BPD women and married men

[Depression = 72% of members]

Seems that I read somewhere a while back that some BPD women attach to married men. However, I don't remember the reasons or mechanisms of why they do this. Is one of the subtypes waif/hermit/queen/witch more likely to engage in this type behavior. I know my ex was involved with 2 married men in the past. One just kind of disappeared one day after they broke up. And the other one got her pregnant while he had a pregnant wife at home, and a bunch of drama ensued.

[fred6]

Seems that I read somewhere a while back that some BPD women attach to married men. However, I don't remember the reasons or mechanisms of why they do this. Is one of the subtypes waif/hermit/queen/witch more likely to engage in this type behavior. I know my ex was involved with 2 married men in the past. One just kind of disappeared one day after they broke up. And the other one got her pregnant while he had a pregnant wife at home, and a bunch of drama ensued.

[dermo]

mine ended up using a married man as an exit relationship. My ex wife who is also BPD had two affairs with married men.

Why married men? others will have answers. Firstly affairs are high octane and not a normal pushing shopping trolley around the supermarket type relationship.

Sex is often a big factor... .he will get the wow factor but in time his head will get mashed too.

deceit is part of the game and of course that will appeal to any BPD.

Not sure if there is an element of getting back at other women too... .my last BPD felt very angry at her mother for not protecting her from abuse by her brother. Others will have better points too i suppose... .   

[Pou]

yeap… I believe it ... I think PDs has an affinity for married men... if they are N(narcissistic) PD, they probably like a man who is in power… so they are propelled to that level.  this is where I look back and in hindsight.  I am such a sap.  If I could elaborate… and without going into specifics... too painful and too close to home.  There were incidences that when I met NPD's ex boss back when we were dating, it was weird how he intentionally called me by the wrong name and then he had his hands rubbing all over her back.  AFterwards I asked her what the heck was that, she accused me of over jealous and that is why she would never invite to any work functions…. and surely enough... after over 16 years together, only two work functions that I was invited to (including that one).  And one was with a new job that she just started.  And then there was this weird occasion that at one of her friends' wedding, the friend's dad was giving her this strange caress behind her back and she just took it like the time with her boss.  It looked really strange as if there was a history.  I was told that she used to visit her beach house and that was it … mouth is tight.  You can not dig anything out of her.  If you ask anything try to understand it, you get labeled and shut right up ... because any questions immediately make her label you over jealous controlling psycho stalker.  How did I miss all those wonderful clues?  Yes, I am officially stupid.

[FlyingAway]

I think, especially if they are the Hermit type, they want the validation (the feeling of being loved, excitement, and alleviation of the emptiness) that comes from relationships without the commitment to a relationship. So, since married men are technically unavailable, what they get from it feels "safe" to them. Maybe, too, they're looking to punish themselves by pushing the familiar shame button. It's what they're used to.

[Pou]

Seems that I read somewhere a while back that some BPD women attach to married men. However, I don't remember the reasons or mechanisms of why they do this. Is one of the subtypes waif/hermit/queen/witch more likely to engage in this type behavior. I know my ex was involved with 2 married men in the past. One just kind of disappeared one day after they broke up. And the other one got her pregnant while he had a pregnant wife at home, and a bunch of drama ensued.

can we also reask this question?  maybe in general women who are willing to have affair are more attracted to married men?  many not have anything to do with PD?  Anyone?

[clydegriffith]

The BPD i was unfortunate enough to cross paths with attempted to reel in a a married guy to replace me.

The really disturbing part is that this guy was married to a woman that considered her a friend.

I think she really thought if she had enough sex with him he'd leave his wife. When she realized that wasn't going to happen, she tried to get him fired from his job and a whole bunch of other crazy stuff. She then turned her attention back to getting me back and mainly because we share a child, i stupidly forgave her. Things would only end up getting worst.

[fred6]

It seems that there is no risk of getting "too close" to married man. After my ex got pregnant from the married guy and he disappeared she told everyone, "I never wanted him anyways". If you never wanted him. Why were you with him for over a year?

My favorite one was, "He was wrong not me, he was the married one. I didn't do anything wrong, I'm not married".

Do pwBPD realize how crazy they sound when they say these things? Better yet, do they actually believe what they say or do they know it's all BS?

[freedom33]

This is classic. It's all about the chase with them. They want something they can't have. When they have it they don't want it anymore. That happened with us too. When I started actually attaching to her she 'd start pushing me away and treating me like sh1t. When we broke up last Christmas and saw pictures of me with other pretty women in instagram she came back like a wounded puppy and in her best behaviour for a couple of months. Sometimes I wish I had given her a long good lesson and let her have some more of her own medicine by playing such games with her. She really craved for punishment and sometimes I wish I had given it to her.

[vortex of confusion]

can we also reask this question?  maybe in general women who are willing to have affair are more attracted to married men?  many not have anything to do with PD?  Anyone?

I have some experience with this question. Whether or not I have a PD is still up for discussion because I know I am not quite right. My husband definitely has issues. Anyway, whether or not a person has a PD is irrelevant. The only reason that a married person is more attractive is because they tend to understand what it is like to be in a difficult marriage. They understand if you stop messaging for no apparent reason (spouse walked in). A single person is not going to understand the dynamics of being married.

I have a friend that I am having an emotional affair with. He and I both have spouses that probably have a PD. Our spouses have similar religions, similar sexual stories, and some other similarities. Both of us get frustrated because we want attention from our spouses but get largely ignored. We get together whenever possible but that is only like once every couple of months. I didn't set out to have an affair. If you want the backstory, you can look at some of my posts. Single people tend to be way more demanding than somebody that is also married. Two married people having an affair understand that plans may change in an instant and that the family (wife and kids) is the priority.

I have a male friend that is married and has a single woman chasing after him. She does not understand that he can't do certain things. She is very, very demanding and he simply cannot meet her demands. I have no idea why she would chase a married man other than the thrill of the chase.

I would think that somebody with a PD would have a rough time with a married person unless the married person is a complete tool and does not prioritize his/her family. But, my husband would sit on the couch cuddling with me while chatting with a potential interest. When my husband was actively looking for other people, he would become insecure unless he found a woman that would dote on him and be in constant contact with him. If a woman would miss emailing him for a day, he would panic and think that she was going to disappear on him. It was a nightmare. And he would feed me BS so that I would think the same things. It was very twisted and messed up.

But, I do know that my husband loved the chase of other women. And, he loved the idea of sloppy seconds. Nothing got him going more than having a woman that was with another man. He liked that whole thing so much that he pushed me to do stuff with other people and then come home and tell him about it. In his case, I don't think he feels worthy of having his own wife/girlfriend/etc. so he wants somebody else's. Plus, there is an element of voyeurism involved.

[Mutt]

I'm not sure that there's a statistic out there that says that a pwBPD like men that are married. It's over-generalizing.

From my personal experience with the pwBPD in my life she lacks boundaries and doesn't respond well to them. The same can be said for a married or single person involved. I think it's personal boundaries and lack or respect thereof.

[Pou]

can we also reask this question?  maybe in general women who are willing to have affair are more attracted to married men?  many not have anything to do with PD?  Anyone?

I have some experience with this question. Whether or not I have a PD is still up for discussion because I know I am not quite right. My husband definitely has issues. Anyway, whether or not a person has a PD is irrelevant. The only reason that a married person is more attractive is because they tend to understand what it is like to be in a difficult marriage. They understand if you stop messaging for no apparent reason (spouse walked in). A single person is not going to understand the dynamics of being married.

I have a friend that I am having an emotional affair with. He and I both have spouses that probably have a PD. Our spouses have similar religions, similar sexual stories, and some other similarities. Both of us get frustrated because we want attention from our spouses but get largely ignored. We get together whenever possible but that is only like once every couple of months. I didn't set out to have an affair. If you want the backstory, you can look at some of my posts. Single people tend to be way more demanding than somebody that is also married. Two married people having an affair understand that plans may change in an instant and that the family (wife and kids) is the priority.

I have a male friend that is married and has a single woman chasing after him. She does not understand that he can't do certain things. She is very, very demanding and he simply cannot meet her demands. I have no idea why she would chase a married man other than the thrill of the chase.

I would think that somebody with a PD would have a rough time with a married person unless the married person is a complete tool and does not prioritize his/her family. But, my husband would sit on the couch cuddling with me while chatting with a potential interest. When my husband was actively looking for other people, he would become insecure unless he found a woman that would dote on him and be in constant contact with him. If a woman would miss emailing him for a day, he would panic and think that she was going to disappear on him. It was a nightmare. And he would feed me BS so that I would think the same things. It was very twisted and messed up.

But, I do know that my husband loved the chase of other women. And, he loved the idea of sloppy seconds. Nothing got him going more than having a woman that was with another man. He liked that whole thing so much that he pushed me to do stuff with other people and then come home and tell him about it. In his case, I don't think he feels worthy of having his own wife/girlfriend/etc. so he wants somebody else's. Plus, there is an element of voyeurism involved.

That is interesting.  Thank you for sharing from a PD perspective.  As for myself, I just don't like drama (ironically, my uNPDw gives me that everyday … life sucks for me).  So if I know a woman is married or even committed, I immediately put up a wall and will be gladly be a friend and talk, but that boundary for me is so clear that I could never cross it.  I won't be physically aroused and mentally, hence it won't do a thing for me.  But friend wise, all good.  I can talk to you all day and spend all the time with you, but will never cross that line.  I have done that throughout my college and adult hood… never once crossed the line.  I don't judge others who do … but it is something that just built in me.  Oh, yeah, I don't think I have PD, because I am logical to a fault.  If something is not logical, I won't do and I thrive on being rational… I am proud of that.  And I have no problem apologizing if I goof up… i see that as a strength rather than a weakness.