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Author Topic: why is it best to not make ex bod gf jealous  (Read 6880 times)
emancipated
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« on: November 02, 2014, 10:38:54 PM »

Simple question like a lot of u I have done a lot of reading on this issue and truth be told have gained a lot of ground at least in my opinion. I was reading an article I think it was shrink4men or another support site and it mentioned don't try and make ur ex borderline jealous... Its a dangerous game park your car in the garage blah blah blah... the reason I ask is ive been split from exBPD girlfriend unofficially on the 23rd for 5 months will be officially 4 months tomorrow meaning she came out and said she isn't coming back. I am currently attempting to reconcile with my estranged wife who my borderline ex absolutely hated and never met the girl. Upon a most recent Convo we had she unsolicited brought up my face book and asked me about her which I found odd seeing as she has been happy with her 50 years chomo looking sugar daddy so the mere idea she was keeping tabs on me was a Lil surprising seeing as he is everything im not blah blah blah Smiling (click to insert in post). At that time it was an error that caused to reflect we had reconciled  but after the lieing Convo we had the other day decided to change it back and committ full tilt... I don't know if the unusual chattiness was sign I was coming up white again because that was the first time since she called quits I got something other than venom from her. We live 6 hours away now but I wanted to see if there was any jealous BPD ex stories and what happened and why the sudden change in her demeanor... she did ask me about a parking key card to our old complex that was gonna charge her 50 bucks if she can't replace it.but even before when she needed something she would be venomous. So I don't think its the whole truth based on what she said again taken for face value but she said they moved in together back in September after being together for 2 months so now at the 4 month mark is it starting to break down? Any help is appreciated...
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Infern0
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« Reply #1 on: November 03, 2014, 01:41:22 AM »

It's just a case of playing with fire.

BPD'S get jealous to the extreme,  even if they don't want you they like it for you to be "avaliable" in case they want you at some point down the line. It's why they triangulate so much and are non comittal,  they want options and escape routes always.

When they get triggered they can say and do ridiculous things,  extreme impulsively.  And jealousy can trigger this.

Not every borderline is going to become violent but they could and probably will jeapordise your new relationship either by contacting your new girlfriend or trying to seduce you or something else.  so it's best not to let them know.

In my opinion it's best to get to a point of no contact and just cut them out especially if you are with someone new,  there ain't no happy ending where your BPD ex is going to be happy for you in your new relationship,  more likely she'll be at home in hysterics stabbing a pillow with a picture of your new girlfriends face on it.

Do. Not. Want.
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emancipated
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« Reply #2 on: November 03, 2014, 02:15:24 AM »

Hey inferno

Yea well here is where the plot thickens. Me and my borderline began as an affair I'm not proud of it me and my wife had hit a substantial rough patch and truth be told always was in a bit of a rough patch ... I Began dating my borderline and the love bombing and idealization stage was intense the love and emotion crashed upon me like a tidal Wave. This went on for about a year then my wife found out about the affair and pressured me to end it to refused and moved out with BPD . our time living togetherbwas marred by bad luck monetary issues and the like. I was waiting for my wife to file for divorce and n and didn't. We became friends nothing sexual or anything came up we just got along better not being together. So I started bringing the dog we had together over to stay with her for a couple days at a time making  my BPD pissed. And the big fight that led to me being kicked out was because I invited her to get pizza or a sandwhicy before she moved away in public again I was comfortable not hiding any of this although BPD flipped which later  may have been an excuse to get me out of the way for her new relationship... When I left town I stayed w my sister until she officially called it quits so I drove to my wife's new house and she invited me to stay and watch the house and be there to meet construction people and such. As ive covered before my ex BPD hid her new relationship while listening to me beg andnplead. Well after a while me and my wife decided to confront my affair head on and try to reconcile where I stay here full time. when I reached out to BPD about dog we adopted one of the things she asked about me and my wife reconciling I hid it on Facebook but now at the point where I don't care... we live 6 hours away now but she does know the address and know its only a matter of time before she checks facebook again.will it be worse because she already hated my wife or what could I expect
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emancipated
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« Reply #3 on: November 03, 2014, 02:20:57 AM »

And to be candid i hope she does go hysterical and can't stand it and starts stabbing things lord knows I've cried and driven myself crazy over that girl
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vortex of confusion
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« Reply #4 on: November 03, 2014, 02:33:05 AM »

its only a matter of time before she checks facebook again.will it be worse because she already hated my wife or what could I expect

Why not block her on FB? If the two of you are done and you don't really have any business together, I would minimize contact if not go no contact completely.

There is no way to know what to expect. If you are trying to reconcile with your wife, then that needs to be your primary focus. Go no contact with the lady with BPD. Whether or not there will be any fall out remains to be seen. I know that I cannot accurately predict my husband's reaction to anything. I am having an affair. If you want the full details, you can see some of my other threads. My situation is unique in that the affair started with my husband's approval. Quite frankly, I feel that it was kind of at his request. It wasn't a direct request but it was close enough. Anyway, one day he would be all happy about things and the next day he would be ranting and raving and jealous. I think I figured out the pattern. He would be all happy if I would give him reports about the status of the affair and share details with him. If he found out that I contacted my lover without his knowledge, then he would get mad and jealous and throw temper tantrums.
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emancipated
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« Reply #5 on: November 03, 2014, 03:26:02 AM »

Hey vortex,

Truth be told it is my primary concern atm is to reconcile with my wife. However i read that bit of information on another site and didn't expand on why it was a dangerous proposition and wanted to see what the reactions people in the past have had. I have toggled with blocking her and her mom on Facebook to try and save her the embarrassment of being the other woman. I don't know why she cares , she aids and helps her mom cheat on her dad all the time. Her relationship with her mom is the big indicator more than anything that she has BPD the woman essentially manipulated my ex in every which way and used help she gave her as something to hold over her head. At this point i figure why bother if she really wants to look at it she can either start a new fb, use her sons fb,friend family or replacements . And to be candid i hope it burns her hind side she hated my wife and all my wife did was be stupid enough to marry me, granted me and her have our own set of issues that led to me having an affair but thats not hear nor there. so when inferno mentioned her going all michael myers on a pillow i know its childish but it gives me some satisfaction to know that for even a second she feels the anguish i have felt over these last 4 -5 months and if it doesn't who cares. I was actually surprised to find out she was looking after all replacement is everything she ever wanted. I don't know how many of my posts you've read but if ud like the full story they are there. And in regards to your relationship/ affair it sounds like ur BPD likes the idea and gets arousal of some kind from you being with someone else and thats why he gets so upset when he doesn't know about it, I don't know if you care familiar with cuckolding its not something I'm overly familiar with but its when a husband or significant other likes it when their wife or significant other is with another,wanting to hear about it and in some instances ... .watch i am no doctor but it maybe something if you haven't looked into researched... just a thought, how can i read your other posts i am new to the site and would love to know more about your situation
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clydegriffith
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« Reply #6 on: November 03, 2014, 11:55:43 AM »

It's just a case of playing with fire.

BPD'S get jealous to the extreme,  even if they don't want you they like it for you to be "avaliable" in case they want you at some point down the line. It's why they triangulate so much and are non comittal,  they want options and escape routes always.

When they get triggered they can say and do ridiculous things,  extreme impulsively.  And jealousy can trigger this.

Not every borderline is going to become violent but they could and probably will jeapordise your new relationship either by contacting your new girlfriend or trying to seduce you or something else.  so it's best not to let them know.

In my opinion it's best to get to a point of no contact and just cut them out especially if you are with someone new,  there ain't no happy ending where your BPD ex is going to be happy for you in your new relationship,  more likely she'll be at home in hysterics stabbing a pillow with a picture of your new girlfriends face on it.

Do. Not. Want.

This is very true. After b/u the BPDx quickly started "dating" one of the guys she was cheating on me with but since she did not have him reeled in, she would get jealous if she saw me with a female friend. They are indeed always looking to have someone around as their escape when the inevitlable happens.
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emancipated
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« Reply #7 on: November 03, 2014, 01:31:45 PM »

How would they display their jealousy?
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Duped11years

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« Reply #8 on: November 03, 2014, 04:09:36 PM »

I essentially have a similar story, not proud of it, but my marriage wasn’t good and a neighbor and I became close, I was idealized, drawn in and the rest is history.

She wanted to cool it off, go back and find happiness at home early in the summer, and I agreed at that time because the relationship was so toxic.  The problems began when she saw and heard about what my wife and I doing together, going away on the weekends for example, and she went nuts. Wanting to meet, recycled, raging at me, accusations blah blah blah. The things she would tell me she was doing to get back at me were amazing, graphic texts and details. I finally did something I should have done years years ago. During one of her rages, I told her I need her out of my life and hung up. That was 5 weeks ago. Absolutely no contact at all since and feeling stronger everyday. 

She has been in the mode of making me jealous now, making out with her husband in their shed in my view as I was working in the yard, the next weekend I was out again and saw him rushing to the shed and then he closed the doors. I thought that was odd, but ten minutes later they both walked out laughing. I didn’t see her going in there, but she must have texted him to meet. I just laughed.

She is trying to get a reaction out of me. I made her jealous throughout the summer doing exactly what she was said she was going to do, and that’s finding happiness. They don’t like when they lose control and they especially don’t like if you appear to start living your life and again and enjoying time with another woman/man.

If living your life and moving on makes them jealous, then so be it. Just be ready to watch or hear about their actions to get back at you and don’t give them the satisfaction of a reaction.  They will ramp it up, but it should die down once they realize that its not effecting you anymore. 

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vortex of confusion
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« Reply #9 on: November 03, 2014, 04:58:42 PM »

How would they display their jealousy?

I don't think anybody can accurately predict how they might react.

It can be anything from outright stalking to completely withdrawing and snubbing their nose at you. I think that is what makes it so dangerous. There is absolutely no way to adequately predict what might happen.
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emancipated
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« Reply #10 on: November 04, 2014, 06:42:10 AM »

Hey vortex

Its great to hear back from you I realize that it can't be accurately predicted ... I don't know whether to stand by what she said she would never come back the idea of this post was to get examples from others and speculation based on experiences to help . their wasn't a whole lot of literature about why its best to not make them jealous it just said it was a dangerous proposition.

And duped thank you for ur contribution ... we live 6 hours away now so the only way I would hear about it would be through her directly.it just caught me so off guard to have her actually asking questions and being conversational especially when the last couple times we spoke she was very mean and nasty and when sites said they look at u on social media I didn't think she would because I never caught her checking up on previous exes ... maybe it was naive of me but was def taken aback that after all that she said and done and the hurt she inflicted By just not being able to say hey I replaced u with an old guy still don't understand the hiding of the relationship. If he really is that great and if this caught me I want to he ready for both a possible recycle attempt or any backlash
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vortex of confusion
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« Reply #11 on: November 04, 2014, 08:11:57 AM »

Its great to hear back from you I realize that it can't be accurately predicted ... I don't know whether to stand by what she said she would never come back the idea of this post was to get examples from others and speculation based on experiences to help . their wasn't a whole lot of literature about why its best to not make them jealous it just said it was a dangerous proposition.

The guy that I dated and broke up with in college used to show up at my work all the time. And he would leave notes on my car. This was before social media. I finally got him to leave me alone by calling campus security. The security guards called him and told him that he wasn't allowed on campus again and that if he did he would be arrested. There was other stuff that he did that I heard about but couldn't confirm.

One of the times that he showed up at my work, he told me that he met some chick at a bar and had a one night stand with her. He went so far as to tell me that all he thought about while doing her was me. He tried to tell me crap like, "oh it is such a cold cruel world out there." I looked at him and said, "Well, the world I live in is rather warm."


I know of one incident where somebody's house "accidentally" burned down. It was in the midst of a very ugly break up and there was a lot of speculation as to what happened.
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emancipated
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« Reply #12 on: November 04, 2014, 08:48:48 AM »

Wow that all sounds very intense... thank you for that i certainly hope it doesn't come to that although reconciling with my wife could be what sets her over the edge. I doubt she will although with all the lies and stories she had from the past it's hard to know prefer to be over prepared and have nothing happen then to be blind sided again with not so much warm comments but rather inquisitive like she was kicking tires... How are things going in ur relationship both the affair and the hubby?
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vortex of confusion
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« Reply #13 on: November 04, 2014, 09:16:39 AM »

Wow that all sounds very intense... thank you for that i certainly hope it doesn't come to that although reconciling with my wife could be what sets her over the edge. I doubt she will although with all the lies and stories she had from the past it's hard to know prefer to be over prepared and have nothing happen then to be blind sided again with not so much warm comments but rather inquisitive like she was kicking tires... How are things going in ur relationship both the affair and the hubby?

That level of intensity is precisely why it can be dangerous to make them jealous. That is why it is really important to go no contact and block them on ALL social media. Out of sight is out of mind. The more they see stuff, the more apt they are to get jealous.

Things are fine in both arenas. My husband and I are at a point where we are living day to day and taking care of the kids. I have told him that there isn't really anything that he can do to get me to change my mind about leaving once we get our finances and stuff in order. He likes to play the martyr and act like he is doing me such a huge favor to concede to leave when we get our finances in order. I figure that it isn't going to be pretty when the time comes. He wants his security but he doesn't want to do the work involved in being in a relationship with me or his kids. The kids can be very rude and disrespectful to him. I tell him to stand up for himself or act like a dad. He says crap like, "what's the point? If they hate me, they hate me." That crap infuriates me because he acts like such a victim and such a little martyr. HE is the adult. HE should be the one that steps up and works on his relationship with the kids.

Oh, and as far as jealousy goes, I have to admit that I did some pretty bad things to my husband when he was flaunting other girls and talking to them and about them like I was some kind of nothing. I got in his email and sent those other women emails to let them know what was going on and to find out if he was being physical with them. And, I launched a rather ugly campaign on social media. He had to block me for a couple of days because I completely dysregulated, which is why I wonder if I might be the one that is completely messed up in the head. At one point, I posted something along the lines of "Free wife. All you need to do is clean her up before you send her home. For details, contact Mr. Vortex."

As far as the affair relationship, it is pretty low key. I send him a morning message and he sends a response and that is about it. He has stuff going on in his life. Not sure what it is but it doesn't much matter as I know his priority is his family and he knows that my priority is my family. There is no pressure. Neither of us have any idea when we will get a chance to see each other again. We haven't seen each other since August. I see his posts on social media and he sees mine. He doesn't publicly interact with me much, if at all. I might like a few of his posts or comment occasionally but I try to keep it pretty minimal.
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