How long were you in a relationship with a BPD before it finally fell apart ?

[In Pain]

How long were you in a relationship with a BPD before it finally fell apart and the BPD left you?

I know there are the short breakups we have all had, but how long till THEY left you without a recycle for at least about 3-5 months.

Obviously I’m just trying to see what is the average life span of a BPD relationship.

Curious, are the short 2-4 month relationships just rebounds from longer ones ?

thx

[Raybo48]

It doesn't take long for them to start devaluing you in some capacity.  Personally the 'elationship'  ( I like to call it that) part lasted a couple three months and then she started picking apart everything I did and said.   That doesn't mean it fell apart because three additional years went by before we supposedly talked for the last time yesterday.   

[In Pain]

I was trying to make this into a poll !

How ?

[Raybo48]

2 years.  sorry... .

[fromheeltoheal]

'elationship'!

 I like that, very good!

Mine was 3 months of good, although the good was peppered with red flags that I ignored and I didn't trust her.  I broke up with her, which lasted a week, we got back together, 3 months of so-so, never the same, and 3 months of sht I shouldn't have put up with for more than a week, and then I left her.  Sometimes I feel unworthy of being here, since folks here have been married, had kids, and racked up decades of time with their borderline.  Other times I say fck it, the damage was done in a short period of time and it still hurt like hell, all of the info here and elsewhere and everyone's posts speak to my ex to a tee, so it is what it is.

[Deeno02]

16 months. I miss her everyday.

[Infern0]

For me the "relationship" lasted for 6 months.

For a couple of months before that we were friends and one day she started to persue me pretty intensely.  I guess I was flattered and liked the attention so I decided to give it a go.

First couple of months I was pretty cool on it,  then one day I got "the talk" where she told me all this terrible stuff that had happened to her and how she was so terrified she was going to lose me.  I told her that she would never lose me and I loved her back.

The next 4 months were hell.  All of a sudden I went from the most important person in her life to someone who she only seemed to want to see when she was bored,  she turned all passive agressive on me and just became a nightmare. 

I put up with a lot of crap from her but I certainly put my foot down at times and called her out on her behaviour. To be honest I think this was what lead to me being replaced.  The guy before me lasted 2 years but never stood up for himself,  she cheated on him a bunch and just treated him like complete trash and he just took it all.

In my case I'm glad I stood up for myself and escaped from the nightmare.  Her last ex became a drug addict and has not recovered from his experience,  and my replacement seems to be experiencing extreme psychological problems already.  She really is a dangerous parasite.

[refusetosuccumb]

16 yrs.

Together for 5 before the kids arrived. Then it started slowly unravelling after our first was born then drastically after our second was born.

Ex started doing drugs after his grandfather died.  Then got clean tjen started drinking.  Then started cheating.

I have been seperated for 6 months. He is low functioning but had to keep the kids safe.

It all sucks. Especially with kids.

[Algae]

I know I can't vote more than once, haha... but Technically i've been left about 7 times.  And each time she leaves, its after a 4-6 month period.

[Blimblam]

In my rs I had about 4 good months then things started to go down hill and quickly but very subtly. When the ship really started to sink she had painted her dad black so he got the brunt of it.  Once she had not seen him in a while she painted me black but still needed me while she looked for new attachments to paint white.  

In my experience it seems with BPDs there is always someone painted black somewhere and if they don't recieve the drama from that person painted black to let them know they are attached they will seek it out somewhere else.

[Johan]

Around 2 or so years, knew her 5 r 6years...

we broke up and I got silent treatment 8 months after she has came off prosac

So i nearly woulndt count my time when she on meds, as once she came off them was the real 'her' if you will

[Blimblam]

'elationship'!  I like that, very good!

Mine was 3 months of good, although the good was peppered with red flags that I ignored and I didn't trust her.  I broke up with her, which lasted a week, we got back together, 3 months of so-so, never the same, and 3 months of sht I shouldn't have put up with for more than a week, and then I left her.  Sometimes I feel unworthy of being here, since folks here have been married, had kids, and racked up decades of time with their borderline.  Other times I say fck it, the damage was done in a short period of time and it still hurt like hell, all of the info here and elsewhere and everyone's posts speak to my ex to a tee, so it is what it is.

I think the damage for people not involved for years is not necessarily more or less than someone who has been in the relationship for less time.  I think more of it has to do about how you open up to them and how deep you allow the attachment to go and how far reaching it is into ones life.

[fred6]

The first rage happened at around the 2-3 month mark. She then acted kind of normal for about 4 more months. I moved in at the 7 month mark and then I was getting a rage about once every month with the detached protector silent treatment a couple times a month. About a year in the withdrawal of sex started while the rages and pointless arguments increased in frequency. Slowly at first, but it became more and more prevalent at time went on. Then about 2.5 years into the relationship, she quit her job, quit her Zoloft cold turkey, split black all of her friends from her previous job, split black her 17 yo son and kicked him out, started cheating on me, broke up with me and told me to find a home. At that point she "flipped the switch" and I lived in hell for the last 2 months of the relationship until I moved out. So from the time she quit her job and meds up until she "flipped the switch" was from April 9th to July 14. So she transformed into a different person over a 3 month period. Even though she was having all of these issues, I still never saw it coming because I had nothing to do with any of the things she was going through. I tried to support her and all she did was freak out on me. Hopefully she's doing better now, I don't know.

[fred6]

The guy before me lasted 2 years but never stood up for himself,  she cheated on him a bunch and just treated him like complete trash and he just took it all.

That would be me sir, hahaha. Hell, that may be the reason that I lasted 3 years and all of her previous relationships for the past 10+ years haven't lasted more than 6 months. Gee, thanks Infern0, now I feel like complete trash, ... .

[Tater tot]

'elationship'!  I like that, very good!

Mine was 3 months of good, although the good was peppered with red flags that I ignored and I didn't trust her.  I broke up with her, which lasted a week, we got back together, 3 months of so-so, never the same, and 3 months of sht I shouldn't have put up with for more than a week, and then I left her.  Sometimes I feel unworthy of being here, since folks here have been married, had kids, and racked up decades of time with their borderline.  Other times I say fck it, the damage was done in a short period of time and it still hurt like hell, all of the info here and elsewhere and everyone's posts speak to my ex to a tee, so it is what it is.

Bottom line being pwBPD is toxic. If you were idolized, devalued, cut off without warning and painted black after genuinely caring about someone, the damage is done regardless of how long the relationship lasted.

Our last relationship ended after 8 weeks, this was 16 years after our initial bu.

[Raybo48]

I agree Blim.  I'm painted black right now because of major rejection I tossed her way two weeks ago.  She's also on a dating service (having no real luck) getting plenty of N-supply as all BPD require in some fashion so those complete strangers are white right now. 

I know my ex is capable of anything so when she tossed out the 'restraining order' comment yesterday I took it to heart.  She's particularly vindictive when her core shame creeps up so I plan on NC period.  She's an incredibly troubled person and with major off the charts alcohol abuse the last 5 years or so it's really magnified her BPD personality, and even though she is sober at the moment she  isn't the same person as she was with just the run of the mill BPD.  I truly believe an addiction with that personality makes it much worse overall.

[In Pain]

Please, more votes needed.

Thx

[Mr. Solo]

First 14 years were awesome.

Then three years of Hell.

She left a year ago.

So, 17?

[Agent_of_Chaos]

How long were you in a relationship with a BPD before it finally fell apart and the BPD left you?

I know there are the short breakups we have all had, but how long till THEY left you without a recycle for at least about 3-5 months.

Obviously I’m just trying to see what is the average life span of a BPD relationship.

Curious, are the short 2-4 month relationships just rebounds from longer ones ?

thx

We were together for about 3 years.  Now that I have more knowledge of what I was dealing with under my belt, there were signs from the get go.  In hindsight had I knew what I know now, I would have pushed her to get help or hung my hat up.  I think we all feel that way.

The first year - year and a half was complete joy.  We were figuring each other out and growing in love.  After that, we slowly started unraveling.  We never really fought though we were excellent at bickering.  Her life started plummeting.  Losing jobs, facing legal woes, and I was just standing there asking myself what the heck was going on.

It wasn't until I was left there with my heart still beating in my hands that I said to myself, "What just happened is not normal".  I started doing research and trying to understand et voila... .here I am.

[fred6]

We were together for about 3 years.  Now that I have more knowledge of what I was dealing with under my belt, there were signs from the get go.  In hindsight had I knew what I know now, I would have pushed her to get help or hung my hat up.  I think we all feel that way.

The first year - year and a half was complete joy.  We were figuring each other out and growing in love.  After that, we slowly started unraveling.  We never really fought though we were excellent at bickering.  Her life started plummeting.  Losing jobs, facing legal woes, and I was just standing there asking myself what the heck was going on.

It wasn't until I was left there with my heart still beating in my hands that I said to myself, "What just happened is not normal".  I started doing research and trying to understand et voila... .here I am.

Get out of my brain sir. You're stealing my story. Except for our lousy dysfunctional sex life. But then again, when you're with someone that you love. The quantity and quality of sex can be overlooked to an extent... .

[Bak86]

The relationship was never stable, but i would say around month 3 she started displaying the full BPD package(mood swings, push/pull etc.) Lasted around 4/5 months.

[antelope]

my relationship lasted 3 years, and I ended it with her after only one recycle that lasted 2 months... .

my ex has a pattern of nothing but unicorns and rainbows for about 6 months to a year... .meanwhile she is cheating infrequently, but definitely, this whole time... .

then the wheels start to fall off, as she realizes she has completely duped this other person into actually falling in love with her... .and she cannot handle that, so psychologically and emotionally she 'checks out', but never has the balls to just sever ties and save face... .

my ex is the quintessential waif, a coward who lives in eternal denial, victimhood, and martyrdom 

[Blimblam]

my relationship lasted 3 years, and I ended it with her after only one recycle that lasted 2 months... .

my ex has a pattern of nothing but unicorns and rainbows for about 6 months to a year... .meanwhile she is cheating infrequently, but definitely, this whole time... .

then the wheels start to fall off, as she realizes she has completely duped this other person into actually falling in love with her... .and she cannot handle that, so psychologically and emotionally she 'checks out', but never has the balls to just sever ties and save face... .

my ex is the quintessential waif, a coward who lives in eternal denial, victimhood, and martyrdom 

Oh the lovely waif. I can relate.  I was waifed as well. 

[Wastedyears25]

Well the first time he left was in our 1st year of marriage, second time was in our 19th year. We are now in our 25th year and I left this time. So I guess I could vote several times. 

[fred6]

then the wheels start to fall off, as she realizes she has completely duped this other person into actually falling in love with her... .and she cannot handle that, so psychologically and emotionally she 'checks out', but never has the balls to just sever ties and save face... .

Ding, ding, ding, ding, winner winner, chicken dinner. Ah yes, sounds like the old, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" cop out BS excuse.

I've noticed that in the longer term BPD relationships. Around the 3 year mark seems like fairly common. But then again, I think that I read somewhere that out of ALL relationships, 3 years seems like a point where a lot of couples break up for some reason. I wonder what the significances of that are?

[Inside]

…so how do you count seven recycles... ?  There were multiple  's that I ignored from inception.  And all kids of ‘hints’ I’d now recognize.  First full-blown BPD fit was likely 9 months into it.  Total time, 3.5 years... .

But with all the reconnects, it just fell apart in slow motion   

[balou_k]

My relationship with my ex lasted for 3 years and 2 weeks...

[Inside]

  I know I can't vote more than once, haha... but Technically i've been left about 7 times.  And each time she leaves, its after a 4-6 month period.

…same here , 7 times, as best I could keep track... .  But after each reconnect we’d last for shorter periods, almost a mathematical countdown: 9 months, 5 months, 3, 2, 1, 4 weeks, 2 weeks…  Too much scar tissue and a total lack of trust, likely on both sides.

But we’ve never had ‘closure’ … unless her letter (after my emailing her to pay the money she owed me) demanding I “Cease & Desist” counts as closure!  Or would that have been blown by her texting me 2 weeks later to ask about ‘my family.’  Crazy Crap

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Back and forth back and forthover the course of a year... .

longest ge stayed with me all at once was 3 months! sad.

myfirst BPD broke up w me but never truly brokeup...

mostly raged verbally abused then changed her mind.

that relationship was 4 years

[CareTaker]

My relationship was 3 years, and the amount of break ups and make ups I cannot count. I just kept going back. I think it was her beauty and seductive ways.

The verbal abuse started after about 2 months, because I never wanted to give her money to go on an overseas trip to visit her mother. At that stage she was unemployed, and I was paying all her bills.

She kept all my "wrong doings" filed in her brain, and with every argument always repeated them from day 1 of our relationship. Not knowing anything about Borderlines, I often told her she must find a way to control her bad mood. Then eventually I went and googled : girlfriend with bad mood, and I was shocked. She wanted a baby, and we could also set up a wedding date. Yet I knew I had to get out, but I was addicted. The final wake up was when she attacked me with the bread knife. Even this was my fault, but you could have guessed that, right... .?

I eventually left, knowing this time it is over. It has been 2 months now, and I am starting to get over it. But I still miss her.

Sadly, I was replaced within 2 weeks.