Just keep getting the urge to check up on her.

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Its been about a week since we last talked. She was emotionally disregulating and I finally told her the truth about why shes so empty and such. Since she never responded back in the 4 days she usually talks to me within I assumed im being painted black again but no real evidence other than my hunch. Also just knowing how PWBPD react to the truth. So ive been kind of concerned that something happened or that she may actually be going home a few states away. Also part of me just wants to know so I can stop feeling so triggered when around the area of her work. I just really don't want to handle the rejection of silence if I text nor give her the satisfaction. Do you think this would be a fruitless effort?

[Chasing_Ghosts]

Its been about a week since we last talked. She was emotionally disregulating and I finally told her the truth about why shes so empty and such. Since she never responded back in the 4 days she usually talks to me within I assumed im being painted black again but no real evidence other than my hunch. Also just knowing how PWBPD react to the truth. So ive been kind of concerned that something happened or that she may actually be going home a few states away. Also part of me just wants to know so I can stop feeling so triggered when around the area of her work. I just really don't want to handle the rejection of silence if I text nor give her the satisfaction. Do you think this would be a fruitless effort?

[Raybo48]

If you read source material the BPD will never acknowledge they have a problem because they simply don't see it.  It's not that they are in denial either, it's that they never see they have a problem. That's why it's so hard for them to actually go into therapy.  So to address what you think you did by telling her; I seriously don't think she remotely believes what you said on what you consider "the truth".  She probably did paint you black because you attacked her in some fashion, but I doubt it centers around the fact that she suddenly realizes shes BPD. 

In my experience you can text them until the cows come home and they won't respond if you are in the black.  Personally, if you are intent on reestablishing the relationship I'd wait to hear from her.  She will come around when her brain resets itself or she has a need from you, which ever comes first.   

[Blimblam]

If you read source material the BPD will never acknowledge they have a problem because they simply don't see it.  It's not that they are in denial either, it's that they never see they have a problem. That's why it's so hard for them to actually go into therapy.  So to address what you think you did by telling her; I seriously don't think she remotely believes what you said on what you consider "the truth".  She probably did paint you black because you attacked her in some fashion, but I doubt it centers around the fact that she suddenly realizes shes BPD. 

In my experience you can text them until the cows come home and they won't respond if you are in the black.  Personally, if you are intent on reestablishing the relationship I'd wait to hear from her.  She will come around when her brain resets itself or she has a need from you, which ever comes first.   

This is solid advice. 

Here is the thing you know this is a pattern and will play out the same way over and over. Do you really want to through this again?

Each time you went through the cycle did it hurt worst at the end than the last time?

[Chasing_Ghosts]

youre completely right and I know this but for some reason I still question it. Idk for some reason just posting it and hearing that im not crazy with a response like yours just makes me feel better. So thank you Raybo48. I think in my mind I did this on purpose because I know she works exactly as you said always coming back for a need or some other form that benefits her. It was almost like yea im glad your idealizing me but its kind of too much and anymore just ___s with my head a little because I know the game. I guess it kind of triggers me a bit to at times because its like I just want to know more about her likes and dislikes not mine. But I know this is daydreaming poppycock because she really doesn't have much of her "own" to go off of due to her lack of identity at the core of her being that is underdeveloped to put it mildly. Then on the opposite side she shows me such intensity with her struggle that ive never seen before and it also triggers me.

If I was stronger I could be more supportive but right now im going through so much of my own personal growth that any extra is to much atm. And maybe when her brain resets and she comes around ill be in a better place to be friends. But Blim youre right and hopefully by that time ill not want to continue this cycle. Her hold of over me weakens by the day. Now im just left with all this empathy and sorrow over a harrowing monster that haunts an abandoned little girl that has connected with the lost little boy in me. Shes like my fairy tinker bell and im peter pan but instead of neverland its like were stuck in a sort of purgatory. A place where the light doesn't quite shine through yet the darkness doesn't totally consume. A twilight if you will. 

[lostinsf]

BPD's have a predictable pattern and they use silence as a weapon. Once you have been painted black there is no going back.The best option is to move forward with your life. They live in denial and b/w thinking makes their life hard. It is going to be hard but the only way is to walk away and move on with your life.

[myself]

She knows you're there, and how to contact you. Do your best to be patient, it hasn't been very long. She has a lot to process/ run away from. If you're working on detaching, here you are. Certain patterns need to change, the most important of which are up to you. Keep finding your own balance.

[Raybo48]

I don't know if I agree with the statement that once you are painted black there is no going back.  I was painted black about 100 times in 3 years and was ignored anywhere from 1 day to 6 months after being painted black.  While I agree there is a pattern with them, there is no blueprint for them to one day wake up and have a self-serving need and pick up that phone.  I'm painted EXTREMELY black at the moment, but I wouldn't bet a pay check  that I'll never hear from her again.  Nothing ever is etched in stone with the borderline.

[Chasing_Ghosts]

She knows you're there, and how to contact you. Do your best to be patient, it hasn't been very long. She has a lot to process/ run away from. If you're working on detaching, here you are. Certain patterns need to change, the most important of which are up to you. Keep finding your own balance.

This brought tears to my eyes. Your words bring me comfort and as a means of redirecting my thoughts to the right direction. Thank you myself.

[Chasing_Ghosts]

I don't know if I agree with the statement that once you are painted black there is no going back.  I was painted black about 100 times in 3 years and was ignored anywhere from 1 day to 6 months after being painted black.  While I agree there is a pattern with them, there is no blueprint for them to one day wake up and have a self-serving need and pick up that phone.  I'm painted EXTREMELY black at the moment, but I wouldn't bet a pay check  that I'll never hear from her again.  Nothing ever is etched in stone with the borderline.

Same situation. As to echo your words if I was a gambling man id wager this isn't that end. Ive been painted blacker before and she came back. Ive said similar words. I think part of her as much as she runs away from this truth also is drawn to it subconsciously. In this twilight of lies and deception im a lighthouse that keeps her from falling completely into the abyss. Maybe im being naïve but something in me affirms this... its something in her eyes I can see. I believe the eyes are the gateway to our souls.

[Blimblam]

I read somone refer to the "yearning"

I can really identify with this emotional cocktail of , FOG, shame, my own vanity and pride. Underneath all of that though was compassion. I often felt shame for this yearning but what I was really feeling under it all is compassion and compassion is a good thing.  But compassion doesn't mean you need to check on them that you need to be in control. All those emotions with the yearning are just masks for compassion. So don't feel guilty or ashamed for yearning or not looking or not contacting her.  You feel all those other emotion so you have compassion and perhaps that's what you needed for yourself all along.

[Raybo48]

I tend to agree Chasing... I think she views me as a stabilizing force in her chaotic life.  If that wasn't somewhat true why the hell would she keep coming back to me via phone/text from AZ when I live in Chicago?  Surely she could get plenty of N-supply out there if she was just looking for that.  I do believe that the BPD can love in their own way and I think she loves me, but that doesn't change the fact that she will still be a BPD and do what they do regardless.  I cannot tell you how many times I've said to myself "well  this is it" I won't be hearing from her again after this last black painting and then down the road I get a call that she loves me and misses me. I really hope I never hear from her again because the circus needs to shut down, but no way I'd bet on it.  I just need to ignore her next time for my own sanity.  

[Raybo48]

I read somone refer to the "yearning"

I can really identify with this emotional cocktail of , FOG, shame, my own vanity and pride. Underneath all of that though was compassion. I often felt shame for this yearning but what I was really feeling under it all is compassion and compassion is a good thing.  But compassion doesn't mean you need to check on them that you need to be in control. All those emotions with the yearning are just masks for compassion. So don't feel guilty or ashamed for yearning or not looking or not contacting her.  You feel all those other emotion so you have compassion and perhaps that's what you needed for yourself all along.

Agreed... I said 'yearning'... .I think in the end it is compassion for her even though she's done  terrible things to me.   I still want to forgive her and be compassionate.  It's a real shame they can't ever see that no matter how hard you try.  Just like they don't believe you love them.  The more you tell them or try to show them the more they feel abandoned.   What a pity.

[peiper]

Past behavior is indicative of future performance. My T kept telling me that and,he's been right on the money so far. But if it works out that way too bad for her, I've moved on to someone healthy. Like everyone on this board I tried to figure out her thinking until it dawned on me "who gives a $hit she mentally ill !"

[Deeno02]

She knows you're there, and how to contact you. Do your best to be patient, it hasn't been very long. She has a lot to process/ run away from. If you're working on detaching, here you are. Certain patterns need to change, the most important of which are up to you. Keep finding your own balance.

Even if shes with a replacement?