Addiction/APD -- SS22

[NorthernGirl]

I've posted for several years on the Co-Parenting board after realizing that DH's ex is likely BPD. DH and his ex have three sons together. The one we're having the most challenges with right now is SS22 -- an addict who has relapsed and is being enabled by his mom.

SS22 has been in four treatment programs since he was 15 -- the first was an outpatient program for dual diagnosis -- addiction and anxiety. Since then he has been in juvenile jail (stole a car while drunk), in and out of shelters, lived with his mom, then not, before finally moving away from her last year. The most recent treatment program was a religious based program (SS22 isn't religious but was appeasing his mom) where there was little counselling. After all the programs, he has relapsed fairly quickly, although he did manage to hold down a job, stay out of jail and live many miles away from his mom this last year.

Things fell apart this summer after SS22 admitted to DH that he was struggling with depression and anxiety, and was finding it more and more difficult to go to work. DH suggested (as he has many times) he see a counsellor, reminded him of the contact numbers he could call for help, etc. Despite all the T's he has seen and attempts for them to reach him, SS22 has admitted he has never really opened up to counsellors (we knew this from talking with all his T's). He said he was ready to do that this summer, then said his mom was getting involved (she told him she would pick someone for him) and then it appears he went to one person once or twice but stopped. Then his drug used increased to the point he stopped going to work, gave up his apartment, etc. He moved in with his mom, she kicked him out, then he moved back in with her where he is now.

Over the years, DH and I have worked with all of SS22's counsellors, gone to Al Anon, worked with our own counsellors, etc. We know his mother is enabling him and we have worked hard not to do that. DH has consistently delivered the messages that when SS22 is ready to work on his recovery, we are there for him. And that if he needs money or support to get him to counselling, we will do that. DH tends to be optimistic with SS22 (sees him getting a job or passing high school as signs he is "better" and I tend to be realistic (recognize the lies that come with addiction, wait for his actions rather than believing his words, etc.)

This week DH got an email from SS22 asking him to pay off some of his drug debt because his mom had "done her part". We know this request is likely coming from his mom, and in fact the specific debt he wants DH to pay is for a cell phone his mom gave him that he sold for drugs. DH said no (which he has consistently said to previous requests to pay off his debt, pay for a hotel room to help him escape, etc.).

SS22 also said he has diagnosed himself with Avoidant Personality Disorder. I had to look it up, as I'd never heard of it. It actually doesn't seem like SS22. He has been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder but said after going on the web and reading about this one, it "fits". We realize that he is likely still using drugs (his mom only just rescued him a few days ago) or he is trying desperately not to use (not easy when living in close quarters with his mom) so isn't in the best condition to be diagnosing anything.

It is hard to sit back and watch all of this. We know many of SS22's issues stem from being raised by a mom who struggles with regulating her emotions. As his mom's All Good child he hasn't got very good coping skills or self-awareness. For years, his only response to anything to do with his feelings was "I'm fine." His counsellors realized that he could not label most of the feelings he had. And he rarely spoke to a counsellor about anything his mom ever done or said. When he finally opened up to one and the T realized what was going on, they worked on strategies to help him communicate with her. She quickly figured it out and raged at both the T and SS22, pulled her funding for the program (it was about 12K/mth) and sent scathing emails to the program - despite the fact she had picked it. SS22 pulled out and relapsed shortly after.

Now that SS22 is an adult, we can do very little. If he goes into a program, we will only be involved if he asks for it and if it is considered part of the program. We know that his mom is heavily influencing his decisions. As she always had, she will promise rewards if he goes to a program of her choice. When he finished the last program she gave him money, a new wardrobe, a new computer and cell phone, and a monthly allowance. We can't and won't compete with that.

And among the occasional phone call (blaming his brother for his problems) and emails from SS22, DH is also getting scathing emails from his ex.

So we sit and wait, hoping that SS22 can get to rock bottom and then somehow get to a program where he will get the real help he needs. Sigh.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Oh, NorthernGirl... .

I know just what you are going through, though it's my son who is BPD, not a stepson. And at least he doesn't have a difficult-to-deal-with Mom    But, I do know the trials and tribulations of a BPD son with all sorts of troubles, including drug addictions and co-morbid diagnoses... .If you check the link at the top of my signature line (or click on the globe under my books), you'll see his/my story... .

I want you to know I understand what you are going through, NorthernGirl  

*The links to the right-hand side of this page are really good in helping us learn how to deal with our kids with BPD, and every one of them is enlightening. We do have a couple of new (or updated) Articles that have more information: How to get a BPD loved one into Therapy and Supporting a Child in Therapy for BPD. Whether our child is in or not in Therapy, both of these Articles have really good tips on how to deal with them and help them through their troubles. I really highly recommend them to any parent of a child with BPD.

[pessim-optimist]

That must be so very frustrating, NothernGirl... .

Do you feel like this is another cycle of the same ol' same old?

Does he stay in contact while he is living with mom? (even if it's the scathing e-mails?)

Do you feel like it's all back to square one and waiting for all the things to align back to where they were in the summer?

You are correct that he needs to want to get better and you can only help if he wants it... .But it IS super hard to just watch the predictable patterns.

How are you and your husband coping with this?

[MammaMia]

Northerngirl

Has your SS22 ever lived with his father or with you and his father?  If his mother is a toxic influence, perhaps it is time to see if more involvement from his Dad would stabilize him, aside from providing him with monetary assistance.

Your SS may feel he has no choice but to deal with his mother, which does not seem to be working, and it does not sound like he can be self-sufficient right now.

[NorthernGirl]

Thanks for your responses Rapt Reader, passim-optimist and MammaMia.

Rapt Reader -- our concern is SS22 likely doesn't have a personality disorder, but his mom is trying to convince him that he is the one with a PD, not her. 

pessi-optimist -- it has definitely been frustrating, and sad.

Do you feel like this is another cycle of the same ol' same old? Somewhat, although in the past SS22 has admitted he is anxious but that is about it. The APD self-diagnosis is new.

Does he stay in contact while he is living with mom? (even if it's the scathing e-mails?)  He was staying in touch but DH looked back at the last few notes when he was with his mom, and SS22's emails are usually just asking for help paying off debts or for us to store the stuff his mom doesn't want at her place. His last phone call DH could hear his ex coaching SS22 on what to say. Finally DH said that he would love to talk with SS22 but not with his mom telling him what to say. SS22 hasn't called again.

Do you feel like it's all back to square one and waiting for all the things to align back to where they were in the summer? A relapse means square one, and we've been here before. The pattern seems to be -- he does okay for a bit, then gets into bad drugs (as opposed to just alcohol/weed), then he runs out of money and starts stealing, then he's on the street with drug dealers trying to track him down, then he calls DH asking for money, then he calls Mom to save him, then he lives with her/leaves/lives with her again, then he agrees to go to the program of her choice. So he is following that same pattern.

How are you and your husband coping with this? We are doing okay, but lots of sadness, frustration, reflection, etc. Sometimes we question what we could/should be doing (maybe help him more, let him live with us again). We're also a bit jumpy -- waiting for the late night phone call from the police, etc. 

MammaMia --

Has your SS22 ever lived with his father or with you and his father? Yes, but not for any length of time. When I met DH, SS22 was 14 and lived mostly with his mom. Then at 15 he asked to live more with his Dad, and his mom went wild -- raging for days, staging an "intervention" with her mother and finally painted him black (eventually bought a condo without room for him.)

But at 15 when he moved in with DH, SS22 had been drinking and using marijuana to cope with his anxiety for a few years. When it was clear he couldn't control his drinking, DH and his ex sent him to treatment programs and between programs SS22 lived with DH. He and I worked with counsellors, etc. on aftercare strategies and developed a "contract" of what needed to be in place for SS22 to live with us.

The biggest issue is we do not want SS22 living here when he is relapse -- he lies, manipulates, steals (from anyone, including his special needs brother who lived with us). When DH and I first bought our house together, SS22 had just finished up a program and came to live with us. He immediately broke the contract (stole money, bought a bunch of alcohol and drank it all while I was upstairs). At that point, DH had signed a legal document saying that if SS22 breached his probation (for earlier car theft), DH had to turn him in to police. Stealing and drinking breached his contract, so DH turned him in. What a horrible day that was.

We have told SS22 he can move in with us when he meets the conditions of the contract (with things like him not stealing, in counselling, etc.) But he only wants to live with us when he relapses, otherwise he says he wants to be independent. So we have said we will provide him with things that will help him lead a healthy lifestyle -- pay for counselling, exercise, yoga, etc. A few months ago he decided he wanted a bike to allow him to get some exercise so we bought him one for his birthday and he said he was using it all the time. He has now admitted he sold the bike a few weeks ago to buy drugs.

It is incredibly frustrating. We know he needs to be away from his mom, but she allows him to live with her when he relapses. He knows she will enable him -- pay his debts, give him cash, buy him stuff. But it is always temporary because he continues to use, and she doesn't get that he can't just quite. She will be pushing hard to get him into a treatment program. Treatment is good, but only if he participates. And he hasn't done that so far.

As so we wait.

[pessim-optimist]

Hm, what a crummy situation. It looks like another lap around the familiar territory, doesn't it?

Do you think that SS22 has a particular goal with this new self-diagnosis, or not really?

I think you are doing the best you can under these circumstances... .

(Unless some genius therapist can come up with something helpful that you haven't tried yet)

Are you paying attention to self-care? What kind of enjoyable activities do you prefer for that? What brings you and your husband together?

[NorthernGirl]

(Unless some genius therapist can come up with something helpful that you haven't tried yet)

Maybe I'll take out an ad -- looking for genius therapist who can help!    Really, it probably is just that SS22 needs to open up to a good therapist who quickly sees through his mom (she usually demands she go to any first appointment) and gets SS22 to open up about all that has gone on. I don't think DH knew the extent of his ex's impact on the kids (well, frankly on him too) because of F.O.G. when they were together. And he honestly thought that when SS22 said he was fine, well he was. But of course, he wasn't.

We really don't know where the self-diagnosis came from. He really may have some type of personality disorder. I don't see any signs of BPD in him, but it could be that he has APD and has been hiding some of his symptoms. He's lost his friends/jobs due to his addictions for sure (usually because of stealing/lying) but maybe there is more to that. We're actually hoping that if he goes to treatment and there is someone he connects with, maybe they will help him discover the root of the problems.

Luckily DH and I had help early on in our marriage that got us to focus on self-care and staying strong as a couple. I went to a great stepmom coach who pushed hard for me to do more for me. And we've had the help of our own counselors plus the kids' (SS20 and SS22) in helping us work through how to focus on us as a couple. And I got tons of support here and on a stepmom website. And read tons and tons.

I honestly don't think our marriage could have survived without all the help.

But somehow it doesn't make all this with SS22 easier. It just makes it okay for us to keep going on, somewhat warily. If you know what I mean.

Thanks for letting me vent. I have worn out my friends and family's ears over time, and mostly they can't really relate to the PD stuff or the addiction stuff. They all know that DH is a good man, and that's why I do my best to help him and his kids.

[pessim-optimist]

But somehow it doesn't make all this with SS22 easier. It just makes it okay for us to keep going on, somewhat warily. If you know what I mean.

I do know what you mean. We have been in the same spot for a couple of months ourselves... .

Different situation, though - after SD33 re-connecting with us in the spring, she and her family were supposed to visit us, which they re-scheduled and cancelled several times, and now she has completely dysregulated again and gone NC for no particular reason connected to us. It's really sad and frustrating to be working so hard and then have it all crumble again. 

[MammaMia]

NorthernGirl

You have a very difficult situation. 

It is a shame your DH's ex does not see how she enables her son.  She needs to focus on a viable solution rather than creating more issues.  SS22 is fortunate to have a father who is working toward helping him, and, hopefully, one day, he will realize this and start making the right choices instead of the easy choices. 

SS is an adult and the responsibility ultimately should be his.

[NorthernGirl]

It's really sad and frustrating to be working so hard and then have it all crumble again. 

It's hard being a spectator, especially when you can see that if they took some action, things might be different. But as MammaMia says, these are adults, and we only have so much influence on them. It makes me very sad to realize the potential that SS22 has (he is kind, smart, good looking, athletic) and how he isn't reaching any of it at the moment. We just cross our fingers he will see this at some point.

DH just got another blasting email from SS22, but we suspect it is written by or strongly influenced by his mom. There is a lot of stuff blaming DH and SS24. And then comments about this has nothing to do with his mom. We suspect she is feeling incredible guilt and is trying to offload some of it on DH. If it is written by SS22, he is clearly believing a bunch of lies from his mom. Regardless he is in a bad place. And according to his younger brother, it will be months before SS22 can get into the program his mom has picked for him. A few months with his dysregulated mom is not a good place for him to be. I don't know what he'll do.

[pessim-optimist]

You are right, it IS hard being a mere spectator. On the other hand, it is also a blessing to have the luxury to detach, let go, and take a break from it.

A few months with his dysregulated mom is not a good place for him to be. I don't know what he'll do.

Who knows, this might be the ideal situation for SS22 to become uncomfortable enough to leave, and to reach out to you... .

DH just got another blasting email from SS22, but we suspect it is written by or strongly influenced by his mom. There is a lot of stuff blaming DH and SS24. And then comments about this has nothing to do with his mom. We suspect she is feeling incredible guilt and is trying to offload some of it on DH. If it is written by SS22, he is clearly believing a bunch of lies from his mom. Regardless he is in a bad place.

Those are really hard. We usually try to find some sentiment/feeling to validate, we steer clear of the "issues" piled up (as they are often a 'red herring' and we affirm our love and an open door.

What's the likely goal of the ex in this? To get you upset and cause a fight between you and SS22? How can you avoid playing out her scenario and be a stabilizing force in this instead?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[NorthernGirl]

We suspect that SS22 is having a rough time -- he is either still using (and stealing in order to do it, because he has no money) or is trying to detox at his mom's. Not an easy thing to do with professional help, let alone a BPD mom.

I also suspect his mom is in a bad place. She suffers from depression (the boys talk about how she gets gloomy for days.). She has moved to a new city to "save" SS20 and SS22 (who both moved away to get some independence.) She doesn't have a job (has either quit or lost all the jobs she has had since I've known DH.) She was in an on-again, off-again relationship for many years (I'd guess they broke up a dozen times) but the boys say that is over, so she is no doubt lonely. I suspect her goal is to target DH because it makes her feel better.

On what we can do to avoid playing out her scenario, that's the million $ question. If SS22 is still using, it is no use trying to have a conversation with him about all of this as his thinking will be distorted. If he isn't using, he is likely going through a difficult detox.

A few years ago, SS22's counselor told DH that he needs to be the steady one -- to keep saying the same things -- so when SS22 is ready to seek help, he knows he can turn to DH. DH has been as steady as he can, checking in regularly, telling SS22 he loves and believes in him, cheering on his victories, listening to him, etc. But so far, SS22 still hasn't really accepted that he's an addict or that he needs counselling.

There's a piece of me thinking we should be actively trying to convince SS22 to get away from his mom. But if she has paid all his debts as we suspect, he will feel huge obligation to stay with her. And now that he has no phone and lives with his mom, we know any communication from DH will be read by his ex so it wouldn't be easy to get any message to him.

I like your comment that it is a blessing to have the luxury to detach. We need to remind ourselves that we have pulled ourselves out of the cycle (early on before counselling, DH was trying desperately to do all he could to control the situation, such as sleeping on the floor of SS22's room to stop him from jumping out the window again to look for drugs. We can now see that there is no way to control an addict. And that trying to do things for him just reinforce that he can't do things himself.

I wish there was an easy answer.

[Thursday]

Hi Northern-

Just wanted you to know that I read your post with empathy- I am also step-mom and came into my SD's life at about the same time you came into your SS's life. Our situation is a bit different though- her Mom is dead (died when SD was within weeks of turning 13. SD is in recovery (she is 23) and lives with her maternal grandmother who enables her in various ways. Kind of like enabling "lite". Or grandmothering on steroids maybe.

A few thoughts as per your situation-

Dual diagnoses programs can work but I am pretty sure everyone has to be on the same page for it to be the most successful.

The addiction piece has to be addressed. Period. But you and your DH obviously know that.

In our case, my SD has  personality disorder but it takes a back seat to her addiction problems. She is almost 4 years sober now- the personality disorder stuff is pretty minimal- she gets anxious and stalls out but she is working part time and has a place to live and is making good choices. The worst of the PD right now is stuff like hypochondria and overspending. She is a disaster with her intrapersonal relationships. She still drives like a bat out of hell. She has a hard time figuring out who she is (feels pretty empty but will generally listen to positives about herself now that she has sobriety). She is also terribly immature.

I can only imagine how hard it must be to have someone who is working against your SS in his life in such a big way. My SD does have the enabling of her GM BUT SD wanted to get sober. It was at the end of a long road of very dysfunctional behavior and I can't say I exactly know why but she got to her bottom and bought into AA with great conviction (at least as much conviction as she can summon... .) and from what we know, she is an inspiration to kids with addiction who are in her age group and younger (her immaturity almost works for her as regards her role in AA).

My DH used to enable. Kudos to your husband for figuring out that sleeping on the floor in his son's room to keep him from his drugs was not the way to go... .oh how I can relate.

I think there is a great chance that if you and your DH continue to have firm boundaries, continue to have strong core values and stick together and show him your tight bond and your sweet life, if he can get clean he will be able to see it and want similar for himself. Hang in there... .it is hard but so beneficial to let these kids dangle and figure it out for themselves with a solid place to land.

trying to do things for him just reinforces that he can't do things himself.

That is the key!

Hang in there!

Thursday