Not feeling understood by my own family

[Indyan]

I just wanted to talk about me for a change. And about the way my parents react to what I'm going through. I don't blame them, it's just they don't understand why I love BPDh still after all what he's done to me.

My mum worries, I know that, but I've come to the conclusion that there's not point telling her much about my life at the moment.

When I tell her that I spoke with the therapist, or that we went to MC, she sounds fed up and goes "what's the point of all this? Let him sort out his mental health himself."

When I told her yesterday that T told me he may have stpd instead/on top of BPD, and that T said BPDh needed treatment urgently, she said "I told you he needed treatment, no need to see a great T to come to that conclusion."

That really got on my nerves.

My dad reacts differently but he talks about BPDh as if he was 100%NPD. When I start talking about improving my r/s he tells me to stop putting emo things as this makes me appear vulnerable... .

He's kept encouraging me to fight back.

I know it's the way they express their concern but it further depreciates the relationship I have/had with BPDh and it hurts.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ColdEthyl]

This is why i do not discuss my husband's issues with my parents. They know he has a mental condition, but I do not bring it up to them. I don't discuss our r/s at all. It's ours and ours alone.

I have tried to talk to my husband's family about him, because he does this thing where he doesn't talk to them or answer their phone calls for a month or two. They don't understand.

This is the sort of thing not everyone can understand, and sometimes you are going to be alone on it. Do you have friends who understand your situation and don't judge you or him about your r/s issues?

My advice would be not to discuss it with your parents.

[Indyan]

That's what I used to do (not discuss) but things have gone so, so bad I had no choice. I'm in such a difficult situation that my family had to know, I needed support.

If one day things get better, I'll just say "things are ok" as I used to, even when there were a few tremolos here and there.

I've also tried to turn to his family for support but they are in complete denial, it's sickening.

They've supported him through every evil thing is done to me, sending the notice letter to the landlord, talking about lawyers, accusing me of not letting him see baby etc etc.

I just don't get it really.

[ColdEthyl]

Are you in counseling for yourself? You are overwhelmed, hun. Talking to your parents about it only adds fuel to the fire.

His parents are probably part of the problem, like mine's are. Not on purpose on their end, but they would rather bury their heads in the sand. Your husband's parents sound enabling which in my opinion is worse.

[Indyan]

They are totally enabling! He's paranoid and is a permanent victim and they encourage him in his delirium! Yes son, get a lawyer, yes son send the notice letter. When he would so much need someone to tell him "come on, stop your crap".

Yes I see a T myself. Well, the idea was to talk about myself this time (2 days ago) but T had received a crazy mail from BPDh and had been thinking about the diagnosis. He had to tell me how bad it was (BPD+Schizotypical) and that BPDh needs to see a psychiatrist ASAP.

I'm seeing him again in 2 weeks, for myself this time.

I'm also seeing a nurse who specializes in psychology, but it's a bit boring, she only listens and doesn't provide any advice. T is much better, he provides useful insight.

[ColdEthyl]

yeah unfortunately, it sounds like your parents mean well, but as with everything... .often times people give advice that's bad advice for the situation you are in,

We here on this board all understand what you are going through, and what you are trying to deal with. Fighting back is NOT a good piece of advice. Be firm... .set boundaries... .yes. Fighting back just leads to... .well... .fighting. You mother's advice is the same. If she sounds fed up, I wouldn't talk to her about this issue anymore.

It's hard for them because they see you hurting, and really their hands are tied. You talk to them not because you want them to fix it, but you just want to share the burden with someone. For them, they feel powerless, and will end up feeling anger and resentment towards your BPDh.

That's why i said I wouldn't share it with them. Share it here, share it with your T, share it with friends who might understand. But really, asking "norms" to deal with this sort of situation isn't fair. They most likely won't or don't understand.

Mental illness is not treated or looked at the same as a physical illness or handicap. You wouldn't scream at a paraplegic to sort out their issues by themselves and to get up, but for some reason we expect this sort of logic to work on people with mental illness.

[Indyan]

Mental illness is not treated or looked at the same as a physical illness or handicap. You wouldn't scream at a paraplegic to sort out their issues by themselves and to get up, but for some reason we expect this sort of logic to work on people with mental illness.

Very wise statement!

The thing is a paraplegic wouldn't try to destroy our legs just because they can't walk anymore. BPDh has done everything to make me feel as scared, anxious, lost and desperate as he was/is. It took time but it worked for some time. I'm only working now towards coming out of FOG.

[ColdEthyl]

There are differences, true. But a BPD person responses are governed by their condition. It isn't their INTENT to destroy us, only to preserve themselves.

Perhaps a better example is a dog left on the street. Sometimes when you try to approach them, they run. Sometimes, they try to bite... .not because they are mean and hate you, but their fear is so high... .their flight or fight instincts tell them to be on the attack.

In moments of dysregulation... .their only thought is self preservation. They CANNOT see through the overwhelming feelings they have and even worse... .they don't have to tools handle it. Therapy and medication help, but just like... .let's go back to a physical illness for a moment... .just like a person with epilepsy... .medications help but they WILL still seize from time to time.

[Indyan]

Thanks ColdEthyl,

I was explaining that to my D10 today... .I compared having a relative who's mentally ill with one who has cancer... .only that the one with cancer will keep on loving us.

All this is just so terribly sad 

[ColdEthyl]

*Nod* It's a hard thing to understand, especially for "norms". At that moment in time, they really do THINK they hate us. When the feelings calm however, they realize what they have done and it's the guilt, anger at themselves for doing/saying whatever that eats at them and THAT cycle continues on and on for them. It's really sad.

[Indyan]

*Nod* It's a hard thing to understand, especially for "norms". At that moment in time, they really do THINK they hate us. When the feelings calm however, they realize what they have done and it's the guilt, anger at themselves for doing/saying whatever that eats at them and THAT cycle continues on and on for them. It's really sad.

Thanks for reminding me of this. I try to tell myself he CANNOT go on hating me like this for ever, or can he? I do know it's a symptom of his illness, but I can't help wondering again and again WHY on earth he hates me with such force. And the only thing I've come up with is that I told him I couldn't live with someone who was ill and didn't get treatment.

[ColdEthyl]

BPD is why, hun. It's not that he hates YOU, he hates HIMSELF and he projects it on you. Everyone has to make that choice for themselves /hug we are all here no matter what you choose to do <3

[Indyan]

BPD is why, hun. It's not that he hates YOU, he hates HIMSELF and he projects it on you. Everyone has to make that choice for themselves /hug we are all here no matter what you choose to do <3

Thanks ColdEthyl 

You sound like my therapist "he hates himself"... .

But then I can't help wondering "why me?", I mean he doesn't hate his father, his sisters, so why me?  :'(

[Indyan]

Talking about family again... .

My mum told me last night on the phone that "I had thought that BPD loved me but obviously I loved him more that he did" and that "no need to be mentally ill to behave like a jerk".

Needless to say I felt much better with this.

Good I'm learning how to ignore people's comments... .

[ColdEthyl]

Why you? Well, it's natural for us to lash out at the ones we love the most. For BPDers, it's us, and it's amplified.

They are emotionally children. Think of how a 5 year old throws a fit because they didn't get the flavor ice cream they wanted. Same darn thing. That's not something a lot of people can understand, nor accept.

Talking about family again... .

My mum told me last night on the phone that "I had thought that BPD loved me but obviously I loved him more that he did" and that "no need to be mentally ill to behave like a jerk".

Needless to say I felt much better with this.

Good I'm learning how to ignore people's comments... .

[Indyan]

Why you? Well, it's natural for us to lash out at the ones we love the most. For BPDers, it's us, and it's amplified.

They are emotionally children. Think of how a 5 year old throws a fit because they didn't get the flavor ice cream they wanted. Same darn thing. That's not something a lot of people can understand, nor accept.

I get that, but it's been too long. He's been acting as if he hates me for a month... .

All this is tiring.

[Indyan]

So I called his big sister. I had to tell someone about the diagnosis I got from T (STPD).

I'm exhausted and angry.

Denial, denial, denial, accusations, more accusations, judgment (our r/s was all crap), hostility.

Ok, sometimes she listened a bit, especially when I sounded firm like "I had to pass on this information, I didn't call to hear about what you think about our r/s."

She criticized the fact that rent's still being paid by BPD, while he's not staying here anymore.

Err... .yeah, and what should I do about that? Move out in the beginning of Winter? Move into a studio flat with 2 kids? She said that poor him he can't pay for 2 rentsn and hence cannot gat his own flat.

I'm sick and tired of all this rubbish.

[ColdEthyl]

/hug it can be very very tiring. I've triggered dysregulations myself because I was too tired/angry/fed up to communicate the way I needed to.

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. I don't have anyone in my dBPDh family to discuss his issues either, because they can't deal with it. I just use these boards as my release.

He going to paint you black to his family, and speaking to his family about it will make it worse because it will feel like an attack to him. They cannot be wrong. They cannot be made to look bad or what they perceive as bad.

Do you have a T for yourself?

Why you? Well, it's natural for us to lash out at the ones we love the most. For BPDers, it's us, and it's amplified.

They are emotionally children. Think of how a 5 year old throws a fit because they didn't get the flavor ice cream they wanted. Same darn thing. That's not something a lot of people can understand, nor accept.

I get that, but it's been too long. He's been acting as if he hates me for a month... .

All this is tiring.

[Indyan]

He going to paint you black to his family, and speaking to his family about it will make it worse because it will feel like an attack to him. They cannot be wrong. They cannot be made to look bad or what they perceive as bad.

Do you have a T for yourself?

I said to his sister that if she told him that I called her and spoke about his mental health, he would hate me even more... .now it's up to her to act in a clever way or in a stupid way.

Yes I have a T but he let me down. He's the one who told me he'd tell BPD he needed to see a psychiatrist urgently and in the end he didn't send the mail "because of his paranoia"... .

However, I've just contacted the association for people who have a SO who's mentally ill, and the woman was great. She understood everything I said and told me she'd get help for me. She has lots of contact at the hospital etc. I've no idea though what she can do to help, but it's nice to have support.

[ColdEthyl]

That's very good to hear, it might just be the thing you need for yourself to get some support! Hopefully there will be other with BOD family members who can really understand your situation!

He going to paint you black to his family, and speaking to his family about it will make it worse because it will feel like an attack to him. They cannot be wrong. They cannot be made to look bad or what they perceive as bad.

Do you have a T for yourself?

I said to his sister that if she told him that I called her and spoke about his mental health, he would hate me even more... .now it's up to her to act in a clever way or in a stupid way.

Yes I have a T but he let me down. He's the one who told me he'd tell BPD he needed to see a psychiatrist urgently and in the end he didn't send the mail "because of his paranoia"... .

However, I've just contacted the association for people who have a SO who's mentally ill, and the woman was great. She understood everything I said and told me she'd get help for me. She has lots of contact at the hospital etc. I've no idea though what she can do to help, but it's nice to have support.

[Indyan]

That's very good to hear, it might just be the thing you need for yourself to get some support! Hopefully there will be other with BOD family members who can really understand your situation!

Yes, and I think they might be able to help on a legal level too, in case BPD/STPD wants to go to court.

[ColdEthyl]

... .oh lord I just read up on that STPD. Sounds just like BPD ... .how the heck do you know the difference

That's very good to hear, it might just be the thing you need for yourself to get some support! Hopefully there will be other with BOD family members who can really understand your situation!

Yes, and I think they might be able to help on a legal level too, in case BPD/STPD wants to go to court.

[Indyan]

... .oh lord I just read up on that STPD. Sounds just like BPD ... .how the heck do you know the difference

Yes, it does. But from what I've understood many therapists consider it to be a "mild" form of schizophrenia.

Things that are STPD but not necessarily BPD:

- not having ANY friends at all, that means no r/s apart from spouse, children and FOO

- isolation

- lack of social activities

- coldness

- problem with close relationships, especially physical intimacy

- confusing ideas and obsessions

- suspicious and paranoid ideas

[ColdEthyl]

Well, I suppose those would fit my dBPDh as well. He's antisocial. No friends (I don't either, though so I'm not sure what that says about me) but we do hang out with his son and his brother from time to time. He def has paranoid and suspicious ideas. He's very isolated. He isn't cold though, doesn't seem to have confusing ideas or obsessions. I know BPD usually likes to hold hands with other disorders.

... .oh lord I just read up on that STPD. Sounds just like BPD ... .how the heck do you know the difference

Yes, it does. But from what I've understood many therapists consider it to be a "mild" form of schizophrenia.

Things that are STPD but not necessarily BPD:

- not having ANY friends at all, that means no r/s apart from spouse, children and FOO

- isolation

- lack of social activities

- coldness

- problem with close relationships, especially physical intimacy

- confusing ideas and obsessions

- suspicious and paranoid ideas