i wish i knew then what i know now about this Wicked illness BPD I feel sorry .

[guy4caligirl]

Hi .

I have been reading a lot of information on this site , this is amazing how  it did clear thoughts in my mind !

It just described my beloved ex girlfriend for five years to the T. and myself too !

Thank goodness for this site and people around it .

if I knew then what I know now I would have handle things differently .

She often asked me to inform myself about this illness but I refused to at that time .

Now she is gone for exactly 3 months and two days .And still counting ... .

I don't need to describe you all how I was treated after she was gone just to name a few : Silence , no communication , I was deleted from her life, I sent lots of emails , no responds but ugly stuff  that I messed up not her , I agreed and apologized She never took any blame whatsoever.

Now I know more about BPD and I know why she acted the  way she did .

This past week after she always said this my last email three times already , and her emails contained nothing but hatred and anger towards me .

I showed nothing but kindness towards her after that last STOP DON"T CONTACT ME ANYMORE .

Out  of the blue , I get an email which she said she was sick with flue And reminded me how when we were together and had the same thing it was horrible , now she changed her temper and wrote she wants to let know no one should be alone in this world why I have no idea .

She has been responsive to my emails nothing else that tells me she wants to give me another chance because I am the bad guy in her opinion .

I have a question to ask .

Should I tell her I joined the BPD Family and learned a lot about the illness ?

The reason is I have so much love for her as a human been and I hate for her to continue this way without therapy or join a support group , I feel guilty not been able to help her and now I know there is help around .

How can I let go of her knowing that she is suffering from an illness that is going to hunt her all her life .

She said she wants a new fresh start , I don't even know how she is going to find a job or stay in one and how is she going to support her self

PLEASE HELP ME

Thank you .

[goldylamont]

hi there guy4caligirl. i understand that you would like to get your ex to get help for her diagnosis. i would not mention what you are doing on your end (or this website) so that you can always have your own personal and private outlet for yourself. if wouldn't recommend you bringing up BPD *at all* if you want to keep in communication with her, as she still seems to be in blame/victim mode. the only time to even approach the subject i feel would be after you two were communicating often and she was trusting of you (you were in her good graces).

can i ask more about your current situation? you mention you were together for 5 years, broke up 3 months ago? do you still live close by? were you living together previously? do you know if she is with someone else right now? also, perhaps some more details about how the breakup occurred could help put things in context. just when you have the time, share what you can and this will help us out as we relate to your story.

take care! 

[guy4caligirl]

hi there guy4caligirl. i understand that you would like to get your ex to get help for her diagnosis. i would not mention what you are doing on your end (or this website) so that you can always have your own personal and private outlet for yourself. if wouldn't recommend you bringing up BPD *at all* if you want to keep in communication with her, as she still seems to be in blame/victim mode. the only time to even approach the subject i feel would be after you two were communicating often and she was trusting of you (you were in her good graces).

can i ask more about your current situation? you mention you were together for 5 years, broke up 3 months ago? do you still live close by? were you living together previously? do you know if she is with someone else right now? also, perhaps some more details about how the breakup occurred could help put things in context. just when you have the time, share what you can and this will help us out as we relate to your story.

take care! 

I am single now , no she moved  to another state where she came from , yes we were living together ,I don't know , she kept me in the dark , she is living with a friend ,I think she wants me to not know if she is or not in relation with someone , cause I think she spent all the money I gave to travel , and now she doesn't have any , so I refuse to help , I said I will if you get professional help , she was upset and wanted to make me feel like I did not care which I did not swallow that .

As for the part of living together for five years , at first I took her to one of the best doctor in my area , she insulted me in front of him and thought his nurse was in a conspiracy against her she said some bad words to that nurse and the doctor also a friend wrote her a letter that he is no longer wanted to treat her .

living together was very hard , I just wished I read about this illness earlier in the relation  took her to one of those clinics that refill her medicine for a 50 dollar fee she loved it cause she can easily manipulate the doctors , one doctor discovered what she's doing so he refused to see her too .

She was in constant anger and keep to herself , and not trust me which is wrong I never cheated on her but she always was in the state of conspiracy going on against her .

we were in constant argument at the end I had no more patience for her , she paved her way slowly to find the right time to leave and left , I asked her many times that we have to stop this relation but I could not show her the door , when she saw her own door out she did and now her I am wanting her again , am I ignorant not stupid or what ?

[goldylamont]

I am single now , no she moved  to another state where she came from , yes we were living together ,I don't know , she kept me in the dark , she is living with a friend ,I think she wants me to not know if she is or not in relation with someone , cause I think she spent all the money I gave to travel , and now she doesn't have any , so I refuse to help , I said I will if you get professional help , she was upset and wanted to make me feel like I did not care which I did not swallow that .

As for the part of living together for five years , at first I took her to one of the best doctor in my area , she insulted me in front of him and thought his nurse was in a conspiracy against her she said some bad words to that nurse and the doctor also a friend wrote her a letter that he is no longer wanted to treat her .

living together was very hard , I just wished I read about this illness earlier in the relation  took her to one of those clinics that refill her medicine for a 50 dollar fee she loved it cause she can easily manipulate the doctors , one doctor discovered what she's doing so he refused to see her too .

She was in constant anger and keep to herself , and not trust me which is wrong I never cheated on her but she always was in the state of conspiracy going on against her .

we were in constant argument at the end I had no more patience for her , she paved her way slowly to find the right time to leave and left , I asked her many times that we have to stop this relation but I could not show her the door , when she saw her own door out she did and now her I am wanting her again , am I ignorant not stupid or what ?

i think it's a good thing that you are no longer supporting her financially. now is a time to focus on your own recovery and this includes letting her find her own independence since you are not together.

it sounds like you tried very hard to help her, accompanying her to treatment and working with several doctors. and it's heartbreaking that this didn't work out. it just doesn't sound like she's ready to accept responsibility for her behavior. she's still in the stage of trying to blame you... .or the doctor(s), or the nurses, or perhaps anybody. not accepting responsibility and refusing or being unable to address their own issues is a common theme for pwBPD. so is the theme of the non/partner doing everything they can to support but not being able to overcome the disorder. i think you tried your best and this is commendable.

she left when the time was right for her, and even though you knew it was for the best, it's still traumatizing and can damage us to the core. be kind and gentle with yourself, your pain is reflective of the true feelings you had for this person.

you are not stupid. no matter what she may have said or done, or what may have happened. you aren't stupid. you want her again because you shared a considerable amount of time with her and bonded. this is normal. all of us here have suffered abuse to varying degrees, and nearly all of us clung to some hope and wanted to be with this person despite the daunting reality. we can give you both the tools and the confidence to work through these confusing emotions.

it sounds like you are in low contact with her over email. and that she is responding with anger and blame. my suggestion would be to write more here and to not contact her at all for a while until you can gather your thoughts. we can help you cultivate some good strategies if you choose to stay in contact. in the meantime, what would you like to see happen for yourself over the next few months? it's ok to have several answers for this. i'd like to know where you'd like to steer things in an ideal situation, and maybe we can offer some advice on how to get there. thanks much for sharing so far.

[guy4caligirl]

I am single now , no she moved  to another state where she came from , yes we were living together ,I don't know , she kept me in the dark , she is living with a friend ,I think she wants me to not know if she is or not in relation with someone , cause I think she spent all the money I gave to travel , and now she doesn't have any , so I refuse to help , I said I will if you get professional help , she was upset and wanted to make me feel like I did not care which I did not swallow that .

As for the part of living together for five years , at first I took her to one of the best doctor in my area , she insulted me in front of him and thought his nurse was in a conspiracy against her she said some bad words to that nurse and the doctor also a friend wrote her a letter that he is no longer wanted to treat her .

living together was very hard , I just wished I read about this illness earlier in the relation  took her to one of those clinics that refill her medicine for a 50 dollar fee she loved it cause she can easily manipulate the doctors , one doctor discovered what she's doing so he refused to see her too .

She was in constant anger and keep to herself , and not trust me which is wrong I never cheated on her but she always was in the state of conspiracy going on against her .

we were in constant argument at the end I had no more patience for her , she paved her way slowly to find the right time to leave and left , I asked her many times that we have to stop this relation but I could not show her the door , when she saw her own door out she did and now her I am wanting her again , am I ignorant not stupid or what ?

i think it's a good thing that you are no longer supporting her financially. now is a time to focus on your own recovery and this includes letting her find her own independence since you are not together.

it sounds like you tried very hard to help her, accompanying her to treatment and working with several doctors. and it's heartbreaking that this didn't work out. it just doesn't sound like she's ready to accept responsibility for her behavior. she's still in the stage of trying to blame you... .or the doctor(s), or the nurses, or perhaps anybody. not accepting responsibility and refusing or being unable to address their own issues is a common theme for pwBPD. so is the theme of the non/partner doing everything they can to support but not being able to overcome the disorder. i think you tried your best and this is commendable.

she left when the time was right for her, and even though you knew it was for the best, it's still traumatizing and can damage us to the core. be kind and gentle with yourself, your pain is reflective of the true feelings you had for this person.

you are not stupid. no matter what she may have said or done, or what may have happened. you aren't stupid. you want her again because you shared a considerable amount of time with her and bonded. this is normal. all of us here have suffered abuse to varying degrees, and nearly all of us clung to some hope and wanted to be with this person despite the daunting reality. we can give you both the tools and the confidence to work through these confusing emotions.

it sounds like you are in low contact with her over email. and that she is responding with anger and blame. my suggestion would be to write more here and to not contact her at all for a while until you can gather your thoughts. we can help you cultivate some good strategies if you choose to stay in contact. in the meantime, what would you like to see happen for yourself over the next few months? it's ok to have several answers for this. i'd like to know where you'd like to steer things in an ideal situation, and maybe we can offer some advice on how to get there. thanks much for sharing so far.

Thanks again , the more I read the more I feel better and start dealing with her emails in a different way , I use to bombard her with lengthy emails that probably got deleted , I notice she respond only if accuse her of using me and now using  a couple of her gay male friends finding shelter or as many states here A "replacement" when she got low on money she started manipulating me with unusual soft texts confessed about taking things from me without my knowledge when she was in a survival mode and more suggesting books for me to read so I can go on with my life .asked her if she is seeing someone she said no it could be a lie because she was asking for money ,at that time I did not get to know what I know now so I did not help her , I thought why should I do that after the ugly treatment she put me through .

For a while she wasn't responding till the week she was sick , all of the sudden she misses the dog , she email one and  respond to mine 24 hours latter .

FOR A CHANGE I do not think her tactics  no longer working on me ,I finally got tougher and respond with one or two words .and limit my contact for once or twice a day .

NOW if you ask me she out of the blue she calls and want to come back I will talk with her about what I think we should do next (find a treatment ) not now anyways .and I will drive over night and get her back !

Strange ha ? Yes very after all what I had learned since  I joined this site .

I know everyone's case is different but very similar. what is the chance of succeeding ?

Also if anyone could help me why is she being emailing me when she said several weeks ago NO MORE CONTACT WHATSOEVER .

Is she perhaps having difficulty meeting her bills, she doesn't pay rent and want to use me again or is she thinking of me and the secure life she had , if someone could explain I will be very grateful cause the heart is still calling her name , do they ever come back for that security ? I know now that they can't love they use perhaps I am wrong ?