My wedding is coming up, and I'm on the negative side of splitting...

[insightpls]

Hi all!

My wedding is coming up in 4 months (we have been engaged for over a year), and my sister (who has un-dx'd BPD), who we asked to officiate our wedding, currently has me on the "outs". Earlier last week, she told me that she was going to divorce her husband. This subject comes up about every 4-5 months, so I figured it would pass. I spent hours on the phone trying to support her as she vented about how terrible her husband is (I've known him since I was 11 and I'm now almost 30, and the things that make him terrible are truly not terrible at all. He avoids conflict with my sister by lying because it's easier than receiving her lashing. Also, apparently, the most recent offense was that he didn't braid my niece's hair, so my sister decided he was a terrible father.)

During my time listening to her and trying to see where she is coming from, she confessed to me via text that my wedding has been really hard for her because she is miserable in her marriage and that she didn't think women should marry men, ever. These thoughts had been conveyed to my father for many months, but it's always hard to tell what will stick. When she finally told me that she was having those feelings, I asked her what she planned to do about it, and I asked if she could find it in her to support me and my fiance. She responded that she would just silently ruminate and that she must be too selfish to find support for us. (None of which I said or implied). She went on to say that she is worried about my happiness and that my fiance's family makes her worried because she has had a terrible experience with her inlaws. I stressed that my fiance was not her husband, and that my fiance's family is not the same as her in laws. I tried to stress that there are shade of grey among people and that not everyone is bad or miserable with marriage/in laws. She told me that I couldn't understand because I wasn't married and that marriage would change me. I basically told her I didn't know what to say, and that I hoped she could see how excited we were to be married and that I hoped I would have her support, especially since she is officiating the ceremony.

A few days went by, and it seemed that she and her husband had made ammends for now (until he makes another slight), and when she told me about this, she referenced the wedding still being hard for her (this was verbally).

Well, my fiance and I talked and we both felt that if she was really struggling with this and couldn't support us, it seemed weird to have her actually marry us. We tossed around the idea of eloping, and then just doing a vow ceremony the night of the wedding with the reception (this way, there would be less pressure on everyone to be ok with our clearly different opinions!). When I asked my sister what she thought, she responded that she didn't want to tell me what to do. I then replied that she had clearly stated that she didn't think I should marry my fiance, and that if she felt comfortable saying that to me, I would also like to know if she would be upset if we eloped. She told me that she never said that. So, I took pictures of the text messages she sent me and sent them to her. She responded that I Was twisting her words and that she had never said that women shouldn't marry men. So, I sent her another photo of her exact quote where she said that, as well as the many other things that she said to me. She called me at 630am on Saturday sobbing and saying that she "unlike me" didn't save text messages from previous conversations because she likes to just start over when she is done with a feeling. Unfortunately, I didn't know that she was "done with that feeling" as it had been expressed to me multiple times, and to my father prior to me. I became (admittedly) very agitated. I interupted her to say that I didn't like her accusing me of twisting her words, when they so clearly were stated multiple times. She sobbed harder and told me I was horrible to her. I let her know that I had her on speaker, and that my fiance was listening and that while I might seem like I am being stern, I was not yelling or screaming or name calling, but that there was an issue we all needed to address. I could feel myself becoming more and more upset, each time she sobbed and said I was horrible (especially because, truly, I think she just didn't want to have someone hold her to something that was said in apparently, what was an emotional state. I think in her mind, she said those things, and then was done, and didn't really want to be held to them. I didn't know that. I truly believe and believed that she has felt this way for a long time, and that she just finally verbalized it! So I had spent days trying to figure out a way to alleviate the awkwardness). I, for better or worse, hung up the phone. It was not my finer moment. I could feel myself exhausted by her ups and downs with her husband, exhausted by her ups and downs with me, and I just absolutely hung up the phone. There is no excuse for that, and I realize it.

I hung up and put the phone away in my drawer and tried to cool down. I already knew I would need to apologize for this act profusely, but, I had made a decision, and I needed a few moments to cool off.

During that time, she called and left a voicemail. She told me that she didn't want to be our officaint, and that she didn't want a relationship with me anymore. She said that she was tired of being a victim of my abuse and that she didn't have time for me anymore, and needed to focus on her family. She was not sobbing when she left this voicemail, she was stone cold even tempered. It was such a shift from what we had just heard on the phone, and it was so bizarre. I had counseled her all week as she debated filing for a divorce, called her husband a horrible father, her daughter a horrible liar, herself a horrible wife, and then she said I was horrible to her, that she didn't have time for me (this blew my mind, I mean, I literally spent hours on the phone listening to HER), and that I was abusive. She then declared that she was done being a "victim" and that she was walking away.

I was baffled. I asked my fiance to be very honest with me - had I been abusive? Had I been horrible? and he just said "no. You were stern, and this happens with your sister ALL THE TIME, and she didn't want to be held to her words." We googled verbal abuse, because I truly wanted to know if what I had done was abusive, and it didn't fit any of the criteria.

So, I am very anxious about my wedding. I am used to being on the splitting end of my sister (my best friend, fiance, and father, are all well aware when it is happening, and it generally always follows the splitting of my BPD mother. My sister usually hops on the bandwagon), and I'm really confused about where to go from here. I purchased the walking on eggshells book, and have begun reading it. I am truly exhausted by all of these rollercoasters. I can't keep up, One minute she is upset with me because my fiance and I are too busy to hang out with her every weekend (We actually get invitations EVERY weekend, and it's just not possible), and the next thing, she's telling me she doesn't have time for me. I know this is "I hate you, don't leave me", but I truly need some help wrapping my head around it.

And what about the wedding? I'm trying not to think about it, since I know a lot can change with my sister in 4 months, but it's really putting a damper on things. My bridesmaids are sick of the drama she creates with them, and we haven't yet told anyone besides my dad and matron of honor that my sister has shirked the officiant job. I'm torn. Do I hold her to this if she comes back and tries to somehow "forget about the situation"? Is that helpful or harmful? What can I do to protect myself from getting sucked into this anymore?

Thank you for reading if you have read this far, and please let me know if there are any questions. I am happy to answer them. And PLEASE, if you think that I am showing signs of BPD in any of my stories, please illuminate! My fiance and I are both on alert that since these emotions and behaviours run rampant in my family, that I am at risk for developing this as well!

[Harri]

Hi insight.  I would imagine the worry and stress about this situation and  your upcoming wedding are difficult to deal with.  The thing is, I think you handled the situation with your sister beautifully and no apologies on your part are needed or are even appropriate.  It sounds to me like you have handled her behaviors very well, and if you made any mistake, it was assuming responsibility for her emotional stability.  I say that with a great deal of understanding as so many of us here have done the same. 

Unfortunately, I didn't know that she was "done with that feeling" as it had been expressed to me multiple times, and to my father prior to me. I became (admittedly) very agitated. I interupted her to say that I didn't like her accusing me of twisting her words, when they so clearly were stated multiple times.

Of course you did not know she was done with that feeling and of course you became agitated.  She did twist your words and she expected you to act as her emotion detector and said *you* were horrible!  That is not appropriate mature behavior on her part and it is aggravating.  I think you did very well.

I, for better or worse, hung up the phone. It was not my finer moment. I could feel myself exhausted by her ups and downs with her husband, exhausted by her ups and downs with me, and I just absolutely hung up the phone. There is no excuse for that, and I realize it.

Here is a different perspective:  when trying to have a conversation with a person who is emotionally dysregulated and projecting and is rewriting history and trying to deflect blame onto you, hanging up the phone is the *most* appropriate response.  Maybe next time you can say "I am hanging up now.  We can talk later after things have calmed down a bit" (or something like that) but I don't see anything wrong with the way you handled it and I certainly do not think you should 'apologize profusely'.  You did nothing for which to apologize!

Do I hold her to this if she comes back and tries to somehow "forget about the situation"? Is that helpful or harmful? What can I do to protect myself from getting sucked into this anymore?

Well, it is your wedding so you get to decide.  I am in the camp of making her words stick and find someone else to officiate.  You ask 'is that helpful or harmful' and I am not sure who you are referring to.  If you mean is it helpful to your sister, I would say no, not immediately but over time as you set and enforce boundaries she may learn to stop pulling these stunts with you and that you will no longer tolerate her abuse.  I think it would be helpful and healthy and perfectly normal and the right thing if you decide what type of wedding you want to have without changing plan to suit her needs and behaviors.  I assume if you planned a wedding ceremony, that is what you wanted rather than eloping and having a vows exchange, right?  Please do not put your wants for your special day aside for you sister (or anyone else for that matter). 

You asked how you protect yourself.  You do so by setting and enforcing boundaries with her.    Keep reading that book, read here and post as needed.  We can all help you through this and figure out how best to deal with things, though the ultimate choice is yours.  An important thing to keep in mind about boundaries is that once you start, you need to stick with it.  Intermittent reinforcement (or only enforcing boundaries sometimes) will only strengthen the undesirable behavior.  So do a bit of reading on that too.

Insight, I wish you the very best with this.  I do not think you were at all abusive towards her.  I think you did brilliantly.  It is hard to change a life time of behaviors and as you set and enforce boundaries you will feel uncomfortable and doubt yourself.  Do it anyway and if needed you can check with your fiance and here to get some input.

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome Insightpls!

Glad you shared with us your story. It is so very hard to deal with a BPD, and I think you did admirably. I'm not seeing any similar BPD traits in you from what you wrote, just a very frustrated sibling. I do clearly see the same type of behaviors coming from your sister which those of us here grew up with.

I have my own wedding stories similar to yours-of my wedding long ago and more recently that of my daughter and a uBPDm who made it about her both times. The first time I was unaware, but the second time I wasn't. Didn't make things any easier the second time, but you are absolutely right to make it about you and your fiance, not about her.

Keep in touch and keep us informed please!

Woolspinner

[insightpls]

Thank you Harri and Woolspinner! I will keep you updated. My Kindle says I'm 50% done with Walking on Eggshells, and it's like a breath of fresh air to read something that really speaks to me and some of the experiences I have perceived!

Thank you both for your feedback.

[Louise7777]

Hi Insightpls!

Im sorry for what you are going through. I dont have an uBPD sister, but I do have 3 uBPD relatives and its tough! Two of them just "hijack" all the family events and make them about themselves. It took me decades to realize what was going on but as soon as I did, I established boundaries and mostly NC/ VLC.

Take my point of view as coming from someone who has dealt with them since childhood and is exhausted. Having said that, I believe you are lucky VERY lucky that your sister decided to not oficiate your ceremony. If I were you, Id just pick somebody else and let everybody know about it. In case she changes her mind again in the future, its already too late. Its YOUR wedding and you shouldnt let her control it. Even your briesmaids are tired of her drama. Im sure you have been witnessing her behaviour for years by now, so you are "normalizing it" somehow. Thats why outsiders get appaled with a little sample, while we take more and more... .

As I mentioned, 2 of my uBPDs have to make any family event about themselves, they have to be under the light. At some point that just bothered me. Im not histrionic at all, Im shy actually, but sometimes you just want to celebrate YOUR OWN birthday in peace, without all the loud laughter and their crazy speeches.

Enjoy your wedding preparations and the event itself, focus on you and your husband-to-be and dont let her take control.

[insightpls]

Louise -

Thank you for the feedback! I'm new to the forum world - does NC/VLC = no contact/very little contact?

My sister has always been the star of the show one way or the other. Sometimes it's very fun, she can be the life of the party, but sometimes it's very hurtful, as others are the butt of her jokes, or she is having a meltdown and it steals the show in a negative way.

We are having a VERY small wedding, before my sister and her family backed out, we had 48 people. I know, logically, that this was a good decision, but I am so sad for my dad who will not know anyone else at the wedding except maybe 2 other people, and I'm sad that the wedding day might have a little cloud over it. I'm trying to just accept that I can't change it, and grieve the loss of the "ideal", but I will admit it is tough! I also feel bad because I know that deep down, my sister will probably regret this. Sometimes she regrets things and other times she just blocks out that they happened. Either way, her decision will have a last effect, that's for sure. I'm trying to establish new boundaries in that I am going to let the effects of her outbursts be hers to bear, instead of trying to cover them up or make them better for her. I think I have reinforced her behavior in the past. This is the very first time that I am going to 100% allow her reprucussions to fall as they will. I am definitely feeling some guilt for letting it happen, but I also think that's normal. We still haven't told our friends and family, and we have been avoiding contact with our vendors who are eager to have some details worked out. I think I know that once I make her decision "public", I will not be able to allow her to go back, and she truly will have to live with her consequences (what people think, what people might say, etc). In the past, I have tried to shelter her outbursts from others, so this first time is going to be a bit challenging (probably for both of us! I can imagine she isn't used to me establishing a boundary in this way). I don't know what I'm waiting for as far as sharing the news with people... .I will definitely keep you all updated.

At this point, ONLY my father, fiance, matron of honor, and best man know what is going on. My matron of honor has known me for 11 years, all of which have included a plethora of my sister's antics. She expressed her apologies for what we were going through, but stressed that this is definitely for the best! I am unsure as to whether my sister will even attend the wedding (her daughter is supposed to be the flower girl). My fiance and I are guessing she is a 50/50 depending on if an upswing comes or if a campaign against someone else takes the attention off of me. My dad thinks she will definitely attend the wedding, and my matron of honor hopes she won't, haha. Argh. Who knows!

[Louise7777]

Insight, yes, NC/ VLC is no contact/ very low contact.

Take my words with sobre precaution (a grain of salt? English is not my language), cause Im exhausted emotionally from dealing with difficult people in general (not only people with personality disorders).

I understand your feelings. You are trying to make everybody happy, you are concerned about your sisters feelings, your dads... .Well, how about yours? Im telling you this but I ask myself the same too. We get so lost in the turmoil that we lose the focus on what is priority and whats not.

Yep, they can be the sould of the party. But they can ruin it too, they are unpredictable, arent they? I had a friend who was extremely histrionic, I suppose BPD. She was fun at first, but the rages werent! After some episodes I went NC. In my opinion, its not worth it.

Did you notice how many times you try to cover up for her? I did that too. We dont want people to think bad of them, but honestly Im done with that. I realized I was the younger one and still having to be the adult. That was bad not only for me, but for them, I was enabling their behaviour.

In my experience, and this is very particular, my uBPDs ruined the events in any way. Sometimes they "behaved properly" but the tension I felt for not knowing if they would burst was enough to ruin it for me. So, my impressions are coming from somebody who has dealt with 3 of them, sometimes at the same time... ..

Wish you the best of luck.