Why would we want them back?

[ajr5679]

 Why do we want them back? 

Is it because of the lonely child that I see my mother in her ?

Is it because I have been in long term relationships with DBPD girl?

it is because of my addition to her because I was and still am addicted to her. she was really like a drug I do of did anything to have her.

is it because of my codependent ways.

I would love to here your stories of why you would want them back. and if we did get back with them what would happen do we feel it would last and we would be happy?

[fromheeltoheal]

One thing a borderline does is make us feel fully alive.  The intensity, the chaos, wonderful, stressful, terrible, but fully alive.  Is it the borderline we want back, or that feeling?  Best to remember the feeling, how good it feels to be fully alive, separate it from our exes, and go create that feeling elsewhere, sustainably and healthfully.

[Blimblam]

It's because crazy girls are the most attractive. Especially the waif/witch/hermit/siren. They live in a magical world where an archtypical fairy tale plays out over and over and it is intoxicating. It is the best feeling in this world and you want it to last forever.

[Loveofhislife]

Hey AJR! Great question--I've been pondering this tonight--I'm surprised Blim didn't talk about the dance between darkness and light--I think there is something to that. And Heal... .I can actually remember using those words when I first experienced some rather innocuous npd's, "I feel alive!" AJR--lots of N's in my FOO--but it's stronger than that for me. I read some stuff that scared me in the narcissism literature--said some of us are inverted narcissists--that we don't feel alive without N in our lives. It is like a strong addictive drug for me. And to quote Huey Lewis, "I want a new drug!" I can remember telling my best friend about exbfBPD, "Well, at least he's not a narcissist." I am specifically going to ask my T your question Wednesday--because I don't want to go down this path again! Curious to hear how others will answer.

[Blimblam]

Hey AJR! Great question--I've been pondering this tonight--I'm surprised Blim didn't talk about the dance between darkness and light--I think there is something to that. And Heal... .I can actually remember using those words when I first experienced some rather innocuous npd's, "I feel alive!" AJR--lots of N's in my FOO--but it's stronger than that for me. I read some stuff that scared me in the narcissism literature--said some of us are inverted narcissists--that we don't feel alive without N in our lives. It is like a strong addictive drug for me. And to quote Huey Lewis, "I want a new drug!" I can remember telling my best friend about exbfBPD, "Well, at least he's not a narcissist." I am specifically going to ask my T your question Wednesday--because I don't want to go down this path again! Curious to hear how others will answer.

I spoke with a BPD witch this weekend and it is the first time I have been attracted to woman since my breakup. It's a like a drug for me.

[peiper]

Hey AJR! Great question--I've been pondering this tonight--I'm surprised Blim didn't talk about the dance between darkness and light--I think there is something to that. And Heal... .I can actually remember using those words when I first experienced some rather innocuous npd's, "I feel alive!" AJR--lots of N's in my FOO--but it's stronger than that for me. I read some stuff that scared me in the narcissism literature--said some of us are inverted narcissists--that we don't feel alive without N in our lives. It is like a strong addictive drug for me. And to quote Huey Lewis, "I want a new drug!" I can remember telling my best friend about exbfBPD, "Well, at least he's not a narcissist." I am specifically going to ask my T your question Wednesday--because I don't want to go down this path again! Curious to hear how others will answer.

I asked my T about this and he replied that she sounded BPD with strong hpd and npd tendencies. Which he said was common.

[myself]

Addiction to a dream that's kind of real can be very intoxicating.

Other reasons to try again are unfinished business. Love. Elusive familiarity and possible chances. It's also a way to escape from other things.

[Perfidy]

The whole time , 7+ years, I wanted her GONE. When she finally left, I melted down. Other forces were active in my life at the time. It was a combination of events in my life. I'm free now. I feel better. There are better women. Women that are attracted to me because of me and not some need. I was with one last night and we had such good sex that I had to learn how to walk again today. Trust me, there's better. Freedom awaits you.

[camuse]

Just remember this:

YOUR BPD WAS A HORRIBLE PERSON.

Keep remembering it.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

Just remember this:

YOUR BPD WAS A HORRIBLE PERSON.

Keep remembering it.

And still is.

[going places]

Why do we want them back? 

Is it because of the lonely child that I see my mother in her ?

Conditioning, patterns set in our minds since birth.

Control. No matter how bad the situation is, it's 'normal' and you have some 'sort of control'.

At the very least, you know what to expect.

Is it because I have been in long term relationships with DBPD girl?

Habit, addiction, a certain level of comfort in the 'known', fear of the 'unknown'.

it is because of my addition to her because I was and still am addicted to her. she was really like a drug I do of did anything to have her.

Habit, addiction, low self-esteem / self-worth.

Programming since birth wired our brains to accept abuse and abnormal relationships.

is it because of my codependent ways.

Low self esteem low self worth, programming since birth that 'we NEED' someone (or they NEED us) deep abandonment issues (being abandoned as a child and feeling deep fear along with it)

I would love to here your stories of why you would want them back. and if we did get back with them what would happen do we feel it would last and we would be happy?

I begged mine back. Pulled out all the stops.

COMPLETELY changed 'me' to be what HE wanted.

And once again, it was not 'enough'.

I was on the brink of self destruction... .

Each time (for 3 years) we recycled... .he made ALL these promises; these tearful confessions; the BIG talk of how he was gonna do this or that... .and he did, for two weeks. NEVER EVER more than 2 weeks. (he can only keep up the lie for 2 weeks)... .then things went right back to the way they were before.

There was NO happiness. Only 'bracing for impact'.

I WAS A FOOL to beg him back in 2011.

He dropped the veil and showed me the real 'him'... .and I should have ran then.

I wasted THREE YEARS of my life, and dragged the kids thru 3 more years of heartache and misery.

One of the worst decisions of my life.

I thought I was doing "the right thing" and I listened to the wrong people.

[Ihope2]

I don't want him back, but I keep on having recurring dreams of him reappearing in my life and insisting that we are still married, or that he wants to get married to me again.    The other night I dreamt that he phoned me, and when I answered, he spoke a whole lot of gibberish and I had to say to him "I cannot understand you, I cannot understand a word of what you are saying to me".

I know this is besides the point, but it got me thinking that I really don't want him back, on the contrary, I seem to have this subconscious fear now of landing up in the same position again!