Manipulation is getting the best of me :(

[Ohiomom89]

Hi,

My daughter is 24.  Just got out of 7th or 8th (possibly 9th or 10th) hospitalization now... .I've lost count in the past 4.5 years.  She "hospital jumps" and they are catching on.  Does not do anything the doctors suggest to help herself.  Not on meds--they "all make me nauseous and anxious."  All of her hospitalizations happen about a month to six weeks into each new college term.  She should have graduated long ago--but barely has credits as a sophomore.  As soon as a class or two gets "hard" she becomes "ill" and hospitalizes herself and drops out for the semester "to heal."

Fast forward now a bit and there are a new set of "parents" in the picture--she is newly engaged (she proposed) to the first boyfriend she's ever had (he's not good for her).  They know nothing of her illness except what she tells them (which are lies).  After always being there for her, having spent thousands on her education, kept her bills and phone and apartment current during the first couple hospitalizations, upkept the vehicle we bought her in high school (to the tune of a couple grand)... .doing anything and everything to get her on her feet.  NOW we know what we are dealing with; but I am angered she nonchalantly throws in my face what her "new in-laws to be" are doing for her, how "great" they are, understanding, etc.  Again, they only know the lies she's told. I've only met them twice.  She just told the "better mom" that she was discharged "too early" from the hospital due to pressure from me and her doctor and she is lapping up the attention and being catered to at their home right now. 

I do not yet know how to detach and more importantly, I feel jealous of all things!  After all I have done, the sleepless nights, the hospital trips, lost job, everything--I feel discarded and humiliated.  "New mom" is clueless and I really want to tell her all of the events of the past four and a half years.  Daughter already got "new mom" to buy her a new smartphone when "big, bad dad" cut her off at the age of 24. We sound like hideous parents to them, after only they've heard "her stories."

Do I ask for a lunch/dinner meeting with the parents?  Do I stay out if it and let them find out the hard way?  I feel I am doing the fiancé and his parents a HUGE disservice as daughter is tens of thousands of dollars in debt with medical bills, school loans, credit card defaults... .this is a 50/50 state and once she gets this boy to the alter, her bills become his.  She is already talking babies and "taking a full year off work because I will not miss any firsts... ." as if she has even held a job more than five months as it is.  Her fiancé is high functioning autistic, but still only has a $10/hr job.  I like the kid a lot, so much in fact that I am just as fearful for his future as I am of daughter's.  Marriage should not be in any picture right now--but "new parents" are blissfully unaware of everything.  They are unaware their son's tax returns will always be garnished, they will never get a house or credit or anything with all the bad credit my daughter has and will become his as well once married.  My husband and I cannot help with wedding costs due to her illness and all the things we've done the past few years to "help her" so our savings are gone, but now we look horrible to the "new parents" who are buying stuff and just thinking we "are too selfish to help."   :'(

I'm sorry for rambling.  I am just so tired; just freshly drove daughter home from hospital yesterday and I am exhausted today while she is being catered to.  Everything at my house is piled up, laundry, missed shopping, cancelled appts... .while "new mom" cleaned daughter's apartment and sent flowers and a week of meals in the freezer.  I should by now know how to handle these feelings, but I don't.  I've read every book I could read on borderline and bipolar.  I am such an "empath"--way too empathetic, I know.  It's in my genes, and a long standing "joke" in my family that I was born with a bazillion more empathy genes than most people.  Which of course has made me the family target; I'm caring for a dementia mom (siblings don't help) as well as a type one diabetic husband.  I am mad, sad and tired.  I really don't want to sound like, or be, the victim, the martyr... .I rationally know my life is in MY hands and no one else's.  Hubby is worried about me and long since "fed up" with daughter and he detached.  My "knowing" and doing, however, are very different.   :'(  Thanks... .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Kate4queen]

We had a similar situation with our son when he was turning 21.

He walked out on us and went to stay with a friends parents... .who we knew but who made no effort to contact us or assume we were anything but monsters kicking out our poor disabled son. He was due for major surgery and banned us from visiting or contacting the hospital during the surgery and rehab claiming his new family were far more supportive than we had ever been.

This was like a major slap in the face for us on so many levels, having been with him through many surgeries, carried him on my hip for 4 years when he couldn't walk, advocated for him... .you know the feeling. I was so HURT and I wanted to go round to these people and tell them not to listen to my son, to give him back (they were allowed to visit him in hospital, we paid for everything).

I didn't say a word to them. He ended up living there for 6 months until they were telling him he had to leave, so there were obviously problems emerging that they were starting to see.

I still want to write them a letter to ask them what the hell they think they were doing, but I haven't don't that either because actually, in retrospect they did us a favor and allowed us to detach from our son more gradually than having to throw him out.

So my advice? I know it hurts, but I'd try and step back and let them take the burden for a while. They are adults, so is your daughter. If I were you, I'd focus on you now and strengthening your boundaries against the future, because unfortunately for most of our children, they won't be able to maintain the fiction for long.

[SeaSprite]

 

It isn't fair.

There is some possible lemonade to be made though. I agree with Kate4 that it is unlikely to last... .how long can a person keep a mask on anyway?

But... .while it lasts, maybe you can have a break. Maybe you can tell your daughter that you love her and are happy for her to have people who love her and who she feels comfortable with. It can help you take back your personal power to encourage her, lovingly, so that withholding herself from you loses some of it's appeal as a weapon.

And while she is with them you have the gift of time to spend on yourself and your other family members.

My sd's mother gets very hurt and lays on the guilt, probably unintentionally, when sd17 wants to be with us, and it looks like it makes it that much harder for sd17 to resolve her stuff with her mom. Right now she's refusing to see her mom at all, even on the weekends she's supposed to, and they used to be very close.

It makes me think of the nursery rhyme about little bo peep losing her sheep-- "leave them alone and they will come home wagging their tails behind them."

I'm so sorry your d doesn't understand how much you've done for her, how much you love her. She might someday. I hope so.

[lever.]

Something like this happened to me at one stage when my daughter "adopted" another family and painted us black to them.

Very similar to Kate4queen's story and she was also early 20s at the time.

The other family had a child with severe disabilities who my daughter helped with.

I was concerned that this wasn't good for either my daughter or the other people. I saw this woman in the supermarket and we went for a coffee-I tried to talk to her  whilst trying to avoid saying anything negative about my daughter.

I now feel that this was a huge mistake, I should NOT have done this.

When the situation eventually blew up dramatically I was blamed and my daughter is still angry about my actions.

It would have been much better to  "leave her alone... let her come home"

I have learned a lesson to always be direct and avoid triangulation.

My daughter has habitually formed strong relationships with other mother figures and compared me negatively. It hurts me less than it did and I avoid getting involved now.

I hope hearing my experience helps.

I recommend staying out of it-the truth often comes out eventually.

[Ohiomom89]

Thank you so much for your suggestions; I love them all.  I WILL use this unusual "quiet time" (I can get upwards of 50 texts a day since she cannot stand being alone) to focus on me and what I can do for myself which in turn, can help us all.

It's no accident she chose a boyfriend who is unstable as well (but he is autistic, he cannot help it).  He believes everything she says and sits in the computer lab for hours (when she was attending school) just to be her security blanket, even though the doctor says this will HURT her more than help.  He sits in the parking lot at her job (when she has a job).  Enables her to the max. But he is very money conscious and he can have a bad temper when he gets too stressed (and life with her is always stressful).

Yes, we pay for everything... .and the "new parents" get the daughter (for now) I would love to have (she's so helpful, she's so funny, she cleans and cooks and runs errands... .ugh.  Not for me   ).  She pours on the charm, plays victim (they think she was sexually abused; she wasn't), school drop-outs are always not her fault, job losses are always "bad management" etc. etc.  She uses our health insurance for all these doctor and hospital admissions (we've long stopped paying her co-pays, though).  Hubby spends hours helping her fill out FAFSA for every school term only to have her drop.  She does not like anything "hard"  she cannot stand authority, and basically yes, thinks she is entitled.  She once said to me "you owe me this... .I did not ASK to be born!"   

BPD with Bipolar 2... .this stinks.  Hubby says I need to stop worrying about what other people think of us; WE know and SHE knows all we've done and that's good enough.  For today, I will enjoy the quiet.  Hubby worked the weekend so is taking me to a movie.  She has dominated our lives, our conversations, everything... .it ends now. Thank you all. 

[nzmum]

Hubby says I need to stop worrying about what other people think of us; WE know and SHE knows all we've done and that's good enough. 

He is soo right!

What's more we Mums know this deep down - just need to allow ourselves to be ok with it!

I for one am going to start convincing myself today!

[BamBams_Dad]

Sorry that you are going through this. Having been that guy at one point in my life, I would have loved if someone told me what I was in for before I did what I did. Even if I didn't believe it at the time, at least something would have been said. Maybe a nice lunch with "new mom" would help ease the burden. If the topic comes up, be honest, but don't give too many details as your daughter still has a right to privacy. Your daughter has to be the one that is completely honest. I believe however you can set the stage, and let it runs its course.

[lever.]

Ohiomom,

My DD also told the people she adopted tales of sexual and emotional abuse which were untrue.

I comforted myself with the thought:

"They can take your reputation but not your character"

The truth about this and a whole lot of other lies came out in the end.

[RunningWithScissors]

Can I join the 'hideous parents' club too?  It sounds like that's where all the cool people are!

Our BPD stories are all so familiar.  I just posted in another thread about what we did to detach from and create strong boundaries with our now-19 year old son.  I won't recap everything here but hope that some of these lessons that I've learned might help you as well:

- I am a hideous parent/bad person/[insert insult du jour here] and I'm OK with that.  It's not my job to make my BPD son happy, or to do what he thinks I should do.  I will make my own decisions.

- I don't have to play the game by his rules.  It's OK not to accept texts all hours of the day and night, phone calls at work, or allow him to separate my husband (his Dad) from me because he's figured out who is easier to manipulate.

- I don't owe him anything now that he is an adult living on his own.  His life is now his own to lead.  I cannot be manipulated by guilt or obligation.

- My support may only take the form of advice and suggestions, not money.  His latest crisis does not obligate me to rescue him financially.

- I will not response to threats of suicide as he has proven this to be his favorite manipulation tactic in the past.  Should he choose to self-harm or attempt suicide, I will support his recovery but will not be emotionally blackmailed into doing what he wants.  (the 'F' for fear in FOG... .Yes, this can be a tough one.)

- Any violation of a basic house rule (verbal or physical assault, theft or damage of property) will result in immediate removal from my home and charges filed with the police as appropriate. 

- I will communicate with whomever wish to verify information he has given me.  He may choose to see this as a violation of trust if he wishes.

I'm sure I can think of more, and I'm sure others here can add to the list.  Hope this helps.

[mcbetsy]

I'm so sorry you are enduring this struggle. I know this so well and it's painful.

It takes courage to buck the trend and stand up to what we THINK others are thinking. And even if they are thinking bad things about us... .why do we care? It sounds too easy to be true, but the reality is that it is simple to stop caring what others think simply by stopping. It took a lot of time for me to let go of what I perceived others were thinking. I once read a great Eleanor Roosevelt quote "You wouldn't worry so much of what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do."  This is so true.

Care for yourself and  your life. It is a struggle to give yourself permission to do this. But it's not your responsibility to make other people happy. It's your responsibility to live your life to its fullest. Some things we just don't have control over and while we can kill ourselves trying to... .we cannot change some things.

I wish you luck in this struggle. I hope you find the strength to care for yourself and to move forward with confidence that many others know your plight and are walking with you in our hearts. Try not to let the challenges your child is experiencing define who you are and what you think of yourself. 

All the best to you.

[jellibeans]

I agree with whaT kate4queen suggested... .I can hear the hurt in your post and although it might seem like you have anger towards your dd... .I really think you are angry with yourself. You have given and given until it hurts. There is an article here that talks about trying to stay in the middle... .PRESECUTOR • RESCUER • VICTIM

here is the link

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108384.0

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=142260.0

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Loujaye]

Apparently I'm in this club too. After loving, supporting and being my daughters staunchest advocate for 19 years she thru me to the curb last Christmas and has been playing ping pong with me ever since. We had 6 mos of no contact for some horrible thing she told many people my husband and I did which, of course, we didn't. She rewrote her life's history and made me out to be the one who made her sick and was responsible for the situations she was currently facing. She is such a believable liar that everyone just feels so sorry for her and jumps right in to help. She's even got her therapist fooled. My therapist was hers formerly and knew her well and between us we identified 7 of the 9 criteria for BPDS in the DSM yet her therapist dxed bipolar and says no BPD. That's how well she's fooled her. I was there for her first 2 suicide attempts and this last one she wanted her mommy so of course I was there for her. Things had been progressing fairly well for us and she came over to the house the other day because she wanted to. I had asked her about a month ago about Thanksgiving and to start rebuilding with her and her bf. When I asked her again the other day she immediately said yes. 2 days later I got a scathing text berating me for putting her on the spot for asking about Thanksgiving and going on and on about how angry she still is about last year and what a horrible person I am and it's my fault she's sick and kept at it until my phone battery went dead. So there went the progress I thought we'd made over the last months. I tried to maintain boundaries and never get too personal but I guess this will be my fist year of holidays including her 21 st birthday alone without my beloved daughters. My other lives about 6 hours away and can't take off work. I knew there was a reason I no longer liked roller Coasters! So, I so know what you're going thru. Details are different but the storyline is the same. 

[mkmomto2]

I am new to this forum, but reading your post was like reading a page from my own story.  My daughter is on her fourth family (besides her original one) in two years. Her best friend's family that she has known for 17 of her 20 years have just realized that she has been lying to them for the last couple of years.  They are so hurt that she would lie to them when they had helped her out so much.  I understand their hurt, but have been on both the receiving end of and the target of her lies for awhile now, so I'm a little numb to it I guess. Eh who am I kidding, it still hurts. a lot. 

My daughter has adopted three boyfriend's families at different times, but they have been short lived.  The current one is a registered sex offender. 

I'm sorry you are going through this.  I think everyone gave you good advice, to take this time for yourself.  But I know, that is really hard to do when you just want your daughter back... .

[pessim-optimist]

I just wanted to say:

hello mkmomto2, and  !

So many similar stories here!

[MammaMia]

Ohiomom

I agree with those who have suggested you use this break to do some self-care and fun things for yourself and your family.

Do not be jealous of the future in-laws. Tell dd you are really happy for her, and wish her all the best.  After all, she is an adult, and it is not up to you to intervene or explain her behavior.  This is her decision.

When the in-laws become concerned, they will most likely contact you.  In the meantime, I would say nothing about her mental illness unless they ask.  We all know pwBPD are self-absorbed and love being the

focus of attention.  Let your dd enjoy it.  It will most likely decline when they know her better.

As for gratitude, I am not sure our adult children wBPD even know the meaning of the word.  When dd

comments about how giving her fiance's family is, accept it for what it is. Tell her how nice they are and how fortunate she is and leave it at that.

If you stop showing hurt and/or anger, she may well stop trying to torment you.  Hopefully.