Skirting on the edge- what is his game?

[macarroni]

My Ex BPD/NPD Husband seems to have figured out the right amount of ongoing harrassment and intrusion to cause a lot of pain to both our girls and attempts to do so unsuccessfully toward me. He is a Mental Health Therapist, so he should know better, but is the worst kind of high functioning B/NPD. I recieved a call yesterday from him (which is rare, I instituted no contact other than only email three years ago when the divorce was final and he moved out.) kissing my butt and going into this long fake lecture about how well we communicate and that things are going really well between us as co-parents. That we need to be a united front, and then started throwing our 14 year old under the bus trying to paint her black. When I just sat their and listened trying to figure out if this was as set up or who was listening to his ___ kissing tone and bs, he continued to bring up all sorts of scripted and crazy "official" coparenting compliments and then starting saying how he had no intentions of implying anything from a previous vent I recieved from him about my fiance. My 14 year old wants nothing to do with him and just shuts down when she goes to visit. My 12 year old daughter is moving that way as well, and our 9 year old is still not understanding what is going on but is scared of his rages.

Prior to all of this, he and his girlfriend he is living with has recently had a major blow out with our girls, it happened about a month ago when the girls came asking to change the visitiation arrangement schedule because he moved 30 min outside of the school district, and since they are older now they have early AM and after school practices. So they have to get up at 4:30 on Mondays to get to school when they see him. They just wanted to come home Sunday night so they can sleep at home and not get up as early because of how tired they are. They were scared to approach them on their own, because they know how he responds to this. So I sent a polite and business like email telling him the girls would like to discuss adjusting the schedule and why. My exn/BPDh and his girlfriend blew up at them and starting telling them it was obvious they (the girls) don't love them and that they just want to use them for money. Then his gf starting crying and saying how much she knows they hate her and they need to be thankful they have such a loving and involved father. Laying a guilt trip on them. I had to go pick our girls up because they were so upset with the things that were being said and the attacks made about me in the fight to the girls. The girls and I knew this wouldn't go well, but we did what a court and attorney would ask us to do first before requesting to modify.

He then sends me nasty, long, ranting emails blaming me and telling me how inappropriate I am. How this is all my fault, and demands compliance with his rules and expectations. He also attempts to accuse my fiance of inappropriately touching the girls (it never happened) and this upset our girls because they are very close with my fiance and respect him a lot. He also did the classic accusations of how unstable I am and went in to false accounts he made up of my stability. It was quite entertaining. I then remind him that all he had to say was that he wasn't interested in changing the schedule and none of this would have happened, but he created this. They girls later disclosed that they recorded him and his rants... .he found out they did.

Now he is seeking out my fiance's ex (who is on disability for BPD and Bi-polar and refuses treatment. My fiance and his ex are in a massive custody battle as he is seeking full custody, and she is being founded for dependent adult abuse and possibly charged with a felony for it). and having lunches with her and they text non-stop according to my girls and my fiance's kids. He also has contacted my 17 year olds family (who want nothing to do with him or his drama and we are friends) and is trying to befriend them... .why? no clue.

Not sure what his game is... .He is kissing my butt and trying to absorp himself into my life and fiance's relationships, and what his crazy is up to is a little confusing. I am not sure if he has some crazy scheme up his sleeve or if he is backpeddling... .Thoughts from outsiders?

P/S- yes the girls are in counseling.

[Matt]

The accusations he made against you and your fiancee - especially accusing your fiancee of inappropriately touching the kids - is there any documentation or witnesses who heard those accusations?

Anyone who would make false accusations like that should not be around the kids without supervision.  I would focus in on those accusations - bring them to the attention of the court - and seek to end his unsupervised contact.

[catnap]

My guess is that he is gathering negative advocates.  If he found recordings the girls did of him ranting, even if he destroyed them, he cannot be sure that more do not exist.  I would assume as mental health professional these could be very damaging to him professionally (if given to a state licensing board, for example) as well as in a custody situation. 

In your situation I would consult my attorney about the recent accusations to be proactive against what ever your ex may be attempting to do.

Like Matt said:

Anyone who would make false accusations like that should not be around the kids without supervision.  I would focus in on those accusations - bring them to the attention of the court - and seek to end his unsupervised contact.

[livednlearned]

My ex made similar allegations -- that my SO was a pedophile. When it came up in court, my L stated the facts and the judge pretty much shrugged. Believing that your kids are being molested and then doing nothing about it, especially when there is no evidence (except for a history of high-conflict) has a boomerang effect on the accusing parent. It makes him look bad. "Why, if you were concerned that there was abuse, did you not report it?" And then he has to say, "I couldn't be sure. I had a sixth sense." Blah blah blah.

I agree with what catnap said. Your ex is looking for negative advocates. He suspects the modification of custody will go to trial and wants to have "witnesses" who can corroborate his story that your fiance is a threat to the kids in some way. Something that your fiance's BPDex may be happy to corroborate.

One thing about this:

The girls and I knew this wouldn't go well, but we did what a court and attorney would ask us to do first before requesting to modify.

My lawyer would never have asked me to have my son to do anything like this. Do you trust your lawyer? This might work for a low-conflict  custody environment, but not high-conflict. It makes me wonder if your L understands what these cases are like. If not, that can seriously impair your chances for a good outcome.

It's different depending on where you live, and everyone ends up with a different judge, but in my case, the long, ranting emails from N/BPDx were very helpful. It was clear he was controlling, unreasonable, abusive, and frankly, unhinged. And what was even better is that N/BPDx would use these emails as his "evidence" that he then asked me to read aloud. So weird. I would sit on the stand and read these nutty and abusive emails and then my lawyer would stand up and say that N/BPDx had serious anger issues that made it impossible to coparent and we should terminate legal custody, and finally -- terminate visitation.

Sometimes those documents are the best thing you can hope for. Keep all of them. And don't respond in any way that comes across as negative engagement. You don't need to remind him that he is to blame -- let the court come to that conclusion on their own. Otherwise it looks like you are inflaming the situation and might have anger issues of your own. Either don't reply or answer, "Please confirm that you are not amenable to changing the custody schedule."

Sorry you're going through this. Incredible that he is a mental health professional. 

[Nope]

My DH's L is well versed in high conflict cases. She always advised us to send DH's BPD ex normal emails as though she wasn't high conflict and to ask for reasonable things as though his ex would comply like a normal person and then simply document the insanity that followed every single time. It was really frustrating for a long time and DH lost out on a lot of time with the kids as well as missing out on events because their mom kept him out of the loop. But then when we got to court we had documentation of over two years of blatent obstruction. Proving that someone is generally inclined to act entitled, raging, and not in the best interests of the kids goes a long way to proving general lack of credibility.

[Matt]

With that much documentation, I think it might be easy to get the court to appoint a Ph.D. psychologist to administer objective psych evals to both parents.  (Easier to get the court to order psych evals for both parents than just for one.  If you only ask for Mom to be evaluated, then you'll have to more-or-less prove there is a problem - a high bar to clear, though those e-mails might do it.)

With both parents' objective psych evals - like the MMPI-2 - you can probably show that she has BPD and/or another psychological disorder;  and you can find tons of research which shows that a parent with BPD or some other psych disorder puts the kids at much higher long-term risk - substance abuse, depression, etc.  Kids don't "inherit" psychological problems, like you can inherit some medical problems, but they are much more likely to have problems if they spend too much time with an adult who has serious issues and isn't getting the treatment she needs.