Tired of Hearing about Him

[MissyM]

Vortex, you still seem stuck on how he needs to change.  That is out of your control, you can only control how you change.  I can hear the anger and frustration, I have been there and understand.  When you can make the shift to what you can change, you will feel much more empowered.  You are a bright woman, that is clear and really love your children.  Hope that you can make the best choice for you and your kids.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[123Phoebe]

VOC, your honestly is like a breath of fresh air.  Thank you for opening yourself up and letting us know what's going on

This is not meant to be a criticism, that I see lots of ways to improve your side in this.  I've been there and just ugh!  I remember driving home saying to myself, "Please please please don't let H's car be in the driveway, please don't let him be home."  I'd turn the corner and BOOM, there it was.  Then I'd say to myself, "Okay, try to be nice.  Don't let whatever he did/didn't do, does/doesn't bother you... .deep breaths... ."  I'd walk in the house and ANGER flooded me.  I couldn't contain my emotions and would spew them all over the place.  I wanted OUT of that marriage!

If your heart isn't in it, Vortex, there's not a whole lot we can say to sway you into doing things differently.  I had to want to change.  It wasn't worth it to keep my exh around, there was no future for us.  So what happened?  I brought all of those emotions into my current relationship.  All those dysfunctional ways of coping followed me around.  I wanted to change, but this time it wasn't to keep anyone around, it was for myself.  I wanted to change for me!  I had an awareness that all wasn't right within my internal world.  I had to own up to myself.  Hard hard hard hard hard and continues to be at times.  That's life!  But my future-self sure is happy when I've stayed the course and can see positive improvement

What do you think?  Do you want to give this a go, or are you resigned to throw in the towel?

[Grey Kitty]

I totally get why you want these things. I'd even accept that you need them

I don't need him to join me. I need him to not sabatoge my attempts to be healthier.

I need him to not throw fits and get upset when we try to do things without him.

I need him to STOP needling the kids so that when we are out and about things go smoother.

Unfortunately, those are not things you can create by enforcing boundaries with him. All of them will require that he make a decision to do what you want.

The one thing you *can* do without him is choose to go out and do things without him, whether he throws a fit or not.

The magic of boundary enforcement is that you can protect yourself with absolutely no support or agreement from him. The only ingredient necessary is your desire to do it.

Other changes require negotiating... .and that isn't likely to go well until someone lowers the general level of tension and conflict... .which also falls on you, 'cuz I doubt he's capable of it.

I know it is tough... .hang in there. 

[vortex of confusion]

If your heart isn't in it, Vortex, there's not a whole lot we can say to sway you into doing things differently.  I had to want to change.  It wasn't worth it to keep my exh around, there was no future for us.  So what happened?  I brought all of those emotions into my current relationship.  All those dysfunctional ways of coping followed me around.  I wanted to change, but this time it wasn't to keep anyone around, it was for myself.  I wanted to change for me!  I had an awareness that all wasn't right within my internal world.  I had to own up to myself.  Hard hard hard hard hard and continues to be at times.  That's life!  But my future-self sure is happy when I've stayed the course and can see positive improvement

What do you think?  Do you want to give this a go, or are you resigned to throw in the towel?

On a theoretical level, I want to try to make a go of it. On a practical level, I am ready to throw in the towel. There are some things that I cannot seem to move beyond. That is my problem. I don't want to change. Actually, I want to return to who I used to be when I was a bit more spunky and fearless. I want to undo the changes that have occurred as a result of me being with my husband.

I don't want to be okay with a man that encouraged me to be with other men and got excited about it. I can't get beyond that. Really, that is one of my core values. That is a huge sticking point for me. It is not his fault that I did the things that he wanted me to do. It is my fault. I should have had the fortitude to say not only NO but HELL NO! But, after he badgered me and pressured me and got all excited, I gave in. That is on me. I should have been strong enough to say no to him. Actually, I did say no but he kept pushing it and pressuring me and wouldn't let up. I was in the bathroom crying and vomitting and he was patting my head and my back telling me all of the reasons that I should go do this other guy. Even after all that, he kept it up. On my way to go meet the other guy, I was on the phone with my husband telling him that I didn't want to do it and that I was tempted to turn around. He kept it up so I went along with it because I had not seen him get that excited or that happy about anything in a really, really long time. And I know, that is all on me.

[Grey Kitty]

There are some things that I cannot seem to move beyond. That is my problem. I don't want to change. Actually, I want to return to who I used to be when I was a bit more spunky and fearless. I want to undo the changes that have occurred as a result of me being with my husband.

So forgive yourself, and become the spunky and fearless woman you used to be.

You may not be able to stop being afraid of your H... .at least not right away, but you can stop letting your fear control your actions.

I'd suggest you try to do it in your r/s first--If you read the stories here of post-separation custody, you will still have to address those fears then, just as much as you do now. So start practicing.

I'm not saying its easy. Just that its worth it.

[MissyM]

I don't want to be okay with a man that encouraged me to be with other men and got excited about it. I can't get beyond that. Really, that is one of my core values.

I don't know that I would be ever able to get over that, either.  You have been dealt a lot of manure in this relationship. It is unclear whether your dBPDh is willing to change his behavior or not.  You can change yours and have the fulfilling life you deserve.  That may not be in this relationship, or it may be.  I strongly encourage you to get some IRL support.  Either at a COSA or Sanon meeting and hopefully some therapy.  I wouldn't have made it this far without my IRL support.

[ziniztar]

I wouldn't have made it this far without my IRL support.

I agree, I really do. Getting validation from professionals on the stuff I read/write here and someone that knows my story and sees my actual emotions, made all the difference.

Reading your post on him pressuring you to date someone else is horrifying to read - I know how bad is to feel like you don't have a choice. The point we are all trying to make is: you don't want to change for him and that makes total sense. You have to want to change for yourself, and that will make all the difference - whether you decide to stay or go.  

I think Grey Kitty has a good point there: forgive yourself. Start being kind to yourself, that this is actually a really difficult situation, and that you didn't have the motivation/wisdom/anger/knowledge required to actually start to make changes. That is okay. I would even say that I needed my bf cheating on me to actually realize how much I was changing who I was only to keep him with me. I have decided to continue the r/s, but my attitude is completely different. I have integrated the person who I am when I am single (and not afraid to lose anyone) with the person that is in a r/s with him. I knew it probably would have a good effect on him (giving him some room to breathe), but that was NOT the reason I started changing things. It is because I didn't want to continue down the same path.

I didn't realize this until I got absolutely sick to my stomach - not about him, but about my own behaviour. It's ok to be disappointed in yourself, but you're the only one who can comfort yourself that you're allowed to make mistakes. It all starts with valuing yourself.