Really Confused Now

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I been N/C now for 3 months , and haven't seen her for well over a 18 months.  As most, I have tremendous pulls toward her.  Yes, there were several breakups, and very hurt feelings.  The last breakup,  I left because she was active on a dating site, and I caught her quite by accident. She refused to get off it even though I asked her nicely, then raged at me about other stuff (deflecting) then told me "No one tells me what to do or say.

Yes, lots of bad behavior, raging etc, abusive at times even to store clerks if she thought they were dissing her .  Could explode sometimes during the most romantic moments. 

She is 62.  married 3 times . engaged 4, doesn't get along with anyone in her family and no real friends. To my knowledge she doesn't know she BPD, but in some breakup , because I was hurt, I guess I lashed out and told her she always plays the victim, and its always everyone fault never her.  I know not good, but I didn’t know about how to handle things, then.  I never experienced anything close, and I was married 34 years.  But I am guessing though at her age, and all the ruin relationships she must of heard something about herself but being attractive they usually don’t listen and move to the next supply.

 

My problem and it is mine, is that now I read the success rate is 80% for BPD?  Probably like many, I gave up, since I didn't know how to handle a BPD relationships.   She is very  Intelligent, self sufficient, financial set, very driven at times. 

So, my probelm is now my mind is spinning thinking,  she might probably still care but like many say, it was never truly love on her part from the beginning just her needs that I met, and once that need wasn't there, she was ready to move on.   The mirror and the reflection she saw of me, became devalued. 

   

So, it hurts, and no I don't want her to suffer, but I don't either, but we did recycle 7-8 times, and I know, she reverted back to demands and rage, and even 12 months ago when she cried she wanted to come back and she was a total b___  (I didn't go) a month later when she text and told me how I deceived her through the relationship  etc.   I do have a great women I going out with very cute and caring and all my friends think I am insane to lose this girl to go back to the crazy abusive nut, as they call her. 

I always wonder if I should have just met her, then told her as direct but gently as possible about getting help, but I think, that’s something, as most say, they need to see honestly for themselves.   Also, I think once they started to split you black and as many times as we did breakup that’s ball game

[outside9x]

I been N/C now for 3 months , and haven't seen her for well over a 18 months.  As most, I have tremendous pulls toward her.  Yes, there were several breakups, and very hurt feelings.  The last breakup,  I left because she was active on a dating site, and I caught her quite by accident. She refused to get off it even though I asked her nicely, then raged at me about other stuff (deflecting) then told me "No one tells me what to do or say.

Yes, lots of bad behavior, raging etc, abusive at times even to store clerks if she thought they were dissing her .  Could explode sometimes during the most romantic moments. 

She is 62.  married 3 times . engaged 4, doesn't get along with anyone in her family and no real friends. To my knowledge she doesn't know she BPD, but in some breakup , because I was hurt, I guess I lashed out and told her she always plays the victim, and its always everyone fault never her.  I know not good, but I didn’t know about how to handle things, then.  I never experienced anything close, and I was married 34 years.  But I am guessing though at her age, and all the ruin relationships she must of heard something about herself but being attractive they usually don’t listen and move to the next supply.

 

My problem and it is mine, is that now I read the success rate is 80% for BPD?  Probably like many, I gave up, since I didn't know how to handle a BPD relationships.   She is very  Intelligent, self sufficient, financial set, very driven at times. 

So, my probelm is now my mind is spinning thinking,  she might probably still care but like many say, it was never truly love on her part from the beginning just her needs that I met, and once that need wasn't there, she was ready to move on.   The mirror and the reflection she saw of me, became devalued. 

   

So, it hurts, and no I don't want her to suffer, but I don't either, but we did recycle 7-8 times, and I know, she reverted back to demands and rage, and even 12 months ago when she cried she wanted to come back and she was a total b___  (I didn't go) a month later when she text and told me how I deceived her through the relationship  etc.   I do have a great women I going out with very cute and caring and all my friends think I am insane to lose this girl to go back to the crazy abusive nut, as they call her. 

I always wonder if I should have just met her, then told her as direct but gently as possible about getting help, but I think, that’s something, as most say, they need to see honestly for themselves.   Also, I think once they started to split you black and as many times as we did breakup that’s ball game

[Lucky Jim]

She is 62.  married 3 times . engaged 4, doesn't get along with anyone in her family and no real friends.

we did recycle 7-8 times, and I know, she reverted back to demands and rage, and even 12 months ago when she cried she wanted to come back and she was a total b___ 

Hey outside, These are red flags, in my view.  I'm a little confused, too, by your post.  What is it that you would like to do?  Do you want to get back together with your BPDx?  If so, why?  It's your call, of course, and only you know what is right for you.

Lucky Jim

[outside9x]

Hi LuckyJim,

JIm, at the moment I think yes, since, I was triggered by this, Post like were they can be cured, but then I think how cruelly I was treated.  How much I put up with.  All the lies, running around for her like my hair was on fire to please her, only to be treated badly at some point, based on her inclination.

Then I think could I do this to another person, even if I didn't love them.  The answer is I never ever could or would.    I never have.

Then I think of the healthy relationship I am now, yes, not as Exciting, but very loving and caring on both sides, and it hurts this relationship to be suddenly pulled back by the addiction of the allure.  What is it I crave that I am willing to do that?  Her sexy curves and herr BPD tendencies were she adores me,., but I think of the post, like she is suddenly even at her age cured.  She is very sharp, but... .Now I see, she could have done that at any time, (seek help) especially with me, if she really cared and loved like she said. (No one that loves would want to harm what they cherish)  Ah, Actions say much more, than words, but my mind was giving her a big hall pass, thinking somehow she'll beat her BPD tendencies.  

Thanks

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, outside,

What makes you think a pwBPD can be "cured"?  What makes you think your BPDx has been "cured"?

LJ

[outside9x]

Hi Lucky Jim,

I think I misread a Post here that said BPD curable with 80 success rate.  I think it might of been referring to those BPD that have suicidal tendencies, or cut themselves etc.

Because there is no way they can know , (I believe) about how they engage in a close relationship!

[vortex of confusion]

You might do a little more research on BPD.

I was curious about the 80% cure rate so I did some digging and found this article: www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201004/the-good-news-and-bad-news-about-BPD-treatment

[outside9x]

Hi Vortex,

Good Post.  I read it all a bit fast, but seems this BPD sample were ones mostly of high risk cutting suicide etc, and the cure rate was good, but it did drop off even for them.  I think the message was one of being positive that it can be cured, but it looks like any do not stay in the program etc, which is what I usually hear, and didn't really shed light too much on the functional ones that mostly cause havoc in a relationship and being able to cure that part of their issues.

Thanks to all, I always ready to believe and that's ok, but I think at her age, she showed no real signs relationship wise.  I seen her sometimes catch herself. 

That's what I got out of it. 

[Waifed]

The study is written in a way to give hope to pwBPD and their loved ones IMO. I wouldn't give it much weight. I'm sure some improve but don't count on it. At 62, what are her chances of seriously committing to therapy?  You will be much better off in the long run moving on. This is a horrible illness where nobody wins. You can escape the situation and move on with your life. She is stuck with it and you can't help her.

[Infared]

Outside... .

RUN and don't look back.

Run fast.

[vortex of confusion]

Hi Vortex,

Good Post.  I read it all a bit fast, but seems this BPD sample were ones mostly of high risk cutting suicide etc, and the cure rate was good, but it did drop off even for them.  I think the message was one of being positive that it can be cured, but it looks like any do not stay in the program etc, which is what I usually hear, and didn't really shed light too much on the functional ones that mostly cause havoc in a relationship and being able to cure that part of their issues.

Thanks to all, I always ready to believe and that's ok, but I think at her age, she showed no real signs relationship wise.  I seen her sometimes catch herself. 

That's what I got out of it. 

But look at the sample size. It is not that big.

Yes, there may be hope for somebody that genuinely wants to change or is invested in getting better. However, what about all of those that have absolutely no desire to change or do anything different. Given the description that you have given of this person, I don't see why she would ever want to change. She has made it 62 years being the way she is. I wouldn't hold out hope and would run like hell.