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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: Why do they have to try and destroy you?  (Read 7047 times)
merlin4926
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« on: October 14, 2014, 04:52:56 PM »

Just wondered why when they have moved on and are "in love" with our replacement why they have to still have their hooks in us and just get worse and worse and worse towards us.  Is it to make sure they never go back because we will hate them?
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« Reply #1 on: October 14, 2014, 04:59:10 PM »

IMO no matter how it may look or feel to us, their motives and actions are directly related to their own internal state and have very little, if anything to do with us.
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merlin4926
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« Reply #2 on: October 14, 2014, 05:00:25 PM »

Just wondered why when they have moved on and are "in love" with our replacement why they have to still have their hooks in us and just get worse and worse and worse towards us.  Is it to make sure they never go back because we will hate them?
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Deeno02
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« Reply #3 on: October 14, 2014, 05:01:54 PM »

Mine has not made contact, thank god. But the mental damage has been done.
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Recooperating
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« Reply #4 on: October 14, 2014, 07:17:11 PM »

I guess they wanna hurt us, because they are hurt. A weird kind of projection. Even if they moved on to a replacement in no time, they are still hurt, they just dont show it. The emotion under anger is always hurt. So when they unleash the anger, its actually hurt... .

Then there are people that just wanna put people down to make themselves feel better. Pure insecurity.

I guess both applies to pwBpd.
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letmeout
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« Reply #5 on: October 14, 2014, 08:00:28 PM »

Mine actually said near the end, please don't hate me.

He had little to no control over his behavior and said and did awful things.

I wonder if he was feeling remorse when he said that, but probably not.
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Blimblam
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« Reply #6 on: October 14, 2014, 08:04:56 PM »

I think it comes down to projection and splitting once they have been triggered. My ex seemed to really take a sadistic pleasure in it that was profoundly disturbing.

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willtimeheal
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« Reply #7 on: October 14, 2014, 08:06:49 PM »

What is that old saying... .misery loves company!  That's why they do it. They are so miserable with their existence they will do anything to not be alone in the misery.
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Algae
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« Reply #8 on: October 14, 2014, 08:35:54 PM »

Mine actually said near the end, please don't hate me.

He had little to no control over his behavior and said and did awful things.

I wonder if he was feeling remorse when he said that, but probably not.

Odd... mine BEGGED me to hate her.  She said it would be a release and feel good if I hated her.  And she said if I refused to hate her then she'd cut and try suicide.
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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #9 on: October 14, 2014, 09:08:20 PM »

Because we all have to deal with difficult emotions somehow, and for a borderline, who lacks the ability to reframe, reinterpret, work through emotions, self-soothe as it's called, because the volume knob on them is always turned all the way up, they get creative and assign them to someone else, so the recipient becomes the dumping ground for all the crap, which serves double duty of alleviating the shame and guilt they might feel towards whomever and the relationship, by justifying it.  We all project to some extent, and the stronger the emotions, the stronger the need to project more fully.  There's no climbing out of that for the dumpie, although that emotional storm will pass, and he may be seen as a soother again, by someone in constant pain and need driven.  Better to focus on our own wounds, which are temporary and will heal, and leave the endless suffering to those who don't have a choice.
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Waifed
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« Reply #10 on: October 14, 2014, 09:24:34 PM »

My ex was avoidant so she never spoke poorly about anyone. She rarely said bad things about her exes although she brought them up a lot (trying to make me jealous I'm sure). She felt very bad when she left her ex for me. She wasn't ready to leave him but I forced the issue. She would tell me she felt bad because he was kind and didn't do Anything wrong. It was different than others who say their exes spoke poorly about their previous partners. Of course we didn't have a true idealization phase as things were steady for over two years.

I think the ones that have stronger narcisstic traits are more cruel when you break up with them.
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BlackandBlue
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« Reply #11 on: October 14, 2014, 10:41:45 PM »

I think it comes down to projection and splitting once they have been triggered. My ex seemed to really take a sadistic pleasure in it that was profoundly disturbing.

Same With My exBPDgf. She never ragged until the breakup occurred and then she seemed to become sadistic and take pleasure in my pain. Especially when I would cry... .she became so mean and nasty. She really loved kicking me while I was down. Sometimes I wonder if she was that way toward me because she hated herself what she had done to me and she projected all that nastiness toward me to make herself feel better.
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« Reply #12 on: October 14, 2014, 10:49:33 PM »

I think it comes down to projection and splitting once they have been triggered. My ex seemed to really take a sadistic pleasure in it that was profoundly disturbing.

Same With My exBPDgf. She never ragged until the breakup occurred and then she seemed to become sadistic and take pleasure in my pain. Especially when I would cry... .she became so mean and nasty. She really loved kicking me while I was down. Sometimes I wonder if she was that way toward me because she hated herself what she had done to me and she projected all that nastiness toward me to make herself feel better.

That's how I see it. Deep down she is In tremendous amount of pain and she displaced it into me. It unlocked a world of pain I never knew existed. There is a silver lining though.
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BlackandBlue
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« Reply #13 on: October 14, 2014, 10:52:16 PM »

What does it mean to have silver lining?
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Blimblam
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« Reply #14 on: October 14, 2014, 10:59:32 PM »

What does it mean to have silver lining?

Something good comes out of it.
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myself
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« Reply #15 on: October 15, 2014, 12:48:52 AM »

BPD moves and acts like a shark.

Devouring to survive. Running on instinct.

The difference with people is it can be personal.

Intent can change the course. Disordered? You still have chances.

Pain doesn't have to be expressed where it causes more pain.

Another answer? Destroy is the opposite of help grow.



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letmeout
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« Reply #16 on: October 15, 2014, 01:06:15 AM »

I believe that they want you to feel the type of intense emotional pain that they live with. 
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merlin4926
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« Reply #17 on: October 15, 2014, 08:46:30 AM »

Blimblam. What is the silver lining?
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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #18 on: October 15, 2014, 09:30:49 AM »

Friends,

Agree w/recooperating, fromheeltoheal, and others above.  Another angle may be that we have up-close-and-personal knowledge of their disordered behavior, which is probably frightening to those w/BPD because they fear exposure of their emotional turmoil, which leads them to act out on their fears by trying to destroy and discredit those who know what they are really like.

LuckyJim
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Infared
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« Reply #19 on: October 15, 2014, 10:00:38 AM »

Yeah... .I just could never understand why she was so vicious and mean after she lied to me and ran off with new supply ( as if I wasn't in enough pain already! ).  I think what they are doing is avoiding their selfish, sleazy behavior by attacking you like you harmed them or something... .so they make you into this phariah you never were to create drama and avoid facing THEIR horrific actions. It also illicits sympathy (she is playing victim by trashing me!), from the new unhealthy supply.

... .so ... .like everyone is saying... .underneath ALL of that there is some serious self-loathing going on with our exes.  ... .at least I think it is very probable. They may or may nor be totally conscious of it. I don't know what else could explain the behavior.

It wasn't "us".  I had to go to therapy to get to a place where I was not taking "her stuff" on.

F them!  *Hi! Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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walksoftly
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« Reply #20 on: October 15, 2014, 10:47:27 AM »

My ex treated me like I was the one who cheated on her. The amount of rage and hate that came from her was unbelievable and I couldnt understand it. I spent ten years with this person and in one swoop I was treated as if I was a nobody. Then the projection started; False allegations of child and spousal abuse, I was controlling, I was a manipulator etc. Its like they HAVE to believe you are a terrible human being so they can believe that they are not.  She did the same thing with her other exe's... Listen to this... .

She found out one of her exes was cheating on her with mail order russians; So when she found out she crafted a plan. She stayed with him for four months, having him pay her rent, buy her things, do her laundry, etc. Then she raged at him, pushed him to the limit and he ended up being arrested by the police. She watched the police take down... .with her children in the car watching and the way she described it was that she enjoyed it... .loved it. He ended up having to move away.

Anyone see Girl Gone?... .
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christoff522
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« Reply #21 on: October 15, 2014, 10:53:30 AM »

Just wondered why when they have moved on and are "in love" with our replacement why they have to still have their hooks in us and just get worse and worse and worse towards us.  Is it to make sure they never go back because we will hate them?

Because they miss us, but once we've been through the process, they know that it'll never be the same. So they keep us at arms length, but we try and push because we want it to go back to how it was, so they pull away. Sometimes they get nasty because we love them, and they hate that because it hurts them. So its push and pull. We trigger them so much that the only way they can go is colder and colder. They do care (at least some do). I asked her to stay away from me, and she's staying away so... .they do care, its just they have a weird way of showing it.
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Deeno02
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« Reply #22 on: October 15, 2014, 11:21:51 AM »

Just wondered why when they have moved on and are "in love" with our replacement why they have to still have their hooks in us and just get worse and worse and worse towards us.  Is it to make sure they never go back because we will hate them?

Because they miss us, but once we've been through the process, they know that it'll never be the same. So they keep us at arms length, but we try and push because we want it to go back to how it was, so they pull away. Sometimes they get nasty because we love them, and they hate that because it hurts them. So its push and pull. We trigger them so much that the only way they can go is colder and colder. They do care (at least some do). I asked her to stay away from me, and she's staying away so... .they do care, its just they have a weird way of showing it.

My BPDexgf has had nothing to do with me at all since the break up and being replaced. Its maddening that I have to be on guard because Im feaful she will try and rebound at some point. Feels like Im always looking over my shoulder, or apprehensive when I get a text... .sucks
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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #23 on: October 15, 2014, 11:47:40 AM »

My BPDexgf has had nothing to do with me at all since the break up and being replaced. Its maddening that I have to be on guard because Im feaful she will try and rebound at some point. Feels like Im always looking over my shoulder, or apprehensive when I get a text... .sucks

Better to take all the energy you're using to avoid her and channel it into making yourself stronger; we give a lot of power away in these relationships, and taking it back is a large part of healing.  Just think, if you make yourself strong, you might run into her one day and be shocked at how unattractive she is, and how pathetic she looks comparing herself to that healthy pretty girl on your arm.  And then you shall be free.
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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #24 on: October 15, 2014, 05:46:46 PM »

Well said, fromheeltoheal.  Taking the power back has been key to my healing.  As Nietzsche put it, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, which I find an apt description for life post-BPD.

Lucky Jim
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letmeout
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« Reply #25 on: October 16, 2014, 11:29:30 PM »

It takes time to heal, don't rush it. Maintain no contact and eventually you will not even remember her much. Well, I still remember how crazy my ex got and the crazy things he said, but I no longer hold my breath fearing he will pop back into my life.

I have learned enough to know that I would never let him pop back into my life!
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Deeno02
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« Reply #26 on: October 17, 2014, 06:32:18 AM »

Mine was so cold and business like, of course via text. No contact since then. Feeling of impending doom waiting for the other shoe to drop even though the replacement is in place.
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camuse
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« Reply #27 on: October 17, 2014, 06:39:13 AM »

Their ultimate instinct is to destroy you, that's the whole point. They need to take everything from you until there's nothing left, and then they toss you aside and move on. It's not personal, it's how they survive. You are like a milking cow to them, or maybe a chicken - kept alive purely for the purpose of extracting what you have, until you are no further use.
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Infared
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« Reply #28 on: October 17, 2014, 06:46:21 AM »

Mine was so cold and business like, of course via text. No contact since then. Feeling of impending doom waiting for the other shoe to drop even though the replacement is in place.

Deeno... .just feel lucky that you are having NC ... .any contact will be demeaning (emphasis on "mean" to you with the new supply in place. Try to just heal, and move on... .do whatever you can to put her out of your mind... .if there is contact it will most likely be abusive if she is BPD. And you will be the loser... if you are alone and vulnerable... .pwBPD get ENJOYMENT a out of sport crushing their exes, even when the ex was trusting, faithful and willing. Mine did the cruelest things that were planned in advance and her new supply paticipated... .it was soo 6th-grade but still very effective. Just try to take care of you and avoid any interaction... .They are really sick individuals.
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Deeno02
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« Reply #29 on: October 17, 2014, 06:54:25 AM »

Mine was so cold and business like, of course via text. No contact since then. Feeling of impending doom waiting for the other shoe to drop even though the replacement is in place.

Deeno... .just feel lucky that you are having NC ... .any contact will be demeaning (emphasis on "mean" to you with the new supply in place. Try to just heal, and move on... .do whatever you can to put her out of your mind... .if there is contact it will most likely be abusive if she is BPD. And you will be the loser... if you are alone and vulnerable... .pwBPD get ENJOYMENT a out of sport crushing their exes, even when the ex was trusting, faithful and willing. Mine did the cruelest things that were planned in advance and her new supply paticipated... .it was soo 6th-grade but still very effective. Just try to take care of you and avoid any interaction... .They are really sick individuals.

I dont have a choice. She coaches my sons Volleyball team, but Im for sure keeping my distance.
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