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Author Topic: Okay, trying the being friends thing  (Read 1365 times)
kc sunshine
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« on: October 15, 2014, 11:43:39 AM »

Let's see how it goes! What have been your experiences with trying to be friends with your BPD ex? So far it has been okay, but a couple of red flag things that I have noticed are:

1) it is all centered on her and her need for support/talking etc

2) every once in a while she slips in a devaluing comment-- right now I'm doing okay with depersonalizing it but we'll see

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clydegriffith
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« Reply #1 on: October 15, 2014, 11:50:00 AM »

I have to stay somewhat in contact with my BPDx but i wouldnt say we're friends. Whenever we talk i just let her do the talking while i do my best to hold my tounge.
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« Reply #2 on: October 15, 2014, 11:50:31 AM »

1) it is all centered on her and her need for support/talking etc Narcissim

2) every once in a while she slips in a devaluing comment-- right now I'm doing okay with depersonalizing it but we'll see

What sort of things is she saying that are devaluing? Is she being waifish?

I'm the same clydegriffith. I'm not friends with my ex, she is the mother of my kids. I don't talk anything personal with her.
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« Reply #3 on: October 15, 2014, 12:12:55 PM »

It was like all the different energies I saw in the relationship but in fast foreward.  Overall very painfull.
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« Reply #4 on: October 15, 2014, 12:18:54 PM »

Friendship doesn't work in my opinion. They suck you dry, even when you thought they've done it all, they still manage to suck that bit more out of you.
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tim_tom
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« Reply #5 on: October 15, 2014, 12:30:28 PM »

Not to be rude... But why would you want to be friends? These are horribly self centered and manipulative people. I'd rather be friend a snake
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AlwaysForgiving

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« Reply #6 on: October 15, 2014, 12:32:29 PM »

Let's see how it goes! What have been your experiences with trying to be friends with your BPD ex? So far it has been okay, but a couple of red flag things that I have noticed are:

1) it is all centered on her and her need for support/talking etc

2) every once in a while she slips in a devaluing comment-- right now I'm doing okay with depersonalizing it but we'll see

Question: Does your ex currently have a bf or gf?

The only time I was somewhat friends with my ex is when she was between supplies. As soon as she got involved with someone else, I was completely shut out.  So, be aware of that... .

And yes, all our conversations were centered around her... .she would ask for advice for dealing with her last bf and totally oblivious to how that may make me feel. She would also find ways to randomly bring up a sexual moment we had or say things like how she's skinnier now than when we were together... .basically would say things to rile me up so she could see if I still wanted her.

So, most likely this friendship thing will come back to bite you... .that's just the way they operate.
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clydegriffith
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« Reply #7 on: October 15, 2014, 12:52:01 PM »

You should tread very carefully when it comes to any friendship. BPDs are highly sexual and she will use that to try and get what she wants which right now may be you. Emphasis on the words "right now". Do not feel flattered or tempted or think she's changed. It will only lead to more pain sooner rather than later. Stay away.

I'm not proud to say that i was lured into taking my BPDx numerous times with crazy sex. It's not worth it.
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Rifka
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« Reply #8 on: October 15, 2014, 12:59:00 PM »

Hey KC,

I was curious if the walking on eggshells again is in full force again with a friendship only.

Do you feel you can be who you are and say what you want about general things?

If I decided to be friends with my exBPDbf, I know I would have to give up being me again and watch my every word again, hide my happiness, hide anything that I know would trigger him.

None of my friends have ever made me feel like that.

That's not a friendship on my terms, for myself.

Are you compromising anything of yourself to have any type of friendship or any type of relationship with her?

Please tread carefully!

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« Reply #9 on: October 15, 2014, 01:06:53 PM »

My experience of being friends after the b/u was very similar to most here.

It was probably worse, more damaging and more weird than the actual r/s, and that's saying something.

We tried being friends for 2 months, but it was just awful. We met very regularly, she still said she loved me and couldn't bear to lose me, but each time we met she would remind me how it was all my fault, I had ruined everything, etc etc. I still needed answers, but there were none, and she never apologised or accepted any responsibility. Sometimes she seemed to be enjoying my misery. Whenever I felt a bit better, she got upset, and actually admitted she didn't like seeing me doing better and hated herself for it. She said we could get back together in the future, and gloated about exes who would have her back in an instant. She constantly asked if I was dating anyone new and said she couldn't imagine doing so for years - she still wanted to check my phone to be sure.

After a few weeks, I began to realise I was being strung along here - there were signs of a replacement being groomed, and I started paying close attention to small things - I noticed tiny lies about unimportant things, and realised I had probably swallowed a lot of nonsense from her and was doing so now. We spent a weekend together which was amazing, just like the first idealisation stage, but after sex she wasn't emotional. After that weekend I met her and she had changed totally - she went cold, totally distant. I told her I didn't think we could be friends, and she was distraught. I realised I was being prepared for being cut off as soon as she was ready. I decided for once to take control, to have the final say, and I went NC without notice. She was in a relationship 3 days later. I think I was very lucky to go NC before she was quite ready to go ghost on me. We have never spoken since.


Be very careful - these people see you like they see a can of soda. They drink you dry until they are done, and discard you like trash without a second thought. They don't see you as a person with feelings. Please think hard about how you will feel when she goes NC on you because she has finished setting up the next victim. If I were you I'd consider taking that small final bit of control and being the one to go NC - because she will do it to you when she is ready, and it will hurt like you cannot fathom.
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Whiteytheox72
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« Reply #10 on: October 15, 2014, 01:34:49 PM »

DO NOT DO IT! I have lost the last two years of my life being fed table scraps and being drained dry emotionally. You will just become an emotional tampon. Walk away NC with your strength and dignity before its too late. Im speaking from being a friend to the most repulsive vile manipulative incestuous devil behind blue eyes woman since the relationship ceased in june of 2012. Have respect for yourself. What we view as friends is in no way shape or form how they view friendship.  Let her rot in her own self created hell. There are plenty of swinging dicks out there more than willing to fill her "void". You are worth far far far more. Im speaking as a broken devistated fool of a man who tried to be a friend here. DONT DO IT!
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« Reply #11 on: October 15, 2014, 02:05:55 PM »

Whitey summed it up better than me Smiling (click to insert in post)

I really think being friends can be even worse than being in a r/s with them. They throw crumbs at you, while removing the sex and affection. They lie, use, devalue you, whatever keeps you panting along like a sad puppy.

They have ZERO interest in you or your feelings. Mine wouldn't even let me use her toilet after picking her up when her friend didn't show. Said it would be weird. More like there was evidence of another guy in the house. That was the final moment of clarity, when I sat in my car and thought "what the hell are you doing man, what has happened to you." I realised I was simply being added to the long list of losers discarded but still putting their lives on hold in the pathetic hope she would give them something again one day.

You are man, take this one last chance to salvage your dignity and self respect. Her only aim is to totally destroy you then throw you away. Don't let her - be the one who, in the end, abandons her. Mine told a mutual friend she was destroyed by me going NC. Screw her. The bad part of me is pleased that at the end it was her left high and dry, feeling finally some of the misery she inflicted on me for so long.

Mine didn't even have any friends. Friendship is reciprocal and that didn't suit her.

Think about it, and then go NC - do not explain, just block her in every way and get on with your life. Life is short, do not let her waste one more moment of your time and energy.
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Blimblam
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« Reply #12 on: October 15, 2014, 02:14:57 PM »

Some good posts here I think I need to save and look at every single time I think about being friends with my ex. I agree it was like devaluation but even worst.  Like a kid with a magnifying glass killing bugs just sadistic.

What u think it is that they don't respect you because you didn't abandon them. You have to abandon them. They need you to abandon them for anything to make sense.
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tim_tom
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« Reply #13 on: October 15, 2014, 02:18:24 PM »

Let's see how it goes! What have been your experiences with trying to be friends with your BPD ex? So far it has been okay, but a couple of red flag things that I have noticed are:

1) it is all centered on her and her need for support/talking etc

2) every once in a while she slips in a devaluing comment-- right now I'm doing okay with depersonalizing it but we'll see

Weren't you the guy who had thrown everything away, blocked her number and were 5 days NC?
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tim_tom
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« Reply #14 on: October 15, 2014, 02:19:47 PM »

DO NOT DO IT! I have lost the last two years of my life being fed table scraps and being drained dry emotionally. You will just become an emotional tampon. Walk away NC with your strength and dignity before its too late. Im speaking from being a friend to the most repulsive vile manipulative incestuous devil behind blue eyes woman since the relationship ceased in june of 2012. Have respect for yourself. What we view as friends is in no way shape or form how they view friendship.  Let her rot in her own self created hell. There are plenty of swinging dicks out there more than willing to fill her "void". You are worth far far far more. Im speaking as a broken devistated fool of a man who tried to be a friend here. DONT DO IT!

This this this...

Why be friends with someone who isn't relationship worthy... of any kind...

Do you want to hear about her new boyfriend and how great he is? Cause you will
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« Reply #15 on: October 15, 2014, 03:12:19 PM »

All of the points made by the prior posters are all 100% valid IMHO.

A one sided friendship is not even a friendship at all. In fact, I consider trying to be friends with a BPD an even more degrading experience for us than being in the relationship if that is even possible.  For the record, I fled from my exBPDgf like a rat off of a sinking ship after I learned what I was up against.  Instead of wasting my time on her, I went out and met another set of real friends and acquaintances that have led to an array of healthy and fun experiences over the past few years.  I also have extremely close friendship with a former ex, but I would never grant that privilege to a toxic sociopath like a BPD.
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Infern0
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« Reply #16 on: October 15, 2014, 03:24:47 PM »

To play devils advocate somewhat. ... .

If you are going to try the friends thing,  then try it.

But it has to be a case of shields up, red alert.  That klaxon is going on in my head constantly.

DON'T let them drain you.

You must have reached a certain level of emotional detachment in order for it to work.  Be aware that they might gap it at any moment.

It's not a real friendship is it, you have to be slightly devious yourself.

Also establish boundaries.  I told mine I'm not hearing about my replacement and incredibly she's respected that.  If she starts talking about him I'll just hang up and block her for a few days.

firm but fair. Have some balls on you and just don't tolerate the crap.

Some of them are conditionable to an extent. If you tell them no and stick to it they can learn

Anyway see how it goes but do not revolve your life around them.

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fred6
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« Reply #17 on: October 15, 2014, 03:30:18 PM »

To play devils advocate somewhat. ... .

If you are going to try the friends thing,  then try it.

But it has to be a case of shields up, red alert.  That klaxon is going on in my head constantly.

DON'T let them drain you.

You must have reached a certain level of emotional detachment in order for it to work.  Be aware that they might gap it at any moment.

It's not a real friendship is it, you have to be slightly devious yourself.

Also establish boundaries.  I told mine I'm not hearing about my replacement and incredibly she's respected that.  If she starts talking about him I'll just hang up and block her for a few days.

firm but fair. Have some balls on you and just don't tolerate the crap.

Some of them are conditionable to an extent. If you tell them no and stick to it they can learn

Anyway see how it goes but do not revolve your life around them.

Not sure about the OP, but I'm too weak, I don't think that I could do that. I don't need a friend that looks exactly like the woman that I love. Recipe for disaster!
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« Reply #18 on: October 15, 2014, 03:31:17 PM »

To play devils advocate somewhat. ... .

If you are going to try the friends thing,  then try it.

But it has to be a case of shields up, red alert.  That klaxon is going on in my head constantly.

DON'T let them drain you.

You must have reached a certain level of emotional detachment in order for it to work.  Be aware that they might gap it at any moment.

It's not a real friendship is it, you have to be slightly devious yourself.

Also establish boundaries.  I told mine I'm not hearing about my replacement and incredibly she's respected that.  If she starts talking about him I'll just hang up and block her for a few days.

firm but fair. Have some balls on you and just don't tolerate the crap.

Some of them are conditionable to an extent. If you tell them no and stick to it they can learn

Anyway see how it goes but do not revolve your life around them.

Yeah it's possible but the level of detachment you have to get to is like conditioning yourself into an overt narcissist

Unless you have done the healing of getting over the girl which is something to be measured in years if you opened your heart completely
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neverloveagain
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« Reply #19 on: October 15, 2014, 03:55:54 PM »

How many times will you fall through the glass before you learn? Me twice never again the end is always the same.
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« Reply #20 on: October 15, 2014, 04:14:23 PM »

I'm friends with a couple of exes, it's fine. I would never ever speak to my BPD ex again.

Really, when people on here ask if they should be friends with the ex that degraded, humiliated, abused, devalued and ruined them, it's a good chance to save someone - from being ruined all over again, in a way that I think is actually worse.

Why would you want to be friends with someone who couldn't care less about you? Don't do it.
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FoolishMan
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« Reply #21 on: October 15, 2014, 04:23:28 PM »

My experience of being friends after the b/u was very similar to most here.

It was probably worse, more damaging and more weird than the actual r/s, and that's saying something.

We tried being friends for 2 months, but it was just awful. We met very regularly, she still said she loved me and couldn't bear to lose me, but each time we met she would remind me how it was all my fault, I had ruined everything, etc etc. I still needed answers, but there were none, and she never apologised or accepted any responsibility. Sometimes she seemed to be enjoying my misery. Whenever I felt a bit better, she got upset, and actually admitted she didn't like seeing me doing better and hated herself for it. She said we could get back together in the future, and gloated about exes who would have her back in an instant. She constantly asked if I was dating anyone new and said she couldn't imagine doing so for years - she still wanted to check my phone to be sure.

After a few weeks, I began to realise I was being strung along here - there were signs of a replacement being groomed, and I started paying close attention to small things - I noticed tiny lies about unimportant things, and realised I had probably swallowed a lot of nonsense from her and was doing so now. We spent a weekend together which was amazing, just like the first idealisation stage, but after sex she wasn't emotional. After that weekend I met her and she had changed totally - she went cold, totally distant. I told her I didn't think we could be friends, and she was distraught. I realised I was being prepared for being cut off as soon as she was ready. I decided for once to take control, to have the final say, and I went NC without notice. She was in a relationship 3 days later. I think I was very lucky to go NC before she was quite ready to go ghost on me. We have never spoken since.


Be very careful - these people see you like they see a can of soda. They drink you dry until they are done, and discard you like trash without a second thought. They don't see you as a person with feelings. Please think hard about how you will feel when she goes NC on you because she has finished setting up the next victim. If I were you I'd consider taking that small final bit of control and being the one to go NC - because she will do it to you when she is ready, and it will hurt like you cannot fathom.

You consistently give great advice in your posts and have been a big help to me during my months of hell. Thank you.
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camuse
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« Reply #22 on: October 15, 2014, 04:28:24 PM »

My experience of being friends after the b/u was very similar to most here.

It was probably worse, more damaging and more weird than the actual r/s, and that's saying something.

We tried being friends for 2 months, but it was just awful. We met very regularly, she still said she loved me and couldn't bear to lose me, but each time we met she would remind me how it was all my fault, I had ruined everything, etc etc. I still needed answers, but there were none, and she never apologised or accepted any responsibility. Sometimes she seemed to be enjoying my misery. Whenever I felt a bit better, she got upset, and actually admitted she didn't like seeing me doing better and hated herself for it. She said we could get back together in the future, and gloated about exes who would have her back in an instant. She constantly asked if I was dating anyone new and said she couldn't imagine doing so for years - she still wanted to check my phone to be sure.

After a few weeks, I began to realise I was being strung along here - there were signs of a replacement being groomed, and I started paying close attention to small things - I noticed tiny lies about unimportant things, and realised I had probably swallowed a lot of nonsense from her and was doing so now. We spent a weekend together which was amazing, just like the first idealisation stage, but after sex she wasn't emotional. After that weekend I met her and she had changed totally - she went cold, totally distant. I told her I didn't think we could be friends, and she was distraught. I realised I was being prepared for being cut off as soon as she was ready. I decided for once to take control, to have the final say, and I went NC without notice. She was in a relationship 3 days later. I think I was very lucky to go NC before she was quite ready to go ghost on me. We have never spoken since.


Be very careful - these people see you like they see a can of soda. They drink you dry until they are done, and discard you like trash without a second thought. They don't see you as a person with feelings. Please think hard about how you will feel when she goes NC on you because she has finished setting up the next victim. If I were you I'd consider taking that small final bit of control and being the one to go NC - because she will do it to you when she is ready, and it will hurt like you cannot fathom.

You consistently give great advice in your posts and have been a big help to me during my months of hell. Thank you.

Thank you!

That has made my day   genuinely Smiling (click to insert in post)
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FoolishMan
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« Reply #23 on: October 15, 2014, 04:41:57 PM »

Our 'story' is so similar to be eerie, although I notice it a lot here! Really honestly thanks and keep posting and of course enjoying your life.
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« Reply #24 on: October 15, 2014, 04:56:20 PM »

Some great posts in this thread. My overriding memory of my ex is how self absorbed she was, almost every word out of her mouth was about herself. I never really felt that she cared about anyone but her own sad, self created crisis little life. So a friendship with a BPD would consist of being nothing more than someone to listen to her constant drivel. I know mine would never be interested in finding out how I'm doing like a real friend does.

After we split up I noticed that when I talked to my old friends they actually asked me about me, something my ex never did, everything was always about her. It would be the same if we tried to be friends so naaaah!
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mywifecrazy
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« Reply #25 on: October 15, 2014, 05:14:44 PM »

Tried to do the friend thing post breakup first on a fake reconciliation attempt (real by me/fake by her) then during divorce proceedings. She was lying and manipulating all along the way. It makes me sick to think of how she acted. Even now when I break no contact (we have kids) I catch her lying all the time. Even lying and manipulating our kids and her own mother.

Friends with that? No Flipping way!

MWC... .Being cool (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #26 on: October 15, 2014, 05:24:20 PM »

Be very careful - these people see you like they see a can of soda. They drink you dry until they are done, and discard you like trash without a second thought. They don't see you as a person with feelings. Please think hard about how you will feel when she goes NC on you because she has finished setting up the next victim. If I were you I'd consider taking that small final bit of control and being the one to go NC - because she will do it to you when she is ready, and it will hurt like you cannot fathom.

Same exact story, tried for two monthe to get closure and try to figure out how to be friends and it was 2 months of hell. It is not possible to be friends with them. During one of her baseless screaming matches, I flipped and said I'm done,  I want her out of my life and we can never be friends. Hung up.  3 weeks ago,  complete NC since.  I left her before she could get her final hurtful action with me,  knowing that makes me stronger everyday.  I read it somewhere on here before, but imagine being friends with her without the sex?  Misery.  Because that idealized wonderful they were was long gone near the end anyway.  
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« Reply #27 on: October 15, 2014, 05:33:27 PM »

Your dog dies. Do you keep it?
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« Reply #28 on: October 15, 2014, 06:11:53 PM »

Some great posts in this thread. My overriding memory of my ex is how self absorbed she was, almost every word out of her mouth was about herself. I never really felt that she cared about anyone but her own sad, self created crisis little life. So a friendship with a BPD would consist of being nothing more than someone to listen to her constant drivel. I know mine would never be interested in finding out how I'm doing like a real friend does.

After we split up I noticed that when I talked to my old friends they actually asked me about me, something my ex never did, everything was always about her. It would be the same if we tried to be friends so naaaah!

This was one of my moments of clarity during NC. I tried to think of when she had shown any concern for or interest in me, and was shocked to realise there were none!

Her interest in me was limited to ensuring I was isolated from other women.

Whenever I had something to say, she always had a bigger crisis which meant I couldn't discuss my issue. The crisis was normally forgotten about the next day.

These people are totally self-absorbed - they have no choice, so great is their pain.

Since then I've been able to spot the same trait in a couple of "friends" and have stopped bothering with them. Which feels good!
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« Reply #29 on: October 15, 2014, 06:38:39 PM »

Some great posts in this thread. My overriding memory of my ex is how self absorbed she was, almost every word out of her mouth was about herself. I never really felt that she cared about anyone but her own sad, self created crisis little life. So a friendship with a BPD would consist of being nothing more than someone to listen to her constant drivel. I know mine would never be interested in finding out how I'm doing like a real friend does.

After we split up I noticed that when I talked to my old friends they actually asked me about me, something my ex never did, everything was always about her. It would be the same if we tried to be friends so naaaah!

This was one of my moments of clarity during NC. I tried to think of when she had shown any concern for or interest in me, and was shocked to realise there were none!

Her interest in me was limited to ensuring I was isolated from other women.

Whenever I had something to say, she always had a bigger crisis which meant I couldn't discuss my issue. The crisis was normally forgotten about the next day.

These people are totally self-absorbed - they have no choice, so great is their pain.

Since then I've been able to spot the same trait in a couple of "friends" and have stopped bothering with them. Which feels good!

This might have been the case with your BPD ex but not with mine. Early on and somewhat into devaluing my ex was extremely considerate and sentimental to the point it brought me to tears. If you think back to earlier in the rs perhaps the idealizing and clinger phases you may remember moments like this yourself.

The fog makes it difficult to see the whole picture and we ourselves tend to fall into black or white thinking when recounting the rs.

I can only speak for my rs on this matter but we have to remember it may come down to every pwBPD is different and every rs was unique.
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We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



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