How best to support my friend atm?

[Purged]

Oddly enough I appear to be the first person she has come back to after her getting very angry with her confidante and cutting them off.

She was always one of the borderlines that could only ever handle one close friend/ person to emotionally leech off of. When that person did something to piss her off... .she completely cut them off and never came back to them... that cycle seems to have changed with me, and she is trying to have more than one person to talk to now. I was thrilled with this at first because I thought it mean that she was recovering, but i'm not so sure now.

She has managed to trap herself atm.  She is a low functioning woman and she has started therapy recently. She has immediately turned on her therapist, just like she did with her previous landlord and her disability advocate.

She has always had an extreme fear of her father and sleeps with a knife nearby, afraid that he will find out where she lives. I suspect that her fear of her father is increased when she is angry/ afraid of something else and that the alexythmia clouds this from her awareness... .but I am not completely sure of it.

She messed up and her parents know where she lives atm and she cant concentrate on anything atm...   When she is going through rough patches she is too stressed to even phone someone up, she cant function at all... not even on the simplest of tasks. She has turned on her therapist because they wont help her get a council house... and she cant concentrate on the therapy whilst still living at the house... I don't know what the hell to do other than helping her see flats and moving.

I mean a message saying that the fear of the father is an excuse and that she come up with anything to jeopardise facing her demons in therapy... yeah she will probably cut me off and ruin her chances for sure then... .but once again I am not actually sure whether it is really an excuse/ weird BPD projection of other emotions. I guess if I help her move and it comes back to the father thing again in the future then I will know.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Purged]

 guess there is notghing that can be done for someone as low functioning as her.

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, Purged   

I would never say that someone with BPD who is very low-functioning would never be able to be helped; my own adult (37) son was diagnosed with Low-Functioning BPD in April 2013 (and he really was low-functioning at that time), and with the proper treatments and Therapies, he is doing very, very well. So, I do believe there is always hope for someone who knows he/she has a problem, wants to get the help for it, and then goes through with taking advantage of that help and participating fully.

I think the reason you haven't gotten any replies to your question is because this Board is for romantic partners of someone with BPD--spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, etc.--and you've told us that this woman is your friend? Friends, as opposed to someone you have a romantic relationship with, are different in that you may not have any leverage or ability to help them get Therapy or to change the way they live their lives or look at things... .

When you are living together, have a marriage, have children, or live apart but are still in some sort of a romantic relationship, the dynamics are quite different, and the tools & techniques given in the links to the right-hand side of this page might work differently than in a "friend" relationship. Have you checked out any of those links? Another good Article is here: Getting a "Borderline" into Therapy, and you should find some insights there that could help you with your friend. Even if she never goes to Therapy, the tips there are very useful for a relationship with someone with BPD.

Do I have the circumstances of this relationship correct? Am I missing something? 

[Purged]

Thankyou for the reply... things are going a bit better now.

She is my ex girlfriend and the first woman I ever really loved... I am still being a bit of a codependent. But as I am not in a relationship and don't plan on pursuing one with her again, I think I can say that I am not self harming in regards to trying to help her. 


I will keep this thread updated... I am just trying to figure out a way to reduce the chances of her turning on her therapist, but at the same time not turning on me for supporting the therapist at times.

[Rapt Reader]

We do have a couple of new (or updated) Articles that have more information, targeted to what you are talking about: How to get a BPD loved one into Therapy and Supporting a Child or loved one in Therapy for BPD. Whether our loved one is a child or not, and whether he/she is in or not in Therapy, both of these Articles have really good tips on how to deal with them and help them through their troubles. I really highly recommend them to anyone with a loved one with BPD.

Here's something from the second Article, to give you a taste:


What Should We Do When Things Go Wrong?

Don’t get defensive.

Don’t get defensive in the face of accusations and criticisms. However unfair, say little and don’t fight. Allow yourself to be hurt. Admit to whatever is true in the criticisms.

When people who love each other get angry at each other, they may hurl heavy insults in a fit of rage. This is especially true for people with BPD because they tend to feel a great deal of anger.

The natural response to criticism that feels unfair is to defend oneself. But, as anyone who has ever tried to defend oneself in such a situation knows, defending yourself doesn’t work. A person who is enraged is not able to think through an alternative perspective in a cool, rational fashion.

Attempts to defend oneself only fuel the fire. Essentially, defensiveness suggests that you believe the other person’s anger is unwarranted, a message that leads to greater rage. Given that a person who is expressing rage with words is not posing a threat of physical danger to herself or others, it is wisest to simply listen without arguing. What that individual wants most is to be heard. Of course, listening without arguing means getting hurt because it is very painful to recognize that someone you love could feel so wronged by you. Sometimes the accusations hurt because they seem to be so frankly false and unfair. Other times, they may hurt because they contain some kernel of truth. If you feel that there is some truth in what you’re hearing, admit it with a statement such as, "I think you’re on to something. I can see that I’ve hurt you and I’m sorry." Remember that such anger is part of the problem for people with BPD. It may be that she was born with a very aggressive nature. The anger may represent one side of her feelings which can rapidly reverse. (See discussion of black and white thinking.) Keeping these points in mind can help you to avoid taking the anger personally.



There's a lot in both of those Articles, and if you have the time to check them out, it might be worth your while... .Knowledge is power, and power can really make us feel better