What do you think?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My BPDw was reared by a verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive mother and by a father who worked a lot and depended on his wife to rear the family. Also, my BPDw lost her 7 1/2 year old daughter to a mosquito bite 15 years ago.

My BPDw saw and sees me as a loving, giving, supporting human who cared about her. My qualities made her want to be with me for not having those qualities in her parents and also by her first husband. Then, she changed, and that is the common thing that we nonBPDs have in common.

I was reared in a family where arguing was more common than love. In fact, the arguing was quite frightful. There was no physical violence, but there was definitely a lot of emotional and verbal attacking between them, thus making it very difficult for me to relate to them out of outright fear. I chose later on not to be like my parents, and that has helped me professionally, but personally, I hold back a lot in order to keep the peace.

Considering my BPDw's background and how she basically does not relate well by keeping herself busy and considering my background, I would appreciate your feedback. Are my BPDw and I afraid of intimacy even though we seemed to get along quite well during the courtship and the first several years?

[Samuel S.]

My BPDw was reared by a verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive mother and by a father who worked a lot and depended on his wife to rear the family. Also, my BPDw lost her 7 1/2 year old daughter to a mosquito bite 15 years ago.

My BPDw saw and sees me as a loving, giving, supporting human who cared about her. My qualities made her want to be with me for not having those qualities in her parents and also by her first husband. Then, she changed, and that is the common thing that we nonBPDs have in common.

I was reared in a family where arguing was more common than love. In fact, the arguing was quite frightful. There was no physical violence, but there was definitely a lot of emotional and verbal attacking between them, thus making it very difficult for me to relate to them out of outright fear. I chose later on not to be like my parents, and that has helped me professionally, but personally, I hold back a lot in order to keep the peace.

Considering my BPDw's background and how she basically does not relate well by keeping herself busy and considering my background, I would appreciate your feedback. Are my BPDw and I afraid of intimacy even though we seemed to get along quite well during the courtship and the first several years?

[Mutt]

Are my BPDw and I afraid of intimacy even though we seemed to get along quite well during the courtship and the first several years?

BPD is unstable interpersonal relationships. Fear of abandonment and engulfment triggered by intimacy.

You're issues are FOO and she has FOO as well. She's also mentally ill. You would have to explore the "core stuff" in T.


--Mutt

[Samuel S.]

Mutt, thank you for your response to my post. I am getting therapy in which my therapist has suggested that my BPDw will not change, that she is sick, and that I should journal. Yet, I see her making minute changes amongst her negativity. I am journaling which has helped me determine my own feelings living with her. BTW, she is getting "counseling" through a medium, although she is not getting officially psychiatric therapy. She is getting inspiration due to the fact that she has become happier by pursuing another career, acupuncture. However, in terms of intimacy with me emotional and otherwise, she skirts the issue by being negative, saying she doesn't have time, etc.

I do have one question for you. What is FOO?

[Mutt]

FOO - Family of Origin or Family of Origin work in T.

Feelings of anxiety, depression, anger, fear and relational issues can be connected to our pasts from our families, primary caregiver and families. Healing from the past to move forward in the present. Ask your T.  

Speaking for myself, my unresolved FOO issues played a big part with becoming enmeshed with a borderline. Its not to say that's the same reason for every member. For example some members have no FOO issues, a life event like a divorce could have been the catalyst for getting involved etc

[Samuel S.]

Well, my BPDw decided to change her mind again. A week from now, we have our anniversary. She suggested yesterday instead that we go out for lunch tomorrow. I agreed. Then, today, she prepares some food and says we have enough food here that we don't have to go out. Also, BTW, she has been studying a lot for major tests that she has this week and next. So, bottom line, I have been booted out by her studies again and again.

Needless to say, I am disappointed again, although she has shown herself to be unreliable and thus not to be trustworthy. Yet, she wants me and I am definitive, reliable, and trustworthy. Go figure!

Sure, we can rationalize that this is how a BPD will act, but it surely does not take away the frustration, the anger, and the distrust that can and will be as a result.