Hi

[the bunny]

I guess I don't really know where to start. I'm sitting here tonight with my husband up stairs in bed, not talking to me. We have been together for 12 years with many ups and downs. He is a therapist, or at least was one, now he is working in another field. He know that he suffers from borderline personality disorder, or at least has admitted it in the past. He thinks he has outgrown it, and at times I believe he has. I know that my reactions to our relationship is a great meter to what is really going on. I believe all things in our relationship are co-created, and there are times that I am walking on eggshells. That was what happened tonight, we have had a rough week. On Sun he got mad at me because I did not want to hike in the area he wanted to go. Honestly, the trail had several rattle snake on it and I was afraid it would not go well. I know this sound crazy, story of my life... .

On the way home I was whiny and offered to hike on another trail that was safer, but he was done for the day. He called me a whiny b___ and came in the house, went off alone and up to bed. On Mon we both went to town together, I was supposed to pick him up at work and came to get him 15mins late. Things did not go well for us on the way home, I told him a lie about why I was late thinking that he would understand, that did not work. So I told him the truth that I was at the library and lost track of time. He was so mad, told me to shut my mouth several times or I would be sorry. I told him not to talk to me that way and told him I was sorry. Again he came home and went to bed, he did come out later and told me he did not want me to be out here alone. We talked a little and then he just went back into the guest room and went to bed. I honestly did not know what happened in that exchange, what happened... .

Of course the roses and candy came on Wed, but we did not talk about it. I had to really work on not cutting off, I will not treat him the way he treats me. I would lose the best part of me that is left.

So tonight we were watching the football game, yes I am a fan, and the pellet stove shut off because it got to hot. I look over at him and could see that look. So I asked him if he was upset that the stove would not come back on. He said that he was tired of things not working. I started to say that's was happens when you own a home, but I stopped and said I understand that you are frustrated that the stove is not working. I could not leave it alone, I asked again how he was feeling, then I asked him if we could not do this again. Big mistake, he got up and headed for the bedroom. I tried to talk to him and I have to admit I was not happy and a bit fed up with the roller coaster, so he told me to leave. I asked him if that is what he wants and he said that he did not care. I don't understand why there are so many ups and downs. I do know that I need to control my feelings and fears that he will not come home. This feels like hostage taking when someone will not talk to you about what is going on. I made the mistake believing that things have gotten better, but I was fooling myself. Sorry this is as long as one of my college essays. I don't expect anyone to solve my problems or make it better, I am just tired of being alone with this issue. Most people would not understand what it is like living with someone that had BPD.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[takingandsending]

Hi bunny and 

I am sorry to hear that you are cycling through the ups and downs of living with a person with BPD. It is very challenging and frustrating, and sometimes, we just long for the stability and security of a low conflict relationship. It certainly sounds like you have been trying your best not to rock the boat this week.

But, it can be possible to lessen the conflict in your RS with your husband. The Lessons on the right are a great place to start. Once you gain some basic understanding of the disorder and, maybe especially, your role in the relationship, it's possible to start making some changes.

Is your husband actively seeking help? Whether or not he is, I hope that you can take some time to do some positive self-care for yourself. At any rate, you have come to a safe place to express your feelings and learn different ways of approaching your dynamics within your relationship. I hope that you continue to post, and get the support and kindness that you deserve in even being willing to work through these challenges.