Left him but not sure about it

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Left dBPDbf this Monday because I couldn't take it anymore.

He is in such a bad shape these last months. He cheated on me 2 months ago, told me honestly, and we started dating again. But that was focused on him making up for what he did. It didn't take away the fact that I wanted to discuss things earlier already, because things weren't good enough for me anymore. He paniced and cheated. But the underlying issue was never addressed later on.

He is so depressed. He got ADHD medicin and it made him 'flat'. He lost his happy face, his energy. I miss that. I really, really miss that. If he would go of medication I would take him back, I think. But him being BPD AND flat = depression all over the place and I can't take that. If he's despressed, he won't let me near, and I can't take that.

I wonder what happens, now. If he will breakthrough in therapy, or not. I hope he does, for him. I miss him. I miss the guy he was in the first 9 months, not the one on ADHD medicin.

I feel guilty for having done this, I feel like I've abandoned him while I was someone that had faith in his ability to change. He was in therapy for 2 years and had to quit because 2 therapists told him he was stuck on an emotional and physical level. He was devastated by that, but I want to know what happens to him now. If he gets better, I want to be there, because I love that guy. But I couldn't take the sadness, depression and avoidance of me anymore. I feel like I've let him down.  It's so unfair for him to have to live this way.

[ziniztar]

Left dBPDbf this Monday because I couldn't take it anymore.

He is in such a bad shape these last months. He cheated on me 2 months ago, told me honestly, and we started dating again. But that was focused on him making up for what he did. It didn't take away the fact that I wanted to discuss things earlier already, because things weren't good enough for me anymore. He paniced and cheated. But the underlying issue was never addressed later on.

He is so depressed. He got ADHD medicin and it made him 'flat'. He lost his happy face, his energy. I miss that. I really, really miss that. If he would go of medication I would take him back, I think. But him being BPD AND flat = depression all over the place and I can't take that. If he's despressed, he won't let me near, and I can't take that.

I wonder what happens, now. If he will breakthrough in therapy, or not. I hope he does, for him. I miss him. I miss the guy he was in the first 9 months, not the one on ADHD medicin.

I feel guilty for having done this, I feel like I've abandoned him while I was someone that had faith in his ability to change. He was in therapy for 2 years and had to quit because 2 therapists told him he was stuck on an emotional and physical level. He was devastated by that, but I want to know what happens to him now. If he gets better, I want to be there, because I love that guy. But I couldn't take the sadness, depression and avoidance of me anymore. I feel like I've let him down.  It's so unfair for him to have to live this way.

[itgirl]

hang in there.  I too will be soon leaving the staying board as my partner is moving out this weekend. 

Are you in contact with him at all?

[itgirl]

Isn't ADHD meds supposed to raise serotonin levels?  There are so many different brands.  Cant he try and switch?

[ziniztar]

Isn't ADHD meds supposed to raise serotonin levels?  There are so many different brands.  Cant he try and switch?

He already did, this is his third version. I asked him if he wanted to keep taking the meds and he said yes, "it is soo much more quiet in my head". It sucks for him he has to choose between two versions of himself that he both doesn't like because the are impaired. The one on ADHD meds is more depressed, but can function. The one without is EXTREMELY high and EXTREMELY low.

hang in there.  I too will be soon leaving the staying board as my partner is moving out this weekend.  

Are you in contact with him at all?

I tried to be, I texted him a few times with whatever I was feeling. He doesn't respond. I'm not sure if it is a silent treatment or just not knowing anymore what to say. I don't think he's able to process everything, on the day I broke up he was already in a state of "I just have to get through this day". And then I topped that.

I'm dating someone on Monday and he seems nice, stable, calm, funny. Everything I ever wanted. On some level I feel relieved this all happened and that I finally made the choice. On the other level I feel responsible for him, I feel guilty, and I feel like he has put in so much effort into us, I should offer him another chance. Then again, he did cheat, he did quit therapy. Two of my biggest boundaries.

I just care for him and hope he is able to get happy at some point in his life.

Why is your partner moving out? Did you ask him to?

[123Phoebe]

I'm dating someone on Monday and he seems nice, stable, calm, funny. Everything I ever wanted.

Really?  How long have you known this fella? 

[ziniztar]

Really?  How long have you known this fella? 

OK you're right, that "everything I ever wanted" was over the top. I meant to say: he's doing everything I ever wanted dBPDxbf to do. Respond in normal, calm texts. Being able to maturely respond to situations.

I know I have to take this slowly and be sure whatever I'm falling for. Right now it's like it's always been: I see potential in a lot of guys. But I notice there is a little difference compared to before this r/s: I'm nog yearning for someone to give me a safe feeling. It's inside me already, I just want to find someone that I can have a nice r/s with. That is funny, stable, does not show any red flags in the first encounters. I think I know how to spot them... .let's see what happens.

In the mean time I've been blocked by dBPDxbf on all possible media. There is no way to contact him now except for e-mail or stopping by. I guess that's good for now, it does hurt a lot though. The other day he left me a drunk voicemail saying nobody (including his therapist) understands what I did, but that he does. That he is a burden to me, to my development, and that he wants me to be really happy. And that I should get and stay away from him, not text him anymore because it would be better for me. And he would live his rotten life without me.

After that VM and my response to it, he deleted my number and blocked me everywhere.

In some way I feel relieved and happy that I'm done with him. In many other ways I also feel guilty, I want to make sure he is doing okay, etc. And sad about how this all turned out, the outlook was so promising when we started (incl his therapy). I really wished for the both of us this would have gpne right.

[Grey Kitty]

Really?  How long have you known this fella? 

OK you're right, that "everything I ever wanted" was over the top. I meant to say: he's doing everything I ever wanted dBPDxbf to do.

Zin, that is WONDERFUL! I haven't laughed as hard as I did when I read this in weeks!

I do hope this r/s continues nicely and slowly for you!

[ziniztar]

Oh well... .I noticed it was too soon and canceled on the date.

I probably just needed the affirmation that someone wanted to date me, not the actual experience.

He looked quite serious about all this, which freaked me out.

I notice that me being on the leaving board doesn't really quite resonate with what I'm thinking, right now.

I think I'm a combination of undecided and building new/healthy relationships. I know I have to continue my life in order to detach from dBPDxbf right now, there is no use in letting us get back together in the short run.

But I do wanna know how his life is unfolding in the upcoming weeks, as I said earlier to other friends before. I just realize I didn't want to stand next to him and witness it all. Feel responsible for it. I feel like he needs to get on his feet and work through stuff by himself and me hovering over him is not helping that process.

I don't HOPE we'll be together in the future because I know that life will unfold in it's own way. I might meet someone new and move on. If he immediately replaces me it means he refuses to work on progress, which means it was a good decision for me to leave. All I know for now is that it might be temporarily... because I do HOPE he will use this experience. For his own future, and then maybe mine.

We'll see, what happens. I do feel a little in limbo now.

[Grey Kitty]

I feel for you in limbo. 

I've not talked to my wife in over a two weeks now.

Last night I noticed a couple things I said or wrote that... .that illustrated I was finding a place where I trusted I would be ok whether we were able to reconcile or not. I do still care about her even though I'm not feeling it today. I certainly wish her well.

I am getting out of the place where I need to have her and will let her treat me badly because of it. This place where I won't accept it anymore feels better.

Not caring whether she chooses to change to make our marriage work... .or I move on from her... .It is a new place for me. I think I like it!

[peiper]

You can always go back if he does what he needs to do zinz

[ziniztar]

This place where I won't accept it anymore feels better.

Yes, because you're making yourself important. Doesn't it feel good?

You can always go back if he does what he needs to do zinz

Yes, you're right.

The other day I sent him a voice message, just checking in how he was doing. He saw it in the morning and didn't listen to it. Did listen to it in the evening, though. No response. I know how he is in these days - very confused. the fact he's not responding to this stuff means something, too. He can send a message 'leave me alone', but he wouldn't. He could delete it, choose to ignore it and never listen to it. He could block me, but he doesn't. He apparently didn't block me after all, that was my own panic thinking.

It's okay. I don't have to expect anything from him anymore - we're not together - and it feels good. It's okay he doesn't respond.

I've had a few days where I felt I had to date someone new immediately because I wanted to prevent a relapse on my side. Caving in again while knowing he hadn't improved anything I really required. I think I don't even want it anymore. I'd like to stay in contact and would be terribly hurt if he would replace me. That would be a sign for me that whatever the hell he is trying to change really isn't working, and that there would also be my answer that it was a good choice to leave, as he's not capable of the change I need for this to be a r/s.

I hope we'll be able to slowly build contact. I hope he'll process some of this stuff on his own. I hope we'll be able to build a friendship and see whatever the hell is left and has changed since then. I know I'll be able to notice the change in him, immediately.

All I can do now is let time pass by.

We'll see what happens.

It's good to feel so sure about my own standards of what is required for this to be a r/s.

It's up to him to decide if he wants to do the work to get there, or not.

This is the first time he's with a girl that does not block all contact with him. I think my decision is that this can't be a r/s for now, but that I don't want him out of my life forgood. It's just not the right time.

He kept saying that by the way. "If only we could separate for a year and I could get stuff in order and then get back together again." Well why the hell can't we? If we're that hung up on each other, if we're both improving in healthy ways, why not?  He even mentioned to me earlier ‘you’re not going to leave me, you keep changing your mind’. It was like he was testing the limit in this, too. Well, here it is. He knows I can do it. Now it’s his turn to process the gray, mixed message I am sending: I am leaving you, but please stay in my life.

We'll see .

[Grey Kitty]

Zin, I've got nothing much to add on your situation. You see it, you understand it, and you are choosing to do things that are right for you. 

This place where I won't accept it anymore feels better.

Yes, because you're making yourself important. Doesn't it feel good?

YES!

It is more that it FEELS. Or I'm FEELING.

It is a huge change for me. That feels uncomfortable.

It is a huge relief to have somebody (myself!) care about me! That feels amazing. Way too many tears for something as simple as "good"

I know it is how I want to live. I'm fretting that I'll stumble and fall back into my old patterns.

 GK