Bpd and entitlement

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

How do you handle their sense of entitlement?  It's bothering me a lot right now and I'm not sure how to handle it anymore.  I seriously feel like a parent lecturing a child about not taking things that don't belong to you.  Of course I find myself blowing up at the little things then  I look like the crazy person, flying off the handle for something seemingly insignificant - even though it's more like the straw that broke the camel's back, but of course he has no clue about the 50 million other things he's already "taken" from me.  I went on text rant earlier because he texted me that he took something of mine - albeit something very minor, but this happens all the time and I've already asked him repeatedly not to take it!  I already don't want him living with me and he makes it so much harder when he does this kind of stuff.  I'll make a big deal then he'll improve for awhile, but it always goes back to the same old thing!  For example I like my windows closed up (in case of rain, wind, etc.) when I'm out but since he moved in he likes to leave the windows open so I offered a compromise that he could leave them open a certain amount, but half the time I get home, the windows are wide open.   I also asked him to be sure he washes his dishes so I don't come home to dirty dishes (it's a pet peeve of mine)... .but even that might last a week or so then right back to dishes in the sink.  He doesn't pay me any rent, yes, lives with me for FREE.  But his sense of entitlement, makes him think he can live somewhere for free and live under his own set of rules - Sorry, buddy, it doesn't work like that!  These are really my 2 biggest pet peeves - the windows and the dishes, but he can't conform to my way, it has to be his way.  He doesn't clean, doesn't pay one single bill yet he acts likes it's his apartment and of course all I do is complain.  I keep telling him to go live somewhere else where he can do exactly what he likes, but as long as I'm paying ALL the damn bills and I do own my place that I should have it how I want it.

[grayarea]

How do you handle their sense of entitlement?  It's bothering me a lot right now and I'm not sure how to handle it anymore.  I seriously feel like a parent lecturing a child about not taking things that don't belong to you.  Of course I find myself blowing up at the little things then  I look like the crazy person, flying off the handle for something seemingly insignificant - even though it's more like the straw that broke the camel's back, but of course he has no clue about the 50 million other things he's already "taken" from me.  I went on text rant earlier because he texted me that he took something of mine - albeit something very minor, but this happens all the time and I've already asked him repeatedly not to take it!  I already don't want him living with me and he makes it so much harder when he does this kind of stuff.  I'll make a big deal then he'll improve for awhile, but it always goes back to the same old thing!  For example I like my windows closed up (in case of rain, wind, etc.) when I'm out but since he moved in he likes to leave the windows open so I offered a compromise that he could leave them open a certain amount, but half the time I get home, the windows are wide open.   I also asked him to be sure he washes his dishes so I don't come home to dirty dishes (it's a pet peeve of mine)... .but even that might last a week or so then right back to dishes in the sink.  He doesn't pay me any rent, yes, lives with me for FREE.  But his sense of entitlement, makes him think he can live somewhere for free and live under his own set of rules - Sorry, buddy, it doesn't work like that!  These are really my 2 biggest pet peeves - the windows and the dishes, but he can't conform to my way, it has to be his way.  He doesn't clean, doesn't pay one single bill yet he acts likes it's his apartment and of course all I do is complain.  I keep telling him to go live somewhere else where he can do exactly what he likes, but as long as I'm paying ALL the damn bills and I do own my place that I should have it how I want it.

[Perdita]

Hi Grayarea,

I have some of those same issues with my BPDbf.  He doesn't respect my things and this angers me quite a bit as I am someone who takes care of what she has.  He on the other hand doesn't seem to value anything he owns.  I swear sometimes it is like he wants to break and ruin everything he has.  The windows!  Yeah, have that too, but for me it is mostly a security issue.  I hate it when we go out and he leaves the windows open.  He is in the habit now of trying to hide it from me by closing the windows but not putting them on the latch!  I mean, what trouble can it be to just close them properly and give me that bit of peace of mind that no one is going to come in while we are out and possibly still be there when we get back?

The dishes.  I usually do that.  Lately though he has started insisting on doing it himself.  "I'll do it tonight".  Well, tonight comes and goes, tomorrow night comes and goes, the next night comes and goes.  In the end I am left with the pile as there is no choice but to wash them or there won't be anything clean to eat from.

All so annoying to put up with day in and day out.  I already give so much to this "relationship".  I honestly can't give anymore.

[grayarea]

Thank you so much for your reply, Perdita.  You have no idea how much relief I feel right knowing that you understand exactly what I'm talking about.  Your last line really resonated with me as it described how I'm feeling.  It's hard to put with this stuff on a daily basis, and like you, I feel like what else can you he possibly want/need from me when I've already given him everything?  Geez what is up with the windows and dishes?  I know exactly what you mean... .why can't he just lock the damn windows if he's already closing them especially when it bothers you?  I think it's a control thing - they just can't let us be in control of anything, they have to micromanage everything and it is absolutely annoying!  I was so angry last night and still am today... .and I know he knows he's wrong because this morning he got up early and made me a nice breakfast before I left.  Being all cheery and telling me to have a good day.  Ugh... .I could care less about that.  How's about apologizing and stop touching my stuff!  Anyway sorry that you are dealing with all this too, but you are not alone!  Thanks again.

[grayarea]

Oh and what you said about taking care of your things and valuing them - yes, I'm the same way and my bf doesn't seem to value or appreciate anything he has.  During one of his first rages, he actually broke his laptop into a million pieces and I just couldn't believe it because it was basically all he had and he had pictures of his kids on there that were irreplaceable.  He's also broken numerous cell phones and of course I'd always have to pay to have them replaced since he's always broke... .but he doesn't care, not his money, not his problem!

[Perdita]

Thank you so much for your reply, Perdita.  You have no idea how much relief I feel right knowing that you understand exactly what I'm talking about.

I think we all just need some validation.  It is so hard to explain to other people what we are going through.  They don't understand that it is not just the big things, but more than anything it is the many many little things that add up over a period of time.  My BPDbf sneaked all those things up on me and I didn't realize how big the pile of crap had become.

Your last line really resonated with me as it described how I'm feeling.  It's hard to put with this stuff on a daily basis, and like you, I feel like what else can you he possibly want/need from me when I've already given him everything?

Good to know I'm not alone in that.  I've given my all.  There is nothing more I can do.  I guess the bottom line is that no matter what we do it will never be enough for them.  That probably explains why so many of us now have low self-esteem.  If you are givng your all to the person you love and it is still not good enough . . . how can one feel good about that? It makes me feel like I am the one who does not know how to love and if I don't know how to love then there must be something very wrong with me.

I think it's a control thing - they just can't let us be in control of anything, they have to micromanage everything and it is absolutely annoying!

I think your observation is spot on.  It is about control.

I was so angry last night and still am today... .and I know he knows he's wrong because this morning he got up early and made me a nice breakfast before I left.  Being all cheery and telling me to have a good day.  Ugh... .I could care less about that.  How's about apologizing and stop touching my stuff! 

That describes my bf so well.  He does the same.  Sometimes I think the reason he is cheerful afterwards is because he is happy that he upset me.  Like he got his fix.  Irritating.  What stands out most was when he was beating his chest with his fist and telling me "I don't feel anything for you in my heart".  Then he immediately said he had to get back to work and told me to have a nice day!  All cheerful.

He's also broken numerous cell phones

Same here.  Almost hit me in the face one time when he threw his phone.

[maxen]

may i chime in to say i had the same issue in my marriage, and i'm still a bit angry about it. my w was very cavalier about the personal property of others (mine) and very presumptuous about the money of others (mine).

I also asked him to be sure he washes his dishes so I don't come home to dirty dishes (it's a pet peeve of mine)... .but even that might last a week or so then right back to dishes in the sink.

this was my first real indication that there was going to be a problem. she simply would not clean up after herself. dishes uncleaned, food bits left on the counter, out of date stuff in the fridge left to turn and never tossed, lights left on, fans left on, etc. i realized, foggily, that this was her way of asking to be taken care of. it was an attempt to establish a dependent relationship, and i needed a partner.

[Perdita]

out of date stuff in the fridge left to turn and never tossed, lights left on, fans left on, etc.

Same here.  The food thing drives me crazy.  I can hardly believe how wasteful one person can be.  The lights, fans etc left on is all too familiar to me too.  I am always walking around his place switching off the lights.  It doesn't matter how sunny a day it is, when I get there several of the lights are on.  Then he never understands why his electricity bill is so high. 

Then there are the traffic fines.  They just keep on coming.  Another big one yesterday again.  I didn't say anything about the last one, but did notice the oh so proud smirk on his face about that fine.  He never pays any of them.  Let's see how big he smiles when they lock him up.

[howcanI?]

Oh. My. Goodness.  How good it feels to say "I don't get it but I DO recognize it" from all of you!  Allowing my tools to get rusty or broken, destroying/neglecting things I have given him, bottomless pit of need and sense that I OWE him somehow.  Thought re "having no more to give":  when I finally reached the realization that I would NEVER make him happy, and could NEVER give enough, I had a sense of peace and release.  I could actually stop trying and turn my attention to myself, for once. Accepting that we cannot fix them can be really liberating!

[Aussie0zborn]

Get rid of him.