New Member - Finally Dealing with my Mother

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello, everyone.  I am new to this group and am looking for support/advise in dealing with my mother who is an undiagnosed BPD.  I am 43 and finally in therapy to gain tools and techniques to deal with my mother; however, my therapist does not specialize in this area and suggested I join a support group too.  Since I can remember, I have been a victim of "emotional incest" at the hands of my mother (showing me porno mags she found in the cellar when I was six and asking how they got there.  Her sick way of showing me what my father was doing).    I know the past is the past and I should move forward, but every time she tries to put my dad down and play the victim, those memories come flooding back.  I have tried countless times to get her to counseling and to be honest with that person, but in her eyes, she is a victim and her problems are caused by everyone else.   My parents are in their 60s now and penniless bc of her flighty nature (they have moved every 1-2 years since I can remember) and spending habits.   Yes, my father is at fault for allowing this to go on as long as it has too and not confronting the situation.

I fear I am near closing myself off from her entirely and do not want that, but how can I make this work if only one of us is trying?  If I try and have an adult conversation with her and she disagrees with me, I am the enemy and she will say extremely hurtful things.

I need help... .

Thank you in advance for any helpful advise you can give

[Dexter0420]

Hello, everyone.  I am new to this group and am looking for support/advise in dealing with my mother who is an undiagnosed BPD.  I am 43 and finally in therapy to gain tools and techniques to deal with my mother; however, my therapist does not specialize in this area and suggested I join a support group too.  Since I can remember, I have been a victim of "emotional incest" at the hands of my mother (showing me porno mags she found in the cellar when I was six and asking how they got there.  Her sick way of showing me what my father was doing).    I know the past is the past and I should move forward, but every time she tries to put my dad down and play the victim, those memories come flooding back.  I have tried countless times to get her to counseling and to be honest with that person, but in her eyes, she is a victim and her problems are caused by everyone else.   My parents are in their 60s now and penniless bc of her flighty nature (they have moved every 1-2 years since I can remember) and spending habits.   Yes, my father is at fault for allowing this to go on as long as it has too and not confronting the situation.

I fear I am near closing myself off from her entirely and do not want that, but how can I make this work if only one of us is trying?  If I try and have an adult conversation with her and she disagrees with me, I am the enemy and she will say extremely hurtful things.

I need help... .

Thank you in advance for any helpful advise you can give

[claudiaduffy]

Hi, Dexter,



Three cheers for you getting therapy to start getting this figured out. It's apparently a lot less complicated to get the ball rolling on this stuff before one's abusive parents are actually senior citizens with legit needs complicating the issues  , so I'm really glad for your sake that you've begun it.

I'm no professional, just have a uBPDmom (I'm well-boundaried and somewhat low contact with her) and a uBPDmother-in-law (extreme situation on that one - husband and I are no longer in contact with her and have had to speak with local law enforcement about her.) I can commiserate with you about the emotional incest. My mom used me for emotional support that she didn't think my dad was giving her, and simultaneously tried to have me as her replacement mom AND her permanent little baby. What a mess. And my husband's mom used him even worse and more blatantly. It's such a disgusting thing for a mom to do to a child; I am so very sorry you had that done to you. Utterly sick.

As far as "making it work" goes, you're probably going to have to get really realistic with yourself about what "making it work" can even mean. If it means "having a peaceful life where I can have some interaction with mom without wanting to constantly pull my hair out", you can probably do that - especially with the help of other folks around here who give excellent advice. But if "making it work" includes any level of "mom realizes at least a little that she has to grow and change", you will probably have a very hard time of it. Not to be depressing, just speaking from my own experience and from listening to others around here.

Do stick around! Folks are awesome in this place. Glad you're here.

[Harri]

Hi Dexter. 

Claudiaduffy is correct when she says you have to first look at what "making it work" looks like to you.  Chances are, you will not be able to have the typical, healthy, adult style relationship with your mother.  Sorry to be so direct, but you have to have a realistic idea of what is possible otherwise you just keep banging your head against the wall... .and that hurts. 

If I try and have an adult conversation with her and she disagrees with me, I am the enemy and she will say extremely hurtful things.

I think we can all relate to this.  There are tools listed on the site that can help you communicate in more healthy ways.  They take practice, but they do work (though I recently had a bit of a rant here about how I was too tired to learn use them!  LOL) 

There is a post called Lessons that is stickied at the top of this page that has some wonderful articles and links.  IMO understanding projection (about half way down the post of Lesson 2) is very important to understand when dealing with a pwBPD.  It helps put things into perspective.

Just read, post, ask questions.  We can all help you here. 

It is a lot to take in, but there is no time limit on this stuff (something I have to remind myself of often and others here help me to remember that as well). 

[Dexter0420]

Thank you, and you are right - I have to be realistic.  If at 60 she still can't admit she has issues, then it probably won't happen.  I definitely need to work on my own interpersonal skills, as she knows what buttons to push and I can be quick to anger in those situations.  I was and am so glad to have found this site and all the useful information and personal advice it has to offer.  She may be moving (again) within the month and I plan on seeing her this weekend before she leaves.  The last time I saw her, I worked a flea market with her for mother/daughter time only to find out she was hoping to make money so she could move.  Keep your fingers crossed!

[clljhns]

  Dexter0420,

Congratulations on taking the necessary steps for yourself! I agree with all those who have responded to your post, take the time to read the literature and post as often as you need to. This is an incredibly valuable site with people who have been where you are and can offer lots of support and advice.

I also have a unBPDmom who emotionally incested my oldest sister, but would openly discuss her hatred of our father. I can't count the number of times that she threatened divorce, but never to my father, only to us kids. My mother is 75 now and I went NC with my parents 10 years ago. I did have a conversation with her a few years ago, and it was quite strange. I can tell you that I do not miss the chaos and destruction that went with my relationship with my parents. It took time though. I went through a period of grieving and definitely FOG (Fear, Obligation, and Guilt).

Whatever you decide to do, therapy is a positive move for your own well-being. Keep posting here. We are here for you!

Peace and blessings!

[Harri]

Hi Dexter! 

I definitely need to work on my own interpersonal skills, as she knows what buttons to push and I can be quick to anger in those situations.

I used to get so frustrated that my mother/family knew exactly where and how to push my buttons for maximum effect... .until I realized they could do it so well because they are the ones who put them there!

Once I figured that out, I tapped into my excessive stubbornness and refused to react the same way I always did.  They still pushed, and even increased their attempts to push my buttons at first, but I stood firm and refused to let them see me reacting.  Though I still have some buttons, they are far less than I used to have.

So maybe this weekend you can practice a bit of focused stubbornness.      

[Dexter0420]

First and foremost I purchased surviving a borderline parent today and even though I'm only as far as chapter 2 I feel the author is talking to me.

I spent 5 hours with my mother yesterday and it was emotionally exhausting. For four of those hours (she "started" within 5 minutes of me picking her up), I refused to react and held my temper... .for the first 4 which is a huge accomplishment for me. I did ask her several times to stop the line of conversation bc it made me uncomfortable. She would for a few minutes and start right back where she left off. It wasn't until she said she just got a book on codependency bc she's suffered so during marriage. I asked I that made her feel justified in how I was treated as a child. She either had no recollection or completely twisted the truth. I excused myself and went to the bathroom to cry. I don't know what hurt more... .what happened throughout my childhood or her denying it happened.

She hugged me goodbye sobbing bc she's moving again, citing you can't have a relationship if only one person wants it. I feel broken bc I felt nothing, other than maybe contempt.

I will get back to the book now. Thanks to you all.