Taking Issue With My Own Emotions

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Anyone ever heard of Stoicism?  Yeah, we all know what it means to be or look…stoic, but did anyone know it was an actual philosophy practiced in the Roman period?  I didn't, but I'm going to give it some research time.

My therapist asked me to consider that I might be suffering more from grief than depression.  I've battled clinical depression in my past, but ironically was never as down and out as when I was with the ex.  I don't know what's what with weekends like this one just ending now, but I'd really like to stop having them. 

I have been advised to be kind and patient with myself, but I'm struggling and feeling a bit disgusted with my own emotions.  Getting back to the gym is in order THIS WEEK!  Who's going to keep tabs on me about that?

Anyway, I've always been extremely emotionally sensitive.  Yes, I've had my share of "you're too sensitive/emotional" remarks, but I've also experienced being cherished for that vulnerability.  At this age and stage in my life I am fully aware that there is a tremendous amount of strength rooted in that emotional sensitivity.  It has made me a wonderful friend, intuitive teacher, more loving family member, and sensitive caregiver to those who have needed it in my life.  Ironic, the BPD is described as extraordinarily emotionally sensitive also.  That freaked me out at first.  I make no mistake in understanding the differences these days.  My emotions kept me connected to people.  His emotions or lack of managing them appropriately shredded his relationships everywhere he turned.  My vulnerable nature brought me calm patience and rationale, logical behaviors that managing the constant swirling chaos of his life for many years.  His issues extended far beyond emotional dysregulation and into very sick, cruel and criminal behavior. 

With all that blabbering…what I'm getting it as that I'm thoroughly, emotionally exhausted.  I'm sick of my own shattering.  I'm tired of my own tears and wasting my days while he gets on with his life.  I'm educated, I have a good career, I have people in my world who know my truth (both in and out of the emotional mess), and I have a capacity to love deeply and beyond all odds.  I friggin' HATE that I was so ready for the long haul of love, marriage, family, and home…and picked such a destructive human being to keep me company. 

Tomorrow, I'm going to start implementing the Stoicism philosophy.  Wish me luck

[Hope0807]

Anyone ever heard of Stoicism?  Yeah, we all know what it means to be or look…stoic, but did anyone know it was an actual philosophy practiced in the Roman period?  I didn't, but I'm going to give it some research time.

My therapist asked me to consider that I might be suffering more from grief than depression.  I've battled clinical depression in my past, but ironically was never as down and out as when I was with the ex.  I don't know what's what with weekends like this one just ending now, but I'd really like to stop having them. 

I have been advised to be kind and patient with myself, but I'm struggling and feeling a bit disgusted with my own emotions.  Getting back to the gym is in order THIS WEEK!  Who's going to keep tabs on me about that?

Anyway, I've always been extremely emotionally sensitive.  Yes, I've had my share of "you're too sensitive/emotional" remarks, but I've also experienced being cherished for that vulnerability.  At this age and stage in my life I am fully aware that there is a tremendous amount of strength rooted in that emotional sensitivity.  It has made me a wonderful friend, intuitive teacher, more loving family member, and sensitive caregiver to those who have needed it in my life.  Ironic, the BPD is described as extraordinarily emotionally sensitive also.  That freaked me out at first.  I make no mistake in understanding the differences these days.  My emotions kept me connected to people.  His emotions or lack of managing them appropriately shredded his relationships everywhere he turned.  My vulnerable nature brought me calm patience and rationale, logical behaviors that managing the constant swirling chaos of his life for many years.  His issues extended far beyond emotional dysregulation and into very sick, cruel and criminal behavior. 

With all that blabbering…what I'm getting it as that I'm thoroughly, emotionally exhausted.  I'm sick of my own shattering.  I'm tired of my own tears and wasting my days while he gets on with his life.  I'm educated, I have a good career, I have people in my world who know my truth (both in and out of the emotional mess), and I have a capacity to love deeply and beyond all odds.  I friggin' HATE that I was so ready for the long haul of love, marriage, family, and home…and picked such a destructive human being to keep me company. 

Tomorrow, I'm going to start implementing the Stoicism philosophy.  Wish me luck

[Mutt]

Tomorrow, I'm going to start implementing the Stoicism philosophy.  Wish me luck

I'm sorry to hear about your weekends. What's Stoicism philosophy? You have a tremendous amount of positive qualities. It really takes time to heal and get back on your feet. At the end, I started to feel confident about myself and chose to embrace my good qualities.

To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment. -Ralph Waldo Emerson

[Pingo]

Hope, I understand what you mean about wanting to get past this difficult stage, this 'shattering' stage as you mentioned.  I want to hurry up and heal too!  But whoever gave you the advise to be kind and patient with yourself was giving you good advise.  You cannot bypass your feelings.  You can't go around your pain, you have to go through it, if you want to have a chance to heal.  My T told me on Friday that I am putting too much pressure on myself.  We actually got into an argument over it!  She asked me 'do I want to be right or do I want to get better?'  She told me she hasn't had a client that has worked harder on their healing than I do.  But I also get really frustrated and depressed and push myself hard and end up more anxious and triggered. 

This work you are doing, feeling these feelings, allowing them and being present in the pain, not running away from them, this is hard work!  And you will get through this stage just like I will!  There will be a time when we will reach the 'freedom' stage!  You cannot force it!  I have spent my entire life running from my own pain.  It's no wonder it's overwhelming me right now, I am 44 yrs old so I have a lot of feelings to catch up on!

[Hope0807]

Thanks, Mutt.  That Emerson quote is a nice one.  All that I know of Stoicism thus far is that it's an ancient Greek philosophy where the general school of thought is to practice the demonstration of indifference to emotion.  A wonderful explanation/website I can't seem to find again basically said that it teaches us not to avoid emotion altogether, but to channel it differently but accentuating positive emotions by giving less attention to the negative ones.  That alone felt like a good avenue for me!

I realize it takes time, but how much?  I know there's no definitive answer to that.  My divorce is weeks away from being final…and there's so much more up in the air and yet to unfold.  I just wish I were more together, more productive, and just generally capable of seeing/believing there is light beyond this darkness.  Clawing my way out.  

Tomorrow, I'm going to start implementing the Stoicism philosophy.  Wish me luck

I'm sorry to hear about your weekends. What's Stoicism philosophy? You have a tremendous amount of positive qualities. It really takes time to heal and get back on your feet. At the end, I started to feel confident about myself and chose to embrace my good qualities.

To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment. -Ralph Waldo Emerson

[willtimeheal]

I agree with pingo. You have to go thru the pain. You can't bypass it. I hate the weekends too. This weekend sucked. Just know that your ability to be vulnerable and in touch with emotions is what will lead you to joy and happiness.  Don't shut down that quality in yourself. It is one of the best qualities to have. I know you don't want to hear it but be patient and give it time. I am clawing out too. Hang in there.

[Hope0807]

Thanks, Pingo.  I'm determined to believe that something good, GREAT actually, has to come of this.  I'm 40.  In one of his very last (emotion) emails, he acknowledged that he cost me the family he knew I wanted to start…and referred to himself as a "psychopath".  Talk about disturbing and haunting!  Some days I long for the child I never got to bring into this world because I got suffocated by him.  More days, nowadays, I just have to be grateful that I won't have that tie to his insanity. Prayers & hugs  

Hope, I understand what you mean about wanting to get past this difficult stage, this 'shattering' stage as you mentioned.  I want to hurry up and heal too!  But whoever gave you the advise to be kind and patient with yourself was giving you good advise.  You cannot bypass your feelings.  You can't go around your pain, you have to go through it, if you want to have a chance to heal.  My T told me on Friday that I am putting too much pressure on myself.  We actually got into an argument over it!  She asked me 'do I want to be right or do I want to get better?'  She told me she hasn't had a client that has worked harder on their healing than I do.  But I also get really frustrated and depressed and push myself hard and end up more anxious and triggered. 

This work you are doing, feeling these feelings, allowing them and being present in the pain, not running away from them, this is hard work!  And you will get through this stage just like I will!  There will be a time when we will reach the 'freedom' stage!  You cannot force it!  I have spent my entire life running from my own pain.  It's no wonder it's overwhelming me right now, I am 44 yrs old so I have a lot of feelings to catch up on!

[Hope0807]

 

I agree with pingo. You have to go thru the pain. You can't bypass it. I hate the weekends too. This weekend sucked. Just know that your ability to be vulnerable and in touch with emotions is what will lead you to joy and happiness.  Don't shut down that quality in yourself. It is one of the best qualities to have. I know you don't want to hear it but be patient and give it time. I am clawing out too. Hang in there.

[Mutt]

You cannot bypass your feelings.  You can't go around your pain, you have to go through it, if you want to have a chance to heal.

   

It sounds like you have a good T. I suggest hanging unto him / her. A good T that syncs with you is hard to find.

There's no set timeline as you say and some days I found I just wanted to feel better. I was 39 then turned 40 and thought some people live through life unhappy not knowing what their issues are. Money, doesn't make them happy and you see some have multiple divorces, and it's not to say everyone is like this. To have this chance to see where my hurt and pain is because of a difficult personality disorder is a blessing.

It gets better.

[Left broken and confused]

It is funny Mutt that you mentioned other emotions coming out. Both of my parents passed away when I was in my early 20's and I seemed to have buried my hurt and grief. Last night my sister and I were talking for several hours mostly about my exbf and her husband who passed a few years ago but once we began to talk about my parents all these emotions began to surface and the hurt came back which for 20 years I haven't felt. Very odd that this seems to have triggered other grief and hurt that I haven't felt in years. I was diagnosed with ptsd from a car accident I had 2 months ago but my guess is ptsd is from the end of the relationship. I must say given the choice I would live my life numb so I never hurt again

[Mutt]

I'm sorry Left broken and confused that you're struggling . Things have a way sometimes coming out one way or the other. Do you have a T?

[Left broken and confused]

Thank you Mutt

I did call a therapist and I am waiting for an intake appointment which I will follow up with tomorrow. I have been through so much in the last 5 months that I do believe it has become overwhelming. I am also not able to work still not sure if I need surgery or not so I have all day whole my kids are at school to sit and thing. I have been thinking of going against doctors orders and going back to the gym of course nothing heavy just cardo

[myself]

Grief and change have a way of bringing other things to light, for sure. They reach some of the deepest parts of who we are. Someone who used to post here shared with me that it's like we're cleaning our space. Appreciating it when we're ready to. If you can get to that, you've moved on/accepted. Do the symptoms still exist from clinging to them? We can be wounded physically, also affected emotionally. Wounded emotionally, also affected physically. Because it's all connected. Is balance given, found, or created?

[Mutt]

You have a lot on your mind Left broken and confused and you're in pain. It's difficult. Is there something that you find that centers you? Talking to a friend, writing a letter to someone, going for a walk, going for a drive, reading a book, going to a movie? It can be difficult to be centered and I think focusing on the present helps. You took a positive step, you made a call and your waiting for an appointment. The therapy starts soon and it'll help to talk to a T. You'll start feeling a little better after your first appointment.

[SickofMe]

I make no mistake in understanding the differences these days.  My emotions kept me connected to people.  His emotions or lack of managing them appropriately shredded his relationships everywhere he turned.

I really like this insight.  Sometimes it feels like being sensitive/emotional is considered a flaw by our society. But it really isn't!  The problem is when we are so sensitive it is hard to know which of our feelings and intuitions to trust (at least for me).  I felt a lot of anxiety in my r/s, but was worried (or maybe convinced myself) that it was just my "baggage."  I wish I'd trusted myself more.

My therapist asked me to consider that I might be suffering more from grief than depression.  I've battled clinical depression in my past, but ironically was never as down and out as when I was with the ex.  I don't know what's what with weekends like this one just ending now, but I'd really like to stop having them.

It really is grief, isn't it?  So hard to grieve the loss of a r/s when the person is still alive and walking around.  It would be easier if they had died.  I've tried to look at it that way--the man I loved doesn't love me and so the r/s died.  Still so painful. 

I think part of the reason these r/s are so painful when they end is that they stir up old traumatic events.  So you end up not only grieving the current situation, but feeling anxious and triggered by old stuff that has been reactivated.  It sounds like you have experienced a lot of profound losses--no wonder you feel so overwhelmed.

I like the image of grief being like waves (and it sure does feel that way for me).  The waves surge and crash and also subside.  Riding the waves without fighting them is so sad and deep... .but fighting them is futile.

Peace be with you. 

[Aussie JJ]

It's hard finding all of these things out as working through it.  I've sort of made progress then gone backwards however I find that I kept taking 1 step forward and then 2 steps backwards at the start.  Those backwards steps were painful as I uncovered different things.  Now its a case of a step or two forward slowly and every so often a step back.  On a whole moving forward I am recognising those steps that I am taking backwards and stopping when I reach those periods.  

For me the emotions has been a large part of it.  Knowing I had invested so much and for so little return if that adds up.  Still now I invest that energy to ensure that I learn from it now.  Invest that energy in my son and myself as opposed to investing it in my exBPDgf.  

A hard process as its so unnatural.  A lot of the posters here I resonate with the how can she not care theame.  For me, I still care and she doesnt give a rats arse.  I accept that and sort of can see it isnt going to change anytime soon.  

Its different for all of us however the hardest thing is investing that time into ourselves.  Our emotions, not being the caretaker to someone else but looking after our own well being.  

I had another one at handover a few days ago, I asked the same question, anything up with our son that is of importance?  Her reply in a angry voice, have-a-good-day almost as one word.  I asked again, same question that I have asked for 6 months.  Then in a raised voice have-a-good-day.  

She isnt going to change, I dont accept her distorted perceptions of me as a person or me as a father anymore and that makes her more and more angry.  What hurts me now is seeing our son and hjaving him mouse like for the first 20-30 minutes of my time with him.  Those emotions she has effect him.  She has no insight into this.  

I don't care anymore, I invest my time into him.  I hand back a happy healthy kid as opposed to silent mouse like child.  I know he loves his time with me and thats all that matters.  Her perception is her problem.  Not my emotions to deal with anymore, doesnt mean I dont care however I recognise I am my own keeper and that is all.  


AJJ.  

[Hope0807]

"Insight" is something they don't have…did you realize that?  I didn't.  I read it and when I read that and it was explained in great details it was one of the million WOW WOW moments.  Every single little and big interaction with my ex over 7 years now makes sense.  It's haunting and disturbing…but now it makes sense.  I am sensitive and emotional, but beautifully insightful…what a blessed, natural quality…he DID NOT possess.

He did not cultivate or maintain authentic friendships.  Although he mirrored my upset and faked sobbing tears of apologies when it suited his needs, he NEVER really and truly had the insight to have genuine empathy for the discomfort and pain he was causing in my life. 

It is no wonder now that I felt like I was dying (but didn't dare utter those words and hadn't a clue how to explain WHY I felt that way), but his illness was affecting me like a deadly fungus. 

I watch the show "Intervention" for education and perspective these days.  It makes me proud that I have not numbed my pain and choose to go through this storm.  I will come out the other side.  I just have to.

I make no mistake in understanding the differences these days.  My emotions kept me connected to people.  His emotions or lack of managing them appropriately shredded his relationships everywhere he turned.

I really like this insight.  Sometimes it feels like being sensitive/emotional is considered a flaw by our society. But it really isn't!  The problem is when we are so sensitive it is hard to know which of our feelings and intuitions to trust (at least for me).  I felt a lot of anxiety in my r/s, but was worried (or maybe convinced myself) that it was just my "baggage."  I wish I'd trusted myself more.

My therapist asked me to consider that I might be suffering more from grief than depression.  I've battled clinical depression in my past, but ironically was never as down and out as when I was with the ex.  I don't know what's what with weekends like this one just ending now, but I'd really like to stop having them.

It really is grief, isn't it?  So hard to grieve the loss of a r/s when the person is still alive and walking around.  It would be easier if they had died.  I've tried to look at it that way--the man I loved doesn't love me and so the r/s died.  Still so painful. 

I think part of the reason these r/s are so painful when they end is that they stir up old traumatic events.  So you end up not only grieving the current situation, but feeling anxious and triggered by old stuff that has been reactivated.  It sounds like you have experienced a lot of profound losses--no wonder you feel so overwhelmed.

I like the image of grief being like waves (and it sure does feel that way for me).  The waves surge and crash and also subside.  Riding the waves without fighting them is so sad and deep... .but fighting them is futile.

Peace be with you. 

[SickofMe]

"Insight" is something they don't have…did you realize that?  I didn't.  I read it and when I read that and it was explained in great details it was one of the million WOW WOW moments.  Every single little and big interaction with my ex over 7 years now makes sense.  It's haunting and disturbing…but now it makes sense.  I am sensitive and emotional, but beautifully insightful…what a blessed, natural quality…he DID NOT possess.

True insight would require too much of them, emotionally.  My ex has a brilliant mind and is very sensitive/emotional/expressive.  What he seems unable to recognize (or develop insight regarding) is that it is his own issues that result in his persistent feelings of victimization.

We can do this.  We can go through the pain and grief and eventually recognize where we could have protected ourselves better (boundaries).  That work is not for sissies... .accountability is not pretty.  That's what an untreated/not recovering pwBPD ultimately can't do--it's the narcissism that's part of the disorder.

I don't like it when I see where my accountability lies AT ALL--it's sad, mortifying, and sometimes shameful.  But I can say it out loud (and I suspect you can, too) without being fearful it will annihilate everything good there is about me.

What a sad, sad, life they lead.  Yes, they make us sad and sometimes the r/s makes us feel like we are dying inside--I totally get that, I feel like I lost some very important parts of myself (mostly, my self-respect and confidence).  But we can get it back.  You just have to be patient with yourself and, like you said, NOT numb it all out.  It's necessary to feel the pain to grow from it, I think.

Anaïs Nin: “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”