Do we attract more broken people if we don't do the work?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I realized after I broke it off with my BPD, I started looking at the friendships I started when I was in that relationship. A lot of these people are energy suckers. One guy friend I have been fooling around with, but I've started to feel like dirt after. Like I am just being used. It feels like the fog is lifting on many facets of my life. It's a little overwhelming. I almost feel paranoid.

Has anyone else noticed that they attracted damaged people when they were with their exBPD? Has anyone crossed over to better relationships (friendships, etc) once they did proper work on healing? I think what I need more than anything from this forum now is hope and that this does get better.

Any insight would be appreciated.

[JRav59]

I realized after I broke it off with my BPD, I started looking at the friendships I started when I was in that relationship. A lot of these people are energy suckers. One guy friend I have been fooling around with, but I've started to feel like dirt after. Like I am just being used. It feels like the fog is lifting on many facets of my life. It's a little overwhelming. I almost feel paranoid.

Has anyone else noticed that they attracted damaged people when they were with their exBPD? Has anyone crossed over to better relationships (friendships, etc) once they did proper work on healing? I think what I need more than anything from this forum now is hope and that this does get better.

Any insight would be appreciated.

[Blimblam]

Many guys in general can sense when a woman is an easy target to be used.  When she seeks validation and doesn't give a firm no and walk away.  It probably goes both ways but let's face it, it is typically men that do the pursuing. 

It will get better if you take the time and energy of putting the work into yourself.  There is no magic pill. If you are a straight woman then it is often easier to not do the work and validate yourself through the attention of male friends but the reality is they are suitors. And not all suitors have your best interest at heart. 

[allibaba]

Has anyone else noticed that they attracted damaged people when they were with their exBPD? Has anyone crossed over to better relationships (friendships, etc) once they did proper work on healing? I think what I need more than anything from this forum now is hope and that this does get better.

Ah yes, I am here.  I did A LOT of hard work in my BPD relationship and eventually I broke it off because my husband's behavior endangered our son emotionally.  I felt good, but realized that there was a lot more work to do.  Right after our split I attracted someone else with dysfunction, but was healthy enough to walk away from the opportunity because it wasn't good enough for me (emotionally)... .and I spent all this horribly painful time healing and digging into the pain... .and two weeks after I really saw resolution within myself... .this incredibly kind and emotionally available man walked into my life.  Its too early to say where it will go... .but if he had showed up a month earlier... .I wouldn't have been ready.  

I also noticed that even my friendships were unbalanced (before my internal healing) and while I kept most of my friendships (after) I redefined them in my own head so that the friendships were more suited to my needs.

Moral of the story:  lots of HOPE lady.  Hang in there.

[Ihope2]

This is exactly where I am at right now in my life.  I turned 45 a few weeks ago, and when I reflect back on my relationships, be they intimate relationships with men, or even just ordinary friendships, I have had this tendency throughout my entire adult life so far to attract broken people.

I was raised in a broken home and both my parents, and the succession of "stepfather" men my mother brought into our lives, were also broken and damaged.

The main thing is, since as far as I can remember, I have been surrounded by negative, angry individuals with a "victim" mentality.

And I have been the one who ran around in circles, and who felt compelled to "jump through hoops of fire" to appease these negative and angry and punitive people!

Finally I seem to have woken up and now I am so depleted that cannot appease these people any longer, and I do not want to associate with someone who is so damaged and angry and has NOTHING to give to anyone else in the form of joy, hope, encouragement, kind words, friendship, enthusiasm, etc.

I think as I work on my inner self, and as I try to resolve all of the past hurt and botched up childhood, I will develop a different energy about myself, and I will hopefully not tend to attract more negative and angry and bitter people into my life.

Already, I can feel that my antennae are finally tuned to unsafe people.  I recently had an encounter with a very overpowering and bombastic, self- important individual.  He was in my personal space, digging in my business and trying to bait me and get me to explain myself to him.  We were both participants on a training programme at work, so he was in no position of authority over me.  But he is one of those types who likes to shout the odds and control everyone else.  

I am not proud of how I put him in his place, but I am proud that I was able to jump over my own shadow and set my boundaries loud and clear with him. Basically, he was badgering me for coming five minutes to late that morning and he was insisting on knowing my reason, and I summarily told him to "F--ck off" on the spot.  Like I said, my technique needs some work, but I will get there!  

[Ihope2]

 

[Blimblam]

 

This is exactly where I am at right now in my life.  I turned 45 a few weeks ago, and when I reflect back on my relationships, be they intimate relationships with men, or even just ordinary friendships, I have had this tendency throughout my entire adult life so far to attract broken people.

I was raised in a broken home and both my parents, and the succession of "stepfather" men my mother brought into our lives, were also broken and damaged.

The main thing is, since as far as I can remember, I have been surrounded by negative, angry individuals with a "victim" mentality.

And I have been the one who ran around in circles, and who felt compelled to "jump through hoops of fire" to appease these negative and angry and punitive people!

Finally I seem to have woken up and now I am so depleted that cannot appease these people any longer, and I do not want to associate with someone who is so damaged and angry and has NOTHING to give to anyone else in the form of joy, hope, encouragement, kind words, friendship, enthusiasm, etc.

I think as I work on my inner self, and as I try to resolve all of the past hurt and botched up childhood, I will develop a different energy about myself, and I will hopefully not tend to attract more negative and angry and bitter people into my life.

Already, I can feel that my antennae are finally tuned to unsafe people.  I recently had an encounter with a very overpowering and bombastic, self- important individual.  He was in my personal space, digging in my business and trying to bait me and get me to explain myself to him.  We were both participants on a training programme at work, so he was in no position of authority over me.  But he is one of those types who likes to shout the odds and control everyone else.  

I am not proud of how I put him in his place, but I am proud that I was able to jump over my own shadow and set my boundaries loud and clear with him. Basically, he was badgering me for coming five minutes to late that morning and he was insisting on knowing my reason, and I summarily told him to "F--ck off" on the spot.  Like I said, my technique needs some work, but I will get there!  

[allibaba]

I summarily told him to "F--ck off" on the spot.  Like I said, my technique needs some work, but I will get there!  

LOL love it.

[JRav59]

I don't really think this is a male/female issue. Broken people are broken people regardless of gender. What I am wondering is if when we are not whole, do we attract that?

What I am noticing is that I am surrounded by a lot of broken people. I find myself giving too much energy to those who are more on the emotional vampire spectrum. A lot of take, take, take but when I needed a shoulder? They were nowhere to be found. Much like my ex. I don't remember always being around people like this. Some of these friendships became a lot stronger when I was in that relationship. Boy, the effects of gas lighting can be powerful.

I'm working on boundaries, etc. I definitely find more peace of mind when I am just by myself or with my closest friend.  I think I may have just answered my own question. LOL

I totally have had the outbursts of "f*** off" too! Never in a million years have I been that person. I get resentful now if I feel like I need to say "sorry", to smooth things over even when I'm not. Does it ever even out? LOL

The term "try to be more positive" with situations like this is a way of negating someone's feelings and urks me to no end. It's like trying to put a bandaid on a war wound. Unless you actually go through the pain, clean it, stitch it up and let time run it's course, you are doomed for same or something much worse. I don't think this is a negative process.  I think it's an enlightening process. You have moments of positive then deep sadness, then positive and eventually you are back to being better.

[Blimblam]

I don't really think this is a male/female issue. Broken people are broken people regardless of gender. What I am wondering is if when we are not whole, do we attract that?

What I am noticing is that I am surrounded by a lot of broken people. I find myself giving too much energy to those who are more on the emotional vampire spectrum. A lot of take, take, take but when I needed a shoulder? They were nowhere to be found. Much like my ex. I don't remember always being around people like this. Some of these friendships became a lot stronger when I was in that relationship. Boy, the effects of gas lighting can be powerful.

I'm working on boundaries, etc. I definitely find more peace of mind when I am just by myself or with my closest friend.  I think I may have just answered my own question. LOL

I totally have had the outbursts of "f*** off" too! Never in a million years have I been that person. I get resentful now if I feel like I need to say "sorry", to smooth things over even when I'm not. Does it ever even out? LOL

The term "try to be more positive" with situations like this is a way of negating someone's feelings and urks me to no end. It's like trying to put a bandaid on a war wound. Unless you actually go through the pain, clean it, stitch it up and let time run it's course, you are doomed for same or something much worse. I don't think this is a negative process.  I think it's an enlightening process. You have moments of positive then deep sadness, then positive and eventually you are back to being better.

Yeah the "the try to be more positive,". It reminds me of the crying woman's story in 12 years a slave. Especially with her interaction with the plantation owners wife.

[allibaba]

is if when we are not whole, do we attract that?

Absolutely.  Through my break up with my ex - I got a lot better with boundaries (around everyone, not just him).  We split and I was still attracting emotionally unavailable, needy people.

I went back to my therapist to take some time dealing with the loss of my dad... .but discovered that was really made me broken was the feeling that I couldn't rely on anyone... .not my BPD mom, not my dad who didn't defend me from her insanity, and certainly not my abusive BPD husband... .as soon as I felt emotional pain I was jumping into either 1. trying to fix it or 2.  being grateful in my life.  It was a hard and sad few weeks for me... .but it started to pass and I feel more well balanced, less needy and the people that have wandered into my life seem more well balanced too.  I think you only attract people that are as healthy as you are... .

But why did I say all of that... .you had already answered your own question!

[JRav59]

No way allababa! I really appreciate it! Hearing others stories is really healing. Thank you!

[talithacumi]

I noticed the same thing once I started down my healing path. Kept looking inward and finally realized I was attracting these kind of people (and being attracted to them) because I was presenting myself, and relating to other people on the basis of how much I could do - how useful I could be to them ... .because, basically, I'd been told/treated/trained from birth to see as myself as fundamentally unloveable and that the closest I could come to being loved was to be helpful, take care of things, make myself useful, and not cause any problems.

I was looking for people to "love" me in this way, and, not surprisingly, I found them. Everywhere.

Once I did the work needed to start seeing myself as fundamentally loveable, and starting presenting myself/relating to others in that way, things changed. A lot of the friends I did have drifted away. Some stuck around and have slowly started to change the way they see/relate to me in return. And I've made new friends who are more interested in me as a person, than in how I make them feel/what I can do for them.

I don't know if there's another way to change the kind of people you attract into your life, but I do know that doing the work will.

Keep at it - the work is hard, but the rewards are phenomenal!

[yeeter]

Friend of mine said something years ago that has always struck with me:

Life is a series of lessons.

If you dont learn the lesson the first time around, dont worry

You will get that lesson again.


   

[rollercoaster24]

Hi all

Great post and totally agree that we do, if we don't do the work.

My life like yourselves, is testament to that also.

Now though, at the age of 46, I am finally starting to wake up and start this healing business properly, after years of mistakes. My last mistake was with BP, for 4 years of my life, and if I had kept going, I am sure I would be dead by now, (either at his hand or my health would fail such was the massive stress he caused).

Now my wall is up and staying up until proven that it can come down a bit, my boundaries are also pretty firm, along with my assertiveness levels, (well mostly at any rate).

The one thing that is bugging me still is that I fear I may never meet a man that I will feel that way about again, such was the level of chemistry I had with BPex.

I also feel that my life is rather empty, other than work/family, I don't have a social life, don't have days off work, (haven't done for a year), and even though I know I need to organise some time off, (have my own cleaning business), I then go back to thinking what's the point since now I have none of my original friends left to go do something with anyway.

If PTSD wasn't so high on account of the things that have happened to me, I would be flying off alone to some foreign country and not caring that I was alone!

[allibaba]

Friend of mine said something years ago that has always struck with me:

Life is a series of lessons.

If you dont learn the lesson the first time around, dont worry

You will get that lesson again.

So incredibly true!

I am finally starting to wake up and start this healing business properly, after years of mistakes. My last mistake was with BP, for 4 years of my life, and if I had kept going, I am sure I would be dead by now, (either at his hand or my health would fail such was the massive stress he caused).

Now my wall is up and staying up until proven that it can come down a bit, my boundaries are also pretty firm, along with my assertiveness levels, (well mostly at any rate).

The one thing that is bugging me still is that I fear I may never meet a man that I will feel that way about again, such was the level of chemistry I had with BPex.

I also feel that my life is rather empty, other than work/family, I don't have a social life, don't have days off work, (haven't done for a year), and even though I know I need to organise some time off, (have my own cleaning business), I then go back to thinking what's the point since now I have none of my original friends left to go do something with anyway.

If PTSD wasn't so high on account of the things that have happened to me, I would be flying off alone to some foreign country and not caring that I was alone!

Hang in there.  I remember having the exact same feeling.  I don't have PTSD (though not sure how I dodged that bullet given the physical and emotional abuse that I went through).

I remember thinking that I would never have real spark again.  10 years and I loved him just as passionately (even more passionately) as the day that we met when we split.  I had decided that that was my one love, my one relationship. 

I just met someone and *bam* real true chemistry.  Its early but I have to believe that it didn't happen until I was ready for it.  Best part is that there doesn't seem to be any sniff of mental illness!  Woot woot.  Breath of fresh air.  I still can't believe I even considered staying with my uBPD ex. 

No way allababa! I really appreciate it! Hearing others stories is really healing. Thank you!

And you are welcome.  Thanks for bringing up a great topic!

[MaybeSo]

Water seeks it's own level.

We resonate with people who have similar emotional maturity and similar developmental gaps.

[Hope0807]

This is good.  Yes!  I realize I had a habit of attracting damaged people even before getting together with my uBPDexh.  I'm a rescuer, a motivator, better listener than a talker, a doer, resourceful, giving.  I view each of my relationships (with EVERYONE) from a new lens.  I'm still giving, but notice better when people are draining me…and quickly disconnect or make it known that I have needs as well.

UNFORTUNATELY, I was equally that vocal and set boundaries with the ex…he SMASHED those boundaries down.  The power struggle would not ensue. 

I realized after I broke it off with my BPD, I started looking at the friendships I started when I was in that relationship. A lot of these people are energy suckers. One guy friend I have been fooling around with, but I've started to feel like dirt after. Like I am just being used. It feels like the fog is lifting on many facets of my life. It's a little overwhelming. I almost feel paranoid.

Has anyone else noticed that they attracted damaged people when they were with their exBPD? Has anyone crossed over to better relationships (friendships, etc) once they did proper work on healing? I think what I need more than anything from this forum now is hope and that this does get better.

Any insight would be appreciated.

[Hope0807]

I'm with you.  Just a few years younger, but experiencing much of the same.  Trying to remain optimistic.  So glad to hear you have your own business.  It stinks that you struggle to find time off, but having work at all is a saving grace.  I miss my own business.  He took it and is running with it.  I have my daytime career and without structured time this past summer (off from work), my emotional health was at all time dangerous place.  Hang in there!

Hi all

Great post and totally agree that we do, if we don't do the work.

My life like yourselves, is testament to that also.

Now though, at the age of 46, I am finally starting to wake up and start this healing business properly, after years of mistakes. My last mistake was with BP, for 4 years of my life, and if I had kept going, I am sure I would be dead by now, (either at his hand or my health would fail such was the massive stress he caused).

Now my wall is up and staying up until proven that it can come down a bit, my boundaries are also pretty firm, along with my assertiveness levels, (well mostly at any rate).

The one thing that is bugging me still is that I fear I may never meet a man that I will feel that way about again, such was the level of chemistry I had with BPex.

I also feel that my life is rather empty, other than work/family, I don't have a social life, don't have days off work, (haven't done for a year), and even though I know I need to organise some time off, (have my own cleaning business), I then go back to thinking what's the point since now I have none of my original friends left to go do something with anyway.

If PTSD wasn't so high on account of the things that have happened to me, I would be flying off alone to some foreign country and not caring that I was alone!

[doubleAries]

short answer: yes

little bit longer answer: I began to notice something... .when we practice something over and over (no matter what it is--walking, riding a bicycle, driving a car, reactions to abuse, coping mechanisms, anything) we get good enough at it that it becomes automatic. We don't think about it anymore--we just do it.

If we grew up in an abusive/neglectful environment, we developed coping skills to survive that. Then we grew up and moved away. Then we become attracted to situations/relationships where we can use our skills.

For a while, I was worried--I was dumping friends left and right until I didn't have many left. That can't be good--that must mean I'm a jerk who can't get along with anybody. But those friendships began to be replaced with other more healthy relationships. Decent people.

By "decent people" I mean people who certainly make mistakes, who do rude things occasionally, who act inappropriately sometimes. But the difference being that these people (and I found myself becoming one as well) take responsibility for those things. They own up to it and apologize and/or make amends. They don't try to avoid the uncomfortable emotions that accompany inappropriate behavior by pretending it didn't happen, or gaslighting others into believing there is something wrong with them for confronting it, or simply blaming and justifying.

And maybe these decent people will even occasionally try something like that, but as an exception rather than as a rule. Decent people want to share their lives with others, instead of building themselves up by putting others down. Decent people help others--but only within reason.

As I become a person like this (and it certainly wasn't taught to me as a child), I find I attract friends who are similar. So is there hope? Of course there is!

[doubleAries]

oops--forgot this--

I've posted this elsewhere on this site before, but am posting it again, because it so worth seeing. My T turned me on to this. Huge 

www.bing.com/videos/search?q=the+story+of+o+and+the+missing+piece&FORM=VIRE3#view=detail&mid=B81FC86E4289B2AD9E14B81FC86E4289B2AD9E14

[crystal]

Agree with what everyone else has said. And would add one other very recent Ah Ha for me.

Yes, I attracted needy. And yes I did work and learned to set boundaries  and yes I got better.

BUT I still wasnt finding "normal guys".  What I very recently realized is there was another piece to MY puzzle (and maybe yours).  I need excitement in my life. I am high energy, curious and active.  I dont like being bored. my Ah Ha was that I seeking this excitement IN MY PARTNER rather than in my life. Now that I have been divorced 6+  years and spent most of that time not in a relationship I have realized I can build an EXCITING LIFE. and I have. Adn then I can find a normal person who wants to share that excitement, not BE that excitement.

So, that was a second (or third) round of work and self discovery I had to do... maybe it applies to others and this will help you start that work a little sooner.

[Agent_of_Chaos]

I realized after I broke it off with my BPD, I started looking at the friendships I started when I was in that relationship. A lot of these people are energy suckers. One guy friend I have been fooling around with, but I've started to feel like dirt after. Like I am just being used. It feels like the fog is lifting on many facets of my life. It's a little overwhelming. I almost feel paranoid.

Has anyone else noticed that they attracted damaged people when they were with their exBPD? Has anyone crossed over to better relationships (friendships, etc) once they did proper work on healing? I think what I need more than anything from this forum now is hope and that this does get better.

Any insight would be appreciated.

I think this topic really resonates with those whom identify with co-dependency.  I think a large portion of the people on this forum (myself included) display this type of behavior.  We are the listeners, the fixers, the shoulders to cry on.  I don't mind being that at all because it is a part of who I am.  I find happiness in putting my heart in a situation 100%.  Be it in an intimate relationship or a platonic friendship... .I give my all.  The lesson I am learning from all this is drawing boundaries. 

Seeing as I am trying to heal from a relationship that shattered my world, I realize I have to take things one day at a time.  Being a co-dependent it is so much easier to focus on other needs/wants/dilemmas rather than my own.  For when I am submerged in other peoples woes, I don't have to deal with my own.  Much less painful right?;-)

That is why I am trying to tackle my grief head on.  I am trying to keep an open mind about my enabling tendencies but also educate myself on this disorder.  Knowledge + life experience = me being unstoppable.  Sure I will have good days and bad, but I am trying to embrace the light out of all this darkness.

I think once I figure out how to draw boundaries my relationships will become stronger and more fulfilling.  I won't have to pour all of my energy into someone and then become bitter and ask what about me?  I truly think it starts from within.  The only direction left to go is up.