Divorcing My BPD

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

This is my first post.

I was a little suspicious when she wanted to get married and have children just a few months after meeting her. I thought It was risky, but I thought 'what is life without taking risks'? I knew I needed to work on myself, but I thought we could do that together and we would support each other after getting married. She was and still is very beautiful. Yes, I ignored a few red flags, she was clingy and jealous, but I thought 'what the hell, nobody is perfect'.

For 14 years I tried to give her everything she ever wanted. I made her the center of my world. You know the story. She was happy or satisfied.

Our sex life was pretty good and she liked cooking nice meals, so that was good. Other than that I could get nothing else. I let her push away my friends and family. I couldn't make decisions without her trying to overrule me. Raising my daughter, where to go, who to see, it was always her decision.

I think she is BPD or another personality disorder. She has never been able to hold a job longer than 3 months. She does the very minimum around the house. Has a terrible relationship with her own family and mine.

I finally started researching her behaviour and found an article on Narcissism. It described exactly who she was. I have been reading books and started making changes in the last few months trying to get my life back. It has been a non-stop battle with her resisting these changes. I have been sleeping in another room for two months. We don't have anything in common other than our daughter. We don't have anything to look forward to doing together. I don't feel good when I'm around her, I have to walk on eggshells.

My BPD Wife has found Christianism in the last few years and uses her religion as a source of validation. God has given her powers. Now all she has to do is look over her shoulder and consult god as if he was her personal assistant. She has not found one church that can stand her thought. In the last 5 years, she has changed at least 15 times. There is always someone that rubs her the wrong way and she starts looking for another one. Same thing happens with her jobs.

I am working on a getting support while going thru this. I joined a DivorceCare group in a church once a week. It teaches you how to handle the divorce. I think it has been pretty good. I started seeing a therapist also. I expect this will be a high conflict divorce and I can't leave the house until everything is final. I am hoping to get 50/50 custody of my daughter.

I have been looking for a good lawyer. I think I found one, and I would like to file for divorce, but I panic every time I think about calling him.  I know I could be better prepared for this divorce, but part of me just wants to make the call and file and get it over with.  I feel like I'm in limbo and it is killing me.


thanks,

[seenoevil]

This is my first post.

I was a little suspicious when she wanted to get married and have children just a few months after meeting her. I thought It was risky, but I thought 'what is life without taking risks'? I knew I needed to work on myself, but I thought we could do that together and we would support each other after getting married. She was and still is very beautiful. Yes, I ignored a few red flags, she was clingy and jealous, but I thought 'what the hell, nobody is perfect'.

For 14 years I tried to give her everything she ever wanted. I made her the center of my world. You know the story. She was happy or satisfied.

Our sex life was pretty good and she liked cooking nice meals, so that was good. Other than that I could get nothing else. I let her push away my friends and family. I couldn't make decisions without her trying to overrule me. Raising my daughter, where to go, who to see, it was always her decision.

I think she is BPD or another personality disorder. She has never been able to hold a job longer than 3 months. She does the very minimum around the house. Has a terrible relationship with her own family and mine.

I finally started researching her behaviour and found an article on Narcissism. It described exactly who she was. I have been reading books and started making changes in the last few months trying to get my life back. It has been a non-stop battle with her resisting these changes. I have been sleeping in another room for two months. We don't have anything in common other than our daughter. We don't have anything to look forward to doing together. I don't feel good when I'm around her, I have to walk on eggshells.

My BPD Wife has found Christianism in the last few years and uses her religion as a source of validation. God has given her powers. Now all she has to do is look over her shoulder and consult god as if he was her personal assistant. She has not found one church that can stand her thought. In the last 5 years, she has changed at least 15 times. There is always someone that rubs her the wrong way and she starts looking for another one. Same thing happens with her jobs.

I am working on a getting support while going thru this. I joined a DivorceCare group in a church once a week. It teaches you how to handle the divorce. I think it has been pretty good. I started seeing a therapist also. I expect this will be a high conflict divorce and I can't leave the house until everything is final. I am hoping to get 50/50 custody of my daughter.

I have been looking for a good lawyer. I think I found one, and I would like to file for divorce, but I panic every time I think about calling him.  I know I could be better prepared for this divorce, but part of me just wants to make the call and file and get it over with.  I feel like I'm in limbo and it is killing me.


thanks,

[woodsposse]

 

First off... .welcome!  You have found a great site to help you through whatever you need.  The members here are fantastic in their support and sharing.  If nothing else, I hope you feel as comfortable here as I felt when I first arrived.  I know that is important - so I do hope you stay around.

It isn't easy going through what you are going through.  Yes, your story sounds all to familiar as I'm sure others will say this as well.  I initially found it interesting and eerie and comforting to know that there are other people out here going through almost word for word what I had been going through.  so it made the transition a lot easier.

I'm sure the more you have thought about it... .you saw red flags all over the place early on in the r/s but for whatever the reasons you let them slide by.  That's very common (and as far as the folks here... .it's kinda normal.  Normal as in a lot of us did the exact same thing).

I bring this up to make this point... .some of the anxiety you may be feeling now being in limbo regarding the divorce is sort of the same as seeing the red flags and letting them slide by (well, until it was 'too late'.  What I mean is, you are already in limbo and not feeling too good about it - but you moving forward isn't going to make anything any worse.  So this feeling is just gonna sit there (like the red flags) until things get so much worse you have no other choice but to do something (or another way to say it is... .someone is going to make the decision for you).

This isn't to say "Go for it"... .or even to say "let it marinate more".  But it is to say... .it is time for you to take your power back because this is about you.  You are the only one responsible for your happiness (and sanity).  This is your time.  It is all about you, my friend.

I know it is not easy - and I know there is a lot of pain and frustration and all that... .trust me... .so been there.

But at the end of the day, you are doing postivie things for you (and your child)... .trying to align your self with a good support system (this place included)... .so do whatever you need to do to focus on you.  The rest will fall into place.  I promise.

Hope to see you around... .and, again, welcome.

[seenoevil]

Thanks, that makes sense.  I have to make my own decisions, whether it is staying or going, and I can't continue living my life by the decisions other people make.  I do plan to discuss this with my Therapist and work on that. 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey seenoevil, I have been in your shoes, my friend, and could have written most of your post myself.  You have come to a good place, because we really GET what you are talking about and understand what you are going through.  My BPDxW and I separated after 13 years of marriage (w/kids) and finally divorced after 16 years, so I know the territory.  I admire your courage to make a change, which really does lead to greater happiness.  You will feel better after reclaiming your life, I predict.  It's a rough ride, though, so get ready for some turbulent waters.  Hang in there, LuckyJim