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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Why do they have to try and destroy you?  (Read 7096 times)
tim_tom
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« Reply #30 on: October 17, 2014, 06:56:19 AM »

Yeah... .I just could never understand why she was so vicious and mean after she lied to me and ran off with new supply ( as if I wasn't in enough pain already! ).  I think what they are doing is avoiding their selfish, sleazy behavior by attacking you like you harmed them or something... .so they make you into this phariah you never were to create drama and avoid facing THEIR horrific actions. It also illicits sympathy (she is playing victim by trashing me!), from the new unhealthy supply.

... .so ... .like everyone is saying... .underneath ALL of that there is some serious self-loathing going on with our exes.  ... .at least I think it is very probable. They may or may nor be totally conscious of it. I don't know what else could explain the behavior.

It wasn't "us".  I had to go to therapy to get to a place where I was not taking "her stuff" on.

F them!  *Hi! Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Yes, it's there way of self soothing... If you did something wrong, then they were justified in their actions. Rationalization.

Mine hasn't been that verbally abusive, just cold, matter of fact about how it was all my fault. I'd prefer name calling to be honest, she did call me an ahole on monday when I refused to comply with something she wanted, and it felt good
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saltysugar

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« Reply #31 on: October 17, 2014, 06:53:04 PM »

I am sitting here wondering the same thing. After being arrested for false imprisonment and eavesdropping (both felonies and very serious), after getting bonded out by some random girl (probably was cheating with her too!), he chooses to slander me on Facebook to anyone who will listen as well as contact my family to slander me more.  I get that it's to get attention, to get me to break NC, but it still hurts. Even now, I still feel the guilt he has embedded in my brain.  :'(
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letmeout
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« Reply #32 on: October 19, 2014, 01:23:48 AM »

he chooses to slander me on Facebook to anyone who will listen as well as contact my family to slander me more.  I get that it's to get attention, to get me to break NC, but it still hurts. Even now, I still feel the guilt he has embedded in my brain. 

Mine does the same thing, which just goes to show that some BPD folk are sicker than others; maybe they just have more personality disorders?
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peiper
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« Reply #33 on: October 19, 2014, 05:51:30 AM »

Mine did everything she could to hurt me. I think its to justify What they are thinking and doing.
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Take2
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« Reply #34 on: October 19, 2014, 05:57:27 AM »

Mine was so cold and business like, of course via text. No contact since then. Feeling of impending doom waiting for the other shoe to drop even though the replacement is in place.

Deeno... .just feel lucky that you are having NC ... .any contact will be demeaning (emphasis on "mean" to you with the new supply in place. Try to just heal, and move on... .do whatever you can to put her out of your mind... .if there is contact it will most likely be abusive if she is BPD. And you will be the loser... if you are alone and vulnerable... .pwBPD get ENJOYMENT a out of sport crushing their exes, even when the ex was trusting, faithful and willing. Mine did the cruelest things that were planned in advance and her new supply paticipated... .it was soo 6th-grade but still very effective. Just try to take care of you and avoid any interaction... .They are really sick individuals.

I'm going thru this these days.  Clearly my ex must have a replacement in place although he won't admit that.  I work with him and I believe because I continue to be visible in his life, the dynamic hasn't stopped.  I've been incredibly vulnerable lately because of unrelated factors and the ex is feeding off of it.  Laughing at me and hanging up on me as I sobbed on the phone.  Attacking me verbally in unbelievably abusive ways.  From the many posts on here that I've read, it does seem like some of us have been involved with significantly more abusive partners than others.  But yet I also wonder if somehow my r/s with my ex has led him to become so refined in his abuse because I am by far his longest on/off r/s.  I have allowed the horrible treatment as I never fully shut him out.  Maybe I'm wrong.  Maybe he has been this truly cruel in other r/s.  Who knows.  I am speechless though at the level of how cruel a human being can get.

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Blimblam
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« Reply #35 on: October 19, 2014, 06:04:16 AM »

Our false self become their prison as it is our own.

"You are a toy! You are a child's plaything!" - woody
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drummerboy
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« Reply #36 on: October 19, 2014, 06:10:47 AM »

I must have been very lucky. My ex did not do anything to purposely hurt me even though the NC cut deep. My peace is coming from the fact that I have no idea who she was, I don't know what was an act or what was the real thing. I suspect she has no idea who she is either, an empty emotional vessel. The whole r/s is taking on a dream/nightmare quality, yes it happened but it had almost no reality. I think of her as my little chimera.
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Infared
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« Reply #37 on: October 19, 2014, 07:01:30 AM »

I must have been very lucky. My ex did not do anything to purposely hurt me even though the NC cut deep. My peace is coming from the fact that I have no idea who she was, I don't know what was an act or what was the real thing. I suspect she has no idea who she is either, an empty emotional vessel. The whole r/s is taking on a dream/nightmare quality, yes it happened but it had almost no reality. I think of her as my little chimera.

chi·me·ra

kīˈmirə,kəˈmirə/

noun

1.

(in Greek mythology) a fire-breathing female monster with a lion's head, a goat's body, and a serpent's tail.

2.

a thing that is hoped or wished for but in fact is illusory or impossible to achieve.

Boy... .that definition works for me on a lot of levels! 
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letmeout
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« Reply #38 on: October 19, 2014, 09:30:59 AM »

1. (in Greek mythology) a fire-breathing female monster with a lion's head, a goat's body, and a serpent's tail.

2. a thing that is hoped or wished for but in fact is illusory or impossible to achieve.

Actually this brought me some comfort. Throughout history there have been people like this. Sometimes it felt like I was the only one specifically targeted by some screwball, when actually they target anyone who is susceptible. I was easy pickings due to my FOO and I think my greatest challenge is to not become the prey for another predator.  
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patientandclear
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« Reply #39 on: October 19, 2014, 11:09:35 AM »

I'm going thru this these days.  Clearly my ex must have a replacement in place although he won't admit that.  I work with him and I believe because I continue to be visible in his life, the dynamic hasn't stopped.  I've been incredibly vulnerable lately because of unrelated factors and the ex is feeding off of it.  Laughing at me and hanging up on me as I sobbed on the phone.  Attacking me verbally in unbelievably abusive ways.  From the many posts on here that I've read, it does seem like some of us have been involved with significantly more abusive partners than others.  But yet I also wonder if somehow my r/s with my ex has led him to become so refined in his abuse because I am by far his longest on/off r/s.  I have allowed the horrible treatment as I never fully shut him out.  Maybe I'm wrong.  Maybe he has been this truly cruel in other r/s.  Who knows.  I am speechless though at the level of how cruel a human being can get.

Take2 -- just sent you a PM.

P&C
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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #40 on: October 20, 2014, 02:49:31 PM »

I've been divorced from my BPDxW for 18 months and she's still trying to destroy me.  To what end?  Hard to say.  Like many w/BPD, she is a slave to her emotions and one of those emotions is intense anger towards me.  Why?  Because I tried hard to be a kind and loving spouse, to no avail.

Lucky Jim
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
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Take2
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« Reply #41 on: October 20, 2014, 03:43:50 PM »

I've been divorced from my BPDxW for 18 months and she's still trying to destroy me.  To what end?  Hard to say.  Like many w/BPD, she is a slave to her emotions and one of those emotions is intense anger towards me.  Why?  Because I tried hard to be a kind and loving spouse, to no avail.

Lucky Jim

Jim... .What are the circumstances that cause her to continue to do this to you?
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Blimblam
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« Reply #42 on: October 20, 2014, 04:21:06 PM »

When I think back my exs friend is a npd/BPD queen which I believe to be the female version of an almost sociopath. She put a lot of word and manipulations in my exs mouth to hurt me. From the very begining her friend made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. What I realize now is as my ex turned to others for identity she turned to genuinely bad people and took on part of their identity and parroted back to me. Being so deep in the fog it bewildered me.
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Artisan
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« Reply #43 on: October 20, 2014, 07:17:51 PM »

IMO no matter how it may look or feel to us, their motives and actions are directly related to their own internal state and have very little, if anything to do with us.

If words were guns, their motive and actions that directly relate to their own internal state, still injure and kill whomever their weapon is pointed at.

Knowing that its their stuff and not mine only goes so far for me.

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letmeout
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« Reply #44 on: October 23, 2014, 12:08:00 AM »

 
I've been divorced from my BPDxW for 18 months and she's still trying to destroy me.    

The good old smear campaign that comes out through their dysfunctional thoughts. I hear that mine does it to this day, and I have been NC for 3 years.

Want to hear something funny? I walked right past him at a downtown festival last month, he looked right through me and didn't recognize me.

I think his continuing smear campaign doesn't even have anything to do with me anymore! Could it be just an obsessive compulsion to have something to say to convince himself, and others, that its not his fault he's miserable inside? 

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Blimblam
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« Reply #45 on: October 23, 2014, 12:15:10 AM »

They destroy you because they seek the forgiveness they can not find themselves.

True forgiveness is love.
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merlin4926
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« Reply #46 on: October 23, 2014, 01:51:07 AM »

They destroy you because they seek the forgiveness they can not find themselves.

True forgiveness is love.

Sorry blimblam I can't quite get my head round this. Could you explain please
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Take2
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« Reply #47 on: October 23, 2014, 06:42:56 AM »

I think his continuing smear campaign doesn't even have anything to do with me anymore! Could it be just an obsessive compulsion to have something to say to convince himself, and others, that its not his fault he's miserable inside? 

It was never about you... .  or us... .  and always about their need to make themselves feel better.  If we are the ones who are so awful, then it couldn't have been them.  Truly a sad disorder.
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Infared
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« Reply #48 on: October 23, 2014, 07:52:26 AM »

I think his continuing smear campaign doesn't even have anything to do with me anymore! Could it be just an obsessive compulsion to have something to say to convince himself, and others, that its not his fault he's miserable inside?

It was never about you... . or us... . and always about their need to make themselves feel better.  If we are the ones who are so awful, then it couldn't have been them.  Truly a sad disorder.

That is why absolute NC is so wonderful... .the main reason is to protect us from further harm by an angry, selfish, hurtful , person... .The added bonus is that it makes them crazy because they have no control and are left to sit with themselves in that moment of their attempt. Think about it... .they have new supply and they STILL need to bat us around like a cat with a full belly that still catches a mouse, kills it and then bats it around for fun.

It always was all about them. No loss.

For all I have been through, I would be lying if I said that I did not get a tiny bit of enjoyment at that thought.  

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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #49 on: October 23, 2014, 10:26:35 AM »

Hey Take2,

The ongoing attempts by my BPDxW to destroy me are twofold:

1.  She initiated post-divorce legal proceedings against me this year, which are still ongoing, despite a court hearing last Summer; and

2.  She uses our children as her proxies to carry her anger towards me, with the result that they are brainwashed, send me hate mail and decline to see me for fear of triggering her.

As for why, or what causes her abusive behavior, is part of the mystery of BPD that is difficult to fathom.  It's painful, but I can't and won't let her break me.  Over time, the kids will come around.

Lucky Jim
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
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Take2
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« Reply #50 on: October 23, 2014, 01:19:00 PM »

Hey Take2,

The ongoing attempts by my BPDxW to destroy me are twofold:

1.  She initiated post-divorce legal proceedings against me this year, which are still ongoing, despite a court hearing last Summer; and

2.  She uses our children as her proxies to carry her anger towards me, with the result that they are brainwashed, send me hate mail and decline to see me for fear of triggering her.

As for why, or what causes her abusive behavior, is part of the mystery of BPD that is difficult to fathom.  It's painful, but I can't and won't let her break me.  Over time, the kids will come around.

Lucky Jim

Okay - I was curious if you were still visible in her life in some way - it seems like (at least in my world) that being visible (at work) in my ex's world cause unending attempts to destroy my world.  Although it does sound that others continue to experience and they aren't visible at all in their ex's world.

Their need to make us the bad guy so that they can be the good guys are huge. 

I'm so sorry that you are going thru it.  Good for you for being strong.  It pains me to think of your kids being used in this way... .  truly so sad... .  for all of you. 
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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #51 on: October 23, 2014, 03:05:48 PM »

Thanks, Take2.  No, my Ex and I are LC, so I keep a low profile in her life.  I had to put up boundaries as she was constantly hectoring and haranguing me via telephone and email after we separated.  So LJ is LC w/my BPDxW!

Excerpt
It was never about you... .  or us... .  and always about their need to make themselves feel better.  If we are the ones who are so awful, then it couldn't have been them.  Truly a sad disorder.

You put that well.

Lucky Jim
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
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Tater tot
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« Reply #52 on: October 23, 2014, 04:03:23 PM »

Just wondered why when they have moved on and are "in love" with our replacement why they have to still have their hooks in us and just get worse and worse and worse towards us.  Is it to make sure they never go back because we will hate them?

Because they miss us, but once we've been through the process, they know that it'll never be the same. So they keep us at arms length, but we try and push because we want it to go back to how it was, so they pull away. Sometimes they get nasty because we love them, and they hate that because it hurts them. So its push and pull. We trigger them so much that the only way they can go is colder and colder. They do care (at least some do). I asked her to stay away from me, and she's staying away so... .they do care, its just they have a weird way of showing it.

I have to agree with this. I'm thankful that my expwBPD wasn't hateful towards me at the end, although I lot of times I wish he was, as it would have been easier to walk away. I think that in his own way, he did care about me, and released me before I saw the true extent of the disorder. He said "I'd rather hurt you now, than risk hurting you six months from now and loosing you forever". However, not knowing about BPD at the time I couldn't wrap my head around someone whose emotions flip on and off like a switch, it didn't make sense. I pushed for explanation and the less I got in return from him the more I confused and hurt and eventually angry I got. Because they can't deal with emotions and are maladaptive in coping- the lack of validation or even acknowledgement just pushed me to the edge, eventually hating him, thus ending like every relationship he's ever had. In retrospect I think he was trying to protect me because he did care, however the end was just as explosive as I'm sure each of his previous relationships, i.e. me hating him and he being the victim of some crazy shrew.
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Tater tot
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« Reply #53 on: October 23, 2014, 04:10:05 PM »

It was never about you... .  or us... .  and always about their need to make themselves feel better.  If we are the ones who are so awful, then it couldn't have been them.  Truly a sad disorder.

True. Five months out of my relationship and I'm still processing it with my therapist. I'm so grateful to him, that he said the following things to me: 1) your relationship with him, was never about you, it was always about him 2) he has an attachment disorder, he will never have a healthy or longterm relationship and he will never be happy 3) and yes it is extremely sad that he will live on the fringe of society not being able to connect with others, but that is his reality, not yours.

It really allowed me to release the guilt and blame that I felt; that I had caused him to lash out at me, or not love me, or me not be good enough. And that is empowering.

At the end of the day- the relationship is never about us, and the breakup is also never about us. It's always them.
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