I was wrong. . .

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I'm thinking that towards the end, I really was the bad guy. Besides my depression and how much I was withdrawing from everything, I think maybe the real reason she left was completely legitimate.

See, I didn't want to put her name on the lease as at the time her govt checks (all of her other health problems, she got monthly checks) were worth more than I was making at work. If she was on the lease, the rent would have increased. Thing is... .she said she was more than willing to pay for it all until I got on my feet again. I didn't agree to it. I didn't want to depend on her like that. I don't think I trusted her, not that she wouldn't pay. But that I felt like something would happen and since she was essentially paying for the apartment, I'd be the one to get kicked out. Essentially, I didn't want to end up in a position where she'd have all the power if things went wrong.

So my solution was to have her move somewhere, preferably with a roommate, just so she can have documentation of where she lived for legal purposes. But mostly she'd stay with me. A convoluted plan, but it was a temporary arrangement. I'd find work, get the gears turning and get a condo, I'd pay myself. I figured if something went wrong further down the line, I'd have my own home and she couldn't take it from me.

When I think about it, it was incredibly selfish. The end was that we'd still be together and have a place and owe no one. Could it be that all she really wanted was to help me get on my feet while us being together? While I plotted to make it work better for just *me?*

It may not be terribly relevant now that she's gone, and will not ever come back. Deep down, I'm a bad person, I think.

[Vatz]

I'm thinking that towards the end, I really was the bad guy. Besides my depression and how much I was withdrawing from everything, I think maybe the real reason she left was completely legitimate.

See, I didn't want to put her name on the lease as at the time her govt checks (all of her other health problems, she got monthly checks) were worth more than I was making at work. If she was on the lease, the rent would have increased. Thing is... .she said she was more than willing to pay for it all until I got on my feet again. I didn't agree to it. I didn't want to depend on her like that. I don't think I trusted her, not that she wouldn't pay. But that I felt like something would happen and since she was essentially paying for the apartment, I'd be the one to get kicked out. Essentially, I didn't want to end up in a position where she'd have all the power if things went wrong.

So my solution was to have her move somewhere, preferably with a roommate, just so she can have documentation of where she lived for legal purposes. But mostly she'd stay with me. A convoluted plan, but it was a temporary arrangement. I'd find work, get the gears turning and get a condo, I'd pay myself. I figured if something went wrong further down the line, I'd have my own home and she couldn't take it from me.

When I think about it, it was incredibly selfish. The end was that we'd still be together and have a place and owe no one. Could it be that all she really wanted was to help me get on my feet while us being together? While I plotted to make it work better for just *me?*

It may not be terribly relevant now that she's gone, and will not ever come back. Deep down, I'm a bad person, I think.

[Danie14]

I don't think you where wrong in doing what you did. I think you had the desire to protect yourself and there's nothing wrong with that. There's a reason, a solid reason, why you took the steps you did at the time. Maybe it's a matter of not being able to really put your finger on the reason you took those particular steps and not really a matter of why she did what she did.

[Blimblam]

You are not a bad person vatZ.

There are things if I could go back and do over in the relationship I would have but it's over. What happened happened. Now we have the space to work on our own issues and forgiveness. Forgive ourselves for our imperfections and learn from our mistakes to become a more whole person.

That layer of shame you have come to is something you probably have had deep down for a long time and no doubt the rs has added to it. Working through the shame has been for me a very painful process but One I think you will be glad you confront down the line.

Surrender to the pain and let it consume you accepting yourself.

[MaybeSo]

sounds like you were taking care of yourself.

it doesn't sound like taking care of yourself exploited or disadvantaged her... .unless I'm not clear.

it sounds like you just didn't want to put yourself at risk knowing her feelings change quickly and you might get kicked out.

I lived with my partner for over 2 years and co parented his kids and worked full time and worked on his property to make improvements.  he slipped into a irritable depression and almost overnight decided he didn't love me anymore and bullied me for 3 weeks until I finally found a tiny cottage to rent and moved out.  it was his home, I had no power and no recourse.

I now own my own home again and I would never put myself at risk like that ever again. not knowing what I know about mood fluctuations he has... .

No way.

[Vatz]

Yeah, you guys are right.

I think at the time I wrote it, I was sort of looking at memories of her through rose-tinted glasses. I also started thinking of all the things I'd done wrong in the relationship. So in a way, I kinda painted myself black. Which... .not good.

I think the thing I'm most ashamed of is how I became someone else towards the last year. I withdrew and just played video games when I was home and not working. I tried to go to the gym but it was... .sporadic. At the time she was actually trying to get my attention.

One night, she was shopping online for corsets and showed me a few she was thinking of getting. When I didn't really seem that into it, not that I didn't listen or anything. I'd look and I commented on what I thought would look nice, but... .

she said "What happened to your sex drive?" I told her I was depressed and it was true. But for me to have reached a point where I was too indifferent about sex is shameful to me. I've always been the guy that was ready to go any time, and could go lots of times. I used to pride myself on my virility, but one day... .I just didn't care. Part of me feels that if I pursued her like I used to, she'd still be around. After sex, she'd be a totally different person (most times,) she'd have a pep in her step and would be happy and would smile a lot. I took a real pride in making her feel that way, in satisfying her. I wasn't this person who delighted in every second of the act. I still put in the effort to "get the job done" but I didn't enjoy it as much. I can't exactly figure out why. Does depression really have this kind of effect?


Point is, I feel ashamed because I was a shiftless, sad and pathetic person. On top of that, I felt like I was also being a manipulative little tw-t with asking her to move. You know? That whole thing was just icing on failure-cake. I'm still working to rediscover the person I used to be, sort of scared that I won't find that man in me again. Just as much as I fear that even if I do, I won't find someone who will desire me enough to appreciate those qualities in me.

My conscience still doesn't rest easy. But, looking from your perspectives I guess I can feel validated in that despite it being difficult, it was still the right thing to do in the end.

[Blimblam]

Here is something I posted in another these based on the title of the thread.

This is a way to use the yin yang as a tool for contemplation or meditation.

When you see the structure you can apply it to many things.

There are more layers to the use of the yin yang but I am still discovering them

The film Rashoman is 1 story from 4 perspectives. The observer sees all.

When did you realize something was wrong?

When did I realize something was wrong?

Wrong was something. Realize you did. When?

Wrong was something. Realize I did. When?

Yin yang

[Vatz]

Here is something I posted in another these based on the title of the thread.

This is a way to use the yin yang as a tool for contemplation or meditation.

When you see the structure you can apply it to many things.

There are more layers to the use of the yin yang but I am still discovering them

The film Rashoman is 1 story from 4 perspectives. The observer sees all.

When did you realize something was wrong?

When did I realize something was wrong?

Wrong was something. Realize you did. When?

Wrong was something. Realize I did. When?

Yin yang

Not sure I get what you're saying. Elaborate?

[Blimblam]

Here is something I posted in another these based on the title of the thread.

This is a way to use the yin yang as a tool for contemplation or meditation.

When you see the structure you can apply it to many things.

There are more layers to the use of the yin yang but I am still discovering them

The film Rashoman is 1 story from 4 perspectives. The observer sees all.

When did you realize something was wrong?

When did I realize something was wrong?

Wrong was something. Realize you did. When?

Wrong was something. Realize I did. When?

Yin yang

Not sure I get what you're saying. Elaborate?

When you write a question or statement. Write it backwards. Then replace the you with I. The me with you. It will become 4 statements or questions. 4 perspectives of the same story. When all sides are seen as one you see it as the observer. This is the nature of yin yang.

When one sees in this way they know the way or the tao.

[Danie14]

This is the thing... .You'll never be the same person you used to be... .no one can ever really go backward... .but it's ok because that's the way it's supposed to be, regardless of any experience, of all experiences. You'll take this and learn from it and incorporate it into your being. I really and truly think it's up to you to decide how you'll do this, what you learn from it, what you allow yourself to become from it. Make sense?

As far as the libido, yea, depression can do that to a person. Think of it this way... .if you didn't *feel it* there was a reason why you didn't feel it. I believe that's your body telling you something. Just like when a person's getting sick and is achy or whatever, that's the body telling the person they're getting sick... .so they need to take care of themselves to get better.