BPD's Resistance to non-BPD's Feelings

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi Everyone, I am struggling a bit today.  Feeling very frustrated at my uBPD mom's resistance or refusal to acknowledge my feelings.  And they are feelings that don't even relate to her!  For instance, I mistakenly sought out some emotional support from my uBPD mom because I had a really rough day yesterday.  Both my husband and I were really under the weather (not with each other just some stress in our life).  I felt like I had no one to turn to and I called my mother.  She responded with "what's wrong now" (mind you I haven't called her for emotional support for a LONG time), avoidance, and denial.  I know that I should practice radical acceptance and I should not have reached out in the first place.  I just cannot understand why my mom refuses to acknowledge it when there is something difficult in my life.  It is like I am undeserving of feeling any pain (emotional or physical) in her eyes.  I just can't fathom it.  It feels so cold.  Can the BPD sense when you are on to them and then basically switch off even the little emotion they have for you?  Is it just too unbearable for them to acknowledge pain, worry or stress in anyone else's life?  I know they lack empathy... .Is that what this is all about.  But this feels more like defiance and utter refusal rather than just lack of empathy.  Maybe I am splitting hairs.  I have been so good lately about my expectations and then I fell backwards yesterday because I literally felt like I had no one else to turn to. I feel like I am dead to my mom.  She just doesn't care and that hurts so much.  Sigh.

[Change2014]

Hi Everyone, I am struggling a bit today.  Feeling very frustrated at my uBPD mom's resistance or refusal to acknowledge my feelings.  And they are feelings that don't even relate to her!  For instance, I mistakenly sought out some emotional support from my uBPD mom because I had a really rough day yesterday.  Both my husband and I were really under the weather (not with each other just some stress in our life).  I felt like I had no one to turn to and I called my mother.  She responded with "what's wrong now" (mind you I haven't called her for emotional support for a LONG time), avoidance, and denial.  I know that I should practice radical acceptance and I should not have reached out in the first place.  I just cannot understand why my mom refuses to acknowledge it when there is something difficult in my life.  It is like I am undeserving of feeling any pain (emotional or physical) in her eyes.  I just can't fathom it.  It feels so cold.  Can the BPD sense when you are on to them and then basically switch off even the little emotion they have for you?  Is it just too unbearable for them to acknowledge pain, worry or stress in anyone else's life?  I know they lack empathy... .Is that what this is all about.  But this feels more like defiance and utter refusal rather than just lack of empathy.  Maybe I am splitting hairs.  I have been so good lately about my expectations and then I fell backwards yesterday because I literally felt like I had no one else to turn to. I feel like I am dead to my mom.  She just doesn't care and that hurts so much.  Sigh.

[Harri]

Hi Change.  I know the pain of reaching out only to be met with cold harshness.  Knowing what we should do does not make it hurt any less does it?   Thinking of the should haves doesn't make it any easier when we do forget.  We are going to forget sometimes though.  I think forgetting every once in a while is a good thing for me.  In a weird way it lets me know that my life experiences have not completely hardened me.   Another thing is that it will be a while before you forget again, and each successive time will probably be further and further apart.  (sorry, I know I sound like a pollyanna and that is because I basically am one.  I think it is a coping strategy of mine and it can either be a blessing or annoying as hell.)

Your mothers reaction to you is cold.  I am not sure that they can turn the emotions on and off.   It seems to me more like a crap shoot depending on what is going on for them at the moment... .whatever script is running at the time.  Regardless, it is incredibly selfish and so very unmotherly (is that a word?).  I was pretty upset last night and caught myself wishing my mother was around to give me a hug.  What can I say?  When she was good, she was good and gave great hugs.  It has been years since I have been hugged or touched by someone who cares and I still ache for it.  LOL at myself because I am paying for it today with flashbacks. 

So I guess we both took a step backwards huh?  I am sorry you are hurting.  I wish I could fix it for you but all I can do is say I can relate to forgetting lessons learned and to the hurt.

[Change2014]

Thank you for your response Harri.  Yes, you are spot on... .knowing what we should do does not eliminate the hurt.  You make a good point that forgetting is inevitable and maybe I just have to accept that as part of the process.  And moments of a lot pressure/stress really test me.  Because at the end of the day, who do people call when they need help... .a lot of people call family... .and my family is really splintered.  Ironically, I talked to my dad yesterday who does exhibit some narcissistic attributes and he told me I should have called him.  He actually drove over to be with me and keep me company for a bit.  Even though he has his issues, the fact that he could be present in the moment and simply spent some time with me meant a lot.  It is the little things that mean the most.  So that helped ease the pain with my mom, knowing that my dad cared enough to do that. 

I am sorry you had a rough night.  I understand that wish to have a hug from your mother. And I understand that wish to have touch.  I went through a very lonely period in my life and I struggled with that need for human connection.  Thank you for making me feel less alone.