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Author Topic: 4 months of painting me black, ST, NC Now she wants to work together from far  (Read 696 times)
guy4caligirl
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 692


« on: November 06, 2014, 07:07:45 AM »

Please help after reading my post I am confused and limited to business contact only .

I had never gone through this mad love and hate at the same time .here is how my story goes :


After 5 years RS with my ex Gf BPD she has been gone to another state living with two nice gay friends of her , she did the silent treatment I did what everyone did anger bargaining  and so on . She needs money so she ask me if she can get her job back as a buyer like we always did when together btw she is good choice so I agreed something is better than nothing  at it and can really help she set boundaries and said as long as I don't mention anything personal I had no choice but to accept and go on with it she is thrilled with idea and deposited a small amount in her bank account she texted me back and said the sweetest words since she broke up with me : "I thank god for you "

As  she lives in another state so our business would be text fax emails phone calls .and in one month we have a buying show to attend together I have no idea how am I to manage my presence around her not because I am scared but I can't read her thoughts you all know that .

Today she is creating a new email just for the business and said it's a fresh new beginning no residual negative personal energy that was formally related with her personal email .and she will email me from this new email as soon as she sets it up and we'll forget this one ever existed

If I mention relationship I might loose her for ever but am not , so that is a good way to keep her coming for more she

missed the shop and the buying , I think its going to help her regain some confidence in me and hopefully I will be in the white

Could that be her way to get close to me again using the business friendship so she can establish a start point  baby steps ?

Please help me I really don't want build up hope for nothing I could have easily said no to the job offer but she needs the money and she feels better working for it and she is very exited about it like a child with a new toy , but I am doing this to get her to put back in the white selfish I know but what else I can do ?

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Louise7777
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Posts: 515



« Reply #1 on: November 06, 2014, 07:34:57 AM »

Hi guy4caligirl!

What stands out for me in your posting is the "I think its going to help her regain some confidence in me and hopefully I will be in the white ".

Why you care if you are white, black or in between? Im asking you this cause when I stop fighting with myself to be what my uBPDs wanted, I felt so much relief and peace. My self-steem doesnt depend on how they see me (or anyone else, for that matter).

Why do we have this need to be the nice guys? Is it our ego? Is it our need from outside approval? Others things?

"she set boundaries and said as long as I don't mention anything personal I had no choice but to accept and go on "

Regarding this, I dont know your story, but from what you said it seems to me SHE set boundaries. So, she got what she wanted and on her terms, on top of it. Also, it stands out for me the "I had no choice". Yes, we always have choices and by thinking that way you put yourself in a very fragile position.

I suggest YOU set boundaries. Yeah, I know, easier said than done. I struggle with mine too. Wish you luck. 

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guy4caligirl
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 692


« Reply #2 on: November 06, 2014, 08:14:33 AM »

Hi guy4caligirl!

What stands out for me in your posting is the "I think its going to help her regain some confidence in me and hopefully I will be in the white ".

Why you care if you are white, black or in between? Im asking you this cause when I stop fighting with myself to be what my uBPDs wanted, I felt so much relief and peace. My self-steem doesnt depend on how they see me (or anyone else, for that matter).

Why do we have this need to be the nice guys? Is it our ego? Is it our need from outside approval? Others things?

Thank you for responding

Yes we talk everyday now texts emails phone calls , she is very excited about this journey she had thank more than enough that I advance her little money and she mentioned how happy she was to catch up with her tiny bills !

I think I am getting to be painted white , but if she doesn't response for a text only after 4 to 5 hours I become antsy and start wondering why she doesn't communicate like from 5 pm till 10 pm but I know better now not to get triggered as I leaned a lot on here how to manage my self and don't bring out the worth in her am sure I can in just a word  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)  no jading any more SET is the best , validating her is a must ,with reason , if she says I got to go now my response is "as you wish "

The big question is I know she needs to work but she has never had a job but with her father and me .

She is good at fashion and that's what my business is about , Lets\'s say fashion is her passion.

Now is she using me for income but I know she got jealous a few days ago when she called me before the business deal so she can talk about it for the first time in this split I said "I don't have time I have company " she said OH the new girlfriend ? She told me latter on she was bothered by that but I did not elaborate on that subject .

So the main question is I posted this on the leaving board cause I did not get any response on the other staying boards she is not here staying anyways ! . and who knows what she's thinking she still says no other talk but business and she wants to delete her long time g mail add because of all the negativity it has for both of us and start fresh .

Yes I am confused but that's how they act I am really focusing on myself now I have been focusing about her disease for a while now I am in search for this co dependency deal , I have some of the symptoms but not all of them .

Loosing my Dad in my early teens  is that  caused it ,I learned about  codependency  a little more but there are lots of help on that issue I am learning to be part of the solution not part of the problem , I allowed her to get the worth in me  to trigger... .Now no way I would fall for that , after learning what I have learned no more jading what so ever I am committed to that



"she set boundaries and said as long as I don't mention anything personal I had no choice but to accept and go on "

Regarding this, I dont know your story, but from what you said it seems to me SHE set boundaries. So, she got what she wanted and on her terms, on top of it. Also, it stands out for me the "I had no choice". Yes, we always have choices and by thinking that way you put yourself in a very fragile position.

I suggest YOU set boundaries. Yeah, I know, easier said than done. I struggle with mine too. Wish you luck. 

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guy4caligirl
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 692


« Reply #3 on: November 06, 2014, 08:16:54 AM »

Hi guy4caligirl!

What stands out for me in your posting is the "I think its going to help her regain some confidence in me and hopefully I will be in the white ".

Why you care if you are white, black or in between? Im asking you this cause when I stop fighting with myself to be what my uBPDs wanted, I felt so much relief and peace. My self-steem doesnt depend on how they see me (or anyone else, for that matter).

Why do we have this need to be the nice guys? Is it our ego? Is it our need from outside approval? Others things?

Thank you for responding

Yes we talk everyday now texts emails phone calls , she is very excited about this journey she had thank more than enough that I advance her little money and she mentioned how happy she was to catch up with her tiny bills !

I think I am getting to be painted white , but if she doesn't response for a text only after 4 to 5 hours I become antsy and start wondering why she doesn't communicate like from 5 pm till 10 pm but I know better now not to get triggered as I leaned a lot on here how to manage my self and don't bring out the worth in her am sure I can in just a word  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)  no jading any more SET is the best , validating her is a must ,with reason , if she says I got to go now my response is "as you wish "

The big question is I know she needs to work but she has never had a job but with her father and me .

She is good at fashion and that's what my business is about , Lets\'s say fashion is her passion.

Now is she using me for income but I know she got jealous a few days ago when she called me before the business deal so she can talk about it for the first time in this split I said "I don't have time I have company " she said OH the new girlfriend ? She told me latter on she was bothered by that but I did not elaborate on that subject .

So the main question is I posted this on the leaving board cause I did not get any response on the other staying boards she is not here staying anyways ! . and who knows what she's thinking she still says no other talk but business and she wants to delete her long time g mail add because of all the negativity it has for both of us and start fresh .

Yes I am confused but that's how they act I am really focusing on myself now I have been focusing about her disease for a while now I am in search for this co dependency deal , I have some of the symptoms but not all of them .

Loosing my Dad in my early teens  is that  caused it ,I learned about  codependency  a little more but there are lots of help on that issue I am learning to be part of the solution not part of the problem , I allowed her to get the worth in me  to trigger... .Now no way I would fall for that , after learning what I have learned no more jading what so ever I am committed to that



"she set boundaries and said as long as I don't mention anything personal I had no choice but to accept and go on "

Regarding this, I dont know your story, but from what you said it seems to me SHE set boundaries. So, she got what she wanted and on her terms, on top of it. Also, it stands out for me the "I had no choice". Yes, we always have choices and by thinking that way you put yourself in a very fragile position.

I suggest YOU set boundaries. Yeah, I know, easier said than done. I struggle with mine too. Wish you luck. 


I's that weird love we have for a BPD what can I do suffer or settle and agnoledge ?
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Louise7777
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 515



« Reply #4 on: November 06, 2014, 08:28:08 AM »

Guy4caligirl, I dont know if thats even love. I was never in a r/s with an uBPD (as far as I know), but have dated briefly an uNPD and had a long-term r/s with an uPAPD (passive-aggressive).

When I say Im not sure its love, I mean its an addiction. Right beforen I broke up with the uNPD I realized I wasnt getting anything from him, all was in his terms and I was fighting a mountain cause my ego said so. I couldnt let go, it was some sort of personal issue to me, I had to get things my way. So it was a struggle. I had never loved him and I noticed right away that he was mirroing me to get me hooked. I saw him as phony and ran to the hills, there ws nothing there for me. In my case, it was not love at all. It was my low self-steem getting a bone from time to time... .

You always have a choice. I think you should focus on what YOU want from that r/s. Do you want to have a r/s with her? Did you acept her to work for you so she sees you are a great guy and then she wants you back?
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guy4caligirl
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 692


« Reply #5 on: November 06, 2014, 08:46:51 AM »

Guy4caligirl, I dont know if thats even love. I was never in a r/s with an uBPD (as far as I know), but have dated briefly an uNPD and had a long-term r/s with an uPAPD (passive-aggressive).

When I say Im not sure its love, I mean its an addiction. Right beforen I broke up with the uNPD I realized I wasnt getting anything from him, all was in his terms and I was fighting a mountain cause my ego said so. I couldnt let go, it was some sort of personal issue to me, I had to get things my way. So it was a struggle. I had never loved him and I noticed right away that he was mirroing me to get me hooked. I saw him as phony and ran to the hills, there ws nothing there for me. In my case, it was not love at all. It was my low self-steem getting a bone from time to time... .

You always have a choice. I think you should focus on what YOU want from that r/s. Do you want to have a r/s with her? Did you acept her to work for you so she sees you are a great guy and then she wants you back?

Yes about accepting her to work together for her to renter my life baby steps .

I do understand how painful it was when we were together but I come to realize that I always did not try for me to get better and i remained her trigger , I came to accept her condition and willing to give it a recycle and change my behavior because I need to, not only for her ,but for everyone else around me yes I am bossy she is too but I can compromise she will eventually do . And yes sometimes I wonder is love or addiction ?
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Aussie JJ
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: apart 18 months, 12 months push pull 6 months seperated properly, 4 months k own about BPD
Posts: 865


« Reply #6 on: November 06, 2014, 09:26:04 AM »

Yes about accepting her to work together for her to renter my life baby steps .

I do understand how painful it was when we were together but I come to realize that I always did not try for me to get better and i remained her trigger , I came to accept her condition and willing to give it a recycle and change my behavior because I need to, not only for her ,but for everyone else around me yes I am bossy she is too but I can compromise she will eventually do . And yes sometimes I wonder is love or addiction ?

guy4caligirl,



For me, work is one of the few things that has remained relativly unscathed by my BPD relationship.  I dont tell my ex anything at all about work now.  She has pushed and prodded and I have given the most resolute silent treatment.  I got a work car and ended up giving it back after I was hiding it around the corner and not driving it with my son as I didnt want her to know I had changed roles.  My work is sacred for me.  I have always been valued in my industry and have a reputation beyond reproach.  I will never ever let her enter into my work life.  She tried to triangulate me with my ex employer while together and that I shutdown so hard it caused her to have one of her I'm going away for a few days because you were mean to me. 

I'll put it to you this way with your thought process. 

WHAT am I feeling about this approach from her?

I am feeling like I can rescue her and help her out!

WHAT is making me feel this way?

I know she needs my help, without me she cant survive.

WHAT effect is it having on me?

I am no longer lost, I can save her.  This will be positive as I will be solving her problems. 

WHAT am I going to do about it?

I will give her the job, this wont be personal, its just a job and I can work with that.

WHAT will I use this energy for to help me?

Well, I am rescuing her, I am helping her, I can do this, I am good enough for her!

WHAT is healthy for me?

I am saving her and I wont tollerate the abuse this time.  Yea this is good, I feel worth because I am solving her problems.

Why are you feeling positive about this?  How far from the truth am I?

Sure you can control yourself, CAN SHE?  Will she triangulate you and your coworkers and cause headaches in the workplace.  She will black list you at some point and tell all your collegues your abusive.  What if she starts telling this to clients of yours.  This is quite possibly an open invitation for her to just walk back in and start it all up again. 

Lets try this one as opposed to what is above... .

WHAT am I feeling at the moment because of this specific event?

I am feeling like I can rescue her and help her out and it will work this time.

WHEN have I felt this way before?

Every time she has come back to me.

WHAT happened when I followed through on this feeling previously?

I let her back into my life.

WHAT happened?

She hurt me, destroyed a part of my self esteem and then left like it was nothing.

WHAT will I do this time considering the past behaviours?

I will stop, consider how I could be hurt, make a healthy choice for me.

WHAT is healthy for me?

I will politly rebuf her offer, I will retain my dignity and self respect.

You cant save her mate.  I couldnt save mine.  You can save yourself, you can keep your dignity when dealign with her.  This is YOUR choice, sit back for a bit, consider it, previous behaviour patterns and then make a decision based on her PREVIOUS ACTIONS.  You cant save her, you can only enable that same pattern of behaviour if you follow your gut instinct here again and try to be the hero. 

This is your choice, own it.  Make it on what is best for you not for her.  Sorry to be so blunt.  I couldnt swallow this pill at first, took me so long.  Please dont endanger your profesional reputation. 


AJJ. 
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guy4caligirl
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 692


« Reply #7 on: November 06, 2014, 01:50:32 PM »

Yes about accepting her to work together for her to renter my life baby steps .

I do understand how painful it was when we were together but I come to realize that I always did not try for me to get better and i remained her trigger , I came to accept her condition and willing to give it a recycle and change my behavior because I need to, not only for her ,but for everyone else around me yes I am bossy she is too but I can compromise she will eventually do . And yes sometimes I wonder is love or addiction ?

guy4caligirl,



For me, work is one of the few things that has remained relativly unscathed by my BPD relationship.  I dont tell my ex anything at all about work now.  She has pushed and prodded and I have given the most resolute silent treatment.  I got a work car and ended up giving it back after I was hiding it around the corner and not driving it with my son as I didnt want her to know I had changed roles.  My work is sacred for me.  I have always been valued in my industry and have a reputation beyond reproach.  I will never ever let her enter into my work life.  She tried to triangulate me with my ex employer while together and that I shutdown so hard it caused her to have one of her I'm going away for a few days because you were mean to me. 

I'll put it to you this way with your thought process. 

WHAT am I feeling about this approach from her?

I am feeling like I can rescue her and help her out!

WHAT is making me feel this way?

I know she needs my help, without me she cant survive.

WHAT effect is it having on me?

I am no longer lost, I can save her.  This will be positive as I will be solving her problems. 

WHAT am I going to do about it?

I will give her the job, this wont be personal, its just a job and I can work with that.

WHAT will I use this energy for to help me?

Well, I am rescuing her, I am helping her, I can do this, I am good enough for her!

WHAT is healthy for me?

I am saving her and I wont tollerate the abuse this time.  Yea this is good, I feel worth because I am solving her problems.

Why are you feeling positive about this?  How far from the truth am I?

Sure you can control yourself, CAN SHE?  Will she triangulate you and your coworkers and cause headaches in the workplace.  She will black list you at some point and tell all your collegues your abusive.  What if she starts telling this to clients of yours.  This is quite possibly an open invitation for her to just walk back in and start it all up again. 

Lets try this one as opposed to what is above... .

WHAT am I feeling at the moment because of this specific event?

I am feeling like I can rescue her and help her out and it will work this time.

WHEN have I felt this way before?

Every time she has come back to me.

WHAT happened when I followed through on this feeling previously?

I let her back into my life.

WHAT happened?

She hurt me, destroyed a part of my self esteem and then left like it was nothing.

WHAT will I do this time considering the past behaviours?

I will stop, consider how I could be hurt, make a healthy choice for me.

WHAT is healthy for me?

I will politly rebuf her offer, I will retain my dignity and self respect.

You cant save her mate.  I couldnt save mine.  You can save yourself, you can keep your dignity when dealign with her.  This is YOUR choice, sit back for a bit, consider it, previous behaviour patterns and then make a decision based on her PREVIOUS ACTIONS.  You cant save her, you can only enable that same pattern of behaviour if you follow your gut instinct here again and try to be the hero. 

This is your choice, own it.  Make it on what is best for you not for her.  Sorry to be so blunt.  I couldnt swallow this pill at first, took me so long.  Please dont endanger your profesional reputation. 


AJJ. 

Thank you Aussie , you just described what happened to the t when she worked along with me in my business , the exact same things turning employees against me even daring to engage my customers too , and yes , she was suppose to get back with me this morning after I advanced her some little money and a small task to do from a distance I haven't heard from her today it's 3 pm and haven't heard nothing she was to get back with me in the morning , I am really really really tired of her sh$t
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