BPD Fiance left (its long sorry :( )

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Ok so here it goes... .

Met my GF/Fiancé through a friend, in short she was abused and abandoned as a child multiple foster care visits. But like so much of what I've read online we had an amazing first 3 months, I could do no wrong granted their were some warning signs that had things not been so great, my own fears about relationships probably would have gotten me to run (things like random anger, or the love and affection we shared privately wasn't present in public settings [now I still got my hand held and kissed in public] like around mutual friends/family she'd increase hostility towards me which was quiet new for me to experience.

Anyway 3 months in... I made the mistake of blowing up over issues I'd been suppressing and it came out (I was wrong to blow up one her make no mistake it was a long nasty text which she still doesn't let go ) because honestly I thought these minor issues once confronted we would be really even more smooth sailing. Stuff like spending time, mutual driving and schedule appreciation, and again the anger when we were in public settings, I did it very poorly worded but still the message was positive changes... .

This then lead to a shutdown, saying I only wanted sex (I went the next two months without it), on and off canceling, complete stopping of Skype video chat which was a stable of our relationship when we weren't together... .So after two months slogging through it one of her brothers said she's mad you haven't proposed, I said what? She hates me? why would I do that? She's mad you said once you'd like to wait 2-3 years to do it... .So after a few days I decided to order a ring and propose... Perfect again for a month (now with anger issues present more and more, but still MUCH better)

But then of course within a month we had a big argument which lead to me not seeing her at ALLL for a few months I asked everyday (she always communicated with me first regardless of all this), but each day she'd say "I don't know, we'll see, I'm busy" stuff that was truly foreign to how I'd ever been treated... Her family is very spiritual so thought this time they'd beaten into my head about her loyalty and all that so I'm still thinking she's a good girl I just need to make it through this... .

So I go an entire month without one face to face (I'm of the opinion that you shouldn't drive up and show up) constantly canceling which I'd always get my hops up to see her... BRUTAL... .Somehow I was invited down while she was taking a college level history class which she has trouble with I'm an A student its rather easy for me Her developmental years were screwed along with living in a less than affluent area, has its toll on her education to say the least. But anyway I saw her and slowly worked it back out with signs of fixing it... I can't quiet recall how this happened but I ended up buying her, her dream car on a whim (I'm very wealthy she isn't) and again using it as kinda a backdrop to the ring as an "engagement/marriage gift" which was instant perfection, I mean it was like the rest never happened... .Back talking kids, family, wedding dresses,etc.

Well within a day or two someone messages me they found her dating profile on a site and her picture was of a neckless I gave her... She refused to let me log in to see the messages, I said just show me its old (which it wasn't), and there aren't any recent messages and we're good! Long story short I forgave her out of sympathy figuring our tough times and all that helped contribute to that desire... .Even though I knew there was more to it... .Things are perfect after that she's more attentive then ever things are going great...

Boom little argument she bashes the car which offends me as I'm typically a selfish person, so to give that kind of gift to another is unprecedented. So this lead to me saying well if you don't want it I'll take it and the ring back, she said fine started emptying her stuff out and I came to my senses and just said wait lets hold up, she said nope you didn't think I'd call your bluff... .So long story short I left the car and ring at her apartment, well anyway for the next week she refused to drive it said "it was going to sit awhile" as she was going to drive her old 5+ year old beater which again got to me even more, refused to sign insurance forms for me, refused to go pick up the new tags and spend the day in the city getting lunch... .She told me why don't you go get them. Umm and again back to canceling and all that this all on-top of everything else along with the dating site... .Well I lost it after a week of trying strategies of patience online and still being met with extreme hostility. I blew up but she blew up 10 times harder, Kill me if I was in front of her, personal attacks like I'd never heard ever. We both went to sleep and the next morning I said I felt like I deserved an apology she said "I'll do it when I feel like it", I said if you can't do that today in person (blowing me off), then we need to break up and I'll come pick everything up like you wanted last night... .Last chance I'm walking out the door. She said everything will be in the car ready to go.

So we break up and I go NC two days very hard, she contacts me very happy we have a great time hating the weekend then Monday, its back to blowing me off, being nasty, the worst ignoring of our relationship (I guess now that it became unofficial)... Then by the end of that week I lost it again when she canceled on me because I just always get my hopes up because we are soon much better in person and the blowing it off kills any chance of that... .She refused to come by saying "I don't know if I'm coming... .I said maybe I'd come" I said "F* your maybe" and went on a profanity laced tirade with B*, liar a lot, basically she said I'm done sell the car (Up to this point I'd kept it hoping she'd take it back and enjoy it), don't contact me again...

I apologized didn't hear from her for a week. As I was blocked on all social media which actually helped... Well she unblocked me this past week, and still hasn't contacted me... Just posting pictures with lots of guys commenting and those motivational memes about "its so hard not to talk to someone you did everyday", and "relationships end and it feels like your worlds ending but happiness is coming", "I need a loving, caring, dependable BF to ring in the new year with" and just tons of attention seeking pictures (this was another problem in our relationship during non fights and happy times her attention seeking rarely came out during turmoil they were BIG she was constantly seeking attention... And sadly their are lots of predators as she seems to have a unique ability to attract 30,40,50 year olds)... .Basically making it seem like I broke up with her...

I guess I'm blaming myself a lot, I know I shouldn't and no amount of real effort, attention, loyalty will make it better as it would never get through to her. But I do worry about her safety and mental state (tired to kill herself before I was around)...

I guess from people who have experienced this, this being our first real NO CONTACT phase, is there a chance she would come back around, or am I just done (not that any of you can adequately diagnose on second hand info ), worth nothing all those talks of family, marriage having my family meet hers (first girl I ever did that for)...

Her brother said she checks my social media a lot and "still had a thing for me", and give it more time, But that was last week we spoke once kind of on what had happened she mostly went on the attack saying it was all my fault and she's not going to forgive me for a long time she's not going to be treated so horribly, and I stayed calm and she never responded to my last message...

We've really spoken once for a few minutes in the last two weeks with no indication she'd ever talk again, just the random unblocking on one social media site, and what her brother has said not that he really knows lmao, because as I seem to read I can be great one minute dead beat the next... .

So I mean am I just done? Should I sell her car, her ring, and just act like none of that was real... .I'd text her or at least try to talk if it weren't' going to set the even worse precedent that you can do all that all that i forgave and work through AND leave me and I'll still come back.

I know its toxic, I just know if she made a good case I'd listen... I'm exercising I'm down 30lbs in 3.5 weeks, signed up for new masters classes. I guess I just want some help if she's really gone and thats it... All that time and effort was for nothing for her to leave because I got mad I couldn't see her , and I'll never hear from her again, or is it that in your guys experience they typically try to make contact and what should I do?

Thanks for reading I know it was long

[DangIthurts]

Ok so here it goes... .

Met my GF/Fiancé through a friend, in short she was abused and abandoned as a child multiple foster care visits. But like so much of what I've read online we had an amazing first 3 months, I could do no wrong granted their were some warning signs that had things not been so great, my own fears about relationships probably would have gotten me to run (things like random anger, or the love and affection we shared privately wasn't present in public settings [now I still got my hand held and kissed in public] like around mutual friends/family she'd increase hostility towards me which was quiet new for me to experience.

Anyway 3 months in... I made the mistake of blowing up over issues I'd been suppressing and it came out (I was wrong to blow up one her make no mistake it was a long nasty text which she still doesn't let go ) because honestly I thought these minor issues once confronted we would be really even more smooth sailing. Stuff like spending time, mutual driving and schedule appreciation, and again the anger when we were in public settings, I did it very poorly worded but still the message was positive changes... .

This then lead to a shutdown, saying I only wanted sex (I went the next two months without it), on and off canceling, complete stopping of Skype video chat which was a stable of our relationship when we weren't together... .So after two months slogging through it one of her brothers said she's mad you haven't proposed, I said what? She hates me? why would I do that? She's mad you said once you'd like to wait 2-3 years to do it... .So after a few days I decided to order a ring and propose... Perfect again for a month (now with anger issues present more and more, but still MUCH better)

But then of course within a month we had a big argument which lead to me not seeing her at ALLL for a few months I asked everyday (she always communicated with me first regardless of all this), but each day she'd say "I don't know, we'll see, I'm busy" stuff that was truly foreign to how I'd ever been treated... Her family is very spiritual so thought this time they'd beaten into my head about her loyalty and all that so I'm still thinking she's a good girl I just need to make it through this... .

So I go an entire month without one face to face (I'm of the opinion that you shouldn't drive up and show up) constantly canceling which I'd always get my hops up to see her... BRUTAL... .Somehow I was invited down while she was taking a college level history class which she has trouble with I'm an A student its rather easy for me Her developmental years were screwed along with living in a less than affluent area, has its toll on her education to say the least. But anyway I saw her and slowly worked it back out with signs of fixing it... I can't quiet recall how this happened but I ended up buying her, her dream car on a whim (I'm very wealthy she isn't) and again using it as kinda a backdrop to the ring as an "engagement/marriage gift" which was instant perfection, I mean it was like the rest never happened... .Back talking kids, family, wedding dresses,etc.

Well within a day or two someone messages me they found her dating profile on a site and her picture was of a neckless I gave her... She refused to let me log in to see the messages, I said just show me its old (which it wasn't), and there aren't any recent messages and we're good! Long story short I forgave her out of sympathy figuring our tough times and all that helped contribute to that desire... .Even though I knew there was more to it... .Things are perfect after that she's more attentive then ever things are going great...

Boom little argument she bashes the car which offends me as I'm typically a selfish person, so to give that kind of gift to another is unprecedented. So this lead to me saying well if you don't want it I'll take it and the ring back, she said fine started emptying her stuff out and I came to my senses and just said wait lets hold up, she said nope you didn't think I'd call your bluff... .So long story short I left the car and ring at her apartment, well anyway for the next week she refused to drive it said "it was going to sit awhile" as she was going to drive her old 5+ year old beater which again got to me even more, refused to sign insurance forms for me, refused to go pick up the new tags and spend the day in the city getting lunch... .She told me why don't you go get them. Umm and again back to canceling and all that this all on-top of everything else along with the dating site... .Well I lost it after a week of trying strategies of patience online and still being met with extreme hostility. I blew up but she blew up 10 times harder, Kill me if I was in front of her, personal attacks like I'd never heard ever. We both went to sleep and the next morning I said I felt like I deserved an apology she said "I'll do it when I feel like it", I said if you can't do that today in person (blowing me off), then we need to break up and I'll come pick everything up like you wanted last night... .Last chance I'm walking out the door. She said everything will be in the car ready to go.

So we break up and I go NC two days very hard, she contacts me very happy we have a great time hating the weekend then Monday, its back to blowing me off, being nasty, the worst ignoring of our relationship (I guess now that it became unofficial)... Then by the end of that week I lost it again when she canceled on me because I just always get my hopes up because we are soon much better in person and the blowing it off kills any chance of that... .She refused to come by saying "I don't know if I'm coming... .I said maybe I'd come" I said "F* your maybe" and went on a profanity laced tirade with B*, liar a lot, basically she said I'm done sell the car (Up to this point I'd kept it hoping she'd take it back and enjoy it), don't contact me again...

I apologized didn't hear from her for a week. As I was blocked on all social media which actually helped... Well she unblocked me this past week, and still hasn't contacted me... Just posting pictures with lots of guys commenting and those motivational memes about "its so hard not to talk to someone you did everyday", and "relationships end and it feels like your worlds ending but happiness is coming", "I need a loving, caring, dependable BF to ring in the new year with" and just tons of attention seeking pictures (this was another problem in our relationship during non fights and happy times her attention seeking rarely came out during turmoil they were BIG she was constantly seeking attention... And sadly their are lots of predators as she seems to have a unique ability to attract 30,40,50 year olds)... .Basically making it seem like I broke up with her...

I guess I'm blaming myself a lot, I know I shouldn't and no amount of real effort, attention, loyalty will make it better as it would never get through to her. But I do worry about her safety and mental state (tired to kill herself before I was around)...

I guess from people who have experienced this, this being our first real NO CONTACT phase, is there a chance she would come back around, or am I just done (not that any of you can adequately diagnose on second hand info ), worth nothing all those talks of family, marriage having my family meet hers (first girl I ever did that for)...

Her brother said she checks my social media a lot and "still had a thing for me", and give it more time, But that was last week we spoke once kind of on what had happened she mostly went on the attack saying it was all my fault and she's not going to forgive me for a long time she's not going to be treated so horribly, and I stayed calm and she never responded to my last message...

We've really spoken once for a few minutes in the last two weeks with no indication she'd ever talk again, just the random unblocking on one social media site, and what her brother has said not that he really knows lmao, because as I seem to read I can be great one minute dead beat the next... .

So I mean am I just done? Should I sell her car, her ring, and just act like none of that was real... .I'd text her or at least try to talk if it weren't' going to set the even worse precedent that you can do all that all that i forgave and work through AND leave me and I'll still come back.

I know its toxic, I just know if she made a good case I'd listen... I'm exercising I'm down 30lbs in 3.5 weeks, signed up for new masters classes. I guess I just want some help if she's really gone and thats it... All that time and effort was for nothing for her to leave because I got mad I couldn't see her , and I'll never hear from her again, or is it that in your guys experience they typically try to make contact and what should I do?

Thanks for reading I know it was long

[DangIthurts]

oh and the not using gifts and making excuses that were cherished was a repeat sign

my first real piece of jewelry was worn everyday till the fight then I never saw it but once or twice.

Same thing with the ring on all the time even though it didn't fit (I overnighted it so she could wear it since it was custom), but after fight didn't see it again till after the dating site,when she requested it back.

Then some other newer jewelry right before our last fight she had it on even more than anything else, then deleted and not worn up until the final breakup

Clothes, the car all cherished and faced with a fight rendered unusable

[catnap]

I know its toxic, I just know if she made a good case I'd listen...

I think the following article will resonate:

How a Borderline Relationship Evolves

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

[DangIthurts]

I know its toxic, I just know if she made a good case I'd listen...

I think the following article will resonate:

How a Borderline Relationship Evolves

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

LOL I feel like I wrote that article... .Yeah I've told a few people privately you know if a relationship takes four hands to maintain, my effort and ability to provide generously are 3 of those hands and i'm still missing one.

I may clarify the cars, gifts, etc. they weren't so much (at least I don't think consciously) to "buy affection" as one might do for like a 90 year old trying to date a 20 year old. It was more hearing how she'd been mistreated or nobodies done stuff like that, that I was capable of doing BIG things which if she really is never coming back lmao then it would be an almost 6 figure setback, but the finances don't matter. I feel much more "compassion" towards her than any of that financial sting...

its really the shock I guess all the hateful and hurtful and mistrust I've endured that was SOO much worse than the things I'd said that day like driving almost 30 miles each way to see her only to be told "why are you sticking around" "your so annoying" (annoying was a favorite to tell me, even if I asked about her day or how things were going)  (not that it excuses my actions and frustration because it doesn't), but to just say buy and basically have no contact for almost a month... .Its brutal.

It really was a cycle with us, I could make it days, weeks, etc. of being patient but inevitably I'd want to communicate on issues to get back on track, which lead to "ok" "I understand' and more of the same behavior and it would just trigger frustration and when those cycles begun to rear themsevels after arguments I'd panic, figuring I'd be in for another beatdown.

Its very strange in that my headaches, panic attacks (I'd take supplements for lifting weights, and got off them for months but started having ACTUAL panic attacks before I realized I hadn't been on caffeine in months ) all gone, but I still just wanna make sure she's ok and protected. I'm sure those are my own personal demons (which I have a few which would lead to wanting to save someone)

Edit: *I guess really those were the opinions I was seeking if I'm done never contact me actually means this with someone showing signs that maybe classified as BPD, or will I inevitably find myself (through my decision given how much I've read on this), talked back into something... .I guess what I'm hoping is I hope all I did and fought for wasn't for nothing, cause thats how I feel, so if I got the "I wanna come back" text I'd at least feel like it wasn't a total failure, and the further I detach I think the better I'll be situated to make a non-emotional decision.


Thank you for the article and response though, I do appreciate it.

[catnap]

Edit: *I guess really those were the opinions I was seeking if I'm done never contact me actually means this with someone showing signs that maybe classified as BPD, or will I inevitably find myself (through my decision given how much I've read on this), talked back into something... .I guess what I'm hoping is I hope all I did and fought for wasn't for nothing, cause thats how I feel, so if I got the "I wanna come back" text I'd at least feel like it wasn't a total failure, and the further I detach I think the better I'll be situated to make a non-emotional decision.

Typically, yes, if you stay NC, she will probably try to contact you.  She may even apologize, but realize this is not sincere.  She lacks empathy. Listen carefully, you may get the "I wanna come back" communication, but she will blame you for her actions.  I did X, because you did Y.  She will never, ever admit to being part of the problem.  You are taking ownership of your behavior, she never will.

The further along you are with emotional detachment the more you are likely to make a non-emotional decision.   You can certainly wish her well with her life, but as to be invested in protecting her, you simply can't. 

I think she is employing the Silent Treatment, which is totally different from NC.  Verbal/Emotional Abuse - Silent Treatment

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=68733.0

You will not get closure from her, that is something you have to gift yourself with.  Quite a few of our members have a therapist to help them work through the relationship and work on themselves as well.  My son is post relationship with his ex and finds therapy is very helpful to him personally.  He also found the book No More Mr. Nice Guy to be insightful.

[DangIthurts]

I guess too you know I had spent so much time trying to be understanding and communicating in healthy ways, as I've legit tried it all: calm, angry, mad, sad, all forms I could think of hoping one would be a way we'd to not have fights again. But in reality I think from what I've been reading I was only giving her the proper ammunition for when these things would occur.

Part of me knows from all I've read I'm FAR better off detaching from her request for no contact (granted she unblocked me on one social, and she's got guys flirting, but oddly isn't engaging at least in public),

The real battle is wanting communication from her so I feel like it wasn't all for nothing that all that effort wasn't just treading water. I mean after I proposed because I honestly sat down for a few days and said you didn't get in this thing to not commit, within a few days she'd picked out a house something I'd have no problem purchasing, but to spend 4,5,6 hundred thousand after 2 months of the first real cycle, my gut told me to slow down, which I guess between that and her wanting children badly. If I never hear from her again I've escaped unscathed compared to some here (When I found out about the dating site and was angry she told me she might be pregnant and had bought a test, and her boobs were growing, and that if I left I'd never see the baby, etc. etc.) Well off handed I told her the next time I saw her when she came to apologize for the dating site (your boobs do look bigger, it was met with a shocked "really" )

I dunno I'm sure anyone reading this can see I'm struggling which is nuts considering I'm reading all the info and can understand whats going on but somehow and hoping for an attachment feeling like the success I've had in life could some how translate to this (we all know thats not true).

[DangIthurts]

Edit: *I guess really those were the opinions I was seeking if I'm done never contact me actually means this with someone showing signs that maybe classified as BPD, or will I inevitably find myself (through my decision given how much I've read on this), talked back into something... .I guess what I'm hoping is I hope all I did and fought for wasn't for nothing, cause thats how I feel, so if I got the "I wanna come back" text I'd at least feel like it wasn't a total failure, and the further I detach I think the better I'll be situated to make a non-emotional decision.

Typically, yes, if you stay NC, she will probably try to contact you.  She may even apologize, but realize this is not sincere.  She lacks empathy. Listen carefully, you may get the "I wanna come back" communication, but she will blame you for her actions.  I did X, because you did Y.  She will never, ever admit to being part of the problem.  You are taking ownership of your behavior, she never will.

The further along you are with emotional detachment the more you are likely to make a non-emotional decision.   You can certainly wish her well with her life, but as to be invested in protecting her, you simply can't.  

I think she is employing the Silent Treatment, which is totally different from NC.  Verbal/Emotional Abuse - Silent Treatment

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=68733.0

You will not get closure from her, that is something you have to gift yourself with.  Quite a few of our members have a therapist to help them work through the relationship and work on themselves as well.  My son is post relationship with his ex and finds therapy is very helpful to him personally.  He also found the book No More Mr. Nice Guy to be insightful.

She did after our major blow up where she said she was done and we went a week and a half with NC, I guess I shoulda been more clear I hit a deer driving around (sad its something I do ), so I called and it was a cold response which made the incident worse because I had long time friends from 100 miles away I hadn't spoken too in years offer to come get me, meanwhile she was cold and distant "said she was busy and had to go back to work llo that how it ended"

The following day a mutual friend messaged her about it (behind my back I was sleeping) and she went on the attack saying I was stalking her and she can do whatever (this is where I found out she unblocked me from a social media site, because when confronted with stalking I said I hadn't looked at anything which I guess shocked her), which inevitably got us into the past fight where I was hurling curse words at her over canceling which lead to her saying she's done. But yes she blamed me for ruing the relationship called me names (I was just calm as I said above in my long diatribe) said shed' forgive me in a long long time or maybe never. I said that was your choice, I could only say I'd forgive you because I care, sorry I liked spending time with you "when I'm mad you should leave me alone"... I responded with when your mad or hurting I want you to feel like you can talk to me so we can work on whatever "your annoying" she's not responded since...

I guess what I'm asking as anyone can clearly see I'm messed up with this is there a difference between silent treatment like this which I've never experienced and what shed been doing when we were still in an official relationship?

Like I'd had emotional love pulled (you know one week I'll make a great dad, she's so happy, the next after a fight I'm not ready to get married, I luv u, instead of I love you   and of course the canceling stuff, the excuses on why she will no longer use a gift, or spend time in person, I've also had the where I see she's frustrated and quiet or not talkative and won't tell me about her day (I thought this was the silent treatment) or the "you should know whats wrong with me", when really I'm like oh sh!t did I miss something... .But is all that different from what I'm experiencing now, where we just aren't talking at all? Or is now that the relationship is technically "over" this a new cycle...


I guess too my cycles have changed the first one after the love one she was attentive but much less, no sex, and we might go a week without seeing each other but we still saw each other. Then it was completely cut off from face to face time, and now I guess its this?

Thanks again to anyone who spent the time reading this. I personally don't know how you all read these odysseys as it was one reason I was afraid to sign up because I had so much to say... .But looking around at threads, mine isn't nearly as long as others.

[catnap]

You dodged a major bullet-pregnancy.  My son after several months in (and actively trying to get out) found out he was going to be a Daddy.  He used protection every time in spite of she told him she couldn't get pregnant.  He was fortunate to have been able to get out of the r/s and with his infant daughter.  He won sole custody.  He had his ex's parental rights terminated when the child was almost 3 years old.  His daughter recently turned 4.  He had just turned 21 when his daughter was born.  He is back in college pursuing his engineering degree. 

The fact that she voiced you were "stalking her" is another red flag.  It would be fairly easy for her falsely accuse you to get a stalking/retraining order.  Sometimes they can be very vindictive. 

Are you asking if she ever really loved you?  Yes, she did, but not in the way you and I think of love.  In a normal relationship there are ups and downs, but there is discussion of needs and wants, empathy, and compromise.  In these relationships, her feelings are the only ones that really matter. 

If you are asking if for her it is over, that is a lot tougher to answer or predict.  What did she tell you about her prior bfs?  That might be your best indicator. 

Do not worry about posting a lot (I did when I first joined).  You will have more memories that surface over time and have you wonder was this something associated with the disorder or am I over thinking?  It is normal   

[DangIthurts]

You dodged a major bullet-pregnancy.  My son after several months in (and actively trying to get out) found out he was going to be a Daddy.  He used protection every time in spite of she told him she couldn't get pregnant.  He was fortunate to have been able to get out of the r/s and with his infant daughter.  He won sole custody.  He had his ex's parental rights terminated when the child was almost 3 years old.  His daughter recently turned 4.  He had just turned 21 when his daughter was born.  He is back in college pursuing his engineering degree.  

The fact that she voiced you were "stalking her" is another red flag.  It would be fairly easy for her falsely accuse you to get a stalking/retraining order.  Sometimes they can be very vindictive.  

Are you asking if she ever really loved you?  Yes, she did, but not in the way you and I think of love.  In a normal relationship there are ups and downs, but there is discussion of needs and wants, empathy, and compromise.  In these relationships, her feelings are the only ones that really matter.  

If you are asking if for her it is over, that is a lot tougher to answer or predict.  What did she tell you about her prior bfs?  That might be your best indicator.  

Do not worry about posting a lot (I did when I first joined).  You will have more memories that surface over time and have you wonder was this something associated with the disorder or am I over thinking?  It is normal    

Sounds like he's doing better, seems like getting back out into the real world does lots of good. I'm plenty self destructive, and give the financial security really only enables it more because I'm less worried about day to day financing, or having to do things I don't want to which doesn't help when your kicking your own butt. I'm glad your sons getting through it though gives me hope


Yeah the day of the last fight, my tirade of being blown off she said I'm crazy and psycho and just like her ex and she refuses to date another, she'd get a restraining order, and that her mom would message me bc she saw my rant via. text... .

I said I await your moms message I doubt she knows how many times you cursed at me and said you'd kill me... Well that message from mom never came. I made it clear to her that I would instantly stop engaging if she was really done, to which I've followed through, granted she's gone to unblocking like I said and a random chat with her and her brother where he initiated contact with me about her talking about me that day around the house saying good things and she was going to text me [that never came] and that I should give it more time... .

So I guess I'm still in a daze about where it all sits, I got her car for her to enjoy and be safer in (it was the one she was saving for for retirement... went from cheapest car at work to better than the CEO, I still remember the shocked happy look on her face as honestly I think me hitting her she would have been less shocked), so I guess I'm just not letting go.

As for her other boyfriends, "they're all the same, cheaters and liars" and "I'm just like them" I honestly am loyal to a fault and hate change lmao so I don't think I'd cheat if Kate Upton was outside naked after a month of silent treatment. I believe on one social media when I was search for answers after the first cycle I saw a pattern a week "wow he's the best so glad" then within a few weeks "cheater I caught you all the same" this happened for two guys after her 3 year ex who was abusive and she still had on a pedestal when we dated, I believe they broke up 3 times and while me and that ex have mutual friends, he's not kind enough to give me insight to whats gone on in the past (he really isn't a good person), so I have no idea if those 3 break ups were like mine with NC that involved which lead to getting back or what.

I know nobody can really say oh she's doing x,y,z so just do a,b,c for your answer... .I'm just lost with this new kind of cycle (or officially done and moved on and never coming back) where again seems like she's enjoying life and I don't exist, and while I'm plenty strong enough to not chase, and respect her wishes of not talking to her.

I guess I'm just not sure whats going to happen next, I don't think she's had any contact with prior BFs and even the EX she was infatuated with I'm not sure but I know she hates him except for the occasional pedestal, I'm not sure if she ever went back or her pool of inferior options is so deep she's just never had a reason to go back as she can get attention anytime she wants.

I can tell you this usually with past ex's if I felt hurt or betrayed I'd tended to try to retaliate with her... Knowing she would do anything to win, I've actively avoided trying to make her mad or jealous or anything because she'd do anything to hurt me and I have no idea what that would look like post official relationship. I do know when she caught her ex sleeping around, she went and had sex with his best friend to get back so her capacity to punish is unlimited .


So I guess bottom line she's had relationships where there have been break ups/makeups to what extent I don't know. This is our first I guess true break up where we're not in a relationship of any kind although I believe after the proposal which would have been our second cycle of anger she believed we weren't together, even though it was official on all social media, etc. unlike now. And I was still getting messages daily and night, and good mornings... .Unlike now where its literally nothing. The shocking thing is she's not really flirting on the social media site I can see, she's getting flirty messages from guys but not responding or anything like that, and a mutual friend told me she's posting fb status "I hate being single and alone" which again drives me nuts because I never broke it off

Her family definitely enables with letting people know about her bad past, she's just not trusting and it takes time, she's beautiful which is why people give her attention [not that she's actively seeking it which I've been around enough girls to know the difference], etc. etc. this was one thing that helped me through it was they spoke so highly of her loyalty and love that I never thought I'd get cheated on and the dating site was really a shocker granted... weeks prior to me finding out [during the complete no seeing each other month] she would constantly call me up and accuse me of cheating which was very strange.

[DangIthurts]

Oh and on the matter of my accident her brother told me the next day she's walking around the house saying I did it on purpose to say it was her fault and to blame her and I'm blaming her for it... .Which I'm not I'll deal with insurance and sell it.

I just calmly sent a text that said i don't blame you for anything in this relationship lots of these things have been my decisions and my choices alone.

But yeah nice... I purposely went out to find a deer to hit (granted I was driving around because I was depressed and it helps to clear my mind), but certainly not looking to crash a 6month old car I'd just gotten myself .

[catnap]

Her family definitely enables with letting people know about her bad past, she's just not trusting and it takes time, she's beautiful which is why people give her attention [not that she's actively seeking it which I've been around enough girls to know the difference], etc. etc. this was one thing that helped me through it was they spoke so highly of her loyalty and love that I never thought I'd get cheated on and the dating site was really a shocker granted... weeks prior to me finding out [during the complete no seeing each other month] she would constantly call me up and accuse me of cheating which was very strange.

Son's exgf's sister was her biggest enabler, always trying to explain away her sister's erratic behavior and if son would just do x,y,z it would make things better. 

My son also got the you are cheating spiel also.  We hired a PI (child custody) and found out that she was spending 6 hours and more at her old bf's house when she claimed she was working.  She would also spend nights away with the baby saying she was too tired to drive home from work.  They will project their bad behaviors onto you.

Projecting:

In general, emotionally healthy people base their perceptions on facts.  Projection is basing your perception of reality on feelings.

Projection is a defense mechanism, operating unconsciously, in which what is emotionally unacceptable in the self is unconsciously rejected and attributed (projected) to others.  Projection is denying one's own unpleasant traits, behaviors, or feelings by attributing them, often in an accusing way,  to someone else.

Commonly the projection is an exaggeration of something that has a basis in reality. For example, the borderline may accuse you of "hating" them when you just feel irritated. Sometimes the projection may come entirely from their imagination: for example, they accuse you of flirting with when you were just asking for directions to the shoe department. ~ Randi Kreger

Some adults who enter into relationships with borderlines feel brainwashed by the BP's accusations and criticisms. The techniques of brainwashing are simple: isolate the victim, expose them to inconsistent messages, mix with sleep deprivation, add some form of abuse, get the person to doubt what they know and feel, keep them on their toes, wear them down, and stir well. ~ Elyce M. Benham, M.S.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70931.0

[DangIthurts]

Her family definitely enables with letting people know about her bad past, she's just not trusting and it takes time, she's beautiful which is why people give her attention [not that she's actively seeking it which I've been around enough girls to know the difference], etc. etc. this was one thing that helped me through it was they spoke so highly of her loyalty and love that I never thought I'd get cheated on and the dating site was really a shocker granted... weeks prior to me finding out [during the complete no seeing each other month] she would constantly call me up and accuse me of cheating which was very strange.

Son's exgf's sister was her biggest enabler, always trying to explain away her sister's erratic behavior and if son would just do x,y,z it would make things better.  

My son also got the you are cheating spiel also.  We hired a PI (child custody) and found out that she was spending 6 hours and more at her old bf's house when she claimed she was working.  She would also spend nights away with the baby saying she was too tired to drive home from work.  They will project their bad behaviors onto you.

Projecting:

In general, emotionally healthy people base their perceptions on facts.  Projection is basing your perception of reality on feelings.

Projection is a defense mechanism, operating unconsciously, in which what is emotionally unacceptable in the self is unconsciously rejected and attributed (projected) to others.  Projection is denying one's own unpleasant traits, behaviors, or feelings by attributing them, often in an accusing way,  to someone else.

Commonly the projection is an exaggeration of something that has a basis in reality. For example, the borderline may accuse you of "hating" them when you just feel irritated. Sometimes the projection may come entirely from their imagination: for example, they accuse you of flirting with when you were just asking for directions to the shoe department. ~ Randi Kreger

Some adults who enter into relationships with borderlines feel brainwashed by the BP's accusations and criticisms. The techniques of brainwashing are simple: isolate the victim, expose them to inconsistent messages, mix with sleep deprivation, add some form of abuse, get the person to doubt what they know and feel, keep them on their toes, wear them down, and stir well. ~ Elyce M. Benham, M.S.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70931.0

Yeah I guess since being on here seeing her social media isn't as heart breaking so I just looked she was out at a club last night having fun... .Meanwhile I ran 10 miles and felt terrible about myself .

And yes I agree the brother sent me texts, If you just don't stalk, or do x,y,z (I mean I was far more attentive what she was doing after the datings site so I was looking at who was being added and why? ) and are a good boyfriend it'll be better, give it time, give it time... .

I honestly think I got those texts that day because I was painted white for a few hours... .Just sad to think I'm out there running trying to make sense of it all and it appears like eh clubs the spot for the night.

I get the impression I guess between the club pictures (she's posting them where I can see), the NC, she'll probably be one that just leaves and stays gone despite what her family members have said. I just think she's got easier pray in the less developed area, then a successful person who is constantly communicating and actually calling her out if something comes up... .And also taking full responsibly when I do something wrong. I think she was a bit taken back when she was getting angry and saying I'm not letting anyone treat me like that I can do whatever I want on my social media and instead of fighting I just agreed, which seemed to stump her... .

So dumb that I just just hope I get some contact. Baffling where my head is at/

[catnap]

For whatever reason (and my guess would be none of them are good) she wanted you to see those pics.

I think you are very right in the fact that you are not the easy prey any longer.  She couldn't isolate you very well, you discussed her behaviors with others--reality check, and you questioned her. 

[DangIthurts]

For whatever reason (and my guess would be none of them are good) she wanted you to see those pics.

I think you are very right in the fact that you are not the easy prey any longer.  She couldn't isolate you very well, you discussed her behaviors with others--reality check, and you questioned her. 

Yeah its just shocking seeing her out at bars when she was always such a homebody when we were together... .I mean I knew she went out plenty prior, but still :/

And I think I was pretty Isolated I stopped doing lots of things which avoided allowing her to say you care about x,y,z more than me. I think the difference was I never stopped communicating what was wrong, weather it was a day or two where I didn't say anything I always brought up it should be different. I mean I pushed back hard, and mostly in a loving way, and I lost my temper plenty. But it was almost always from a loving perspective, not that she saw it this way but I'm sure it was processed differently then the abuse she'd known for so long.

Still its all just kind of a haze.

[catnap]

Time. . . it takes time to come out of one of these relationships.  They are so intense and mind boggling.   Some have compared it to withdrawing from a drug.  Your brain craves the "fix" even though you know it is not good for you--chasing the "high" you got at the beginning of the relationship before she devalued you.

[DangIthurts]

Time. . . it takes time to come out of one of these relationships.  They are so intense and mind boggling.   Some have compared it to withdrawing from a drug.  Your brain craves the "fix" even though you know it is not good for you--chasing the "high" you got at the beginning of the relationship before she devalued you.

Its just very rough seeing something on those sites like "just because someone treats you bad doesn't mean you have a problem. They do"

like for cursing... .(maybe 2 or 3 times I went off cursing, I got it weekly or berated in all kinds of different ways) all the stuff I took and forgave and I'm sure she doesn't even remember putting me through that

I'm tied into some group of abusers or something. I really feel like speaking up but I know I shouldn't... Makes me feel SO bad.

[catnap]

I'm tied into some group of abusers or something. I really feel like speaking up but I know I shouldn't... Makes me feel SO bad.

Find a good therapist to help you explore this and work through it.  You will not get closure from her or her family.  You are not "tied" to the group, you can walk away. 

[DangIthurts]

I'm tied into some group of abusers or something. I really feel like speaking up but I know I shouldn't... Makes me feel SO bad.

Find a good therapist to help you explore this and work through it.  You will not get closure from her or her family.  You are not "tied" to the group, you can walk away. 

Oh I know I'm not tied to her family, I meant tied in and grouped with the people who have REALLY hurt her in her past. I guess to make sense of getting rid of me, I had to be as bad as all the people that have come prior... .Thats what bugs me, if she'd have just said your ugly I don't like you, I could deal with that far better than that kind of stuff where for all the things I've dealt with and had happen to me. My losing my temper was the end all be all of the relationship.