replaced, are they really so cold and easy in forgetting?

[balou_k]

Still wondering, even after al those words, even after the silence...

After a relationship what lasted more then 3 years, a roller coaster, beautiful moments. I loved more than I could imagine, wanted someone so bad, truly thought she was the one...

We were engaged since the beginning of this year, we talked about our future life's, made plans, could talk for hours from the very first day we met. Love at first sight...

But there were dark times, agression, cheating, lying, hurting, times of depression...

I broke the relationship because I thought it was better for me, it made me tired and it made me feel like I wasn't good enough, never good enough...

At first she told me I was her true and only love, she didn't wanted anyone else... When I replied I missed her and wanted her back to she said she wanted to continu our relationship but the next day she sad she lost herself and didn't know what to do. She couldn't tell me she didn't love me, but she made no choice.

When I went to her she ignored me and walked away, it broke my heart...

Since a couple of weeks she has a relationship with someone she cheated on two years ago... The girl she's with now was a friend of mine, telling me my ex didn't deserve me, and that she didn't wanted her because my ex threathend her when she wanted to tell me about te cheating. And because her own mother has borderline she didn't wanted a relationship with someone who has borderline... And now? They're happy together, I'm replaced... Or, it feels like I am...

Is it really that easy for someone with borderline to forget? To tell them someone 'you are everything' and then... I can't understand, it hurts so bad...

[balou_k]

Maybe it's not clear in the topic titel and text, but my ex girlfriend has borderline. Sorry for this oneliner.

[Agent_of_Chaos]

Still wondering, even after al those words, even after the silence...

After a relationship what lasted more then 3 years, a roller coaster, beautiful moments. I loved more than I could imagine, wanted someone so bad, truly thought she was the one...

We were engaged since the beginning of this year, we talked about our future life's, made plans, could talk for hours from the very first day we met. Love at first sight...

But there were dark times, agression, cheating, lying, hurting, times of depression...

I broke the relationship because I thought it was better for me, it made me tired and it made me feel like I wasn't good enough, never good enough...

At first she told me I was her true and only love, she didn't wanted anyone else... When I replied I missed her and wanted her back to she said she wanted to continu our relationship but the next day she sad she lost herself and didn't know what to do. She couldn't tell me she didn't love me, but she made no choice.

When I went to her she ignored me and walked away, it broke my heart...

Since a couple of weeks she has a relationship with someone she cheated on two years ago... The girl she's with now was a friend of mine, telling me my ex didn't deserve me, and that she didn't wanted her because my ex threathend her when she wanted to tell me about te cheating. And because her own mother has borderline she didn't wanted a relationship with someone who has borderline... And now? They're happy together, I'm replaced... Or, it feels like I am...

Is it really that easy for someone with borderline to forget? To tell them someone 'you are everything' and then... I can't understand, it hurts so bad...

Like you, I am new to this.  My emotions are scattered all over the place.  Like you, my ex was telling me a week before she broke up with me how in love with me she was and we were making plans to vacation over Christmas.  Our relationship was hit and miss.  I always considered her a loose cannon and never really knew where I stood in the relationship.  She wasn't volatile or aggressive.  She spun lies (usually minute that I know of), couldn't hold a job, was impulsive.  It wasn't until the last year I've really seen her spiraling.  I knew something was off, I just couldn't put my finger on it.  She started doing the push and pull and then finally ended things.

I don't think they people with BPD forget, they just process emotions differently.  We grieve while they move on.  From what I gather upon reading these boards, people with BPD create fantasies for themselves.  We too become apart of these fantasies only for us it is our reality.  When she loved you she probably meant it at the time.  I know it hurts, trust me.  I am going through the same exact emotions as you are.  For me to admit that she probably meant it when she said her feelings had change... .is heart breaking.  5 breaths later she was saying she loved me.  How could this be? 

Our hysterical emotions are actual levels of pain that we are feeling.  Our brain is trying to digest everything at once.  With people suffering from BPD they have constructed walls so that when they begin to feel anything outside of their comfort zone they are triggered.  These triggers often lead to their own self destruction.  They abandon the very thing they crave.

By them replacing us they don't have to feel the loss.  They forget because they don't really have the chance to remember.  The cycle has begun once again.  The fantasy is recreated.  We become another chapter in their book.  Meanwhile, we are stuck here with our hearts in our hands asking what the hell just happened.

[balou_k]

Thank you very much for your reply, it helps knowing that I am not the only one...

A week before I broke the relationship she send me a card saying every day I love you more, I want to grow old with you... It's just 5/6 weeks a go that she told me she loved me and didn't want anyone else... It doesn't make any sense and that's very hard for me...

She also was impulsive, couldn't handle money I don't know how they say it in English but her in the Netherlands we say 'rood staan' red in money... On the bank she didn't had 1000 euro but minus 1000...

She always felt empty she said, empty but her head was full...

I don't want to miss her, I don't want to want her... When does it get any better? I broke up with her the 10th of August... And then we had a couple of weeks 'I love you and I want you back'

I'm kinda lucky that the rest of my life goes so well, but again it feels so unfair.

[Vindi]

it will take time for your heart to heal... .you went with her for 3 years, but you even said, you couldn't handle it anymore... .dont' talk to her, text her, nothing... .you need to quick her cold turkey, and I hope you are... .it will take time... .take this time to care about yourself and your wants and needs... .I am sure a few months from now you will still feel hurt but as more time goes by, your heart will heal. And she probably did, just replace you, she will go thru the same pattern with the next guy, never having a fulfilling relationship... .yes, she may be cold, but its easier to just pick up another guy and that temporarily erases all the time she spent with you, sounds like she will just replace you... .and a few years or maybe less, she will do the same with the next guy. Sounds like a lot of excess baggage on her part.

Take this time to focus on you and no turning back.

I wish you strength and support!

[Agent_of_Chaos]

Thank you very much for your reply, it helps knowing that I am not the only one...

A week before I broke the relationship she send me a card saying every day I love you more, I want to grow old with you... It's just 5/6 weeks a go that she told me she loved me and didn't want anyone else... It doesn't make any sense and that's very hard for me...

She also was impulsive, couldn't handle money I don't know how they say it in English but her in the Netherlands we say 'rood staan' red in money... On the bank she didn't had 1000 euro but minus 1000...

She always felt empty she said, empty but her head was full...

I don't want to miss her, I don't want to want her... When does it get any better? I broke up with her the 10th of August... And then we had a couple of weeks 'I love you and I want you back'

I'm kinda lucky that the rest of my life goes so well, but again it feels so unfair.

I don't think its possible to put a time frame on how the heart heals unfortunately my friend.  The way I see it, I was with her for 3 years.  It took me a year to tell her I was in love with her and the 2 years after that I fell deeper and deeper.  I wanted to make sure I was certain before I said those 3 words.  Considering that, I don't expect to heal over night.  It may take months but hopefully no longer than a year.  Right now I am trying to focus on dealing with the fact the future I had hoped for is no longer.  One day at a time. 

I think some people  get in tune with their anger much better than I am and that may allow them to heal faster.  It is case by case.  You are human.  You are hurting.  Your ego is bruised.  You feel rejected.  Of course you are going to miss her and want her back.  I struggle with it as well.  I know that the only way I would consider having a relationship again however, is if she sought treatment.  In combination I would be willing to go to couples counseling.  I am severely co-dependent and I think it would benefit both of us.

What has been helping me is seeing the situation for what it is.  Realizing my partner had a disorder and educating myself about it answered questions that had been plaguing my brain.  Sometimes it makes the reality of the situation much more painful because it falsifies this beautiful world I had created.  It changes my future, my dreams, and where I thought my life was heading. 

You will get through this although it will be miserable.  You may cry and cry and cry... .and yep, cry.  Eventually your heart and your head begin working together.  Tbh, I think they create their very own push and pull.  Come on here and read, journal, talk to someone you can open yourself up to.  If you can seek out a therapist then do so.  There is no shame in that.

[balou_k]

I didn't talk or texted her for 4 weeks now I guess... 2 weeks ago she texted me a bunch of mean things so I blocked her from whatsapp, and de-friend her on Facebook and everything when I Broke up.

I did felt that way yes, felt tired of fighting and trying to do the best I could. But I can't stop thinking what if I tried just a little harder...

I'm a girl, I'm bi-sexual, she is a lesbische, or she says she is...

I refuse to run back, I won't and I can't... also because I'm replaced...

Thank you for your kind words.

[Deeno02]

Its the biggest thing I cant seem to wrap my head around. The speed with which I was replaced. Hurts me to no end and its like our year and a half together didnt mean one thing to her. This is the most painful part.

[balou_k]

Thank you very much for your reply, it helps knowing that I am not the only one...

A week before I broke the relationship she send me a card saying every day I love you more, I want to grow old with you... It's just 5/6 weeks a go that she told me she loved me and didn't want anyone else... It doesn't make any sense and that's very hard for me...

She also was impulsive, couldn't handle money I don't know how they say it in English but her in the Netherlands we say 'rood staan' red in money... On the bank she didn't had 1000 euro but minus 1000...

She always felt empty she said, empty but her head was full...

I don't want to miss her, I don't want to want her... When does it get any better? I broke up with her the 10th of August... And then we had a couple of weeks 'I love you and I want you back'

I'm kinda lucky that the rest of my life goes so well, but again it feels so unfair.

I don't think its possible to put a time frame on how the heart heals unfortunately my friend.  The way I see it, I was with her for 3 years.  It took me a year to tell her I was in love with her and the 2 years after that I fell deeper and deeper.  I wanted to make sure I was certain before I said those 3 words.  Considering that, I don't expect to heal over night.  It may take months but hopefully no longer than a year.  Right now I am trying to focus on dealing with the fact the future I had hoped for is no longer.  One day at a time. 

I think some people  get in tune with their anger much better than I am and that may allow them to heal faster.  It is case by case.  You are human.  You are hurting.  Your ego is bruised.  You feel rejected.  Of course you are going to miss her and want her back.  I struggle with it as well.  I know that the only way I would consider having a relationship again however, is if she sought treatment.  In combination I would be willing to go to couples counseling.  I am severely co-dependent and I think it would benefit both of us.

What has been helping me is seeing the situation for what it is.  Realizing my partner had a disorder and educating myself about it answered questions that had been plaguing my brain.  Sometimes it makes the reality of the situation much more painful because it falsifies this beautiful world I had created.  It changes my future, my dreams, and where I thought my life was heading. 

You will get through this although it will be miserable.  You may cry and cry and cry... .and yep, cry.  Eventually your heart and your head begin working together.  Tbh, I think they create their very own push and pull.  Come on here and read, journal, talk to someone you can open yourself up to.  If you can seek out a therapist then do so.  There is no shame in that.

It gives me tears in my eyes... When I broke up I asked her to go to therapy again, she said she wanted to do anything for us...

I understand what you mean... All those future plans just gone, no hope no more dreams... Al those beautiful moments, I miss them all, every second of the day... It's hard because I don't understand, I don't understand how someone can do such a thing. And because I can't understand it makes it hard to let go...

It's nice to read all the messages from other people who went trough the same. It creates a bond I guess, and it makes me feel less alone.

[balou_k]

Its the biggest thing I cant seem to wrap my head around. The speed with which I was replaced. Hurts me to no end and its like our year and a half together didnt mean one thing to her. This is the most painful part.

It is isn't it...

We were engaged, I propesed to her at the beginning of this year on the place we first saw each other. Made it beautiful and put a lot of effort in it.

And yes I know I'm young and this isn't the end of the world, but it feels like it somehow...

[Deeno02]

Its the biggest thing I cant seem to wrap my head around. The speed with which I was replaced. Hurts me to no end and its like our year and a half together didnt mean one thing to her. This is the most painful part.

It is isn't it...

We were engaged, I propesed to her at the beginning of this year on the place we first saw each other. Made it beautiful and put a lot of effort in it.

And yes I know I'm young and this isn't the end of the world, but it feels like it somehow...

Im 51 Balou. When I was 25, I wouldnt have batted an eye at this. Seems harder as you get older. I was going to propose to her on her birthday 1 October. I was going to make a life for her 5 and my 2 kids. Now I look at the ring as a monumental reminder of my stupidity.

[Agent_of_Chaos]

I understand what you mean... All those future plans just gone, no hope no more dreams... Al those beautiful moments, I miss them all, every second of the day... It's hard because I don't understand, I don't understand how someone can do such a thing. And because I can't understand it makes it hard to let go...

It's nice to read all the messages from other people who went trough the same. It creates a bond I guess, and it makes me feel less alone.

We can't fully understand because we aren't suffering through the disorder.  If you try and answer that you will create more pain aside from the pain you are feeling.  It is maddening I know. 

[balou_k]

The engagement ring I gave to her... Yes . I know have it in a envelope along with a letter I wrote... I can't stand the sight of it, can't stand to see the card she sent me a week before the break... So I send it back... Childiss I know but it seemed as if it all were lies wrote on it... Each day I love you more, I want to grow old with you...

Sometimes it hurts so much that it looks like I can crawl onto walls... And for what?

I'm a nice person with the heart on the right place, I always want to do good, I do my best to live my life to the fullest... I'm worth so much more but I can't stand the toughts of loving someone else...

For the record I'm only 22, green as grass and maybe a bit naive... I know... But I tried so hard, and gave everything I had, every piece of my heart, but it wasn't enough... How can I ever trust someone again, or love someone again...

By the way, as you can see I'm Dutch so my English might be uhmm not so good...

[Deeno02]

The engagement ring I gave to her... Yes . I know have it in a envelope along with a letter I wrote... I can't stand the sight of it, can't stand to see the card she sent me a week before the break... So I send it back... Childiss I know but it seemed as if it all were lies wrote on it... Each day I love you more, I want to grow old with you...

Sometimes it hurts so much that it looks like I can crawl onto walls... And for what?

I'm a nice person with the heart on the right place, I always want to do good, I do my best to live my life to the fullest... I'm worth so much more but I can't stand the toughts of loving someone else...

For the record I'm only 22, green as grass and maybe a bit naive... I know... But I tried so hard, and gave everything I had, every piece of my heart, but it wasn't enough... How can I ever trust someone again, or love someone again...

By the way, as you can see I'm Dutch so my English might be uhmm not so good...

We all did Balou. Thats why we are all so hurt. Every age is represented on this forum. Its not just for you young folks. We all felt the burning love, regardless of age. Here we all are. Broken, bent, shattered, but here together.

[myself]

How can I ever trust someone again, or love someone again...

I gave mine a ring, we were about to be married, she's gone now too.

There's been a lot of pain with that, but in the end, it's best to let it go.

How to trust again? To love again? By being yourself. You were able to do it with her, and you did. Now, with even more awareness, you'll be that much better at it with the next person (not that this has been your fault). But first you need to grieve this loss and pick yourself up again. You're already doing that, as well. Create your peace. With time and effort you'll succeed. Keep looking for solutions. Keep looking at your own actions/reactions. Change what needs to be changed, and also appreciate and honor what is good about you. The more sure of yourself you become, the more you'll be able to trust, and to share your love with someone who is taking the same kind of steps toward that. This was one person it didn't work out with. Not everyone is going to be like that. The troubles of today will fade, believe it.

[Heartbroken Eagle]

I spent 12 years with my ex fiancee, before we split 20 months ago, after her lying and cheating.

Not only did she shortly broke up with the low life she had the affair with, she quickly found another victim soon afterwards, he moved into our old house, got engaged and next month will be married.

It's like all that time together has counted for nothing and I feel that I was just a piece of dog dirt to her. The lack of remorse from her is frightening.

I remember her saying at the time of the split that she did love me, but how can I believe her?

Now I've taken my blinkers off my eyes, I now realised that this is true 'her' coming out and I've played a fool!

Christ this hurts. I really can't see myself in another relationship again... .

[btbh]

Read this awhile ago on this site and kept it as my screen saver till my BPDex is out of my life for good.


Because the replacement is just that. A replacement. pwBPD cannot cope without someone validating them in "some" way. Without that validation, they are lost in the wilderness of pain. The replacement can do that for now, because they do not know the pwBPD yet.

Because I know now that I was not special to my pwBPD. He merely needed me. There is a distinct difference between love and need, and pwBPD need us for survival from aforementioned "wilderness of pain".

Because they are the same person in this new "relationship" that they were with us. They are essentially mirroring the new person for now, and soon the mirror will turn. An abuser does not stop abusing the new partner. That is how they function, and have functioned for years. It's new to us, it's not new to them.

Again, this disorder was there long before us and will be there long after. Unless the pwBPD dies or gets help.

Feel some sorrow for the new victim, they have no idea what they are walking into, and will someday feel the intense pain that we feel.

We are just one in a long string of people to be hurt by a pwBPD. The choice you have here is to continue to be a victim, or to pull yourself out of it and make a new life, with a person who can REALLY love you back, with mutual respect and love.

Oh, and do yourself a favor, don't find out anything regarding your expwBPD. It just brings more pain. Truly let him or her go. Radio silence from here to eternity.

[camuse]

Cold yes, but they don't forget.

Mine went on about her exes all the time, how they'd treated her badly, abused her and hated her.

That's what yours is maybe saying about you now.

But do they really believe that, deep down? I don't think so. At the end, when I was being split, mine disassociated slightly and said "at least xxxx cared about me." Now I was black, the abusive ex white again.

I don't think they forget - they don't have amnesia. Nor they they really believe the lies about you. They just shut the truth out and hide from their shame. Repeat, repeat, repeat.

[balou_k]

I don't have any contact with her, blocked her everywhere... For my own sake though, so I can't see any of her happy Facebook messages with her new big true love.

The person she's with now isn't clueless... I told her severall things about my ex borderline girlfriend. (She was a friend of mine I thought... ) and she had her own experience with her... My ex cheated on me with her and after that she endangered her and told her that if she would tell me she would find her and hurt her.

You would say the girl knows better by now...

Yes al of her exes were bad, mean and they al did something that hurt my ex. I can't stand the thought of her telling lies about me... What she did a several times when we were togheter to a friend, I found out because she always looked funny at me...

Then I asked my ex to tell her the truth and so she did... I got an excuse from her friend but I now wonder if my ex is not telling lies again...

[Deeno02]

Read this awhile ago on this site and kept it as my screen saver till my BPDex is out of my life for good.


Because the replacement is just that. A replacement. pwBPD cannot cope without someone validating them in "some" way. Without that validation, they are lost in the wilderness of pain. The replacement can do that for now, because they do not know the pwBPD yet.

Because I know now that I was not special to my pwBPD. He merely needed me. There is a distinct difference between love and need, and pwBPD need us for survival from aforementioned "wilderness of pain".

Because they are the same person in this new "relationship" that they were with us. They are essentially mirroring the new person for now, and soon the mirror will turn. An abuser does not stop abusing the new partner. That is how they function, and have functioned for years. It's new to us, it's not new to them.

Again, this disorder was there long before us and will be there long after. Unless the pwBPD dies or gets help.

Feel some sorrow for the new victim, they have no idea what they are walking into, and will someday feel the intense pain that we feel.

We are just one in a long string of people to be hurt by a pwBPD. The choice you have here is to continue to be a victim, or to pull yourself out of it and make a new life, with a person who can REALLY love you back, with mutual respect and love.

Oh, and do yourself a favor, don't find out anything regarding your expwBPD. It just brings more pain. Truly let him or her go. Radio silence from here to eternity.

I have no ill will towards the replacement. Not his fault. He just goes by what he was told. She's known him since college (about 20 years) thats all I know. As my "T" says, "he may "know" her, but he doesnt "know" her. Lots changed in 20 years. Im worried she will try to recycle me.

[Heartbroken Eagle]

Read this awhile ago on this site and kept it as my screen saver till my BPDex is out of my life for good.


Because the replacement is just that. A replacement. pwBPD cannot cope without someone validating them in "some" way. Without that validation, they are lost in the wilderness of pain. The replacement can do that for now, because they do not know the pwBPD yet.

Because I know now that I was not special to my pwBPD. He merely needed me. There is a distinct difference between love and need, and pwBPD need us for survival from aforementioned "wilderness of pain".

Because they are the same person in this new "relationship" that they were with us. They are essentially mirroring the new person for now, and soon the mirror will turn. An abuser does not stop abusing the new partner. That is how they function, and have functioned for years. It's new to us, it's not new to them.

Again, this disorder was there long before us and will be there long after. Unless the pwBPD dies or gets help.

Feel some sorrow for the new victim, they have no idea what they are walking into, and will someday feel the intense pain that we feel.

We are just one in a long string of people to be hurt by a pwBPD. The choice you have here is to continue to be a victim, or to pull yourself out of it and make a new life, with a person who can REALLY love you back, with mutual respect and love.

Oh, and do yourself a favor, don't find out anything regarding your expwBPD. It just brings more pain. Truly let him or her go. Radio silence from here to eternity.

Thanks btbh, these are truly wise words and totally on the money.

I have a son with my ex, hence No Contact is not an option.

However, when I have him he does regularly make an observation about his mother which is scary.

He says that his Mum has changed so much since she has met her new partner. She always sides with him, does everything he says and is even talking like him.

My son is only 8!

[going places]

I went thru stages:

1. WOW this is not happening, what did *I* do wrong, how can *I* be everything he's ever wanted?

2. BECOMING everything he's ever wanted, and finding out, it's not enough.

3. DEEP soul crushing depression; daily "What's wrong with ME that he doesn't love ME".

4. Realizing that it's NOT me, that's it's him.

5. Anger. LOTS of anger. Anger at myself for being "so stupid, so gullible"

6. Self-doubt, ZERO self confidence.

7. Education. Educating myself on WHY I chose him and his type; How he could fool me for so many years; How he did not "change" but he was ALWAYS this way... .but his "mask" was GOOD!

8. Learning *I* cannot change him, I have to chose; Stay in this rut, or move forward and LIVE

9. Forgive and let go (this is where I am now). I have to just forgive him and let go. I have to STOP re-visiting the past, stop marinading in the past, CLOSE this 'book' and pick up a pen and paper and start writing MY OWN book.

Realizing that I do not NEED 'someone' to 'complete' me (I have Christ, therefore, I am Whole).

10. Loving life, setting healthy boundaries and not let ANYONE CROSS THEM EVER. Trusting the Lord has good planned for me, not harm or evil. Having Faith that living according to His Ways, will grant me the Crown of Life.

Giving to others, unselfishly, expecting nothing in return BUT not allowing others to cross my boundaries.

11. ZERO NO CONTACT. Unfortunately, at this time, I do have to communicate with ex VIA EMAIL ONLY (all other avenues are BLOCKED) because the house is up for sale, and the ONLY communications with him pertain to the house... .absolutely NOTHING else. House only. No extra comments, no inuendos, not hints or anything. IF he tries to start a conversation outside of the HOUSE ONLY boundary I have set? I delete the email so I do not have to look at it and I do not have the chance to 'go back to it' and ruminate or be tempted to respond.

This process has taken 3 years to get to this point.

Recycle after recycle.

PTSD

DEEP depression

Physical ailments that had me flat on my back for months.

No more.

I wasted THREE YEARS of my life... .3 years of dragging the kids thru stupid drama.

Not one more second will be wasted.

I am given ONE life, and I fully intend to live it.

If anything, I feel sorry for my replacement. I hope she wises up quickly and does not waste 25 years of her life.