She's going to be 18... then what?

[crazedncrazymom]

Hi everyone,

I've been lurking lately and see that so many of us are in the same boat.  My heart goes out to all of us! 

Counting down the days till 18.  We have just under 6 months to go.  So my question now is ... then what?  DD was released over the weekend from her 14th hospital stay.  She overdosed... .4th time.  Her plan is to move out of the house when she is 18.  Of course she has no job, no friends and no place to go.  She clearly is not stable enough to be on her own.  Any ideas on what to do with her?

-crazed

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[RunningWithScissors]

Crazed -

I don't know what the 'right' thing is to do, but my husband and I used this approach to deal with my stepson's increasingly violent, aggressive and anti-social behavior which was negatively impacting everyone in the family:  we made a list of what needed to happen in order for him to remain in the house such as

- no physical assaults, verbal threats, foul language or name-calling

- no use of drugs/alcohol on the premises

- no vandalizing of our property, no theft of money or property

- respect for our need to sleep between 11pm and 6am

- attendance in school, or if he chose to work, payment of a share of the household expenses (we calculated an amount which barely covered his phone/food costs).

In short, it boiled down to R-E-S-P-E-C-T, and applied to everyone living in the house, including us and a younger sibling who was being subjected to horrific bullying.

We told him that he wasn't obligated to do anything we asked him to do, but if he chose not to live under our guidelines (we tried to avoid describing these as 'rules' as he instinctively opposes any authority) then he needed to find somewhere else to live.  And no matter what he chose, we would always love him.

At the age of sixteen he chose to leave  (taking 'his' laptop and iPhone, of course!), but after wearing out his welcome with his friends and friends' parents, who quickly realized his 'my parents kicked me out and abused me' story was 100% bovine excrement, he ran out of options and returned home.  This lasted about another month since our boundaries were consistent.  When an older friend went off to university in another province, he went along. 

It's been 2.5 years, and the pattern is consistent.  He exhausts the goodwill of everyone in his life, gets kicked out of living situations because he doesn't contribute financially or otherwise (bad roommates and landlords, you see), can't hold down a job (a series of bad bosses, of course) and is struggling.  With each cycle, we've learned not to enable him with financial support and are now only paying for a storage locker for a limited number of months while he is essentially homeless.  He has refused offers of employment as well as free housing with relatives, so our sympathy reflects the opportunities he's been unable to accept.  It's tough to watch him struggle with the concept of natural consequences, but we are no longer willing to invite his drama into our life.  We try to help with strategies and suggestions, none of which are accepted since all he wants is money. 

It's sad.  My experience with an older sister who I suspect is uBPD, is that my stepson may not sort out his life until he's absolutely forced to make changes.  My sister sucked my entire family into a vortex of drama and despair until we changed how we related to her and stopped the continuous flow of financial support ($100K+ over four decades!).  It's a terrible way to live.

Hugs to you.  The BPD family is here with amazing resources and support for you.

[pessim-optimist]

crazedncrazymom, that's such a tough place to be in... . 

Is your dd just going through the motions, or is she trying in therapy? Do you think she will want to continue when she turns 18?

I know your biggest concern will be her safety - are the professionals you are dealing with helpful in that area? Is there a long-term plan?

What is realistic for your dd:

School?

Do you think she will be able to hold a job?

I would probably also research all the options for assistance that your dd might be eligible for. SSI? Is there any housing assistance program in your area?

[crazedncrazymom]

Hi runningwithscissors,

You have a great plan and wonderful boundaries in place.  It sounds like you've found a way to offer help while keeping peace in your home.  I think passim is more on track.  It's not so much that I have trouble setting and enforcing my boundaries.  It's the safety issue of dd being unsupervised.  BPD is probably one of the most complicated illnesses ever.  We have the push-pull of her emotional state along with a huge defiant streak and extreme suicidality.  Just yesterday she wanted her phone back (consequences from the day before) and I said no so she grabbed a knife and went upstairs to cut herself (manipulation). 

I have no idea what her limits are pessim.  She is so very smart and even after all we've been through she has options to go to university.  She has never had a job and I wonder if she could hold one.  Most likely she'd "punish me" by quitting. 

We've just moved to NC so we are still getting people in place.  She has an appointment next week with her p-doc and now that he really can see what we are dealing with I'll be talking to him about his thoughts for the future.  I know we need to have a plan within the next few months and before she is 18 and has a wall of confidentiality to block me from getting her help.

[RunningWithScissors]

Crazed -

Absolutely... .you know your child best and what works/what doesn't.  Our son is very high functioning so our strong boundaries worked to encourage his independence.  For another child, they might have triggered BPD behavior or not provided needed support. 

Please know that you deserve support too.  In our attempts to help our kids, we often put ourselves far down on the list of priorities.  In order to be the best parents to our kids, we need to be strong and healthy. 

I wish you all the best!

[SeaSprite]

We have the push-pull of her emotional state along with a huge defiant streak and extreme suicidality.  Just yesterday she wanted her phone back (consequences from the day before) and I said no so she grabbed a knife and went upstairs to cut herself (manipulation). 

This sounds so familiar... .it's the same reason crisis in our house is so hard to deal with... .d17 (and now sd17 as well) turn their emotions in on themselves and we go through days/weeks of suicide watch. Just recently my h and sd spent a week with the flu that they likely caught while he was in the ER with her for suicide eval. We are lucky that it's only been self-harm and threats so far... .I'm afraid to even say that out loud in case I jinx it. Give me typical teenager rebellion any day!

It's quite possible that when your d turns 18, she won't actually leave if she doesn't have a plan for what that would look like.

Both our 17 year olds are eager to leave at 18 as well, I'll believe it when I see it. My d says she is going to live with the bf (she's pregnant) and they are going to get married. But he's older and still living with his family, no job, so I'm not as confident as she is that it will happen.

Sd17 thinks her parents are horrible people who don't deserve to have children, (she's not even speaking to her mother as far as I know) and she is going to leave at 18 and never look back. She has had a very sheltered life - so I sort of doubt that would work out either.

Neither of them have much ability to handle adversity, and living on your own on minimum wage requires a lot more hard work and toughness than they seem capable of.

I'm betting that home starts looking a lot better the closer those birthdays get.

On the other hand, telling them that would get us nowhere, so with my d I talk to her as if her plan is the plan. I'm happy to postpone the drama. Right now she's in a good place because she is living with the fantasy of life with her bf and baby.

Have you talked with your d about her plan for moving out? "You are really eager to get out of here, is there anything I can do to help you get ready for it?" You can talk about housing, insurance, etc. "Let me know if you want help researching insurance options." "I'm here for you whenever you need me, I want you to be safe." "What are your thoughts about a safety plan for when you are in the dark place?" "You can stay on our health insurance until you can get your own" Or whatever makes sense for you.

Sometimes defiance can be defused by putting them in control and offering support on their terms, but you would know best how receptive your d would be and how much you need to just take the lead and say "this is how it's going to be".

Here's to hoping that turning 18 will be a relief to you and your d... . 

[pessim-optimist]

She has an appointment next week with her p-doc and now that he really can see what we are dealing with I'll be talking to him about his thoughts for the future.  I know we need to have a plan within the next few months and before she is 18 and has a wall of confidentiality to block me from getting her help.

I think her therapy and her willingness to cooperate are key in this. Hoping the p-doc is a good fit for your dd - that can make all the difference.

How do you like the resources in your new area? Do you think this will offer more opportunities for your dd to become successful in managing her BPD and hopefully recovery?

[theplotthickens]

I haven't read the other posts, but if your daughter is not able to keep herself safe and is mentally ill, you can get guardianship.  It is simple and was free in our county.  I highly recommend it, due to privacy laws that keep family out of the loop.  Check with NAMI and your local county mental health worker.

It is much easier to do before they turn 18!  Guardianship not mean that your child has to live with you, but you will retain medical powers to help keep your child safe.