Where is my anger?

[Agent_of_Chaos]

When am I going to hit the anger stage?  Is this stage necessary to complete the grieving process?  I am working through my grieving (although I am trying to maintain a friendship so long as she gets help) but it’s like I’m having an internal struggle trying to get angry.

Although I am experiencing extreme suffering over the loss of the “relationship”, I realize that the person I loved was ill.  I remind myself of that to keep myself grounded.  Perhaps it is a coping mechanism. At the same time, although she suffers from BPD, I still believe people know right and wrong.  If I focus on her deception and the possibility of her cheating, only then do I begin to get bitter.

It doesn’t allow me to get completely enraged b/c I have no tangible proof. I only have suspicions, some stronger than others.  It causes more pain than anger though.  Despite the way things transpired, despite the emotional rollercoaster she put me through, I just don’t get to the point where I feel angry.  By all means I have many reasons to be livid but, the only emotion I truly feel is sadness.

I have bad days and ok days.  Some days I cry some days I don’t.  If I think about missing her for more than a few seconds the flood gates open.  It’s almost as if the pain is lurking right at the surface, and if I give it even the slightest scratch... .look out.

[Samuel S.]

Indeed, you truly are going through the grieving stage, and it is an extremely difficult stage. You expended a lot of time into this relationship, and she has given you all the signs for you wanting to lose her.

As for your anger, my counselor recommended journaling as a way to release all kinds of emotions, and I suggest that you do the same, if you are not doing so already.

I also suggest that you do things that you enjoy as a means to validate yourself, if you are not doing so already. Of course, this will not invalidate all the negativity that she gave you, although it is a way to fill the value, the love, the trust that you have for yourself.

I too have been experiencing the same kinds of emotions that you are experiencing, although I am still in the relationship. I don't know how I do it or why. My BPDw says she loves me; however, when she focuses so much on being busy and when she breaks promises for us like going out for lunch, it is extremely challenging for me to trust her. Granted, she makes us meals, but then, her relationship is with the food that she prepares, but not for our relationship. In fact, she told me that preparing food for us is the only way she can express her love to me.

Agent of Chaos, all I can say is that you need to take care of yourself. It is only by doing so, that you will give yourself the freedom to release her from your life in every respect.

[Agent_of_Chaos]

Indeed, you truly are going through the grieving stage, and it is an extremely difficult stage. You expended a lot of time into this relationship, and she has given you all the signs for you wanting to lose her.

As for your anger, my counselor recommended journaling as a way to release all kinds of emotions, and I suggest that you do the same, if you are not doing so already.

I also suggest that you do things that you enjoy as a means to validate yourself, if you are not doing so already. Of course, this will not invalidate all the negativity that she gave you, although it is a way to fill the value, the love, the trust that you have for yourself.

I too have been experiencing the same kinds of emotions that you are experiencing, although I am still in the relationship. I don't know how I do it or why. My BPDw says she loves me; however, when she focuses so much on being busy and when she breaks promises for us like going out for lunch, it is extremely challenging for me to trust her. Granted, she makes us meals, but then, her relationship is with the food that she prepares, but not for our relationship. In fact, she told me that preparing food for us is the only way she can express her love to me.

Agent of Chaos, all I can say is that you need to take care of yourself. It is only by doing so, that you will give yourself the freedom to release her from your life in every respect.

Thank you for the compassionate reply.  I am torn because I still want to stand by her side.  While she ended the relationship (and i'm coming to terms with that) I still made the commitment to be there if she got help.  She desperately needs help.  I don't want to be like everyone who just deems her as a poor person and hits the road.  I know that she has created her own mayhem and at this point, I question the validity of her version of "her past".  The thing is I don't want to sit around waiting for her to get help.  I feel like she still gets what she wants while I try and figure my life out.  I don't know why my heart is masked by sympathy rather than anger.

She's ill and she's going to lead a very empty/confusing life if she doesn't seek treatment.  Had I discovered this illness prior to all this, maybe we'd still be in the relationship.  If I had, we could have seeked treatment sooner.  She just coined herself as an "evil" person.  I didn't see the big picture.  I just thought her BPD traits were short comings over her over all character and that eventually my love would change that.  It's messed up, I know.

[Indyan]

I feel the same.

Well, I'm not an angry person in general anyway, even if I feel injustice very strongly. I feel deep sadness rather.

I do get a fleeting angry sensation at times, and I'm starting to wonder if it's not a survival mechanism that prevents me from collapsing.

Me too, I do feel betrayal. When I start to think of the things he did to me (leaving me for his FOO, telling lies about me, making himself the victim of it all etc), the injustice is so obvious that I start to feel "I should" be angry.

But he is ill... .although that's not "an excuse"... .you know that sort of thinking that goes round in circles.

I too feel that he needed help months ago and I tried to help him, to find a therapist, to listen to him... .that was before his paranoia and his turning against me.

I feel that if only he had seen a psychiatrist instead of a psychologist, things would have been different... .what if... .what if... .but the fact is WE'VE DONE OUR BEST.

I don't want to feel guilt anymore, although I do feel regrets.

It hurts, it hurts deeply.

[vortex of confusion]

Thank you for the compassionate reply.  I am torn because I still want to stand by her side.  While she ended the relationship (and i'm coming to terms with that) I still made the commitment to be there if she got help.  She desperately needs help.  I don't want to be like everyone who just deems her as a poor person and hits the road.  I know that she has created her own mayhem and at this point, I question the validity of her version of "her past".  The thing is I don't want to sit around waiting for her to get help.  I feel like she still gets what she wants while I try and figure my life out.  I don't know why my heart is masked by sympathy rather than anger.

Of course you want to stand by her side. You love her and want what is best for her. I have felt that way about my husband for years. We have been together for close to 18 years (married 16.5). It is so much easier to feel sadness and sympathy. I don't like being angry because I do stupid stuff when angry. There are a lot of things about my husband that I question. Somewhere along the way, I think I went from sympathy and sadness to being a bit apathetic. And, I feel a lot of disgust towards my husband. Don't sit around waiting for her to get help. Go on with your life. The biggest mistake I feel that I have made is thinking that he could get help and things would be better. I always held out hope that things would change.

She's ill and she's going to lead a very empty/confusing life if she doesn't seek treatment.  Had I discovered this illness prior to all this, maybe we'd still be in the relationship.  If I had, we could have seeked treatment sooner.  She just coined herself as an "evil" person.  I didn't see the big picture.  I just thought her BPD traits were short comings over her over all character and that eventually my love would change that.  It's messed up, I know.

Love cannot and will not change them. Love is not enough. It takes them actually wanting to change. It is so much easier for them to say, "I'm just evil" or "I am just {fill in the blank with negativity}" than it is for them to do the work of making their lives different. It's a cop out and it makes them sound like the victim while you stand on the sidelines confused as can be.

[fred6]

Of course you want to stand by her side. You love her and want what is best for her. I have felt that way about my husband for years. We have been together for close to 18 years (married 16.5). It is so much easier to feel sadness and sympathy. I don't like being angry because I do stupid stuff when angry. There are a lot of things about my husband that I question. Somewhere along the way, I think I went from sympathy and sadness to being a bit apathetic. And, I feel a lot of disgust towards my husband. Don't sit around waiting for her to get help. Go on with your life. The biggest mistake I feel that I have made is thinking that he could get help and things would be better. I always held out hope that things would change.

Yeah, I still want to hold out hope that my ex will get help. But I know her too well, she is too strong willed. I guess the reason is that I want to know that I really meant something to her. But I'm starting to realize that I'm just another guy on her list.

Love cannot and will not change them. Love is not enough. It takes them actually wanting to change. It is so much easier for them to say, "I'm just evil" or "I am just {fill in the blank with negativity}" than it is for them to do the work of making their lives different. It's a cop out and it makes them sound like the victim while you stand on the sidelines confused as can be.

Again, correct. They don't know love. My ex always said, "that's just who I am". She always said it like she was proud of it. Made no sense to me, but then again, it shouldn't make sense given her mental issues... .

[hattrick]

Agent of Chaos,

I know exactly what you mean. I feel more sadness than anger as well. I feel it's because I still love her. I do have moments of anger but they don't last because I know that's she's mentally ill and probably hope that she will come back to me and I can get her the help she needs. I think perhaps you only get permanently angry once you give up on the relationship completely.

[Agent_of_Chaos]

Agent of Chaos,

I know exactly what you mean. I feel more sadness than anger as well. I feel it's because I still love her. I do have moments of anger but they don't last because I know that's she's mentally ill and probably hope that she will come back to me and I can get her the help she needs. I think perhaps you only get permanently angry once you give up on the relationship completely.

I understand that all too well.

[Agent_of_Chaos]

Love cannot and will not change them. Love is not enough. It takes them actually wanting to change. It is so much easier for them to say, "I'm just evil" or "I am just {fill in the blank with negativity}" than it is for them to do the work of making their lives different. It's a cop out and it makes them sound like the victim while you stand on the sidelines confused as can be.

I can't tell you how many times I said to her... .sometimes love just isn't enough.  Little did I know how much truth I was actually speaking.  It baffles me how her having BPD (undiagnosed) was right under my nose the whole time.  Absolutely mind blowing.

[antonio1213]

I am one month post b/u. And I am in the anger stage. I guess the reason why is because I think about how much I went through and sacrificed for her and when she is faced with something that might seem fun she darts to it. I think about all the times I scarified relationships, times, money, events, holidays, other woman (who would have treated me better), fun times etc. etc. And how she never really reciprocated the same to me. This is where my anger comes from. Also a lot of built up from over the course of the relationship.