Trying to get over him- Please help

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I've been NC with my ex BPD boyfriend for a couple of weeks but last night I made the huge mistake of looking at his facebook and saw that only 6 days after we broke up (pretty mutual) he already started seeing someone new and they are already telling each other that they love each other... he's telling her all kinds of sweet things and they spend the night together now while I sleep alone. I put up with SO much from him for 4 years out of pure patient love for him for this? He can just move on and forget all about me teling her she's the best thing thats ever happened to him just like he told me? I am so tremendously hurt by this and would love some input on it.

Does he still at least think of me?

Anyone have any advice on how to get through this emotional pain (and physical at times)? I have so much anxiety, can't eat, sleep, and losing interest in everything. I have been through such things as him cutting his wrists and screaming raging and crying- blaming me. How can someone go from adoring you, NEEDING you so badly to loving someone else 6 days later? I do have a slight understanding of this mental disorder but can he really just turn the switch on his feelings from OUR relationship and never look back or think of me?

[SeaShellz]

I've been NC with my ex BPD boyfriend for a couple of weeks but last night I made the huge mistake of looking at his facebook and saw that only 6 days after we broke up (pretty mutual) he already started seeing someone new and they are already telling each other that they love each other... he's telling her all kinds of sweet things and they spend the night together now while I sleep alone. I put up with SO much from him for 4 years out of pure patient love for him for this? He can just move on and forget all about me teling her she's the best thing thats ever happened to him just like he told me? I am so tremendously hurt by this and would love some input on it.

Does he still at least think of me?

Anyone have any advice on how to get through this emotional pain (and physical at times)? I have so much anxiety, can't eat, sleep, and losing interest in everything. I have been through such things as him cutting his wrists and screaming raging and crying- blaming me. How can someone go from adoring you, NEEDING you so badly to loving someone else 6 days later? I do have a slight understanding of this mental disorder but can he really just turn the switch on his feelings from OUR relationship and never look back or think of me?

[Popcorn71]

Most of us on here ask the same question.  How can they jump from one person to another so quickly without a care?

I cannot answer this.  I just keep telling myself that I was conned by my exBPDh in a big way.  He never meant a word he said to me.  I could have been anyone.  Now the replacement could be anyone.  In fact, he told me when I found out about her, that he was with her because 'he didn't want to be alone'.  In other words, she will do.  She is better than nothing.  Wow, she obviously doesn't know that, just as I didn't know that when I was lapping up all the declarations of love from him.

I guess what I am trying to explain, is that the replacement is not important.  She could have been anyone.  Don't give yourself a hard time.  It wasn't you or anything you did or didn't do.  The replacement is not better than you.  It took me a long time to realise this and I feel better now that I am not blaming myself.

As for him thinking of you - I bet he does sometimes.  If he's anything like my ex then you will be on his mind. 

My ex used to mention his ex wives, way too much for my liking and there was an underlying tone of him feeling guilty when he spoke of the first ex wife.  He was too keen to tell me that he hadn't cheated on her.  I now believe that he did and that she was clever enough to get away from him after a year of marriage.  Now I would bet that he has added me to the list of stories to tell the replacement.  I would put money on the fact that I am on his mind.  I think this is probably the case for most of them.  You will be on their mind but they will never admit (not even to themselves) what they really feel about you.  You will just be a means of gaining sympathy or making the replacement jealous.

I know how difficult it is to stop thinking this way.  I still struggle more than a year later.  But focus on yourself and put yourself first.  Try to see that you are better off without a cruel heartless loser like that.  It is better to be alone than be with somebody who is using you.

I'm sorry if this may have come across as a bit harsh, I don't mean it to.  I am just telling you what I keep telling myself.

[Tiepje3]

I've been NC with my ex BPD boyfriend for a couple of weeks but last night I made the huge mistake of looking at his facebook and saw that only 6 days after we broke up (pretty mutual) he already started seeing someone new and they are already telling each other that they love each other... he's telling her all kinds of sweet things and they spend the night together now while I sleep alone. I put up with SO much from him for 4 years out of pure patient love for him for this? He can just move on and forget all about me teling her she's the best thing thats ever happened to him just like he told me? I am so tremendously hurt by this and would love some input on it.

Does he still at least think of me?

Anyone have any advice on how to get through this emotional pain (and physical at times)? I have so much anxiety, can't eat, sleep, and losing interest in everything. I have been through such things as him cutting his wrists and screaming raging and crying- blaming me. How can someone go from adoring you, NEEDING you so badly to loving someone else 6 days later? I do have a slight understanding of this mental disorder but can he really just turn the switch on his feelings from OUR relationship and never look back or think of me?

I was just were you're at now. I'm a few weeks ahead of you. It is hard, it is a struggle, but you will probably not get any answers. Yes, they do switch that easily. Read some more and you'll understand that it is not you, it is not anything you can do about either. You can only focus on yourself, trying to deal with the fact that you will not get any answers and/or closure. Go right through the pain, cry, scream, meditate, be upset, allow all these feelings, do not deny them and in time you'll heal.

I don't know where he lives (because according to him "I have no reason to know where he lives" and I don't know how he's spending his time. He does not post much on FB (I can check his FB through my daughter's FB) and I don't know anything about how often or if at all he sees the replacement. I have had no closure. He's not picking up his personal stuff (yet).  After two weeks I felt the need to contact or warn the replacement but a friend of mine suggested that she's probably as nice as I was when I fell for him, because she also doesn't know about his PD and then again... .what's the use. It'll only give him a reason to tell her that yes, ain't she (i.e.: me) crazy? He will be the one repeating his cycles and I'll be the one really moving on.

He's lost everything, my parents, his stepchildren, me, the dog (in random order LOL). For the time being I'm allowed to stay in the house, he has to pay me a lot of alimony as well for the duration of the divorce proceedings, so I doubt if he's 'happy' happy, although he claims he's doing 'fantastically great' according to our last interaction 4 wks ago.

I'm telling you this so you kind of know what to expect (which is probably nothing). You have to do it on your own, with the much needed and appreciated support of this board and the knowledge that for sure you're not to only one suddenly finding herself in this strange and almost incomprehensible situation.

I'm still baffled by everything, I'm still struggling, I'm still missing him like crazy, but I'm also still standing!

[Raybo48]

Most of us on here ask the same question.  How can they jump from one person to another so quickly without a care?

I cannot answer this.  I just keep telling myself that I was conned by my exBPDh in a big way.  He never meant a word he said to me.  I could have been anyone.  Now the replacement could be anyone.  In fact, he told me when I found out about her, that he was with her because 'he didn't want to be alone'.  In other words, she will do.  She is better than nothing.  Wow, she obviously doesn't know that, just as I didn't know that when I was lapping up all the declarations of love from him.

I guess what I am trying to explain, is that the replacement is not important.  She could have been anyone.  :)on't give yourself a hard time.  It wasn't you or anything you did or didn't do.  The replacement is not better than you.  It took me a long time to realise this and I feel better now that I am not blaming myself.

As for him thinking of you - I bet he does sometimes.  If he's anything like my ex then you will be on his mind.  

My ex used to mention his ex wives, way too much for my liking and there was an underlying tone of him feeling guilty when he spoke of the first ex wife.  He was too keen to tell me that he hadn't cheated on her.  I now believe that he did and that she was clever enough to get away from him after a year of marriage.  Now I would bet that he has added me to the list of stories to tell the replacement.  I would put money on the fact that I am on his mind.  I think this is probably the case for most of them.  You will be on their mind but they will never admit (not even to themselves) what they really feel about you.  You will just be a means of gaining sympathy or making the replacement jealous.

I know how difficult it is to stop thinking this way.  I still struggle more than a year later.  But focus on yourself and put yourself first.  Try to see that you are better off without a cruel heartless loser like that.  It is better to be alone than be with somebody who is using you.

I'm sorry if this may have come across as a bit harsh, I don't mean it to.  I am just telling you what I keep telling myself.

This entire post is very well articulated and 100% accurate, at least in my case anyway.   I can relate to many of your points and there is no doubt in my mind that the ex boyfriends my pbdxgf talked about were not the bad-bad people that she painted them out to be.  My ex too always brought up her ex's as reference on many topics, almost as if they were on her mind on a regular basis.  I can see someone from high school doing that with little life experience, but not a woman in her mid 40's.  It's very odd behavior to say the least.  Lastly, I have no doubt i'm being painted as a villain to my replacement.  That is used as a way of making him feel better than all the other men she has been with... Classic idealization.    

Way better off to be without people that bring you down, destroy your self-esteem, and make you question your own sanity at times.

[pieceofme]

seashellz, my ex found himself a new gf over the weekend (literally, in three days). i heard the same as popcorn, "he can't be alone." read more about the disorder - it is a serious mental illness. it doesn't make it hurt any less, but it helps to depersonalize his actions. i echo what everyone else has said - it really has nothing to do with you.

[SeaShellz]

Thanks so much to everyone.

I know that he isn't going to miraculously change with the replacement but he has just started taking his Risperdal again so it crosses my mind that he may be better with her. I deserved that effort. But I don't think Risperdal will cure everything.

[clydegriffith]

Most of us on here ask the same question.  How can they jump from one person to another so quickly without a care?

I cannot answer this.  I just keep telling myself that I was conned by my exBPDh in a big way.  He never meant a word he said to me.  I could have been anyone.  Now the replacement could be anyone.  In fact, he told me when I found out about her, that he was with her because 'he didn't want to be alone'.  In other words, she will do.  She is better than nothing.  Wow, she obviously doesn't know that, just as I didn't know that when I was lapping up all the declarations of love from him.

I guess what I am trying to explain, is that the replacement is not important.  She could have been anyone.  :)on't give yourself a hard time.  It wasn't you or anything you did or didn't do.  The replacement is not better than you.  It took me a long time to realise this and I feel better now that I am not blaming myself.

As for him thinking of you - I bet he does sometimes.  If he's anything like my ex then you will be on his mind.  

My ex used to mention his ex wives, way too much for my liking and there was an underlying tone of him feeling guilty when he spoke of the first ex wife.  He was too keen to tell me that he hadn't cheated on her.  I now believe that he did and that she was clever enough to get away from him after a year of marriage.  Now I would bet that he has added me to the list of stories to tell the replacement.  I would put money on the fact that I am on his mind.  I think this is probably the case for most of them.  You will be on their mind but they will never admit (not even to themselves) what they really feel about you.  You will just be a means of gaining sympathy or making the replacement jealous.

I know how difficult it is to stop thinking this way.  I still struggle more than a year later.  But focus on yourself and put yourself first.  Try to see that you are better off without a cruel heartless loser like that.  It is better to be alone than be with somebody who is using you.

I'm sorry if this may have come across as a bit harsh, I don't mean it to.  I am just telling you what I keep telling myself.

This x100. It's amazing how they're feelings of "love" can rapidly change from one day to another. After b/u the BPDx very aggressively pursued a guy that was married to one of her friends. I stumbled upon one of the love letters she sent him and all you had to do was switch the names it could have been one of the ones she wrote to me when she was supposedly "in love" with me. After she was unable to reel in that guy, same thing with the next one. The crazy thing is i think she actually thinks she's in love during these times.

[Raybo48]

I honestly think they are in love with the idea of love, the concept, but actually don't know how to love at all.  From my experience with my exBPDgf her love was 100% conditional; conditional on how I reacted to a gesture from her, if I was on time getting to her house, if I gave her the right compliment, if I paid attention to her, and if I let everything be about her.   If I failed on any of those conditions (which is a certainty with BPD) the love she had for me was yanked away quickly and replaced with ridicule, and resentment.   

That's why it's so easy for them to toss that word around with reckless abandon and apply it do someone else immediately... It's full blown conditional love.  At least that's my two cents.

[SickofMe]

But I don't think Risperdal will cure everything.

It won't, but it might give him diabetes, impotence, and make him gain a lot of weight. 

Seriously, though, you can't cure a PD with a pill, even though it could help stabilize him to do the actual work of therapy... .very doubtful.

You really will get to the point where you no longer care about the "replacement" but it takes a really long time, especially if it triggers your feelings of unworthiness, etc. 

The best thing you can do is focus on yourself and not wonder what is going on there.  Easier said than done.  My most recent ex didn't do the overnight-sensation-replacement thing (most likely bc he doesn't have a whole lot of options, which is sorta embarrassing, come to think of it... .) but the guy I dated before (also PD'd) had a new GF within 24 hours--whom he eventually married.  I thought I'd die of shame but I didn't.  And neither will you.  When I think of them now, I feel absolutely nothing, except maybe a little bit of sympathy for HER.

Time is what it takes.  Lots of time. 

[.cup.car]

Does he still at least think of me?

Yes.

They push you away ASAP to distract themselves; they don't want to be reminded of what being messed up made them lose.

[SeaShellz]

Thank you guys so much. Risperdal caused him impotence before so him and his new girlfriend can have fun with that.

What helps me is to remember that he will probably not be better with her. To just replace me and give the "love" he thought he had for me to someone else and just move on hurts really bad.

[Raybo48]

Thank you guys so much. Risperdal caused him impotence before so him and his new girlfriend can have fun with that.

What helps me is to remember that he will probably not be better with her. To just replace me and give the "love" he thought he had for me to someone else and just move on hurts really bad.

Their "love" is a fantasy in their mind... .It's conditional love at best and will never be anything more unless they get themselves into therapy, which isn't very likely.