21 Days NC, 34 days post break up

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Journal: Feeling pretty alone today. Trying to combat my feelings for her and Im not sure why this is so harsh to do considering she's a bad person. With my wife and the divorce, I felt betrayed. With my exGF, I feel so rejected, unloved, not needed or only needed on her terms, my love unreturned. Cant make any sense of it. Nothing tangable left to feel. A year and a half with only 7-9 months of it worthwhile. The rest of it seems like it was going through the motions. Maybe she should have dumped me in May when she wanted to. Maybe I shouldnt have tried so hard, but being alone is harsh and I dont like it at all. Not sure why Im so broken over this when all she did was overall treat me bad. And my daughter, shattered by this woman she looked up to more than her own mother. I can say I gave 100% to this relationship as I know a relationship should be. However, it seemed like my 100% to me, was perhaps only 60% in her eyes. Not sure I could have given anymore than I could, as towards the end I was getting burnt out trying to mind read, make myself available at her beck and call, unfairly chastized when I didnt drop everything to "treat her special or else", allowed myself to be abused. Should have walked when she called by daughter a cock block and then asked me if I had a problem with that. I stayed silent. Should have bailed when she called me a liar over her sons football practice event. Should have walked when she showed jealousy over my kids. Should have pulled away when she began removing be from her life by cutting me out from helping her. Should have pulled away when she started with holding affection from me... I saw it happening, minimal hand holding, not hugging me, not allowing me to kiss her, cutting my daughter out of her life ever so slowly. What a fool Ive been. But yet Im still in love with her... .Im doomed, but slowly getting there.

[Deeno02]

Journal: Feeling pretty alone today. Trying to combat my feelings for her and Im not sure why this is so harsh to do considering she's a bad person. With my wife and the divorce, I felt betrayed. With my exGF, I feel so rejected, unloved, not needed or only needed on her terms, my love unreturned. Cant make any sense of it. Nothing tangable left to feel. A year and a half with only 7-9 months of it worthwhile. The rest of it seems like it was going through the motions. Maybe she should have dumped me in May when she wanted to. Maybe I shouldnt have tried so hard, but being alone is harsh and I dont like it at all. Not sure why Im so broken over this when all she did was overall treat me bad. And my daughter, shattered by this woman she looked up to more than her own mother. I can say I gave 100% to this relationship as I know a relationship should be. However, it seemed like my 100% to me, was perhaps only 60% in her eyes. Not sure I could have given anymore than I could, as towards the end I was getting burnt out trying to mind read, make myself available at her beck and call, unfairly chastized when I didnt drop everything to "treat her special or else", allowed myself to be abused. Should have walked when she called by daughter a cock block and then asked me if I had a problem with that. I stayed silent. Should have bailed when she called me a liar over her sons football practice event. Should have walked when she showed jealousy over my kids. Should have pulled away when she began removing be from her life by cutting me out from helping her. Should have pulled away when she started with holding affection from me... I saw it happening, minimal hand holding, not hugging me, not allowing me to kiss her, cutting my daughter out of her life ever so slowly. What a fool Ive been. But yet Im still in love with her... .Im doomed, but slowly getting there.

[BrokenFamily]

I read this quote the other day, hope it helps: "If someone treats you like ___, just remember: There is something wrong with them not you, Normal people don't go around destroying others." If you are willingly allow someone to make you feel bad, betrayed, worthless, rejected and unloved, you are are not being responsible and protecting your own feelings. I hate do be blunt because I know I've done it and still do it but YOU and only YOU are allowing yourself to feel hurt, until you realize that you'll continue to be sad.     

[Deeno02]

I read this quote the other day, hope it helps: "If someone treats you like ___, just remember: There is something wrong with them not you, Normal people don't go around destroying others." If you are willingly allow someone to make you feel bad, betrayed, worthless, rejected and unloved, you are are not being responsible and protecting your own feelings. I hate do be blunt because I know I've done it and still do it but YOU and only YOU are allowing yourself to feel hurt, until you realize that you'll continue to be sad.     

Broken,

I know what your saying. I think its harder for me at my age (51) to recover from this because I dont want to be alone. At 25, I would have told the girl to pack sand and on the the next one, but that gets harder at 51. I tolerated alot because I didnt want to be alone. I knew things were wrong, but I did nothing, said nothing. I know I allowed it to happen. I was scared to lose her, still scared to be alone.

[Mutt]

Hi Deeno02,

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling lonely today. I recall feeling isolated and ruminating in the early stages of detachment and no contact. Things are still raw for you.

Do you think that you're being hard on yourself with things that you think you didn't do or say?

You may be judging yourself harsher and treating yourself worse than how you would treat another person? You're struggling and that's OK. In a perfect world, we would always know the exact thing to think and act.

What does forgiving yourself look like to you?

[Deeno02]

Hi Deeno02,

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling lonely today. I recall feeling isolated and ruminating in the early stages of detachment and no contact. Things are still raw for you.

Do you think that you're being hard on yourself with things that you think you didn't do or say?

You may be judging yourself harsher and treating yourself worse than how you would treat another person? You're struggling and that's OK. In a perfect world, we would always know the exact thing to think and act.

What does forgiving yourself look like to you?

I honestly dont know Mutt about forgiving myself. Its my kids as well. They are broken by this as well and I think thats where my guilt and being hard on myself comes from. They bought into her act as well. I didnt do anything to protect them from her, especially as she said harsh things about my daughter. I didnt say a word. I have to live with that. I cant fix my EX BPD girl friend, but I should have fought back. Instead I was emasculated for her enjoyment.

[Mutt]

I've read enough of your posts. You feel guilt.

Let's look at this two ways. You know her better than anyone else on the boards.

Did she have a history with trying to push your buttons?

What were you feeling at the time? What was the hesitation?

[Deeno02]

I've read enough of your posts. You feel guilt.

Let's look at this two ways. You know her better than anyone else on the boards.

Did she have a history with trying to push your buttons?

What were you feeling at the time? What was the hesitation?

Yeah, she did. Snarky comments, but I didnt engage. If I did, it was so watered down as to what to say, it came out like a squeak versus a roar. Never set boundries. Afraid she would leave me, so I played along

[Mutt]

Yeah, she did. Snarky comments, but I didnt engage. If I did, it was so watered down as to what to say, it came out like a squeak versus a roar. Never set boundries. Afraid she would leave me, so I played along

Were you trying to keep the peace around the house for the kids?

[Deeno02]

Yeah, she did. Snarky comments, but I didnt engage. If I did, it was so watered down as to what to say, it came out like a squeak versus a roar. Never set boundries. Afraid she would leave me, so I played along

Were you trying to keep the peace around the house?

We didnt live together thank god, but yeah. Her life was chaos with 5 kids and a hectic schedule so last thing needed was her and I to argue, even though I would get yelled at the the simplest things, in front of her and my kids. I took it all in, shrug it off, or offer a comical response or watered down retort. Not sure if it was testing me or looking for a fight with which to finally dump me.

[Mutt]

I took it all in, shrug it off, or offer a comical response or watered down retort.

Is it conflict that bothers you?

[Deeno02]

I took it all in, shrug it off, or offer a comical response or watered down retort.

Is it conflict that bothers you?

Yeah and fear she would dump me. Treat me special or lose me. Common threat of hers, so I played along

[Mutt]

She hurt my daughter by calling her a cock block and calling my daughter my wife.

Deeno02,

You're gf was jealous of the attention that you give to your daughter. How healthy is that?

She wanted the attention for herself. Her feelings, her actions, her insecurities, her dysfunction.

She's the one that denigrated your daughter. Not you. You froze.

Can you forgive yourself? We're all human and don't always know how to react.

[Deeno02]

She hurt my daughter by calling her a cock block and calling my daughter my wife.

Deeno02,

You're gf was jealous of the attention that you give to your daughter. How healthy is that?

She wanted the attention for herself. Her feelings, her actions, her insecurities, her dysfunction.

She's the one that denigrated your daughter. Not you. You froze.

Can you forgive yourself? We're all human and don't always know how to react.

Yep. Figuring that one out too. She moved back home in May to avoid the crime in the city so she attended a local college that she could drive to. Moved back into the house. THATS why my exBPD gf said she should have dumped me in May, that and we didnt go on vacation because I couldnt afford it... .thats when crap went down hill.

[Mutt]

It's a terrible thing to say. This is a disorder. Attention for a child is healthy. Fighting for attention with a child is not healthy.

From my experience, my ex would say terrible things and I was off quilter. Things can happen out of nowhere with a pwBPD and happen quickly.

As I said, I followed your posts for awhile. As a father to another father, I hope that you can forgive yourself . I do the best that I can and don't always say or do the right things. You pay attention to go your kid, I think that's more important. You're a good dad.

You can radically accept this incident. I'm sorry your gf said that to your daughter. Her actions not yours. Let go or be dragged.

Hang in there.


--Mutt