandoned.

She's so nice and talks to everyone else, but me she ignores.

I'm the breadwinner in the family but even this means nothing.

No intimacy. No hugs no kisses. In her eyes I'm worse than "Rover" the dog.

According to her I've been unfaithful, when I know I'm not. But she doesn't believe me.

She's gone through all my cell calls and all my emails, business and personal, on the computer. Looking for something to nail me with. She's found nothing.

And lots more. All things she's looking for something to confirm her suspicions about me.

But she's wrong. I've always been a one woman guy. I don't play games. Even long before I met her.

She's NOT really interested in getting help. According to her it's all my fault.

In the meantime, I'm learning a lot on this site, and trying to work on myself, and trying to come to a decision, WHAT to do -  whilst dealing with this emotional pain.

That saying -  "That big boys don't cry, It's NOT true". You have my word on it!





 

I truly understand the way you are feeling.  You are afraid to talk to her about her suspicions and ST, because that might make her leave you.  On the other hand, you are fed up with her behavior and want to say something. Both situations make you afraid, based on her prior threats of leaving. All of this triggers your own abandonment fears.   

Even though my bf left to get help, I am going through the same situation.  The ST was easier to cope with when he was here, but now that he is 2000 miles away; it is absolute hell. Obviously he cannot threaten me with leaving, but his newest tactic is to only speak to me via texting.  Any time I say anything that is remotely unpleasant for him, he tells me to "move on" or "needing to calm down and he loves me."  Trying to decipher the texts is maddening. Afterwards, I get days of the ST.  The ST is one of the worst things you can do to someone who has abandonment fears.  As insane as it sounds, I would rather have him rage at me than being ignored.

[tinkerbellsmom]

I am scared of my daughter, and that is not because of any unhealthy fear on my part, it is because she IS SCARY!  As a BPD, she is completely unpredictable and creates a fully hostile environment in the home, even when she is well, because she can turn on you at any moment.  That would scare anyone!

[hurting300]

Yes however it is a cluster b disorder. I agree with you not all BPD's act the same. They don't. However 90% relationship failure rate can't lie. Most murderers have a cluster b disorder. I applaud you for being fair and balanced I do. But I'm sorry to say the more you try the worse it will get. I believe my professionals because they are highly recommended and experienced at these things. Most people are "co-dependent" because the BPD s.o. has basically brain washed the victim with parroting behaviours And idealized them. That would hook anyone. So I do somewhat agree with you on her. And confidence can sometimes be confused with grandiosity.

[EaglesJuju]

Yes however it is a cluster b disorder. I agree with you not all BPD's act the same. They don't. However 90% relationship failure rate can't lie. Most murderers have a cluster b disorder. I applaud you for being fair and balanced I do. But I'm sorry to say the more you try the worse it will get. I believe my professionals because they are highly recommended and experienced at these things. Most people are "co-dependent" because the BPD s.o. has basically brain washed the victim with parroting behaviours And idealized them. That would hook anyone. So I do somewhat agree with you on her. And confidence can sometimes be confused with grandiosity.

I was not impugning your professionals, I am sorry if I appeared to do so. I was merely questioning the author's intent. I would not seek help from someone who harangues people with mental health issues. In my opinion, many of her responses to questions are outright nasty.  I do not know any T's who would respond in such a hostile, haughty manner; hence my opinion of her grandiosity.   You are right about murderers having cluster b PDs, primarily ASPD. There is co-morbidity for ASPD/BPD and violence.  My work is concentrated on ASPD/criminals.

I was co-dependent before I met my pwBPD.  I believe I was only a victim once throughout my relationship. Although my bf has a slew of mental health issues, I cannot solely blame him.  I consciously knew what I was getting into. I am fully aware that there is a high probability that my relationship may fail, but I am willing to take that chance.

[hurting300]

Yes however it is a cluster b disorder. I agree with you not all BPD's act the same. They don't. However 90% relationship failure rate can't lie. Most murderers have a cluster b disorder. I applaud you for being fair and balanced I do. But I'm sorry to say the more you try the worse it will get. I believe my professionals because they are highly recommended and experienced at these things. Most people are "co-dependent" because the BPD s.o. has basically brain washed the victim with parroting behaviours And idealized them. That would hook anyone. So I do somewhat agree with you on her. And confidence can sometimes be confused with grandiosity.

I was not impugning your professionals, I am sorry if I appeared to do so. I was merely questioning the author's intent. I would not seek help from someone who harangues people with mental health issues. In my opinion, many of her responses to questions are outright nasty.  I do not know any T's who would respond in such a hostile, haughty manner; hence my opinion of her grandiosity.   You are right about murderers having cluster b PDs, primarily ASPD. There is co-morbidity for ASPD/BPD and violence.  My work is concentrated on ASPD/criminals.

I was co-dependent before I met my pwBPD.  I believe I was only a victim once throughout my relationship. Although my bf has a slew of mental health issues, I cannot solely blame him.  I consciously knew what I was getting into. I am fully aware that there is a high probability that my relationship may fail, but I am willing to take that chance.

no no I value your opinion! We are having a healthy debate.

[hurting300]

Yes however it is a cluster b disorder. I agree with you not all BPD's act the same. They don't. However 90% relationship failure rate can't lie. Most murderers have a cluster b disorder. I applaud you for being fair and balanced I do. But I'm sorry to say the more you try the worse it will get. I believe my professionals because they are highly recommended and experienced at these things. Most people are "co-dependent" because the BPD s.o. has basically brain washed the victim with parroting behaviours And idealized them. That would hook anyone. So I do somewhat agree with you on her. And confidence can sometimes be confused with grandiosity.

I was not impugning your professionals, I am sorry if I appeared to do so. I was merely questioning the author's intent. I would not seek help from someone who harangues people with mental health issues. In my opinion, many of her responses to questions are outright nasty.  I do not know any T's who would respond in such a hostile, haughty manner; hence my opinion of her grandiosity.   You are right about murderers having cluster b PDs, primarily ASPD. There is co-morbidity for ASPD/BPD and violence.  My work is concentrated on ASPD/criminals.

I was co-dependent before I met my pwBPD.  I believe I was only a victim once throughout my relationship. Although my bf has a slew of mental health issues, I cannot solely blame him.  I consciously knew what I was getting into. I am fully aware that there is a high probability that my relationship may fail, but I am willing to take that chance.

wow that's pretty cool what you do for work. Yes my "people" said she was more criminal minded than anything. No doubt she does have a disorder. But the author knows how to sell her page...

[EaglesJuju]

Yes however it is a cluster b disorder. I agree with you not all BPD's act the same. They don't. However 90% relationship failure rate can't lie. Most murderers have a cluster b disorder. I applaud you for being fair and balanced I do. But I'm sorry to say the more you try the worse it will get. I believe my professionals because they are highly recommended and experienced at these things. Most people are "co-dependent" because the BPD s.o. has basically brain washed the victim with parroting behaviours And idealized them. That would hook anyone. So I do somewhat agree with you on her. And confidence can sometimes be confused with grandiosity.

I was not impugning your professionals, I am sorry if I appeared to do so. I was merely questioning the author's intent. I would not seek help from someone who harangues people with mental health issues. In my opinion, many of her responses to questions are outright nasty.  I do not know any T's who would respond in such a hostile, haughty manner; hence my opinion of her grandiosity.   You are right about murderers having cluster b PDs, primarily ASPD. There is co-morbidity for ASPD/BPD and violence.  My work is concentrated on ASPD/criminals.

I was co-dependent before I met my pwBPD.  I believe I was only a victim once throughout my relationship. Although my bf has a slew of mental health issues, I cannot solely blame him.  I consciously knew what I was getting into. I am fully aware that there is a high probability that my relationship may fail, but I am willing to take that chance.

wow that's pretty cool what you do for work. Yes my "people" said she was more criminal minded than anything. No doubt she does have a disorder. But the author knows how to sell her page...

I read her "work," when I first realized he had BPD. It came up on the first page of a Bing search. I could not believe the things and manner in which she was writing.  Even some of the things she said about ADHD was unbelievable.  I know this is petty, but she seems like a bitter bit_h. 

[hurting300]

Yes however it is a cluster b disorder. I agree with you not all BPD's act the same. They don't. However 90% relationship failure rate can't lie. Most murderers have a cluster b disorder. I applaud you for being fair and balanced I do. But I'm sorry to say the more you try the worse it will get. I believe my professionals because they are highly recommended and experienced at these things. Most people are "co-dependent" because the BPD s.o. has basically brain washed the victim with parroting behaviours And idealized them. That would hook anyone. So I do somewhat agree with you on her. And confidence can sometimes be confused with grandiosity.

I was not impugning your professionals, I am sorry if I appeared to do so. I was merely questioning the author's intent. I would not seek help from someone who harangues people with mental health issues. In my opinion, many of her responses to questions are outright nasty.  I do not know any T's who would respond in such a hostile, haughty manner; hence my opinion of her grandiosity.   You are right about murderers having cluster b PDs, primarily ASPD. There is co-morbidity for ASPD/BPD and violence.  My work is concentrated on ASPD/criminals.

I was co-dependent before I met my pwBPD.  I believe I was only a victim once throughout my relationship. Although my bf has a slew of mental health issues, I cannot solely blame him.  I consciously knew what I was getting into. I am fully aware that there is a high probability that my relationship may fail, but I am willing to take that chance.

wow that's pretty cool what you do for work. Yes my "people" said she was more criminal minded than anything. No doubt she does have a disorder. But the author knows how to sell her page...

I read her "work," when I first realized he had BPD. It came up on the first page of a Bing search. I could not believe the things and manner in which she was writing.  Even some of the things she said about ADHD was unbelievable.  I know this is petty, but she seems like a bitter bit_h. 

lmao! I like you

[Mr. Solo]

Lucky, I have been afraid at times as well. Mainly because I have a somewhat healthy idea of what I will do and not do, whereas, my wife will do WHATEVER it takes to get her way or get leverage or punish me. When she left the last time I did not hesitate to do what I needed to do to protect myself because the other two times she rounded up the kids, the money, the family belongings, and whatever else she could get her hands on. The last time she got REALLY PISSED because I did what she did the first two times. I wasn't doing it to punish her like she did me though. I was just making sure I wasn't stuck with no wallet, no car, no money, no family belongings, etc., as I was before. I am co-dependent as well. A people pleaser. But I have started learning to not let her run over me. It is hard and sometimes scary. My wife was physically abusive in addition to mentally and emotionally abusive. She would hit me and then when I wouldn't hit back she would try and act like I hit her. She would flop on the floor if she tried to hit me or push me and I moved. I am a disabled veteran with back problems and she even hit me on my lower back once (in front of our son). Whipped me with an iPhone cord once as well. I am 5-10, 210 pounds and she is 5-1, 150 pounds. At one point, it was so bad that if I was around her and she moved quickly I would jump. She would get really angry and say I had no reason to be that way. Yeah, right. Anyways... .

[Lucky One]

Lucky, I have been afraid at times as well. ... .

She would get really angry and say I had no reason to be that way. Yeah, right. Anyways... .

So sorry to hear that you too, are going through this painful situation.

Thanks for participating, and please carry on dialoguing, when you can.

I've just completed a CBT - Cognitive Behaviour Therapy self help course, on this site, in an attempt to alleviate the depression and fear I was feeling. It has been quite helpful. Also absolutely free. Amazing!

I've decided also, to do a free  DBT course, also for free. From the DBTselfhelp site itself.This is the treatment that pwBPD's go for.

Why would I do this. We all have some BPD traits, maybe not all, but some. I just want to sort my own out.

In the meantime, and until next time - Best wishes.

[Lucky One]

It's important to know that you are the victim. Don't beat yourself up about that. Be happy that you are doing the work now, and I congratulate you on that. You are already changing for the better.

How many times did you avoid confrontation in order to keep the peace?

How many times?  - All the time, everyday now! Hundreds of times!

I can see she's waiting for me to do something wrong. She's not happy.

I basically ignore it, now. It's one of my new "unspoken" boundaries.

In the meantime, I carry on learning about BPD, for myself.

And I'm doing CBT (completed) and DBT self help courses I found here on this site. For free!

Didn't even know, that there were such things before coming to BPD family.

Just shows, one never stops learning.

Thanks for your advice.

[Lucky One]

[quote author=EaglesJuju

I truly understand the way you are feeling.  You are afraid to talk to her about her suspicions and ST, because that might make her leave you.  

On the other hand, you are fed up with her behavior and want to say something.

Both situations make you afraid, based on her prior threats of leaving.

All of this triggers your own abandonment fears.  

Even though my bf left to get help, I am going through the same situation.  [/quote]


That's 100 % correct - at least one person understands.

Thank you for that.

[anxiety5]

She's a professional psychiatrist with a doctorate and 20 years of dealing exclusively with BPD patients. She's seen THOUSANDS of them. So with all due respect, I think you are wrong in you assertion.

Why does it offend you her tone? It was written based of thousands of patient case studies she personally did.

How about domestic violence? Does the media EVER talk about the men who are abused? (40%) Some of those people are on this site. Heck, a lot of them. Yet go check out the website for domestic violence week. You would get the impression that its a one way ordeal. A bunch of men beating women. That is a tragedy. That movement has NOTHING to do with domestic violence. Those people who produce the propaganda are keenly aware of the statistics, yet they still portrait it as a one way thing. That movement, like so many things this day in age has been hijacked by political hacks with agendas. The "war on women" before the 2012 election? I guess there was a ceasefire immediately after the election, but either way I didn't hear much about it for a year or so after they polarized half the nation into being political pawns in order to win a demographic.

Ever watch a commercial these days? The man is ALWAYS portrayed as the bumbling idiot, as the wife shakes her head at him. Heck even shows like Family Guy or the Simpsons sport bumbling idiot husbands Peter and Homer Simpson. I'm saying these things because they are REAL LIFE FACTUAL THINGS THAT HAPPEN.

You based your assumption that the author was somehow a misogynist on what? You question her narrative without even knowing her credentials. Why? You discredit her because you didn't like that it wasn't "fair" So what do you suggest? Should we not read her 18-20 years of clinical history dealing exclusively with these patients and instead revise her FACT BASED findings with your version so it's more "fair"

God help us.

[Mr. Solo]

She's a professional psychiatrist with a doctorate and 20 years of dealing exclusively with BPD patients. She's seen THOUSANDS of them. So with all due respect, I think you are wrong in you assertion.

Why does it offend you her tone? It was written based of thousands of patient case studies she personally did.

How about domestic violence? Does the media EVER talk about the men who are abused? (40%) Some of those people are on this site. Heck, a lot of them. Yet go check out the website for domestic violence week. You would get the impression that its a one way ordeal. A bunch of men beating women. That is a tragedy. That movement has NOTHING to do with domestic violence. Those people who produce the propaganda are keenly aware of the statistics, yet they still portrait it as a one way thing. That movement, like so many things this day in age has been hijacked by political hacks with agendas. The "war on women" before the 2012 election? I guess there was a ceasefire immediately after the election, but either way I didn't hear much about it for a year or so after they polarized half the nation into being political pawns in order to win a demographic.

Ever watch a commercial these days? The man is ALWAYS portrayed as the bumbling idiot, as the wife shakes her head at him. Heck even shows like Family Guy or the Simpsons sport bumbling idiot husbands Peter and Homer Simpson. I'm saying these things because they are REAL LIFE FACTUAL THINGS THAT HAPPEN.

You based your assumption that the author was somehow a misogynist on what? You question her narrative without even knowing her credentials. Why? You discredit her because you didn't like that it wasn't "fair" So what do you suggest? Should we not read her 18-20 years of clinical history dealing exclusively with these patients and instead revise her FACT BASED findings with your version so it's more "fair"

God help us.

I've read just about everything she has on her site. Last year about this time, I even talked to her on the phone. Although I agree with most of what she says she does come across as someone who has a major beef with BPDs in general. When I talked to her she was already encouraging me to kick my wife to the curb before we had talked five minutes. I understand it may eventually come to that but right off the bat? I have twenty years of history with my wife, with sixteen of those being awesome. We have three children together. I would prefer to work things out (most of the time).  I do know I have read many things that basically say the same things she does but they present it much better, in my opinion.

[Lucky One]

She's a professional psychiatrist with a doctorate and 20 years of dealing exclusively with BPD patients. She's seen THOUSANDS of them. So with all due respect, I think you are wrong in you assertion.

Why does it offend you her tone? It was written based of thousands of patient case studies she personally did.

How about domestic violence? Does the media EVER talk about the men who are abused? (40%) Some of those people are on this site. Heck, a lot of them. Yet go check out the website for domestic violence week. You would get the impression that its a one way ordeal. A bunch of men beating women. That is a tragedy. That movement has NOTHING to do with domestic violence. Those people who produce the propaganda are keenly aware of the statistics, yet they still portrait it as a one way thing. That movement, like so many things this day in age has been hijacked by political hacks with agendas. The "war on women" before the 2012 election? I guess there was a ceasefire immediately after the election, but either way I didn't hear much about it for a year or so after they polarized half the nation into being political pawns in order to win a demographic.

Ever watch a commercial these days? The man is ALWAYS portrayed as the bumbling idiot, as the wife shakes her head at him. Heck even shows like Family Guy or the Simpsons sport bumbling idiot husbands Peter and Homer Simpson. I'm saying these things because they are REAL LIFE FACTUAL THINGS THAT HAPPEN.

You based your assumption that the author was somehow a misogynist on what? You question her narrative without even knowing her credentials. Why? You discredit her because you didn't like that it wasn't "fair" So what do you suggest? Should we not read her 18-20 years of clinical history dealing exclusively with these patients and instead revise her FACT BASED findings with your version so it's more "fair"

God help us.

I've read just about everything she has on her site. Last year about this time, I even talked to her on the phone. Although I agree with most of what she says she does come across as someone who has a major beef with BPDs in general. When I talked to her she was already encouraging me to kick my wife to the curb before we had talked five minutes. I understand it may eventually come to that but right off the bat? I have twenty years of history with my wife, with sixteen of those being awesome. We have three children together. I would prefer to work things out (most of the time).  I do know I have read many things that basically say the same things she does but they present it much better, in my opinion.

5 Minutes !

Wow, That's a bit quick.

I've got 38 years of history with my wife, 32 years married.

I'm also trying to work things out, and I can see that I myself got myself into a worse situation because of my responses. I took everything personal.

Now that I know something about PD' from this site, I'm changing how I'm handling things.

But it's still scary!

[EaglesJuju]

She's a professional psychiatrist with a doctorate and 20 years of dealing exclusively with BPD patients. She's seen THOUSANDS of them. So with all due respect, I think you are wrong in you assertion.

Why does it offend you her tone? It was written based of thousands of patient case studies she personally did.

How about domestic violence? Does the media EVER talk about the men who are abused? (40%) Some of those people are on this site. Heck, a lot of them. Yet go check out the website for domestic violence week. You would get the impression that its a one way ordeal. A bunch of men beating women. That is a tragedy. That movement has NOTHING to do with domestic violence. Those people who produce the propaganda are keenly aware of the statistics, yet they still portrait it as a one way thing. That movement, like so many things this day in age has been hijacked by political hacks with agendas. The "war on women" before the 2012 election? I guess there was a ceasefire immediately after the election, but either way I didn't hear much about it for a year or so after they polarized half the nation into being political pawns in order to win a demographic.

Ever watch a commercial these days? The man is ALWAYS portrayed as the bumbling idiot, as the wife shakes her head at him. Heck even shows like Family Guy or the Simpsons sport bumbling idiot husbands Peter and Homer Simpson. I'm saying these things because they are REAL LIFE FACTUAL THINGS THAT HAPPEN.

You based your assumption that the author was somehow a misogynist on what? You question her narrative without even knowing her credentials. Why? You discredit her because you didn't like that it wasn't "fair" So what do you suggest? Should we not read her 18-20 years of clinical history dealing exclusively with these patients and instead revise her FACT BASED findings with your version so it's more "fair"

God help us.

I base her credentials on what is listed on her site.  According to her site, she is not a licensed psychiatrist or psychologist, hence no Phd.  She specifically states that.  You can read her site and make your own assertions. I am allowed to have my own version or opinions on her literature.

My opinion has nothing to do with misogyny.  It is apparent that you have strong feelings of anger about women always being portrayed as the victim. Men are often victims of domestic violence, it just does not get reported as often. The prevalence of male victimization for domestic violence is considered a "dark figure of crime."  

Her tone is offensive to me, because she writes with anger and over generalizes. For example (her quote), "We have to help you begin retrieving your testicles, because you surely had to surrender them during boyhood to a domineering/castrating mom or dad."  I do not agree with her style of therapy. I agree with Mr. Solo, it appears she has a beef with pwBPD, although she claims that they are her favorite patients.  

[Lucky One]

She's a professional psychiatrist with a doctorate and 20 years of dealing exclusively with BPD patients. She's seen THOUSANDS of them. So with all due respect, I think you are wrong in you assertion.

I base her credentials on what is listed on her site.  According to her site, she is not a licensed psychiatrist or psychologist, hence no Phd.  She specifically states that.

So which is true - Is she a professional with a doctorate or not! Especially if she states that herself.

We are only looking for the truth, to answer the Topics Question Why am I "Scared of pwBPD"

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Lucky One,

I agree it is scary. Many times, I have escalated a bad situation based on my responses to my pwBPD.   Through my therapy, I learned to not take their behavior personally. It is very hard to do that sometimes.  I can easily do that when my pwBPD's behavior is so absurd.  Other times when says and does certain things, I tend to take it personally. On those occasions, I believe it has to do with my own fears and insecurities.