Went to court today

[david]

I actually was in the courtroom so we are getting closer. Ex's atty wanted a conference in chambers. That is the judge and both atty's. That was about 40 minutes.

We went to another room after that. My atty basically told me what happened. Ex's atty said I was alienating the children against her. My atty pointed out that the evaluation report made no mention what so ever about alienation. He ratty countered that it was too subtle for the evaluator to see ? Than her atty said I assaulted her client and went to prison. My atty explained I was convicted of disorderly conduct 4 years ago and went to prison for two weeks. The judge asked who the judge on that case was. My atty told him and he replied that he was surprised I didn't go to jail for 6 months. That judge has a reputation in the courts as a loose canon and very erratic. They went back and forth. Judge did not want to have a hearing today because he figured it would be too long and he had too many cases that day. My atty had two sheets of paper summarizing all the evidence he had top present. It's two years worth.

An temp agreement was reached that I have the boys every Thursday until the hearing. That was my number one concern so I got that. Ex refused to agree to a ROFR and the judge let her. I think he is setting her up. Ex also wanted the entire Thanksgiving holiday. It is normally 50/50 but she wants to take the boys to Colorado to visit some of her family. I explained that the boys went two times already and hated both times. They do not want to go again. My atty said to let this one go for the future. I was hesistant but figured ex will not be able to get S16 or S11 to be agreeable and she will have her hands full just trying. That is her problem. I doubt they will be going.

The agreement is a court order until we actually do get in front of a judge.

Ex's atty also wanted a co parent counselor. We never had one of them. My atty told me that it shouldn't be a problem. He said to stand your ground when something doesn't work for the kids and things will be fine. I guess ex is reaching on this. She tried to intimidate the evaluator and that backfired.

Now for the really crazy part. Ex and I went to Mexico around 15 years ago. I saw this dress I thought she would look good in and said I wanted to buy it for her. It was white and I don't really know how to describe it except to say it looked hand woven or embroidered. Anyway she said there was no way she would ever wear a peasants dress. Yea, big red flag that I missed. Well about two years after that we went to a high end clothing farm. They sheared their own sheep and made  dresses out of it. I saw a dress that looked similar except for the price. It was around 400 dollars. I thought it would look good on her and she agreed. I never seen her in that dress until   drumroll please   yes you guessed it. I almost laughed out loud. I have no idea as to the why but it does show she has a memory.

[livednlearned]

If you go to the first consultation for the coparenting therapist (probably on your own the first time), point out to your attorney that the waiver says there is no confidentiality and that you don't need to spend money for a witness. You have enough evidence already. It's a waste of money -- the therapist won't have any influence or authority. You've had a pc before so you know how this goes 

It's a good sign that you were awarded Thursdays. Congratulations, david. Even though it's a continuance of sorts, at least you walked away with something that's good for the boys.

Weird about the dress. 

[scraps66]

Finally some however melodramatic good news.

I just start co-parent counsleing - 4yrs post custody order - and we had both children and the two of us the first session.  This counselor is good  At the first meeting I asked about documentation and a report back to the court.  The Dr. said he can't issue anything unless we BOTH consent to a reprot going to court.  So this won't be done, obviously, and again the court is making us do stuff that costs money and has no impact.  The only thing I can do is document the sessions and the fact that I will consent to a report.  I was told that is is the Dr's. license that prevents divulging confidential info without consetn, even if a judge says he has to.  So it may not be possible to waive confidentiality via the court?   

[ForeverDad]

Then her atty said I assaulted her client and went to prison. My atty explained I was convicted of disorderly conduct 4 years ago and went to prison for two weeks. The judge asked who the judge on that case was. My atty told him and he replied that he was surprised I didn't go to jail for 6 months. That judge has a reputation in the courts as a loose canon and very erratic.

Shouldn't the lawyer have added that one child said he didn't see anything and the other said it didn't happen, so it was basically he-said she-said, then after the judgment was issued, the judge strung you along talking of a reconsideration but on the last day for appeal said No and there was no time left for you to find the right place to file an appeal?

[david]

FD, yes my atty did point out that our son testified and said I didn't do it. Forgot to add that. My atty said if ex's atty does bring it up in court it will be a non factor now. He did not think it was a big deal to begin with. He really liked the judge's opinion of the other judge. He said most people in the courts feel the same way but rarely state it unless in a private conversation.

My 

[david]

I don't get the coparent counselor at this point. We have been separated since 2007. We only communicate through email. Yes I get that the counselor is supposed to help us communicate better.

I sent an email today to ex. My atty suggested it. Basically I asked her that if she was not going to be at her residence on Tues or Wed (her custodial days) that she allow me to pick the boys up at school so I can help them with their school work. Currently she is working most Tuesdays and the boys come home to an empty house and she arrives around 10pm. They are 16 and 11. I think they are safe but I don't think S16 should be parenting S11, cooking him dinner, checking his homework, etc . if another parent is available. How do you coparent with someone like that ? You don't because you can't. I added that she could pick them up in the evening or let them sleepover. She replied by forwarding the email to her atty. I also received the email. My take is ex will say I am harrassing her. This goes right to the heart of the matter.

[whirlpoollife]

David, I was glad to see you got the Thurs. But I was also wondering about the parent counseling.

Your L sounded good till he told you that shouldn't be a problem. This prepares me when something like this arises and under pressure, to slow my answers of agreeing to something.

With my first L, and the first custody hearing, h wanted the kids to have their own L, GAL, and take parenting classes. My then L just pushed it through in a matter of minutes without my fully understanding it. I think the parenting classes are standard but my current L said the kids did not need a GAL.

It's too bad you don't have the kids for after school on tues and wed. I have a friend who is a teacher, her daughters are in jr high. She goes over their lesson plans for the week and being a teacher she makes sure all of it is done.   At 16 kids still need the consistent push and watch for academics and life skills. 

[david]

I have the boys every Monday and an overnight. I had the boys on Thursday but had to drop them off at 9pm. I have been trying to get Thursday overnight because it would then give me more time on Monday and Thursday for my 16 year old. EX has resisted anhd I thought it was just a control thing. However, when we went through a custody eval the only thing she brought up was that child support would change. She actually had the number figured out. Having Thursday overnight makes custody 50/50.

My atty is much better then my previous one. I have made several non negotiable items and he has gotten or kept them as is. He still hasn't dealt with my ex enough to realize she has some serious issues or he wants the counseling to cement everything with no wiggle room for ex.

I have no intention of letting the ROFR disappear as it is now. I plan on documenting every time she is not with the boys during her time from her until the hearing. Our S16 needs more focus and I have been talking to him all summer. So far he has three 100 and one 98. Last year he was holding B's and C's.

I am a high school teacher and can help both boys much better then ex. Our S11 rarely does his homework at his moms even though she has more time during the school year. He does over 90% when with me. Half of the homework he does at her place has mistakes. Most of the mistakes is from not reading the directions and answering the question asked. I have copies of them all. This year is no different and it's only been three weeks now.

I don't realy know what to expect from the coparent counseling. Our communication has evolved from talking on the phone to email only. The reason is that ex has filed three protection orders against me and one charge of assault. I did nothing wrong at anytime and email was the only way I could figure out how to eliminate those false allegations. I also have a video and audio recorder with me whenever I pick the boys up. Ex has tried repeatedly to try to stop me. She made it an issue when the attys were in chambers. My atty said the judge was a little concerned about that since it is illegal. I don't record my ex. I am actually recording myself. I point the video camera at me and turn the camera on. If ex accuses me of hitting , yelling, etc I have me doing none of that.

[ForeverDad]

Do you remember the old saying, so well used in the Star Trek episode where the Klingons broadcast fake distress calls to lure the Enterprise away?  When the second distress call came in, Scotty said, "Fool me once, shame on me.  Fool me twice, shame on you!"

I agree, you can't be without insurance the next time she makes allegations in court.  Once is enough.

[whirlpoollife]

Weird about the dress.   

I wanted to add that earlier. Was her thinking to make you look at her with awe how beautiful I'm so sorry honey. Or was it a curve ball for distraction. Or just can't  reason it... .

[david]

Weird about the dress... .I really don't know what to make of it except it stood out very clearly to me. I used to try to figure out her reasoning years ago when she first left.  I gave that up because it doesn't matter and is not important about our boys. I am fairly certain it was meant for me in some way since I had never seen her in that dress and I bought it for her 15 to 20 years ago. I didn't even realize she still had it.

She is very in to clothes and one of the issues we had together was her constantly buying clothes in excess. When she first left I started looking through our house. I never looked around like that before. Every bedroom closet was at least half full with her clothes. The one that was half full was the closet I used. All the other bedrooms, it was a four bedroom colonial, were full of dresses. Most of them still had the price tags on them. She had hundreds of shoes in their original boxes with the price tags on most of them. She had two 55 gallon trash bags full of bras ? and a lot of them were from Victoria Secret so you can imagine the $$$ she was spending. She had rubbermaid tots filled with pocketbooks/purses. I counted them at 167. I mean lots of clothes.

After she left the boys would tell me she would wear a dress and shoes in her apartment. She hadn't removed the price tags. After she wore them she would return them so she could buy something else.

So she had lots of choices as to what she was going to wear. The odds of her randomly picking that dress seem slim so I assume it was a purposeful choice on her part. Just don't know the purpose.

[david]

Had our first co parent counseling meeting last Monday. The counselor spent most of the time talking to ex and she really helped my case.

She brought up the fact that we have a temp order giving me extra time during the school year and this also gives us 50/50. The counselor asked her why that was not okay. She had nothing to say except I would now have 50/50 as if that by itself was a bad thing. She also said that she got the boys the entire Thanksgiving holiday this year in exchange so she could take the boys and her to visit her family in Colorado. She said that the boys told her they didn't want to go so they were not going. After the meeting I realized she did not say she wasn't going and I have learned how to interpret what and how she says things. I sent her an email Monday evening asking if she was still going to Colorado. She replied that she would get back to me on Friday. So I do know how to interpret ex ! She replied that she would be gone the entire week and that I will be taking care of the boys. I have no problem agreeing and did just that.

The counselor asked her several times, in slightly different ways, if the boys were the ones that decided whether they were going to Colorado or not. She said yes each time and added her own thoughts: She took them there before and they loved it, they are always telling her what to do, the majority of her siblings live there and they are family too, and a few other things but they were not as significant as those statements. The counselor asked again, "So the children decided they were not going to Colorado ?" and she answered yes. They are 16 and 11.

I didn't say much at this first meeting but I do have a lot to say. Just waiting my time.

[momtara]

Well, good, she's going without them.  That sets a good precedent for you.  Do you think the counselor was smart?

[ForeverDad]

By asking a second time was the counselor trying to send a subtle hint that minor children don't tell the parent what to do?

[livednlearned]

I have the same question as FD. Did your ex seem to understand that it's weird to let the kids dictate whether they go with her to see extended family for the holidays?

[momtara]

Also, maybe she wanted to make sure it really was coming from them, and not you.

[david]

Both of those ideas crossed my mind at the meeting. The way the conversation went I believe he was trying to see if ex understood that the kids were actually doing the parenting at her place. That is why I just let her talk as much as she wanted. The counselor appeared to get it and ex did not so he could see what I was dealing with. We have more meetings so I figured this would set the tone and I could bring up things that I viewed as important the next time.