hard to believe

[inevernew]

My boyfriend. He says he has BPD.

our relationship has been the best ever, when it's the best, but unbelievably ugly because I have held back on committing fully, he says. it's has also been worse than I ever imagine. He has cheated with his ex several times. First few he said it was because he was torn. But recently, I discovered he had been cheating for at least 3 mths. I always suspected, due to past behavior, but he would work very hard to convince me that I was wrong.

So here we are, on and off every few days.  Still him blaming me because he cheats. Even since I found out a couple weeks ago. It has happened since, my fault.  I didn't meet all his needs. He gets so ugly, when I express my pain and doubt.

But then we reach an edge never reached before, he says all the right things. His apologies are better than perfect. But they are almost always followed by anger and rage if I express any pain, doubt, fear... the cycle... .over and over...

[Turkish]

Hello inevernew,

Cheating is a huge betrayal, made even more hurtful when we are blamed for it. If you add BPD into the mix, it's confusing to say the least. Do you get the sense that he's using his BPD as an excuse?

pwBPD (people with BPD) are driven by their emotions, and uncontrollable emotions are at the core of the disorder. The need for validation of their feelings is key when dealing with a pwBPD. We can certainly help you with that. Since they also suffer from a core fear of abandonment, you expressing your feelings, while valid,.likely triggers those abandonment fears. I get the sense that you are trying to make this relationship work, is that right? I hope to hear more on how best we can support you.

Turkish

[livednlearned]

Hi inevernew,

I wanted to join Turkish in welcoming you to the site. I'm sorry to hear your BF has cheated on you -- so painful to experience that betrayal, and then he blames you for it   . This "blame-shifting" is common among people with BPD because experiencing negative feelings, especially as a result of their own behaviors, creates extreme distress. It can make for a very painful and confusing cycle, especially if you feel fear, obligation, or guilt (FOG) and take the blame. 

Have you been with your BF a long time? Do you think he is still cheating with his ex?

Keep posting. It really does help. People here understand and really know what you're going through. You're not alone.



LnL

[inevernew]

after my last post, i actually spoke to my love,and explained i was trying to get help so i could do a better job understanding his needs, of course, according to him, things would be better. he was greatful!

well, since then, i fell back into not asking for support just trying to deal with reality day to day.

Three week after that post, he moved his ex in for the weekend because one of our many "breakups". see, he broke up with me with his words at least once a week, needless to say, I never felt broke up. i just viewed him showing his tell.i never moved on, i never even considered it a thought, within hours ,sometimes days, he loved me more than ever,

After that weekend, i really had had enough. He new it. but like always, his sweet words and promises convince me that we might indeed have finally reached a point that he realized he was wrong, he swore and cryed, he would never hurt me that way again,

within 6 weeks,he was back on narcotics, mood swings, anger increased,demands,that were unreasonable,however we had the sweetest christmas ever. but new years day, another lie, didnt add up, i was furious. so over the next 2-3 weeks, we were on,then off,on thenoff. but intimate pretty much the whole time, when he loved, he was perfect, but when he felt rejected, needy etc, nothing good was ever considered. jan 27th, he recorded and sang me a beautiful song, i new he love me!

within 1 week, he exchanged phone numbers with an associate that would come by our office,i even saw them chating, but suspected nothing( im so stupid). so at some point in that time he and i were "working it out"again while he was chating with her too.and then... .BAMM, he's seeing her, done with me.and within 2 or 3 more days ,(and of course i had to find this out by catching him coming home at 4:30 in the morning.His comment... .we're over. he's found the love of his life. and threatens me, that if i dont want to witness him moving on, i should find other employment... .im in shock, denial,and i feel like everything that i thought was real that we shared for 2 years, was not reality. my brain cannot comprehend.

crazy part... .i miss him, ilovehim, i wish i would have understood BPD better. How does he love me so intensely one week and want to marry me, then 2 weeks later, its her now?

what do i do?

[Turkish]

ineverknew,

How is it going today, is there any contact? It's tough enough to deal with BPD behaviors, but adding controlled substances into the mix further complicates things. Has he given you any openings in the last day?

[CanICallYou]

hi!

let him be. once a cheater is always a cheater.  i know it easier said than done, but you deserve to be happy.  how you doing?

[inevernew]

not well, i cry with most any thought.he made me feel ... special. he said what we shared he would never share wih another. But he is already telling his familt(like with me), that hes gonna marry her one day.

all this in a span of 2 weeks. Jan 27th, he sent me e voice message,and sang an entire song telling me how much he love me. The week before he erupted ,he ask me to marry him again... im so stupi... i believed it all. I believed he would get better.

[Skip]

and threatens me, that if i dont want to witness him moving on, i should find other employment... .im in shock, denial,and i feel like everything that i thought was real that we shared for 2 years, was not reality. my brain cannot comprehend.

crazy part... .i miss him, ilovehim, i wish i would have understood BPD better. How does he love me so intensely one week and want to marry me, then 2 weeks later, its her now?

I don't know what to say, except that my heart and prayers are with you.   We are all vulnerable in relationships.  In helper relationships, we are even more vulnerable because we put our needs aside for another.

I know this hurts.   

[inevernew]

no, no openings. Its valentines, i know him well. he goes over board to show affection. he's definitely occupied.i'll continue to believe though, if in fact he could have just not had that someone feeding his ego as we were working it out,that he would be showering me with that atttention today,. im pathetic.

did i mention. he is also my boss. i actually contracted the flu tues, so i only saw him at work for about 2 hours on thur.

[zeus123]

Don't talk to a cheater anymore have some dignity. you know he cheated but you still talk to him WOW your dog is more loyal than him talk to your dog it understand more than your ex.