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Author Topic: Side effects mental/physical during rs with pBPD  (Read 8479 times)
fred6
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« Reply #60 on: November 17, 2014, 03:28:43 PM »

The guys who had problems in the bedroom I can tell you something. .

I never been into this before but I myself was sexually activated at a young age I.e too young which left me with issues of my own. Although I've worked through them let's just say I'm a little more intense and sexual than most and I've never had any complaints.  In fact I was used as a human sex toy by my NPD ex for about a year... .

At the start I could put my BPD into like a dissociated state of pleasure but over time it waned with devaluation.

When she reidealized me and we recycled we had great sex.

It's nothing to do with you or your performance it's the disorder your fighting and cassinova himself couldn't overcome it

I don't know Infern0. I think that I may have issues with whoever is next. I'm not sure of this, but I can see it happening. Like you, I've never had any complaints before. And uexBPD never really complained, but just the way she acted was so off putting. Having a partner that doesn't participate and just lays there gets old real quick. I guess I'll just have to wait it out and see, hahaha
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workinprogress
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« Reply #61 on: November 17, 2014, 03:30:07 PM »

It'd be great when we recycled, but that last 2-3 times and then it was back to "hurry up and get off me". One time she even said, "Alright, let's go ahead and get this over with."

But when we were getting back together, oh it was on. How someone could go from jumping me one week to absolutely treating me like I was some sort of degenerate sex addict was beyond me. Now I know why.

Mine used to tell me, "let's hurry up and get this over with."

Sometimes she was telling me to hurry up and finish right after I climbed on top and before I had penetration.

Sorry if too much info, but I never had sex before where I was trying to hurry up and climax.  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
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Pingo
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« Reply #62 on: November 17, 2014, 03:46:18 PM »

It'd be great when we recycled, but that last 2-3 times and then it was back to "hurry up and get off me". One time she even said, "Alright, let's go ahead and get this over with."

But when we were getting back together, oh it was on. How someone could go from jumping me one week to absolutely treating me like I was some sort of degenerate sex addict was beyond me. Now I know why.

Mine used to tell me, "let's hurry up and get this over with."

Sometimes she was telling me to hurry up and finish right after I climbed on top and before I had penetration.

Sorry if too much info, but I never had sex before where I was trying to hurry up and climax.  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

Good lord, I can't imagine how this would make you feel.  Talk about no empathy!  How hurtful! Was their need to 'hurry it up' bc of their past abuse?  Or do you think it was to devalue you?  I'm wondering if this is a woman BPD issue (or maybe nothing to do w/ BPD) bc my uBPDexh wanted it to go on and on for like 4 hrs!  Who has time for that?  I could never do enough to please him and God knows I tried. 
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Raybo48
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« Reply #63 on: November 17, 2014, 05:18:01 PM »

Just a few off the top of my head that I never experienced before.

1. lack of sleep

2. major anxiety

3. became a jealous person

4. became an distrusting person

5. stomach issues

6. frequent headaches

7. eating habits became poor

8. started to question my decision making on a daily basis

9. started drinking more alcohol to cope

10. started losing my hair for the first time in 45 years

There is a lot more... .
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freedom33
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« Reply #64 on: November 17, 2014, 05:29:59 PM »

1. Tremendous anxiety

2. Excessive lack of sleep

3. Night sweats

4. Significant lower back pain

5. Serious weight loss

6. Hair loss
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jorge

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« Reply #65 on: November 17, 2014, 05:55:42 PM »

My relationship lasted 3 months. After 2 months I had severe sleeping disorder. I literally had nights without a minute of sleep. I was panicking. I had work days where I had to leave work because I just couldn't keep my eyes open. I got a prescription for an antidepressant that helped me a lot.

She told me a lot about her "abusive" ex-boyfriend who she labeled as bipolar. Apparently he had severe sleeping disorder for a long time as well which she blaimed on his "disorder". Oh my! I guess he was just with the wrong woman.

Actually I'm still worried about falling back into that sleeping disorder with my new girlfriend who has def. not BPD.
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BorisAcusio
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« Reply #66 on: November 17, 2014, 06:01:07 PM »

Anyone mentioned nightmares, yet? Dreams with characters from my childhood, being bullied and humiliated by them. Depression, anxiety.
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Caredverymuch
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« Reply #67 on: November 17, 2014, 06:05:16 PM »

Just a few off the top of my head that I never experienced before.

1. lack of sleep

2. major anxiety

3. became a jealous person

4. became an distrusting person

5. stomach issues

6. frequent headaches

7. eating habits became poor

8. started to question my decision making on a daily basis

9. started drinking more alcohol to cope

10. started losing my hair for the first time in 45 years

There is a lot more... .

Ray, I experienced the very same list.  And, I literally lost my hair.  My eyebrows. I had never experienced any of the things on our mutual list prior.  The loss of hair is beyond in indicating the stress and trauma endured.  Shocking another also experienced this.  8 mos NC later, my hair is now grow back well.
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« Reply #68 on: November 17, 2014, 06:25:58 PM »

The guys who had problems in the bedroom I can tell you something. .

I never been into this before but I myself was sexually activated at a young age I.e too young which left me with issues of my own. Although I've worked through them let's just say I'm a little more intense and sexual than most and I've never had any complaints.  In fact I was used as a human sex toy by my NPD ex for about a year... .

At the start I could put my BPD into like a dissociated state of pleasure but over time it waned with devaluation.

When she reidealized me and we recycled we had great sex.

It's nothing to do with you or your performance it's the disorder your fighting and cassinova himself couldn't overcome it

I don't know Infern0. I think that I may have issues with whoever is next. I'm not sure of this, but I can see it happening. Like you, I've never had any complaints before. And uexBPD never really complained, but just the way she acted was so off putting. Having a partner that doesn't participate and just lays there gets old real quick. I guess I'll just have to wait it out and see, hahaha

Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) inferno it's funny you mention Casanova.  I looked that up myself and it's true to the leged of cassanova. He came across what seems like a pwBPD that just destroyed him and he basically never recovered from that and lost his libido. I remember in devaluing I lost all sexual interest in my ex I was just too hurt. I still feel to this day my libidos energy being consumed by my healing process
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BlackandBlue
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« Reply #69 on: November 17, 2014, 08:01:15 PM »

She was slowly breaking me down day by day. Th e anxiety was unreal for me. My stomach was always in knots and my heart would race. I had zero appetite and was losing weight. If i got 3-4 hours of sleep a night I would be lucky. I often would wake drenched in sweat in a total panic over money because she was sucking me dry. Finally at the end when she picked a fight with me over having kids I lost it and I attempted to take my life. She was in a rage and really tearing into me and even as I lay there with a knife she continued to take cheap shots and insult me. How awful
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« Reply #70 on: November 17, 2014, 08:32:04 PM »

Great topic for a thread.  I could write a list a mile long (as some have already), but can say increased stress (particularly around friends & family) and associated weight gain would be the two biggest for me.

In the 3 months since she asked for a divorce, I've lost about 15lbs and feel as stress free as I have felt during my adult life (started dating her in college).  In fact, this weekend marked the first time I've spent with my extended family since she left, and, after heading home, I realized it was probably the most relaxing time I've spent with that group of people in a decade.  I was able to be myself and interact freely with everyone, all without that voice in the back of my mind worrying about what would trigger her.  It was a great feeling.  And one that I've missed.
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workinprogress
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« Reply #71 on: November 17, 2014, 08:36:27 PM »

It'd be great when we recycled, but that last 2-3 times and then it was back to "hurry up and get off me". One time she even said, "Alright, let's go ahead and get this over with."

But when we were getting back together, oh it was on. How someone could go from jumping me one week to absolutely treating me like I was some sort of degenerate sex addict was beyond me. Now I know why.

Mine used to tell me, "let's hurry up and get this over with."

Sometimes she was telling me to hurry up and finish right after I climbed on top and before I had penetration.

Sorry if too much info, but I never had sex before where I was trying to hurry up and climax.  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

Good lord, I can't imagine how this would make you feel.  Talk about no empathy!  How hurtful! Was their need to 'hurry it up' bc of their past abuse?  Or do you think it was to devalue you?  I'm wondering if this is a woman BPD issue (or maybe nothing to do w/ BPD) bc my uBPDexh wanted it to go on and on for like 4 hrs!  Who has time for that?  I could never do enough to please him and God knows I tried. 

In her defense on this, it was when the kids were around and we would sneak into the bedroom.  The thing was, we rarely had sex, about 2 to 4 times per year.  I used to try to get her to go on a date night and find someone to babysit.  She always refused.

I used to try to get her to go away for a weekend.  She never wanted to leave the kids.

So, instead of some romantic time together, we had to rush in and rush out, so to speak.

I always felt like she used the excuse of the kids to avoid me.

Later, she admitted that she "cast me aside for the kids."
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bungenstein
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« Reply #72 on: November 17, 2014, 08:39:21 PM »

WOW I got hair loss too, I mean how seriously stressed out must you be for your hair to fall out?

Why didn't I take it more seriously at the time?

What the heck>!> !>>! !P£$)%£)!"£!
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BuildingFromScratch
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« Reply #73 on: November 17, 2014, 09:02:57 PM »

Yeah my sexual self esteem has been destroyed by the relationship and also, I started losing my hair at like 20, 2 years after being with her, Laugh out loud (click to insert in post). Probably both insane amounts of anxiety and stress, along with genetics.
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« Reply #74 on: November 17, 2014, 09:10:46 PM »

Yeah my sexual self esteem has been destroyed by the relationship and also, I started losing my hair at like 20, 2 years after being with her, Laugh out loud (click to insert in post). Probably both insane amounts of anxiety and stress, along with genetics.

Hair thinning as well. I look at one of the 3 pictures(yes only 3, I meant that much to her) and notice in the 16 months together, my hair thinned out. Replacement won't have to worry about it. He's bald as fu*k except for a patch that goes around his head like a monk... .Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
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Caredverymuch
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« Reply #75 on: November 17, 2014, 09:11:17 PM »

WOW I got hair loss too, I mean how seriously stressed out must you be for your hair to fall out?

Why didn't I take it more seriously at the time?

What the heck>!> !>>! !P£$)%£!"£!

What sad irony Bungenstien.  I could not relate my hair loss to my r/s either.

I am a woman who takes very good care of myself, which includes healthy skin and hair treatments, my entire adult life.

My hair fell out to the point that I had absolutely no eye brows or bangs and the little bit of hair I had left broke off.  My rather high end hair dresser, of over 20 yrs,  said she'd never seen anything like it. 

What incredible trauma we were enduring and just far beyond.
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bungenstein
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« Reply #76 on: November 17, 2014, 09:51:19 PM »

WOW I got hair loss too, I mean how seriously stressed out must you be for your hair to fall out?

Why didn't I take it more seriously at the time?

What the heck>!> !>>! !P£$)%£)!"£!

What sad irony Bungenstien.  I could not relate my hair loss to my r/s either.

I am a woman who takes very good care of myself, which includes healthy skin and hair treatments, my entire adult life.

My hair fell out to the point that I had absolutely no eye brows or bangs and the little bit of hair I had left broke off.  My rather high end hair dresser, of over 20 yrs,  said she'd never seen anything like it. 

What incredible trauma we were enduring and just far beyond.

Wow that is intense, I'm so sorry, how long did it last?

I only had a patch fall out on the side of my head, she thought nothing of it, wasn't concerned at all.
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« Reply #77 on: November 17, 2014, 10:28:25 PM »

1. Destroyed self-esteem/self-confidence:

   -----> I would talk to people quickly and not make eye contact. Was never like this before.

2. Tobacco addiction

   -----> Went from a cigarette here and there to an all-out smoker. I have quit since the breakup!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

3. Weight gain

   -----> No motivation to work out or take care of myself, horrible eating habits, and lots of alcohol. All to cope with the stress.

4. Alcohol abuse

   -----> I enjoy a good night out but my drinking became problematic in the relationship.  I have gone from drinking in excess every night to only having 3-4 drinks each Saturday.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

5. Depersonalization

   -----> I was just "out of it" all day. I would come home from work and not know what I did all day.  Living in a literal fog (and the acronym!).

6. Started walking on eggshells with nons

   -----> Went on a date with a healthy (non) girl during one of the breakups.  We were chatting and I said, "My ex and I (referring to my "real" ex, not my BPDex)... ." I was instantly terrorized waiting for a blowup.  My date responded, "Nice that sounds fun," and the conversation continued normally and we had a fun date.

7. Lack of restful sleep

   -----> Some nights insomnia, some nights fighting till 5am, and other nights I was in such an anxious state I would not feel rested at all and wake up with huge bags under my eyes.

8. AND THE BIG ONE... .THE KNOT. The frequent, constant, twisting, knot in my stomach.  That state of unease.  Just instinctively knowing something is not right.  I still get this from time to time (am out 1 month NC and have had many epiphanies and healthy improvements in my life, no desire WHATSOEVER to recycle) but it is less and less.  It seems that many members on here talk about "the knot". 

Still waiting to see about the sexual dysfunction.  I don't think performance will be a problem, but I would be so far beyond turned on and into it with her that I don't know if I will ever be there again.  But maybe that's okay because the downsides are not in any way, shape, or form worth the highs.

Anyone mentioned nightmares, yet? Dreams with characters from my childhood, being bullied and humiliated by them. Depression, anxiety.

She still shows up in my dreams.  Childhood things come up too.  I've also had the "classic dream" where you are going about your normal day and then you realize you are naked.  I've read this indicates insecurity, vulnerability, and fear of exposure.  Sounds about right given this relationship.

But I accept all this, and that it is a progress.  I am choosing to take the steps to live a happy life, and as the above list shows, I am making clear progress in that direction.  Eating healthy, hitting the gym 4-5x/week and I am already down 10lbs (only gained about 15 in the relationship; I'm surprised it wasn't 50.  My only explanation is the frequent, intense sex.)

After the first few times we had sex, I'd get the "hurry up and finish".

One last point about the sex.  I never got the "hurry up" from her and she initiated it much more than I did.  She loved sex all day every day.  However, she told me it was "so hot" when I finished quickly (like 2 minutes).  Most females would be disappointed by this if they actually enjoyed the sex. (Research says 10 minutes is the "sweet spot" for a roll in the hay, not including foreplay.)  My reading has told me that even if a person enjoys sex (and is even a promiscuous person as she is), wanting it to be done quickly is a sign of likely sexual abuse as a child, as it goes back to a time they were in a situation they did not have control over and "just want it to be over".  I am nearly certain she was sexually abused as a child.
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Raybo48
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« Reply #78 on: November 17, 2014, 10:50:00 PM »

Yeah my sexual self esteem has been destroyed by the relationship and also, I started losing my hair at like 20, 2 years after being with her, Laugh out loud (click to insert in post). Probably both insane amounts of anxiety and stress, along with genetics.

Hair thinning as well. I look at one of the 3 pictures(yes only 3, I meant that much to her) and notice in the 16 months together, my hair thinned out. Replacement won't have to worry about it. He's bald as fu*k except for a patch that goes around his head like a monk... .Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

I went 45 years with really nice hair and when the stress of the relationahip hit my hair thinned in just three months... .I've tried everything to bring it back. Biotin, vitamins, etc... .Still not the same... I've accepted the fact that it will never be the same and it's my battle scars from her.  I can't believe how many posts there are on here about thinning hair.  Un f'in believable.
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thatwasthat
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« Reply #79 on: November 17, 2014, 10:57:11 PM »

Thinning hair here too.

I think it has become a tiny bit better the last couple of weeks (at least that's what I like to believe Laugh out loud (click to insert in post))
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« Reply #80 on: November 18, 2014, 03:01:56 AM »

I never want to be in a relationship again where my stress levels are so high. Damn, this thread made me remember what it felt like.

All the talk about other men stressed me out so badly. After a couple of months I was so anxious talking to her I had to eat Valium before our Skype talks. I was so afraid I'd say something that would either make her leave me or kill herself.

A few months later I had a nervous breakdown where my brain just shut off for 4 days to save it self.

And then on my last visit to her place I was constantly dizzy. Things were spinning. When I was alone I laughed and cried.
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« Reply #81 on: November 18, 2014, 03:21:30 AM »

I started getting more and more unhealthy during mt r/s with my xBPDbf.

- I was getting sleep deprived

- I was having a drink more often to 'calm my nerves' (I even rarely drink social, let alone to calm down)

- But most of all; i was feeling anxious all the time. I had this feeling that he could abandon the relationship any moment if i would say/do something that was not what he wanted to hear/see and that if i wasn't there the minute he needed me he would replace me. I felt like i had to be on call 24/7 at his service. The anxiety was killing me.

Any others felt like that?

Yup, I was always on edge. Stress through the roof. Always trying to please her with diminishing appreciation until my discard. Although I was her only bf when we were together (almost fairly certain of that   ) she would cancel plans on me all the time, show up late, try to make last minute plans and get mad when I couldn't... .all to control me. It was the 'crazy-making' that led me to drink more, eat more, cheat when we had mini-break-ups, and more.  I felt like I was taking on the traits of a pwBPD. Since she left, I've been drinking more and dating a lot to numb the pain (dating sucks, nobody was like her). Bad you would say, but I get depressed when I'm home alone now.
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« Reply #82 on: November 18, 2014, 09:48:51 AM »

6 months post break up now I am having nightmares and anxiety attacks. The joy of a BPD breakup continues.

The most pathetic part is I still miss and love him. I guess I always will. I wish I had known more about BPD before the split. Maybe it wouldn't have helped maybe it would have. Who knows. But at least I could have been kinder.

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« Reply #83 on: November 18, 2014, 01:43:06 PM »

My hair started turning white at an accelerated rate (from a few white hairs to a full chin of whites and whites at my temples.)

My skin got scrubby, probably all the booze.

Drank a lot more than ever in my entire life.
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« Reply #84 on: November 18, 2014, 02:00:56 PM »

I am still in the relationship and in the throws of hell but here is what I have experienced so far:

HIGH ANXIETY

HEART RACING and feeling like I am going to have a heart attack.

ANXIETY ATTACKS, mostly upon waking up to the reality of my crappy life and depleted finances. I have XANAX at the ready.

FEAR... .constant fear... .that we will stay together for years and then she will financially rape me.

DISASSOCIATION and feeling like I don't know what I am doing at times and what the true reality of the situation is.

THOUGHTS OF SUICIDE and feeling like my life just doesn't matter anymore and I wish I could just have an end to this pain (never mind that I have everything else going for me, great job, house, friends, people I love). I am not going to do anything about it. I have strong religious beliefs about that. Yet I feel that if I did die, I would be happier.

FEELING OF IMPENDING DOOM like something bad is going to happen, not just in the relationship but in my life in general like having some major household repair or becoming too sick to work or other things that have no basis in fact presently.

WEIGHT GAIN and listlessness. And the feeling like I just can't move my body enough to work out. No energy.

SEXUAL DISINTEREST. I used to have a high sex drive. Now I honestly don't care if I ever have it. I do it to please her and to see if maybe that will bring us closer. Mostly I just feel empty.

RAPID AGING. I feel that I look older and feel older in the last three years. I mean rapid aging. I think I look like hell.

POOR EATING habits. I mean like I just don't care. Bring on the beef. It's like I don't care if my arteries get clogged anymore.

ENVYING OTHERS LIKE NEVER BEFORE. I always thought that I had it going on, that I was the shining star with the great life. Now it seems like wherever I go I look around and watch others and think that I wish that I was them. They seem happy. Especially when I see couples I think "they are so happy, I wish that could be me".

AND SO MUCH MORE... .

I just don't have the guts to get out of my situation yet.

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« Reply #85 on: November 18, 2014, 02:03:08 PM »

I am still in the relationship and in the throws of hell but here is what I have experienced so far:

HIGH ANXIETY

HEART RACING and feeling like I am going to have a heart attack.

ANXIETY ATTACKS, mostly upon waking up to the reality of my crappy life and depleted finances. I have XANAX at the ready.

FEAR... .constant fear... .that we will stay together for years and then she will financially rape me.

DISASSOCIATION and feeling like I don't know what I am doing at times and what the true reality of the situation is.

THOUGHTS OF SUICIDE and feeling like my life just doesn't matter anymore and I wish I could just have an end to this pain (never mind that I have everything else going for me, great job, house, friends, people I love). I am not going to do anything about it. I have strong religious beliefs about that. Yet I feel that if I did die, I would be happier.

FEELING OF IMPENDING DOOM like something bad is going to happen, not just in the relationship but in my life in general like having some major household repair or becoming too sick to work or other things that have no basis in fact presently.

WEIGHT GAIN and listlessness. And the feeling like I just can't move my body enough to work out. No energy.

SEXUAL DISINTEREST. I used to have a high sex drive. Now I honestly don't care if I ever have it. I do it to please her and to see if maybe that will bring us closer. Mostly I just feel empty.

RAPID AGING. I feel that I look older and feel older in the last three years. I mean rapid aging. I think I look like hell.

POOR EATING habits. I mean like I just don't care. Bring on the beef. It's like I don't care if my arteries get clogged anymore.

ENVYING OTHERS LIKE NEVER BEFORE. I always thought that I had it going on, that I was the shining star with the great life. Now it seems like wherever I go I look around and watch others and think that I wish that I was them. They seem happy. Especially when I see couples I think "they are so happy, I wish that could be me".

AND SO MUCH MORE... .

I just don't have the guts to get out of my situation yet.

It's not about 'guts' its about self-preservation man! 
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« Reply #86 on: November 18, 2014, 02:11:52 PM »

Hi Michel .

Please , take a moment and breath , I don't know if she is still living with you or she left is she ?
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #87 on: November 18, 2014, 02:13:59 PM »

I just don't have the guts to get out of my situation yet.

Sending you a great big hug!  

I can really relate to your list, right down to not having the guts to get out yet. I used to have anxiety and fear but I could always talk myself out of it. I used to be so logical and rational. After 16.5 years of marriage, I feel paralyzed by fear and am trying to get back to a place where I can find it in me to leave or do something different.
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michel71
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 535


« Reply #88 on: November 18, 2014, 06:45:52 PM »

Hi Michel .

Please , take a moment and breath , I don't know if she is still living with you or she left is she ?

She is still here.
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michel71
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 535


« Reply #89 on: November 18, 2014, 06:49:13 PM »

I forgot to add:

STOMACH DISORDERS. I was recently diagnosed with a hiatal hernia. Stress related.

LACK OF GOOD SLEEP. She wakes me up all the time as she is a restless sleeper. I snore. Sometimes we sleep in separate beds just so we can get a good night's sleep.
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