To overcome pain and anger

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hello, this is my testimony 

I, Run Forest, woman, divorced in a previous life and now I am trying to leave my boyfriend who I know from the beginning has got personality disorders. (excuse my broken english... .

I thought I could manage my lover's bizarre lyrics because I treated them by humor and it worked well, made ​​him laugh.

I was quite attracted to him, five months ago, when we met.

I waited three months before being intimate. We have flirted after 1 month. It was fun but weird but fun.

OK except that when I spent a long weekend with him or that I had not enough slept I was less able of humor and very tired on Monday after a weekend with him.

Then my weaknesses were massively back in as I started to really love him and we were making plans for the future together.

Less energy to not let him trample my territory.

And he took the opportunity and abused.

Now I am addict in rehab cure.

I understand that in his behavior ; nothing remains, all volatile and I do not know the half of his strange life until recently.

15 days ago, a sociopath behavior on his part questioned our relationship (for me).

after a promise and a decision to change a week before... .I was disappointed.

I cried for three days. I wrote here and have had advice from members, thank you.

After a week of silence treatment from him, then I tried anyway to know him in a different activity : the following weekend (go walking in the mountains). It was disappointing for me, not romantic at all for many reasons.

Then he had to leave quickly. and I do not like him to leave me alone on Saturday night. because I'm hooked!

After another week of silent treatment from him (iexcept a nice message just an hour after he left me... .doing this all the time  ... .but then out of sight out of mind  .

So I had planned to spend last weekend on my own to reflect and to distance myself and give him reason to treat me with silence   because I'm nice and totally shows my commitment but do not make any gift if he mistreats me.


So... .I have a personal way to leave an addiction; I return to the crime scene, I go to the bottom of the wound and then as a ripe fruit, grief fades usually without warning.

 Without having to force my mind to tell me: ":)o not go back there at his place  and on his territory, don't look his photo and so on ... " it does not work with me.

I also look absolutely all the photos of us in happy times, I listen to her tender messages on my laptop and I still love his voice ... . 

and I cry my fill!  :'( :'(

So what a beautiful day last Friday.

After my rshoping at the end of the afternoon in his village where I dreamed to meet him at checkout (I wonder which woman cashier he had seduced here (since he liked to share his sort of activities with me! makes me laugh or indifferent 

... .but no it was too early he was still on his spot of work and anyway I do not know if he goes shopping here on Friday.

  

I decided then to go walk my dog ​​in the mountains up there because it was so fine fall weather this afternoon ... .I followed my impulses to chose where walking my dog, myself driving forward, then, got involved on a small mountain road and as I watched all the red cars I passed on the road I crossed one with a guy who really looks like him! as beautiful as him shaved. Well this is him. 

In the mirror I saw the red car slowing, I did not slow down but then tries to squeeze me in vain, I think he will definitely turn back  to join me... .no but  he called me and said with happily voice "why didn't you park?"  then the communication cut... .and he would not turn back. (neither me *)too proud)

So at this point of the story I wondered if I'm just abandonic (that I know I am) or borderline too ... .I began to be angry, desperate, felt abandoned, told me why ihe has not turned back after 2 weeks without seeing me? without sleeping together to be more precise.

Why do I choose to love a man for whom I am so unimportant? (this also I know why in my history, but the knowledge is not enough, you will see if you read me further)

So I stopped 20 minutes later since I found a path in a beautiful forest:  it is cold in the mountains and night will soon fall.

In this great nature, with my dog, I run and I run and I cryed I cryed I was angry and desperate especially when I imagine my lovern who is shopping and having normal life without affect during this time, there  down in the valley ... . I expressed my pain and I cryed my pain to the big oaks.

... .Just like the little girl often abandoned by her mother that I was a long time ago.

and after an hour, I suddenly remember, exhausted, the stage of my childhood when my mother had left me alone at 3yo alone in the flat, I beg my mother to stay, I tore a piece of his favorite plant for revenge for her absence which clinggled her fury on her return and I was beaten and trampled.

  Since early this afternoon I am guided by my subconscious and I know that this is a good guide for me.

Then I came back in tears but with happy body and soul to my car and  my dog too was exhausted.

5 minutes later when driving back, a sudden instinct guide me in a property in the woods on the left,   I have never taken this path and am surprised to find myself in the spot where my boyfriend is currently working ... .where I had joined him once earlier in August. I know the owner of the country house is not there right now. This is a narcissist who abuse of my borderline boyfriend. (the word is ugly


I want to see where my dear friend worked today, what he realised, I am found of his work.   this spot is very isolated and it will get dark. I find his work... .beautiful , and I decided to vent my anger, by an act of liberation ... .well a vengeance I'm not too proud but nothing outlaws.

I gave a kick in his work of the day the damage is still minimal but feel a but ashamed  then I move him any stuff on purpose to complicate his life a little bit (stones arranged intentionally and other objects) I threw five in the bushes-that hold the tiles- for five months long of our relationship- because at that moment I took my prerogative that's it. (anyway I couldn't come back after this childish vengeance of mine, a good way to protect me from myself

I leave... .relieved, tired, finally! I coincide exactly with myself at this very moment and refocuse me and what relaxing in my soul and my body!

Though the wild night is not over, I decided -me so discreet during our relationship- to learn more about his life, it's late, it's dark, it is about to know if he is home, is on his way back so I decided to drop by unannounced.

If he is in an Friday evening type of its kind with buddies and alcohol I'll burst and tell him that I leave if he is absent then... .

OK there he is not home,  all there is dark, night, tall trees around, I phone him once : unanswered.

then sms told me "I drive  I will call you, kiss." (usually he is writing this for the sake of peace and do not call back)

I call again : he answer not happy, "don't you get my sms?" I didn't used to be insistent with him!

... .and I talk and tell him that I am at his place (his garden). I told him that it's too bad to cross by the love of his life and not to turn back to see her... (3 hours ago now)

I then told him that I leave. So he offered me to come with him alone, tomorrow Saturday to his work's spot, I think he will soon oops   be aware of my nice rampage. I am not free (true) then he offers me to come on Sunday but I do not want anything no more. I leave. He said "ok I will take back my tools at your place I wish you to be happy".

I do not expect to see him again except for the tools and I get home 40 minutes away driving.

At 9:30 I receive a call from him.

I do not answer, his message is touching... . his soft voice... .  he do not want me to leave him and so on... ."it is Your prerogative to put me out of your life, I don't want you out of my life".  This is what I expected ... . to feel better... .I know it's over but it comforts me largely from his former silent treatment.

Finally as I am not a follower of any NC I left him a response 24h later, telling him your words means to me but ... .we go back together only if you go to therapy.

A sms back 1h later, he said "ok for therapy when I have found the right therapist, big kisses".

That's it, I do not expect anything from him and am quite relieved and to think of my crazy liberate trip of this Friday puts a smile on my lips and made ​​me stronger in connection with my true self .

I did also journalize and create now many other plastic cathartic art related to these emotions and colors of that night.

I advise you to experience things fully; pain and anger, because then the body and soul are thereby relieved and heartened.

[RunForest]

Hello, this is my testimony 

I, Run Forest, woman, divorced in a previous life and now I am trying to leave my boyfriend who I know from the beginning has got personality disorders. (excuse my broken english... .

I thought I could manage my lover's bizarre lyrics because I treated them by humor and it worked well, made ​​him laugh.

I was quite attracted to him, five months ago, when we met.

I waited three months before being intimate. We have flirted after 1 month. It was fun but weird but fun.

OK except that when I spent a long weekend with him or that I had not enough slept I was less able of humor and very tired on Monday after a weekend with him.

Then my weaknesses were massively back in as I started to really love him and we were making plans for the future together.

Less energy to not let him trample my territory.

And he took the opportunity and abused.

Now I am addict in rehab cure.

I understand that in his behavior ; nothing remains, all volatile and I do not know the half of his strange life until recently.

15 days ago, a sociopath behavior on his part questioned our relationship (for me).

after a promise and a decision to change a week before... .I was disappointed.

I cried for three days. I wrote here and have had advice from members, thank you.

After a week of silence treatment from him, then I tried anyway to know him in a different activity : the following weekend (go walking in the mountains). It was disappointing for me, not romantic at all for many reasons.

Then he had to leave quickly. and I do not like him to leave me alone on Saturday night. because I'm hooked!

After another week of silent treatment from him (iexcept a nice message just an hour after he left me... .doing this all the time  ... .but then out of sight out of mind  .

So I had planned to spend last weekend on my own to reflect and to distance myself and give him reason to treat me with silence   because I'm nice and totally shows my commitment but do not make any gift if he mistreats me.


So... .I have a personal way to leave an addiction; I return to the crime scene, I go to the bottom of the wound and then as a ripe fruit, grief fades usually without warning.

 Without having to force my mind to tell me: ":)o not go back there at his place  and on his territory, don't look his photo and so on ... " it does not work with me.

I also look absolutely all the photos of us in happy times, I listen to her tender messages on my laptop and I still love his voice ... . 

and I cry my fill!  :'( :'(

So what a beautiful day last Friday.

After my rshoping at the end of the afternoon in his village where I dreamed to meet him at checkout (I wonder which woman cashier he had seduced here (since he liked to share his sort of activities with me! makes me laugh or indifferent 

... .but no it was too early he was still on his spot of work and anyway I do not know if he goes shopping here on Friday.

  

I decided then to go walk my dog ​​in the mountains up there because it was so fine fall weather this afternoon ... .I followed my impulses to chose where walking my dog, myself driving forward, then, got involved on a small mountain road and as I watched all the red cars I passed on the road I crossed one with a guy who really looks like him! as beautiful as him shaved. Well this is him. 

In the mirror I saw the red car slowing, I did not slow down but then tries to squeeze me in vain, I think he will definitely turn back  to join me... .no but  he called me and said with happily voice "why didn't you park?"  then the communication cut... .and he would not turn back. (neither me *)too proud)

So at this point of the story I wondered if I'm just abandonic (that I know I am) or borderline too ... .I began to be angry, desperate, felt abandoned, told me why ihe has not turned back after 2 weeks without seeing me? without sleeping together to be more precise.

Why do I choose to love a man for whom I am so unimportant? (this also I know why in my history, but the knowledge is not enough, you will see if you read me further)

So I stopped 20 minutes later since I found a path in a beautiful forest:  it is cold in the mountains and night will soon fall.

In this great nature, with my dog, I run and I run and I cryed I cryed I was angry and desperate especially when I imagine my lovern who is shopping and having normal life without affect during this time, there  down in the valley ... . I expressed my pain and I cryed my pain to the big oaks.

... .Just like the little girl often abandoned by her mother that I was a long time ago.

and after an hour, I suddenly remember, exhausted, the stage of my childhood when my mother had left me alone at 3yo alone in the flat, I beg my mother to stay, I tore a piece of his favorite plant for revenge for her absence which clinggled her fury on her return and I was beaten and trampled.

  Since early this afternoon I am guided by my subconscious and I know that this is a good guide for me.

Then I came back in tears but with happy body and soul to my car and  my dog too was exhausted.

5 minutes later when driving back, a sudden instinct guide me in a property in the woods on the left,   I have never taken this path and am surprised to find myself in the spot where my boyfriend is currently working ... .where I had joined him once earlier in August. I know the owner of the country house is not there right now. This is a narcissist who abuse of my borderline boyfriend. (the word is ugly


I want to see where my dear friend worked today, what he realised, I am found of his work.   this spot is very isolated and it will get dark. I find his work... .beautiful , and I decided to vent my anger, by an act of liberation ... .well a vengeance I'm not too proud but nothing outlaws.

I gave a kick in his work of the day the damage is still minimal but feel a but ashamed  then I move him any stuff on purpose to complicate his life a little bit (stones arranged intentionally and other objects) I threw five in the bushes-that hold the tiles- for five months long of our relationship- because at that moment I took my prerogative that's it. (anyway I couldn't come back after this childish vengeance of mine, a good way to protect me from myself

I leave... .relieved, tired, finally! I coincide exactly with myself at this very moment and refocuse me and what relaxing in my soul and my body!

Though the wild night is not over, I decided -me so discreet during our relationship- to learn more about his life, it's late, it's dark, it is about to know if he is home, is on his way back so I decided to drop by unannounced.

If he is in an Friday evening type of its kind with buddies and alcohol I'll burst and tell him that I leave if he is absent then... .

OK there he is not home,  all there is dark, night, tall trees around, I phone him once : unanswered.

then sms told me "I drive  I will call you, kiss." (usually he is writing this for the sake of peace and do not call back)

I call again : he answer not happy, "don't you get my sms?" I didn't used to be insistent with him!

... .and I talk and tell him that I am at his place (his garden). I told him that it's too bad to cross by the love of his life and not to turn back to see her... (3 hours ago now)

I then told him that I leave. So he offered me to come with him alone, tomorrow Saturday to his work's spot, I think he will soon oops   be aware of my nice rampage. I am not free (true) then he offers me to come on Sunday but I do not want anything no more. I leave. He said "ok I will take back my tools at your place I wish you to be happy".

I do not expect to see him again except for the tools and I get home 40 minutes away driving.

At 9:30 I receive a call from him.

I do not answer, his message is touching... . his soft voice... .  he do not want me to leave him and so on... ."it is Your prerogative to put me out of your life, I don't want you out of my life".  This is what I expected ... . to feel better... .I know it's over but it comforts me largely from his former silent treatment.

Finally as I am not a follower of any NC I left him a response 24h later, telling him your words means to me but ... .we go back together only if you go to therapy.

A sms back 1h later, he said "ok for therapy when I have found the right therapist, big kisses".

That's it, I do not expect anything from him and am quite relieved and to think of my crazy liberate trip of this Friday puts a smile on my lips and made ​​me stronger in connection with my true self .

I did also journalize and create now many other plastic cathartic art related to these emotions and colors of that night.

I advise you to experience things fully; pain and anger, because then the body and soul are thereby relieved and heartened.

[RunForest]

Day 6 of no contact from him.

Because I let him take the initiative (to re-contact) this time.

My answer of his last sms (About answering my request of either therapy or / ending relationship) :

came naturally on Aunt Gladys style, since my cathartic action 3 days before lead me to a point of no return (of caring words via sms among other thing of commitment): « Yes , have a good day « his name » " not even ironic just far-away-from-him-now feeling.

(anyway : speaking of therapy via sms is surrealistic to me and shows the shallow of all this)

I was through many different ways of feeling that "No answer" day after day this past week :

- sad for the silence as if nothing ever happen,

- guilty of my detached answer after all he has done for me -gifts and work in my house, real efforts to give more time to the relation after listening to my complains, and his risk to commit accident/suicide when on his own - he is the Hermit type with the Waif side in social relations -handsome body and charism- and Queen options -his entire life is devoted to others : giving his time and all the fruits / vegetables of his garden and stuff/ free work to (unsignificant) others- he thinks he is a kind of Saint.

That was OK to me as a divorced/single woman Waif myself with material tasks,  since I love generosity in a man and a handy man like him is something I admire and precious to me. Though I knew from the first day that it was a way to control me and force me to stay in that relation by loyalty. And OK I feel trapped and the bad one.

But what if I don't care about being the bad one ?

I stay mute and each day without contact is digging a gap between me and him.

I guess he has no idea of this. Because the connection between us was possible only maintaining contact since it was much more addiction style for me not to feel and be alone and to fulfill the emptiness of my personal life, thinking "I am in love and have a man in my life" by any means, than a normal respect and love r/s.

In this case, no contact leads to no more feelings. This is my Borderline sides : at a certain point , out of sight out of (my) mind.

And I turn the page even much more quickly than I imagine today.

If the future with him* is out of my mind, the thoughts of him are not.

*I do not think that I ever imagined waiting about a possible therapy effects on him, me being apart, as I know the only way for an hermit like him to go -in town- for therapy would have been having me (or another very stable partner at his side since he's got no close family or friends relationship around)

I think and number/list each time he belittle me after an intimate moment.

And what about this feelings of lowering my self esteem... .the same fault he sees in my body -examined like a dead body- as well as my way to sleep, like did my mother when I was a child ... .even his sadistic smile sometimes makes me think of my mother.

I wonder why I met him on my way now? as I am advanced in age this massive return of the past after having met some real good and respectful  lovers in my young ages.

Maybe because I have to face my weaknesses hidden & compensated by the activities of my youth - and improve myself, I choose a copy of my mother -and father (for the schizoid-gardening-hermit- bipolar side)