One mystery I still can't solve...

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Even though I'm 99% sure my exgf has BPD, I still can't figure out one thing. We were together for almost 6 years and I never experienced the up and down relationship thing. We never had the fights that are so common with BPD relationships. Sure we had a few disagreements but they were talked out usually within a few minutes and never with screaming or any lack of respect. Our relationship was nothing but love and happiness. I know the quiet borderlines will act in but it usually doesn't take 6 years for them to be pushed over the edge.

When she ended us she did it in typical BPD style. Out of nowhere after 2 days before she was professing her love for me. Then she tried to blame me for everything accusing me of all sorts of (false) things. One example was that she accused me of not liking her tattoos. She also accused me of judging her for having a drink at dinner. Everything she accused me of she never accused me of in 6 years.

So my question is has anyone ever heard of a BPD relationship being all good without any turmoil for a really long term before the BPD vanishing act?

[hattrick]

Even though I'm 99% sure my exgf has BPD, I still can't figure out one thing. We were together for almost 6 years and I never experienced the up and down relationship thing. We never had the fights that are so common with BPD relationships. Sure we had a few disagreements but they were talked out usually within a few minutes and never with screaming or any lack of respect. Our relationship was nothing but love and happiness. I know the quiet borderlines will act in but it usually doesn't take 6 years for them to be pushed over the edge.

When she ended us she did it in typical BPD style. Out of nowhere after 2 days before she was professing her love for me. Then she tried to blame me for everything accusing me of all sorts of (false) things. One example was that she accused me of not liking her tattoos. She also accused me of judging her for having a drink at dinner. Everything she accused me of she never accused me of in 6 years.

So my question is has anyone ever heard of a BPD relationship being all good without any turmoil for a really long term before the BPD vanishing act?

[ReluctantSurvivor]

Yes.  My exBPDgf has been diagnosed as having BPD traits. We lived together for over 2 years.  We barely fought and it never escalated to yelling.  There were some issues but I thought they were personality quirks more than a full blown disorder.  We were planning a wedding and fall vacation one week, then she quit speaking and stopped eating for two weeks with no obvious provocation.  After two weeks she blew her top and quit the r/s.

[Mr. Solo]

Even though I'm 99% sure my exgf has BPD, I still can't figure out one thing. We were together for almost 6 years and I never experienced the up and down relationship thing. We never had the fights that are so common with BPD relationships. Sure we had a few disagreements but they were talked out usually within a few minutes and never with screaming or any lack of respect. Our relationship was nothing but love and happiness. I know the quiet borderlines will act in but it usually doesn't take 6 years for them to be pushed over the edge.

When she ended us she did it in typical BPD style. Out of nowhere after 2 days before she was professing her love for me. Then she tried to blame me for everything accusing me of all sorts of (false) things. One example was that she accused me of not liking her tattoos. She also accused me of judging her for having a drink at dinner. Everything she accused me of she never accused me of in 6 years.

So my question is has anyone ever heard of a BPD relationship being all good without any turmoil for a really long term before the BPD vanishing act?

My wife and I were married for almost 14 years before she flipped her lid. Like you and your girlfriend, we had disagreements and arguments every so often but nothing major. Other people were even jealous of our marriage. That's how good it was. I can look back now she has been diagnosed BPD and see small things related to her BPD during the first 14 years but it was not a huge problem (at least on the surface). When she flipped, she went full tilt, and hasn't been close to the same since.

Since she flipped, everything has been my fault. I have been accused of things I never did. Things that I did do are exaggerated or she twists them to mean something they had never meant before. Even good things that happened in our lives are distorted. Every so often, when she is what I call "in her right mind," she tells me she knows she is distorting things and she is sorry. But, hell, literally thirty minutes later she can be back to thinking everything is my fault. In fact, recently we were talking and she went on for ten minutes about how she screwed up, she knows she did this and that, she knows she was mean, etc., and later that night, when I asked a question related to what she said, she was back to me being the devil and claimed she doesn't remember saying the "good" stuff earlier that day. Very confusing and frustrating. I feel like we take a few steps forward and then, BAM, we are back to square one.

[nightmoves]

Looking back - I can see that the signs of BPD were there. Btu at the time, just thought it was occasional bad days and some really odd behavior.

Then at about year 15... .KA-BOOM... .

I was doing DOUBLE takes most every day... .

What is that? Do BPD's (at least high funcioning ones) simply hold it together all that time... .adn then let loose?

OR does ageing... .case the BPD t simpy egt MUCH worse.

[ReluctantSurvivor]

Looking back - I can see that the signs of BPD were there. Btu at the time, just thought it was occasional bad days and some really odd behavior.

Then at about year 15... .KA-BOOM... .

I was doing DOUBLE takes most every day... .

What is that? Do BPD's (at least high funcioning ones) simply hold it together all that time... .adn then let loose?

OR does ageing... .case the BPD t simpy egt MUCH worse.

I only did 2 years but there was the chaos of her custody fight for her son that fed her drama llama and gave her a place to direct her hate.  It was when life calmed down and I felt we had finally hit some stability that she nutted up.

  Turmoil brought her comfort.  Tranquility made her punch out.

[hattrick]

I appreciate the feedback. Wondering what to expect next. I know typically BPDs attempt to come back at some point. Should I expect that? Will she go completely psycho and stalk me? I am new to this game and not sure what comes next.

[Mr. Solo]

I appreciate the feedback. Wondering what to expect next. I know typically BPDs attempt to come back at some point. Should I expect that? Will she go completely psycho and stalk me? I am new to this game and not sure what comes next.

I have never been stalked by my wife that I know of. She may be doing things I cannot detect like checking social media. I sometimes get the feeling my wife blames me for everything and then tries to punish me for what she imagines I did. She usually doesn't stalk but grabs everything she can on the way out; the kids, clears out the bank accounts, takes personal things, etc., and then runs and hides.

[anxiety5]

There is so much in this thread I can relate with. Only comfortable when things were chaotic is brilliant. I met mine when she wasn't divorced yet. She is totally high functioning and there are SO many red flags looking back, I was a fool. But the irony is, our relationship turned into everything her marriage was after a year, and all the same stuff and reasons why he left. It was hell but I at least had my own place. My god, her poor ex. Being trapped in that toxicity with her must have been a nightmare.

She would have a trigger event and from there it was so discouraging, I would know what was coming next. I was onto her by then. She baited me into fights so that she could claim victim and make me the bad person. I remember not biting at all so she couldn't and she'd try harder. God I wish I had those conversations on record. It was basically like someone for 20 minutes straight conversing about things or making negative comments about my personality that aren't even related to the subject matter. It was like throwing a bucket of BS at a wall, to see what she could get to stick at me and have me bite. Much like a drug addict loses everything, I viewed her by that point as ill and didn't take it personal. I remember just smiling at her right after she said I wasn't nice enough to her neighbors (what?) And saying something like "You looked gorgeous tonight" ha ha. She would become enraged because I wouldn't bite.

Imagine drinking a gallon of water, and the incredible urge to use the restroom yet every time you tried, something blocked you from going. I feel like her rage had these cycles where she felt "Tired" and/or "overwhelmed" And she was so desperate to release her toxicity on me for that release, she would try and get me to fight. And when I wouldn't give her that release, she's have to hold it tighter which made her that much more angry. These are the times it's actually funny to me. Needing to blow up very bad, she would create a nuclear war fight by something like me not closing a door or being 1 minute late. Again, don't bite. Let them wallow in their own toxicity. Don't have it dumped on you.

I know mine could not handle change. I wonder if you all had some life event occur, change of job, etc that set them off.

[Gimme Peace]

He didn't show his true colors until the fourth year, before then we didn't argue at all. Later I found out that we the first year he cheated on me. Looking back there were red flags all over, I just didn't see them.

[hattrick]

Does anyone think that alcohol consumed while on prozac could be a factor. During the time she and I were a couple she had really stopped drinking very often. Only once in a while on special occasions. Right before she broke up with me she had been binge drinking with some new friends. I've read that drinking while on anti depressants can really mess someone up.

[Take2]

I've always wondered about this question because it seemed like my mom was pretty normal most of my life but then flipped her lid when I was in my 20s.

But my ex u BPD bf took a year only.  Although there were flags left and right immediately but it didn't add up for me at the time.

[anxiety5]

Does anyone think that alcohol consumed while on prozac could be a factor. During the time she and I were a couple she had really stopped drinking very often. Only once in a while on special occasions. Right before she broke up with me she had been binge drinking with some new friends. I've read that drinking while on anti depressants can really mess someone up.

I haven't read much on that. One thing to note, same subject matter but different link, there is data (but no major study as of yet) that indicates as many as 30-40% of people suffering from BPD all have an under active thyroid. The article I read said that it makes perfect sense the way the adrenal system fuels hormones and effects moods. My ex had this same issue, and what's more, so did her mother, her aunt and almost all females on that side of the family. The one person who did not have thyroid issues was her cousin and I said before knowing any of this that she was the only "normal" one of that group. When the 5 of them would get together it was like wicked witch fest. They all gang up, belittle, etc. Always miserable, etc. Very Very interesting. They really need to do more research on this. In theory, behavioral issues should NOT be predominantly one sex. If it's a nurture issue. Even with BPD they say there "may" be biological factors. There "may" be core issues from environment as children, the only commonality is that we really don't know with concrete evidence. Perhaps the way a low functioning thyroid impacts a woman is different than it would on a man. Again, I don't know I'm not a doctor it just seems like there may be something more to this and explain why it's a manifestation that mainly affects women (not to say men can't be diagnosed) Again, my point is not to label women, it's to point out that if doctors could somehow figure out it was related to a physical condition, it may be the smoking gun. That would be fantastic. Maybe not a cure, but any logical person can realize it's a lot easier to fix something and ensure it won't break again, when you know why it broke.

[hattrick]

I've been reading stuff about BPD for 2 months and have not heard of that. If there is something to that it would be fascinating. Think I'll be trying to find some info on this now. If there is a link between BPD and an underactive thyroid perhaps there would be a way to fix this with meds.

[peiper]

Does anyone think that alcohol consumed while on prozac could be a factor. During the time she and I were a couple she had really stopped drinking very often. Only once in a while on special occasions. Right before she broke up with me she had been binge drinking with some new friends. I've read that drinking while on anti depressants can really mess someone up.

I haven't read much on that. One thing to note, same subject matter but different link, there is data (but no major study as of yet) that indicates as many as 30-40% of people suffering from BPD all have an under active thyroid. The article I read said that it makes perfect sense the way the adrenal system fuels hormones and effects moods. My ex had this same issue, and what's more, so did her mother, her aunt and almost all females on that side of the family. The one person who did not have thyroid issues was her cousin and I said before knowing any of this that she was the only "normal" one of that group. When the 5 of them would get together it was like wicked witch fest. They all gang up, belittle, etc. Always miserable, etc. Very Very interesting. They really need to do more research on this. In theory, behavioral issues should NOT be predominantly one sex. If it's a nurture issue. Even with BPD they say there "may" be biological factors. There "may" be core issues from environment as children, the only commonality is that we really don't know with concrete evidence. Perhaps the way a low functioning thyroid impacts a woman is different than it would on a man. Again, I don't know I'm not a doctor it just seems like there may be something more to this and explain why it's a manifestation that mainly affects women (not to say men can't be diagnosed) Again, my point is not to label women, it's to point out that if doctors could somehow figure out it was related to a physical condition, it may be the smoking gun. That would be fantastic. Maybe not a cure, but any logical person can realize it's a lot easier to fix something and ensure it won't break again, when you know why it broke.

That is interesting as my Ex had to take pills for her  thyroid .

[whtjusthappened]

My intro post was exactly what you pose as a mystery... .could BPD be hiding for ten years?  We were really genuinely happy, up until I had to return to work.  My BF only knew me as a stay at home mom of three kids, and I was home raising them. My husband, with whom I had a marriage of convenience for the kids, went on a work strike, and drained our savings and pension, so I finally had to go back to work to save my family.  My "wonderful" BPDbf had a borderline meltdown from Hell and the rest is history... .absolutely Jeckyll and Hyde... .shocking.

[Climbmountains91]

Ive read so many BPD stories of them going in rages and money problems etc... But ive never seen him rage, not once. I find it fascinating when i hear stories about it because it hasnt happened once. If he is going off on one it will be about war, politics or a friend thats apparently being an idiot but i wouldn't even call that "rage". He's never directed it at me or about me anyway. 

Of course we've had arguments and looking back on the relationship of two and half years (got diagnosed last year) the BPD traits do make sense.

With money, he is good with money, I've learnt from him how to be good with money, he has got his good ways and i respect him so much for it. He's never once borrowed money off me, even when I've offered to buy him lunch or whatever he will not take it. And i dont think he would with his family/friends. Then i read BPD have got there non in debt and whatever.

I think it just depends on the individual.

[hattrick]

I've been researching a little today and it seems like a lot of the BPD symptoms that seem out of the ordinary for typical BPD behavior may indeed be attributed to underactive thyroid problems. Apparently during high times of stress the hypothyroid problems get worse just like BPD. I encourage others to research the thyroid problems themselves.

I believe my exgf has BPD and I would love to have her tested for hypothyroid. She has the symptoms to have a hypothyroid to go along with the symptoms of BPD. I now think that her BPD (undiagnosed) was of a severity that she could still function in our relationship but mixed with a hypothyroid put her over the edge. Since both BPD and hypothyroid symptoms get worse under heavy stress I believe she got so overwhelmed that she freaked and bailed. She had been under as much stress as she had ever been during our 6 years. She had even told me about a week prior to her breaking up with me that she was extremely stressed out and she hadn't felt like herself lately.

[workinprogress]

How about outside influences, like friends?  I believe that they have a lot to do with triggering BPDs.

My wife and I had gotten along great for 6 years.  Then she started hanging around some Stay At Home Moms that did nothing but cause problems for other people.

Shortly thereafter, I was painted black, I was refused sex, and so forth.

Then, during brief episodes that my wife and these people weren't getting along, I was suddenly recycled. 

When these women came back into her life, I was again painted black.

[slimmiller]

Looking back - I can see that the signs of BPD were there. Btu at the time, just thought it was occasional bad days and some really odd behavior.

Then at about year 15... .KA-BOOM... .

I was doing DOUBLE takes most every day... .

What is that? Do BPD's (at least high funcioning ones) simply hold it together all that time... .adn then let loose?

OR does ageing... .case the BPD t simpy egt MUCH worse.

I only did 2 years but there was the chaos of her custody fight for her son that fed her drama llama and gave her a place to direct her hate.  It was when life calmed down and I felt we had finally hit some stability that she nutted up.

  Turmoil brought her comfort.  Tranquility made her punch out.

Spot ON. I gotta print that one out. Nothing in the world and I mean nothing as horrid to my exBPD as normalcy

[Agent_of_Chaos]

I believe to have been in a 3 year relationship with a "waif". Perhaps your significant other was the quiet waif. Mine was. We had one maybe 2 major fights.  We bickered sure but it was nothing serious.  Most of our fights stemmed from me asking, "Why do you this if you know how its going to make me feel"? We had spent the entire weekend together and continued planning our vacation, and she hauled out of state the following Saturday.  There were no signs, there were no fights, just an abrupt heart ache.  Even though my wounds are fresh I still find myself asking... .what the hell happened?  Why didn't I see the big picture?

[hope2727]

I totally understand the friends are a big trigger thing.  Mine was fine until he changed jobs and went to work with the most NPD person I have ever known aka his best friend. It was wild. Within one week my loving kind supportive guy turned into a carbon copy of his best friend. I can't stand the friend so I couldn't stand the new version of my guy. And it all went straight to hell from there. Man I miss him. We were supposed to get married tomorrow.  :'(

[Take2]

I totally understand the friends are a big trigger thing.  Mine was fine until he changed jobs and went to work with the most NPD person I have ever known aka his best friend. It was wild. Within one week my loving kind supportive guy turned into a carbon copy of his best friend. I can't stand the friend so I couldn't stand the new version of my guy. And it all went straight to hell from there. Man I miss him. We were supposed to get married tomorrow.  :'(

I'm so sorry Hope2727... .  I wish you strength for tomorrow... . 

I never really thought about it - but now that you've said it, it's true that my ex would change any time he went and hung out with his narcissistic friend.  The friend is a major jerk.  And my ex would come away from those dinners with the friend acting exactly the same way.

[peiper]

I totally understand the friends are a big trigger thing.  Mine was fine until he changed jobs and went to work with the most NPD person I have ever known aka his best friend. It was wild. Within one week my loving kind supportive guy turned into a carbon copy of his best friend. I can't stand the friend so I couldn't stand the new version of my guy. And it all went straight to hell from there. Man I miss him. We were supposed to get married tomorrow.  :'(

That sucks, I'm so sorry Hope 

[workinprogress]

I totally understand the friends are a big trigger thing.  Mine was fine until he changed jobs and went to work with the most NPD person I have ever known aka his best friend. It was wild. Within one week my loving kind supportive guy turned into a carbon copy of his best friend. I can't stand the friend so I couldn't stand the new version of my guy. And it all went straight to hell from there. Man I miss him. We were supposed to get married tomorrow.  :'(

I'm so sorry.   

It is truly a blessing that you did not marry him.

My wife and I were so close.  She started hanging out with a woman who was a bit loud and obnoxious.  I was younger and at first I thought it was kind of funny.

Soon afterward, we had some changes at work.  I needed to put in some more hours during a transition and it seemed like this woman monopolized my wife's time.

Every time I came home this woman was in my house.  Even worse, she made sexual advances at me and my wife soon quit having sex with me.  BTW, this woman openly bragged about how she didn't sleep with her husband.

My wife transformed herself into a carbon copy of this other woman.  Meanwhile, I noticed that this other woman did her best to become my wife.  It was bizarre.  She would ask me if someone else came into my life if I would leave my wife.  I was like, "God no, I love my wife."

This was 16 years ago.  Not a day of my life goes  by without me cursing the day this woman came into our lives.

[hope2727]

Thank you everyone for all your support. I survived the day. He didn't reach out to me at all. No text or email or call. I worked , had a run and went for dinner with 3 wonderful friends who refused to let me be alone tonight.

I miss him so. Yes its likely a blessing I didn't marry him. But being with him has been a blessing too. I have learned so much from him both while he was wonderful and after his transformation. I toasted him at dinner with "I hope he finds peace and friends as wonderful as all of you". I truly hope he does.

Darling where ever you are I love you. Be well.