The spell is broken

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I haven't posted or read here for some time, and all of a sudden it's as if I don't need to. I just want to tell you all what has happened.

Some of you may know me from earlier posts. I was in rs for 20 years that ended in june. We have a dauhgter, she's four. My wife was diagnosed with BPD earlier this year, but I have known for much longer.

Since june I have tried to "make sense" of the 20 years we had together. I have not had the urge to come back to my wife again, and even though the breakup was a relief the life we had and the pain of the relationship still took up too much of my time and thoughts.

Then the following happened:

Last friday there was a one day art music festival in a big city a few hours from where I live. I threw out a thread on facebook; "I'm going, who wants to come along?".

A couple of the usual friends replied, but also a girl a knew vaguely from before who said she'd come. She's a really artsy/behomeian type (nine years younger than me, I'm 42) and we had a great time at the festival.

It got late and she asked me if she could sleep on the couch at my place (I live in a house in the country) and i said OK. The next day ate breakfast, talked a lot, went for a walk in the forest and attended a yoga course (!). She spent another night at the couch and we sat talking through the night, really telling "too much" (if you know what I mean).

I fell so madly in love I didn't know what do with myself. I was never that in love with my exwife. I vaguely remember being in love like this in teens.

I cried inside when she left to go home. I don't know if she's interested, sadly.

But that's kind of besides the point, because after this, the whole debacle that was my 20 year BPD relationship was gone from an open wound to something that I can talk calmly about. And that I am strangely indifferent about.

It's been like flicking a switch. No need to soothe no pain.

I told this sweet, lovely, MAGICAL girl about the pain of my 20 year relationship. She looked at me and said "Yeah, but it's over now - you're much better of on your own". Then she told me about her own pain and her own troubles and it felt so good. I got tears in my eyes. For 20 years I had to be so guarded that proper sympathy was just out of the question. Now suddenly here was the real deal.

We walked out in the garden outside my house (where my wife also used to live). I gave some kind of lame excuse about the uncut lawns and the rampant trees and bushes. But it was as if she saw right through me because she said "I think it's beautiful, I don't think a garden should be pruned.".

And so the tears welled up again, because secretly that's how I felt about it too, but I just kept making excuses, expecting to attacked from all angles.

I hope I will meet her again, but I don't take it for granted because she's a "free spirit" in every sense of the word. But I thank her for her time and for giving me just what I needed when I needed it the most.

My god I hope this lasts.

[hergestridge]

I haven't posted or read here for some time, and all of a sudden it's as if I don't need to. I just want to tell you all what has happened.

Some of you may know me from earlier posts. I was in rs for 20 years that ended in june. We have a dauhgter, she's four. My wife was diagnosed with BPD earlier this year, but I have known for much longer.

Since june I have tried to "make sense" of the 20 years we had together. I have not had the urge to come back to my wife again, and even though the breakup was a relief the life we had and the pain of the relationship still took up too much of my time and thoughts.

Then the following happened:

Last friday there was a one day art music festival in a big city a few hours from where I live. I threw out a thread on facebook; "I'm going, who wants to come along?".

A couple of the usual friends replied, but also a girl a knew vaguely from before who said she'd come. She's a really artsy/behomeian type (nine years younger than me, I'm 42) and we had a great time at the festival.

It got late and she asked me if she could sleep on the couch at my place (I live in a house in the country) and i said OK. The next day ate breakfast, talked a lot, went for a walk in the forest and attended a yoga course (!). She spent another night at the couch and we sat talking through the night, really telling "too much" (if you know what I mean).

I fell so madly in love I didn't know what do with myself. I was never that in love with my exwife. I vaguely remember being in love like this in teens.

I cried inside when she left to go home. I don't know if she's interested, sadly.

But that's kind of besides the point, because after this, the whole debacle that was my 20 year BPD relationship was gone from an open wound to something that I can talk calmly about. And that I am strangely indifferent about.

It's been like flicking a switch. No need to soothe no pain.

I told this sweet, lovely, MAGICAL girl about the pain of my 20 year relationship. She looked at me and said "Yeah, but it's over now - you're much better of on your own". Then she told me about her own pain and her own troubles and it felt so good. I got tears in my eyes. For 20 years I had to be so guarded that proper sympathy was just out of the question. Now suddenly here was the real deal.

We walked out in the garden outside my house (where my wife also used to live). I gave some kind of lame excuse about the uncut lawns and the rampant trees and bushes. But it was as if she saw right through me because she said "I think it's beautiful, I don't think a garden should be pruned.".

And so the tears welled up again, because secretly that's how I felt about it too, but I just kept making excuses, expecting to attacked from all angles.

I hope I will meet her again, but I don't take it for granted because she's a "free spirit" in every sense of the word. But I thank her for her time and for giving me just what I needed when I needed it the most.

My god I hope this lasts.

[bewildered2]

you're cured.

congratulations.

and now life can start to get interesting again, but in a good way.

treasure it, and protect it.

b2

[hergestridge]

you're cured.

congratulations.

and now life can start to get interesting again, but in a good way.

treasure it, and protect it.

b2

I sure hope so!

I thought I was much more "cured" than I actually was, but this thing that has happened now just killed off all the interest/obsession I had in my old BPD relationship.

It even turned out over the last week that my exwife has a new boyfriend and it doesn't bother me.

I thought it would fade gradually over the years.

[maxen]

   (two thumbs up)

that's fabulous!

there are other people, and we can be interested in them, and they in us. at least, that's what i'm hoping to discover. but you've already discovered it!

[NorthLight]

Nice for you, so motivational to hear Good luck

[Arminius]

Meeting someone wonderfully normal is a huge help.

Meeting someone truly special will indeed contextualise your past. I hope this does go the way yiu wish but if it doesn't, then know that you have seen a glimpse of glory, a moment of clarity that can illuminate and guide you.

I've met many nice people in the year that has passed since my uBPDxgf dropped the out-of-the-blue bomb that she was done... .Some of those people have healed me a little, some have made me sad for what I thought I used to have, and one made me see that life can be wonderful. Unfortunately she was 22 years younger than me and I had to let her go despite her wishes to stay, but we have remained close and I'm hopeful that the future will bring more age-appropriate joys.

[fromheeltoheal]

I've had similar experiences lately h, and they've been refreshing and felt safe, although they also enlighten work I still need to do.  I too am half expecting blame and judgement from people I open up to, and get defensive very easily.  I'm practicing being a grown-up, being present  in conversations and focusing on maintaining boundaries, where my default mode is just to blurt out my truth, which is great and freeing with the right people, but disastrous with the wrong ones, especially my ex.  I too have fallen in 'love' with a pretty girl who empathizes and validates what I share, and have discovered that that isn't love, it's just a reaction to someone who cares and is willing to listen, a long time coming for me, and we really light up when we get something we need after a long time of not getting it.  I dunno, it's a brand new world, and I'm still adjusting to being accepted for who I am, to comfort and human connection.

I hope this free spirit continues to add value to your life and vice versa, and there's nothing better than a young pretty girl to make a man feel alive, especially after time in hell.  Take care of you!

[hergestridge]

Arminius: I think you are right, it helped me contextualise my past and it was a moment of clarity, a glimpse of glory. Exactly that. I don't know if I will ever see her again, and that hurts. But it's not the kind of hurt I have suffered to 20 years now. It's the kind of hurt that goes with falling helplessly in love and taking a chance. There's a triumph that goes with that pain because it's the pain that belongs to a normal life where it's OK to have feelings. I can cry if I want to and tell people around me that the girl I want doesn't want me back. There's noone here to ridicule me now. They will even understand. All those things are appearing to me now.

Right now I can't imagine that I will meet someone as good as the girl I met last week and spent 48 hours with, but realistically I know that it's not so. I will *not* start to obsess or idealize. That is not a route I am going down again. But now I am just stuck in a feeling and it helps me tremendously.

Let's see what the next encounter brings. Just hope for the best... .

[myself]

These are growing pains, hergestridge.

Some of the best kind there are.

Healing bonuses. You've earned them.

[hergestridge]

I too have fallen in 'love' with a pretty girl who empathizes and validates what I share, and have discovered that that isn't love, it's just a reaction to someone who cares and is willing to listen, a long time coming for me, and we really light up when we get something we need after a long time of not getting it.  

That's one aspect of it and I know the "listener" factor added to my feelings (I sent her message later and apoligised for being self absorbed and talking too much about myself), but add her cat-like appearance, great laugh (SO hard to provoke!), our shared obsessions with nature and magic... .

I have had people coming to me asking me to cry on their shoulder but I have *not* wanted any of that. I don't want people to know. But this time it was like "F*ck it, I might as well tell you. I know you can handle it.".

I know I sound like an idiot here, but it was all so very surreal. Not the usual shame afterwards when you felt you have told to much.        

[fromheeltoheal]

I know I sound like an idiot here

No you don't, you sound like you're living life after a long time of not, and good for you.  When we let down the defenses and let fly with our truth, express our vulnerability, to someone it does feel surreal, especially when it's received without judgement and validated, and extra especially when we haven't had it received by anyone in a long time, and in fact considered it dangerous with who we were with at the time.

Enjoy the ride man, like myself says these are growing pains, the best kind.